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Reading Reviews for Of Final Thoughts
  
11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by adluvshp How to Say Goodbye

19th November 2015:
Hey again =)

Wow, this was beautifully written. It was certainly different from your usual style, I agree, but I think it worked brilliantly. Your use of narrative style was very good and fit the theme. The "you" being Alastor Moody made it very personal and I felt like I was in Caradoc's shoes. I believe if you'd added more stuff to the story, as you said, the message might have been lost.

This is perfect the way it is, because in few paragraphs, we get a complete picture of what's happening and can build a connection to the MC as well as Moody. I could see where their friendship came from, and the bond they shared through Caradoc's eyes. His thoughts were well-portrayed and I felt for him.

The ending really broke my heart, because I guess he died. But it made sense, and the entire piece itself was quite sad. Tragic but again beautifully written. The descriptions were brilliant and the flow was just so smooth, it made for a great read. Definitely powerful, and a lovely way to show a non-canon glimpse of something different from the war.

I loved it. Great work.
-Angie
(AditiDraco95)

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Review #2, by Marshal How to Say Goodbye

3rd October 2015:
Hi,

I'm here for the review swap. I noticed that this is marked as 'second person'. I'm not sure I would call this that. This reads more to me as a first person thinking toward the character Alastor. Second person I think is more immersive, the 'you' is typically the protagonist when Caradoc is the protagonist.

That is not to say that this isn't a good read, it was interesting and dark. It is noble in some ways what Caradoc concluded to do - terrifying in some ways but his intent was noble. Getting into his brain was interesting particularly as a little known character. You captured the voice and heart of the character well and for that you should be commended. I love well written characters and you did that. I particularly love the continued "Get some rest lad" throughout the story.

I agree with you too many anecdotes and the mood would be lost, so that was perfectly timed. It was really a good read and I enjoyed it so please don't take any critiques as my hating it! I critique because I like seeing good work become better.

I will say I think you can eliminate the note of who the you is as Caradoc addresses Moody. It is nice to know who is talking as I would have never guessed that but you do a good job of indicating who he is talking to through out the story so that is a feather in your cap you write very well that it eliminates the need to guide your readers you paint a very clear picture!

Lastly, I did notice two very minor typos and wanted to point them out to help improve things.

"Of course, I should have listened to you, I learned that I long time ago."

I think the 'I' after 'that' was supposed to be an 'a'.

"What other choice to I have?"

I think the 't' was supposed to be a 'd'.

Only things, I noticed and easy things to miss - I do that and worse all the time. So again great work and a really good read. What I pointed out as suggested improvements did not detract from the over all story at all! I enjoyed the read, that is certain. Thanks for sharing your work!

Author's Response: Hello!

You're probably right. When I wrote this, it was my first attempt at second-person. I didn't have it very well figured out at that point, which is probably why this is actually first person ;). I was experimenting with quite a few different techniques in this, some more effectively than others.

I'm glad you enjoyed the way I wrote Caradoc's character -- he was definitely fun to unravel!

:D I'm actually very glad that you thought that guiding my readers in an afore wasn't necessary -- it means I was doing my job in the actual text. *Pats self on back* Good job, Rumpel.

Ah yeah, thanks and sorry for the typos. This, like most of my stories that have been posted on here, needs an editing sweep.

Don't ever worry revealing CCs, you won't hurt my feelings. I can take critique two different ways: as something that can help me improve my writing, or as an opinion that I can take into consideration. Unless being outright attacked for something, I promise you that I will not take it the wrong way :). I appreciate you taking the time to point them out!

Thanks for the great swap, and I'm glad you enjoyed the story.

-Rumpel


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Review #3, by UnluckyStar57 How to Say Goodbye

14th October 2014:
Hi! I'm here for the review swap, even though you might be asleep and so you won't see this until tomorrow. :)

Okay, so I think that anything extra in this story would have been superfluous. You managed to build a friendship between Moody and Dearborn with just a few paragraphs, and that made it all the more meaningful. They might have had some good times, but the things that are most important to Dearborn are the meaningful times--the times when he was being a fool and Moody stepped in to rescue him. It is very interesting that he is the reason why Moody has a magical eye and a peg leg, and I think that by not telling those stories in full, technicolor detail, you sharpen the reality of Dearborn's impending death. I mean, he's about to die. He doesn't have time to go into all the nuts and bolts of everything.

