Chapter 6 : I Won't Love You Anymore (Sorry)
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Our love is a lie, I hope you understand why
I wonít love you anymore (Sorry)
And now Iím leaving today
Okay, so maybe Iíll give Ernie one more shot. Or maybe not?
Either way, I have to see him again, at least to get my things.
I mean, we were together for seven years. Thatís not something I can just walk out on. Right?
I donít have the answers. Susan says sheís not the one who can give them to me.
Maybe Iíll give Ernie a bit of my mind. Maybe heíll apologize. Maybe weíll have a chance to rebuild things. Maybe Iíll punch him in the face. Maybe heíll let me also be with Susan. Maybe Iím thinking too much and doing too little.
As I arrive at the flat that I so recently thought I would always call home, the storm within me comes to a freeze. Ernie is nowhere to be seen; there is only this empty home and its empty feelings. Everything here looks exactly as I left it, and as I walk through the familiar rooms I canít help but wonder if I am as unchanged.
I am certainly wiser than before. I know that Ernie has not played by the rules he set, and I see how easily I allowed myself to play into his hand.
But even knowing all that, I canít help but wish I could melt right into the me I used to be. After all, I was happy in this place, as naÔve a I may have been. I may never be able to find that same simple, contented joy elsewhere. What was so wrong with letting Ernie set the rules if it meant I would be happy?
I walk into the bedroom in a daze, continuing on the automatic track to pack up my things. As I pull open the wardrobe and see my robes nestled against his, I let out a dry sob.
I canít touch a single one of these things, canít remove them from their rightful place.
I was a fool to think I could change. This is my life, this is my place. I belong with Ernie. Mistakes have been made, but he is still my world and I am still his. I belong to him.
There is a sudden pop in the next room, and I realize that Ernie has arrived home.
ďErnie?Ē I call out in a cracked voice.
There is a moment of silence, and then he appears in the bedroom door.
ďOh. Youíre back,Ē he says simply.
I nod, at a complete loss for words.
I remind myself that I donít have to say anything. He is the one who has lied and cheated, he is the one who owes me an explanation.
ďHow long have you been wearing those robes? You should change Ė you look like a tramp.Ē
I stare in dumb silence at him. I blink once, twice. It takes me a minute to find my voice, but when I do the words are inevitable.
Now Ernie is the one sounding frozen and dumb as I push past him out of the room and out of our home, not looking back.
I know there is something better for me out there.
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