Reading Reviews for Right party
  
4 Reviews Found

Review #1, by May Right party

2nd February 2018:
I enjoyed this chapter a good read

Author's Response: x thanks! everybody needs a good prequel :)

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Review #2, by marauderfan Right party

17th January 2018:
Hiya! This is Stella Blue from HPFT with your review!

Right from the beginning I get a pretty strong sense of who your characters are, and enough about Elizabeth's recent history to understand the context, but just enough is left unsaid that it makes me want to read on to find out! You've dropped hints about her past relationship with Louis and about her general associations with the Weasley-Potter family, but the specifics aren't listed, and they're not needed here. Essentially, I really admire how you've included just the perfect amount of information - not too much, not too little. That can be hard to do. Also, I like the fact that you have an Italian character, and the fact that he uses Italian phrases just makes it feel that much more authentic as I know you yourself are Italian.

You mentioned English rules/phrases in your request so most of this review will focus on that, although overall, I must say that everything looks pretty polished. For it not being your first language, you write in English remarkably well!! I don't think I would have guessed that you aren't a native speaker, if I hadn't already known.

So here we go:

Sometimes Elizabeth felt truly sorry that he was gay -- Here, I don't know if 'sorry' is the correct word. It can be interpreted a number of ways, and I don't think you're trying to say that she feels sorry for him for being gay, but that's one way it can be read. What I think you're trying to say here (correct me if I'm wrong) is that she's sad she doesn't have a chance with him because he's gay, in which case you could say something like: "Sometimes Elizabeth lamented the fact that her good-looking best friend was uninterested in women."

It took forty-five minutes for Vic to disappear, for Elizabeth's head to start pounding from the cheesy commercial pop music playing, and for her feet to scream in pain -- I changed a couple of things about this sentence for clarity (adding Elizabeth's name when the subject of the sentence changes, adding the word "for" to keep the format of the list)

know everyone, know no one -- I'm not sure what this phrase adds to the sentence. I think you can leave it out and just end the sentence with "a larger radius of influence."

trying not to mop. -- probably meant to say "mope"... unless she has a tendency to take up janitorial duties when she's drunk XD

Vic shook his head, waiving his hand next to his ear -- That should say "waving". (Waiving with an I means to lift rules/fees.)

Vic snorted and started walking away “Liar.” -- I'm just using this line as an example, but there are quite a few lines in this format. In general, any sentence fragments happening before dialogue should be separated by a full stop or a comma. In this case, a full stop, because it's a complete sentence happening before Vic talks. Like so: Vic storted and started walking away. "Liar."

she took a decision -- she made a decision

That's all. And these are all tiny fixes - honestly it reads through very well and there was no point when I was confused about any phrasing. It's great.

If you don't mind some CC about a different topic, one thing to be wary of is making Vic into a stereotype. He's verging on the archetypal Sassy Gay Best Friend right now, and all the traits that we've been introduced to about him support this: the fashion consciousness, neatness, sassy/dramatic comments. Certainly some gay men do have a few of these qualities, but take care to not exaggerate or define Vic only by his sexual orientation. If you still want him to have all of these traits, then try to make him more three-dimensional by focusing on some other aspects of his personality as well so he is well-rounded and more than just a Gay Stereotype. For example: maybe he also loves Tolstoy novels and aspires to be able to read them in the original Russian. Maybe he's really into kayaking. Or Gobstones. Or Quidditch league stats. Maybe he has a wall calendar with pictures of goats in trees that he thinks is hilarious. (this is totes a real thing though, google "goats in trees" /tangent) Just something so that he isn't just made up of exaggerated traits that define gay stereotypes.

I hope this review isn't too harsh (or too long haha)! I really did enjoy the chapter, and am intrigued about the story that follows it. I hope this is a helpful review! Feel free to PM me if you have any follow-up questions! Thanks for requesting. Great writing. ♥

Author's Response: Hello dear, I'm finally here!
First of all, thank you for your lovely review - I really appreciated the effort you put into it!
I'm so glad the story doesn't come across as TOO synthetic - my Italian professor kind of drilled into us students the idea that if you can write a sentence in ten or three words, you should do it in two - so I always wonder if for the sake of it I may omit important stuff.
And my, how flattered I am by the fact that my writing could pass for native!!
Now, for the grammar errors, thank you so so much for pointing them out - I'll fix them as soon as I finish my exam and I'll review also my other stories.
Yes, the part in which elizabeth is 'sorry' was exactly meant as lamenting Vic's interest in men instead of women - but I agree that it sounds as she is sorry in general about him being gay, which was not at all my intention so thank you for that!!
And finally, i LOVED that you pointed out the subconscious stereotyping I was doing about Vic - I swear I read the entire thing after your review and I was like, 'omg this sounds so bad'! Vic is way too bidimensional - only thing in my defence, the 'fashion' part comes from his Italian side, and he's a bit spoiled because his parents are rich (Side note: the surname is invented but italian family names that have a lowercase d like 'de' instead of 'De' usually mean that the family is noble, so there's that). Also, I made the fact that Liz's fashions sense is inexistent a common feature noticed by other characters, even though in this story we don't see it.
But anyway, I will review his characterisation thoroughly!
Your review was so instructive and interesting, I am so thankful! I may pop into you pms in the future about a couple of grammar questions I have, but until then,
much much love :)
Elena xx


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Review #3, by Mags Right party

17th January 2018:
How nice to get a glimpse of Elizabeth before she really met James (and to know that not all of those phone calls where accidental, you go Elizabeth!). And now we of course know why Freddie was so ~enchanted by Lizzie, it’s was really James (who’s a huge cinnamon roll, I know we didn’t have his POV in the other sequel, but he sounds different from before he got with Carla (who sounds extremely messy, yikes)... I feel like I’m reviewers all of your stories here, hope that’s ok).

Vic sounds like a good friend, can’t wait for his POV in the sequel... and now that I know that they’re all connected— did I misread or is Louis now together with James’ ex-girlfriend’s sister? Talk about awkward family lunches, lol

Author's Response: Ahah Elizaneth's first three are actually accidental, I wasn't clear in the explanation!
Yes, James changes A LOT from the first chapter of Cause and Effect - and actually, the transformation will happen in that story - I have almost all of the second chapter ready, for a total of four.
And of course it's ok for you to review all of my story - it's what pushes me to write, in the end, so thank you so much!!
Vic is a really good friend and is honestly my favourite oc, even more than Elizabeth (He's italian like me, so I can have a field day with him!)
And yes, Louis is now with Carla's sister and YES, IT'LL BE AWKWARD! But Jasmine wasn't the girl that Elizabeth met at St Mungo, so that relationship is also very messy!
lol thank you again


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Review #4, by Scose Right party

14th January 2018:
Aaah so happy about this! Loved having some more detail and background for the story. Still in love with the characters x looking forward to the sequel!

Author's Response: Yasss thank you so much!! it was a bit short, but the sequel is coming out LONG - i already wrote 12k words :)
there will be lots of details then!
Tecla xx


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