And I loved that this was an apostrophe to Moody, through which we learn something of Dearborn, too. He is brave, even though he believes himself to be a coward. He is just too caught up in the moment, of what is to come for him, to realize what he is doing to help the Order. That being said, it is absolutely horrible that his only alternative was to commit suicide. :(

But the refrain of "Get some rest, lad," was never more appropriate than in that very last sentence. Such a bitter, yet peaceful ending--almost like the snuffing of a candle. How did he do it, I wonder? With a knife? A spell to stop his breath? I don't know, but at least he is resting now.

This was so sad and poignant. The diction and sentence structure you used were very appropriate for the story, and I could picture Dearborn preparing himself for his fate as he remembers all of the things that Moody has done for him.

Brilliant work!

~UnluckyStar57

Author's Response: Hello! I'm almost a year late with the review ;).

Great, I'm glad I decided not to add more, then! Very true, he probably has more important things to think about.

Very true :(. This isn't a very happy story. Dearborn's character was deteriorating emotionally, and he was in the midst of a breakdown.

Thanks for the fabulous review!

-Rumpel


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Review #4, by AdinaPuff How to Say Goodbye

2nd October 2014:
Hello!

As soon as I saw this was written in second POV, it automatically drew me it. It is by far my favorite point of view--I'm actually writing a second POV right now! You did wonderful with this, so well done. Your writing style is extraordinary.

I haven't read much about Caradoc, and know very little about him, but I knew enough to understand who he was, and this just gave me a whole new perspective on him. You wrote him so well, gave him a personality, it made me feel as though I knew him personally. His thoughts were amazing, honestly. I loved it so much.

Ugh the feels. His saying goodbye, and hoping that Moody remembered him, but not as a cowardice traitor. It was just so amazing. I felt so horrible for Caradoc. I really, truly did.

Great one-shot, I loved it so so much. Thanks for the swap!

-Leigh

Author's Response: Hey there!

I like experimenting with POV. I don't know why, I just find it fun, and I'm glad you thought I effectively wrote with it.

That's another thing I enjoy, making some deeper back-stories for characters that don't have them. Dearborn is one of my personal favorites now.

:( I know, this story makes me sad.

Thanks so much!

-Rumpel


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Review #5, by marauderfan How to Say Goodbye

27th August 2014:
Mm, second person. I love second person. It's the type of POV that always produces such interesting stories :D And this was definitely an interesting story. There are few, if any, other stories I've seen about Caradoc Dearborn, and with him simply disappearing without a trace, it was great to see your take on what actually happened to him.

You used repetition to great effect here. The "Get some rest, lad" line as well as some of the things Caradoc says multiple times - after all, he is stuck in a dark cell, a prisoner of war, with nothing but his thoughts of regret and 'if only' which are consuming him. It also feels like he keeps repeating his thoughts as if they'll somehow reach Moody that way, so that Moody will know he died as a martyr for the Order. And those thoughts, put together with the fact that Moody never did know whether Caradoc died a hero or a coward, it's just such a hopeless thing for Caradoc as he sits in his cell, especially when he looked up to Moody so much. Gah, so sad, but I really loved it!

Those last few paragraphs especially, as he knows the end is close, and just wonders if he'll be remembered, if he'll make a difference. And that line when he mentions that he won't be forgotten if Moody hates him - that just tugged at my heartstrings, so sad that he's lost that much hope. What a tragic way to die :(

This was such a good fic, Rumpel! Thanks for the swap!

Author's Response: Over a year later, and I'm finally responding :)! Go, Rumpel, go!

Ahhh, playing with POVs and different characters is so much fun! I fell in love with Dearborn's character while writing this, and I hope to write with him again someday.

:D I'm glad that you enjoyed my repetition. :( Yeah, I really didn't give his character a happy ending. It was hopeless, but he felt that if he could let Moody know that he hadn't let him down, that it would be okay.

♥ Thanks so much!



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Review #6, by simplelullaby How to Say Goodbye

18th August 2014:
Hey it's simplelullaby from the August review exchange. Can I just say that this is absolutely brilliant. I'm not familiar with the challenge itself that you wrote this for, but you literally took one sentence from the books and flew away with it. It just a few short lines Caradoc was a real, living breathing person.

I think what I liked most about this one-shot was the second-person perspective. It's not often done, because it's so tricky to get right, but when it's done well it can be astounding. You choosing to have Caradoc focus on another, Alastor Moody, in order to find the strength to do what he felt he must -- I'm literally sitting here shaking my head in awe. I can see why he focused on Moody -- you described Caradoc as always looking up to Moody, and always wanting to be as good as him but never actually being able to do it. Here, in his last moments, acts as if Moody is there in order to kill himself. It's really quite moving in a way.

