Reading Reviews for Nerves
2 Reviews Found

Review #1, by Jayna 1.

4th October 2015:
Hello Renee! I’m here to review your entry for my challenge, so thank you for taking the time to enter it.

One thing I really enjoyed about this fic was how you incorporated characters we already know exist like Gideon, Fabien, and Arthur, even if it was just a brief mention. It really helped ground the piece in a different era than the books, and who doesn’t like to hear about some of the most underappreciated characters in the books? I also liked how the friendships in the story were developed basically the way 11 year olds make friends. I remember when I used to be so confident and trusting….. Anyway, I also was intrigued by how you chose second person point of view. It’s definitely pretty rare and hard to do. You didn’t switch points of view, so that’s good.

Although I really liked some aspects of this story, I felt like it lacked depth. It felt almost like more of a summary than a one-shot, so if you want to, I think that you could expand this into a brief short story. If you chose not to, I think a bit more description and some more dialogue could really liven this piece up. Right now you have some imagery and dialogue in patches, but I think it would be nice if you included some in the metaphorical “bald spots” of the story.

In addition, I also liked the little thoughts Molly had to herself. I think it really showcased how you characterized her in a new and different way, as a shy, timid, self-conscious girl instead of headstrong and bossy. Overall, wonderful job and thanks again for entering the challenge!


Author's Response: Thanks Jayna, I will have a re-read and fix up those couple of things that you pointed out.

Thanks for the challenge!


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Review #2, by The Ghost Of His Last Laugh 1.

20th September 2015:
Hello! Thank you so much for taking the time to enter my challenge. As promised, here is your review for entering!

To begin, I thought it was really interesting that you chose to write in second person for this challenge; because it revolves around a character, I expected mostly first and was pleasantly surprised to see a different take in the bunch. I didn’t see any accidental switches of perspective which is great, because it’s easy to do!

Your characterization of Molly is also very much out of the box. I always viewed Molly to be extremely headstrong and confident, so a more timid Molly was interesting to read about. I haven’t read any schoolage Molly fics so this was new to me. I appreciated the mention of Fabian and Gideon a lot as well! It is little details like that that make stories so much more enjoyable. When Emma is introduced, and her and Molly become friends, I notice they both sound very childlike or very adult. That is not to say 11 is not a child, but they do have a level of sophistication when they talk. When I listen to my brother who is around that age speak, it’s not very different from my own. However, there are a few instances when they sound very adult, such as “Goodbye Mother, I will see you at the end of the year.” Changing that to “bye, mom,” makes all the difference, I feel like. A few lines also struck me to be worded strange, such as “Shall we go inside, you need to be sorted, don’t you?” For instance, it might be more effective as “Shall we go inside? You need to be sorted still!” Or something like that.

Another note I have is the whole piece lacks some development. I feel like it could have been a short story, even if only of two chapters. One of the train, another of the sorting. I feel like it could use some more depth.

Finally, I love how you incorporated Arthur! Their interaction, while short, was very cute and highly appreciated!

Thanks again for entering the challenge. Great job!


Author's Response: Hi Joanie,

Thank you for reviewing for me, I enjoyed writing for the challenge.

I see what you're saying about the awkwardness of some sentences and phrasing, thanks for pointing that out. All your advice was really helpful.

I got stuck halfway though writing the story (somewhere around the section in the carriage), and didn't really know how to continue it.

Thanks for setting the challenge, it was different to anything I've ever done before!


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