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Reading Reviews for Slaying Demons
  
2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by forever_dreaming Slaying Demons

11th July 2017:
First off, let me just say that this was a very very cute fic--I love Wolfstar (that's pretty much the one area of LGBT+ fics that I have lots of experience in) so I was excited to see this fic! Remus and Sirius were adorable in this, I was practically squealing the entire time.

I think the one large improvement you could make to this story would be more showing and less telling. I could tell that the story was intended to describe an important milestone in Remus and Sirius's relationship, and what had led up to it. The first part was done great; their interaction in that last scene with the motorbike was beautiful. But the latter part, showing what led up to it, lacked a little.

There's lots of ways to show more and tell less. You could start by developing the setting in the beginning; you started off with Remus reflecting, and didn't really describe where he was or what he was doing (other than the fact that he was thinking). Setting is a really important tool of a writer that is often disregarded--you could use the setting of the dormitory to build the atmosphere and give more clues to their relationship. For instance, maybe you could talk about Sirius's clothes on Remus's bed, or talk about the sun filtering through the windows, creating a warmth in the room, that's inviting and loving, like this fic! Another example: when Remus and Sirius are walking, and Sirius is nervous, perhaps you could describe whether Remus picks up on any cues that indicate that Sirius is nervous. Sirius isn't really one to show his nervousness much, I'm sure--this would be a great way to show the depth of their relationship.

Then, in other areas, when you make statements about other milestones in their relationship, perhaps include flashbacks to these moments. For instance, you mentioned that Sirius knew that he loved Remus when Remus's pain hurt him more than his own. Give an example of this.

A second, less major improvement, would be the sort of awkward flow at times. For instance, I thought that it was a little awkward at first that you talked about how Remus's friends always made him smile, but then focused solely on Sirirus. To me, that draws an immediate correlative relationship: Sirius = friend, when in fact, in this fic, Remus and Sirius are already dating. So perhaps it would be better to provide a few examples of how his other friends make him smile, and then differentiate that with how Sirius makes him smile. Another situation: when Remus was wondering about what they'd planned for his birthday,you stated "He wasn't great with surprises but James had the annoying habit...". Those two phrases don't really seem related at all; maybe you meant that Remus wasn't great with maintaining patience when it came to surprises? There's a few places in the fic that are like this (the other one that comes to mind is when Sirius is telling James how he feels about Remus and feels the need to add more--maybe you could fluff that up a little: why does Sirius need to say more? What's that urge compelling him). I can point out other places in a more detailed beta, if you'd like :)

There were a few minor word-choice issues but overall, your fluency was excellent. I might try to use more descriptive language--there was a lot of smiling and grinning, and perhaps it would be better to vary their facial expressions. When I imagined the boys in my head, they seemed maybe a little flat, not with their usual wit and sarcasm and tomfoolery. I did like the pillow-throwing though ^-^

The other thing that I was a little confused about was the title. I understand the reference but I feel maybe it wasn't alluded to enough. I think this is something that would be more impactful if you added more details about the milestones that led to this moment in Remus and Sirius's relationship.

Overall, I really liked this fic. I loved the romanticness of it--the line "I can't promise you forever but I promise every day I have" ad the romantic realism of their understanding that they may not have forever, so they'll be sure to savor every day, was really great. I think one important aspect of Wolfstar and what makes it work is that Sirius pulls Remus out of his comfort zone, and this fic really showed how Remus and Sirius have impacted one another, Remus becoming more adventurous, Sirius becoming more open, not bottling things up as much.

I hope that this review was clear and helped you--let me know if you have any clarification questions or further questions, and I would be happy to help! :)

Rating's more of a 6.5, but I always round down.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review this in so much detail. I'm very impressed that you've really compiled details/suggestions for me. it's very thoughtful of you.

I agree with some of points you've made here, I'm still quite new to writing (under 6 months) so I have areas that I'm aware that I need to improve on. I think you've picked up on those issues here which is something I'm trying to work on to improve as a writer. So it's a work in progress as I'm always learning.

I wrote this piece as a gift for my friend on her birthday as wolfstar is her favourite ship. So the main purpose was to make her smile so I think it achieved its job! I don't really write the marauders era much and I hadn't done this pairing before this. I enjoyed the challenge but I'm sorry if some aspects didn't work for you but it was something new.

this piece is just fluff really so I'm glad you thought it was cute because that was the main aim. thank you for your kind words. I think the end rating was perhaps a bit disappointing but I guess that gives me plenty room for improvement eh? ;)



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Review #2, by quill2parchment Slaying Demons

23rd April 2017:
Aw this was such a sweet one-shot.

Hehe I love how Sirius automatically assumed Remus was smiling because of him. He's so smug, but I love him and, of course, that WAS the reason Remus was smiling so he wasn't wrong...

It was also very sweet seeing Sirius and James bonding and talking about how much Sirius loved Remus, and Sirius planning on getting James and Lily together. It was nice seeing their friendship.

"...you are the light within my darkness..." I loved this line.

Very well done. I really enjoyed it!

Author's Response: Quilly!

aww, I loved receiving this! It really made me smile! I'm so glad you enjoyed it! I found writing these characters were something quite different for me so I'm glad it came across well! I love writing a bit of fluff! :) xx


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