It's a very well thought-out piece, well-written and very well executed. It isn't too long or too short, you manage to build the tension throughout, and manage to keep within the restrictions that 2nd person puts on you while still carefully doling out the information you need in order to build the tension. I especially liked that you kept referring back to the "get some rest, lad" line, and that throughout the piece the words changed to Caradoc, from meaning one thing to another completely. Every time you repeated those words, the tension got higher, and I felt like poor little Caradoc had a little less time to finally do it.

If I could wish for something more, though maybe this is just reaching, I would say a little more description wouldn't go amiss. Though even saying that now I understand that it's 2nd person, and Caradoc is about to kill himself - he wouldn't care about the description. The only thing is that he's directly speaking to Moody, in his last moments. Maybe what I'm trying to say in a VERY rambly roundabout way is that maybe Caradoc could linger on the description when talking about his past, and his memories involving Moody. He'd want to linger on them I think, seeing as he's just about to give them all up. I also think it would offer a starker contrast between the then/now thing you have going all the way through the fic.

Also, I noticed a little Britpick. You said mail when someone from Britain would probably say post.

You said in you A/N that this was a new style of writing for you? It really doesn't show. It feels comfortable. I absolutely love that you put in parts you felt unsure about because you thought that they suited the character - brilliant! Also I liked the lack of dialogue, it made the "get some rest son" line pop out and mean a lot more!

So yeah, I really really liked it!

Keep Writing

~Aimee~

Author's Response: Hey there ^.^. Sorry, it takes me forever to respond to reviews!

I'm really glad that you liked this piece, as writing in that particular style -- where the narration was heavily affected by the character, and therefore writing was much less formal -- was really new. Having it come across comfortably is great news.

You're definitely hitting some key points here. Adding descriptions is one of the things that I struggle with most, because I tend to become distracted by something else in the story. So, yes, definitely adding more descriptions somewhere probably should be done ;). The lack of dialogue -- dialogue is typically one of my personal strengths, so removing it mostly from the entire piece was an interesting way to write. Luckily for me, the narration was much like dialogue, so I ran with that. ^.^

Working with both of these characters is also new to me, and focusing on a friendship like theirs (some sort of quasi-role-model relationship) was really one of the easiest ways to write the two characters that were also new to me.

It seems, now talking about it, that there were a LOT of new elements that I was experimenting with in this, and I'm really glad that you enjoyed it!

Thanks so much for the lovely review!

-Rumpel


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Review #7, by Unwritten Curse How to Say Goodbye

24th May 2014:
Hello! I saw that you had entered the Second Person POV challenge and just had to read your entry!

Sorry in advance if this review is incoherent. That ending really got to me, so I'm having a bit of trouble formulating words...

You took such a creative angle to this challenge. Using second person and first person made this piece so chilling. I don't know much about Dearborn as a character, but I found myself feeling genuine pity for him--that he's speaking to Moody as he's dying is soÖ I can't find the word for it. It shows how desperately he seeks Moody's approval/looks up to Moody, and also how desperate he is not to die, that he's speaking to a man who's not even there. Just rambling until he can't ramble anymore. Ah.

As I said, it was the end that really stuck with me. The idea that Moody won't ever hear this story. He won't know for sure whether Dearborn died a coward or a hero. That is what is so chilling. The notion of an untold story, of the unknown--you made that so real.

Such a beautiful piece. Good luck to you as well and thank you so much for doing this review swap with me!

-- Gina

Author's Response: Hey there!

I really didn't spend much time on Caradoc's character, especially right off the bat, but I kind of wanted to make him feel like the reader should already know him (if that makes sense). Since you were able to make a connection with him, feeling pity towards him, I suppose it was a mildly effective method.

"Rambling until he can't ramble anymore" is exactly what I was going for. It was meant to be some sort of goodbye to Moody in combination with dwelling on what could have been.

Thanks so much for the lovely review, and for the swap!

-Rumpel


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Review #8, by patronus_charm How to Say Goodbye

23rd May 2014:
Hey Rumpel!

Wow, I really loved this entry it was so great! You had some really chilling description throughout especially with the way you kept on referencing back to how Moody had lost his eye and leg as it really highlighted the horrors of war and what it could make you lose. You had a wonderful sombre air throughout because of that as you reflected on how physical things such as that could be lost and then things more precious such as friendship could also be lost.

The overall story was so great too and really poignant too. I never imagined Moody had any friends, more people that he tolerated, so seeing the bond here between he and Caradoc was really special and wonderful and I enjoyed reading it so much. Another thing I have to credit you for in this story was how you managed to cover such a large span of their friendship so I really got a sense of its dynamics which is great for such a short story.

Ah the repetition of get some rest, lad, was so chilling because I kept on thinking what if, what if Caradoc had listened to him, what if Moody really did know that Caradoc hadnít betrayed him but was actually a prisoner of war. It had this wistful air about the repetition which went well with it being war because Iím sure youíre bound to be more reflective about that sort of thing when war goes on. Ooh, another thing I wanted to say is when Caradoc said he was a prisoner of war it had a really big impact as it reminded us and him how grim his future looked.

The second to last line was so erfuherfer, I donít even know what to say, it was like a lament, beyond pleading or beginning, something so much more pure than that and the way you described Caradocís emotions throughout this one-shot was truly fantastic as they were so varied but fitted so well!

Thanks for the great entry, Rumpel!

-Kiana

Author's Response: Hey there! I'm finally responding to my reviews!

I'm really glad that the more somber tone shone through. It was really my goal for this to be a more depressing piece of a man in his final hours.

I had struggled with Moody slightly, which is probably why Caradoc's character was more prominent (I'll have to practice with him). The development of their friendship is something that I wanted to focus on, though looking back I wish I had expanded on it a little.

Being a prisoner left him a lot of time to think and dwell on what could have been, if he had done something differently. Of course, there's nothing that he could do to change it at the time...only dwell.

Bahaha, it took me a moment to figure out what exactly "erfuherfer" meant, until I continued to read the sentence ;).

Thanks for the fantastic review (and for creating the challenge that inspired this)!

-Rumpel


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Review #9, by LilyFire How to Say Goodbye

22nd May 2014:
Hi, here from the swap. :)

This was actually very very good.I like how you explained everything, how Caradoc went from wanting to show Moody up to wanting to impress him. The voice was very relatable and readable, which is a great thing to have done. I loved the way you explained how he ended up in his situation, by missing small details that most people probably wouldn't have noticed that much anyway. I actually have nothing negative to say about this story, just keep doing what you're doing. It was wonderful.
~Lily

Author's Response: Hey there,

I'm glad that you liked the dynamic of Caradoc's change in attitude towards Moody, it was something that I should have more strongly emphasized, as he did become a close friend. I wanted him to be stewing on the details, because that's what he thought Moody would've noticed...and thus would've saved him.

Thanks so much!!

-Rumpel


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Review #10, by lumos_knox How to Say Goodbye

15th May 2014:
Hello!
This was a really great story- I loved it.

Plot- Really great,I have never read anything to do with people close to Mad-Eye-Moody so it was different and very original. The whole death idea gave this an ominous feel so it sounded very good.

Description- Perfect. There was just the right amount of it! Perhaps, if anything a little more description of places and things around the character? I really liked it when you described the things the main character should have noticed were different.

Grammar- Spot on

Notes/Other- I think the addition of the notes tied in with the story and helped the reader understand better.

In all, a fantastic story! I will have you as my favourite author, I think!

-lumos

Author's Response: Hey,

Hooray, I'm glad that you enjoyed it!

I was really supposed to work more with Moody, but he was giving me issues, so I chose a different route. Instead, I chose to work with somebody a bit more flexible in characterization, who could be close to him.

I always seem to have an issue with description when having a character in a dark place. I tend to forget that there are other senses, and that just because the character can't quite see, doesn't mean that the narrator can't. Thanks for pointing that out, I need to stop limiting myself there :).

Thanks so much! *Blush* That's so sweet! ♥

-Rumpel


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Review #11, by Red_headed_juliet How to Say Goodbye

15th May 2014:
Hello! Here for the swap!

I liked this. I agree that your grammatical choices helped the further the internal monologue feel. It was very personal, and private. I loved the nostalgia and the relationship with Alastor.

Very well done! I like how each of the "Get some rest, lad."s emphasized a different point and gave new meaning to the phrase. +]

Until next time!

Author's Response: Hey there,

I wanted this to be the final thoughts of a dying man, so hopefully that came across decently.

Thanks so much!

-Rumpel


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