11 Reviews Found

Review #1, by True Author 

14th June 2016:
Hey Ysh! I'm so sorry that I'm late... I was actually in Madurai visiting my friend who lives there. Me and another friend I went with had decided to take some time off Internet and enjoy the company of nature. :) I wish I could talk to you over PM! I'm terribly missing the forums!

Now on the review!

I already like lily and her small group of friends. They have potential for a really sweet friendship. :) Also how Lily trusted Snape for not hurting her and not making fun of her breaks my heart a little :( Knowing what's going to happen to all these characters is bad sometimes...!

I always wondered how Peter joined the Marauders because he was so different than the rest of them. Remus suggesting taking him along with them really fit.

You have created a nice warm environment of the school which I love. All the friendships are growing and evolving in a natural way and nothing seems like it was purposefully done because it's canon. :)

Love,
Ashwini

Author's Response: Oohh How was Madurai? I'm sure it was really beautiful.

I know what you mean about knowing the future of the Marauders. it does make writing their happy moments really really sad. The Lily and Snape friendship was something I was reluctant to write about but it has turned out to be my guilty pleasure because I'm really beginning to enjoy shouwing their co-dependancy (in the later chapters)

I'm, honored that you think it's developing naturally, because I didn't want anypart to feel forced at all. Peter joining the marauders was always a touchy point with me, and tbh I still feel it could have been done better... maybe while revision?

Thank you for your review,
Love,
Ysh


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Review #2, by Marta (JilyFever) 

12th June 2016:
Hey! I know I haven't been reviewing in a long time, but that's cuz I had some computer problems :s anyway, I'm re-reading all chapters to get to know the new characters and it's cool how theyve been introduce in a subtle way, I really like it and I hope they develop more as characters in future chapters.
Once again I hope my review helps in anyway and I do think youre writing a lovely story and I'll definitely keep reading it!
P.s. I kind of would like to know your opinion on something.. ive been reading a lot of fics and getting really inspired to maybe write my one.. but I'm too conscious of it and very shy too put my ideas out there.. got any tips? Thank you so much!

Author's Response: Hey Marta!!

I'm glad your computer is okay now. I'll be updating Chapter 19 anytime now. I needed the new characters for some future parts, but I do hope you got the feel of them, though they'll be remaining minor for long.

I do love your reviews, it's reassuring to know you're reading and enjoying my story :)

Also, I think it's wonderful that stories here have inspired you to write. I really do think you should take that plunge. Most of us started out that way... why don't you join some forums like on fanfiction. net (rating M) or ff.net. com (rating 15+) to get you started? I personally prefer the latter. Look me up there, I'm 'Flaming Quilltips' There are some amazing posts about how to set off, and some challenges that can start you off as well.

Love, and hope you keep reading!!

XOXO
Ysh


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Review #3, by victoria_anne 

24th March 2016:
Hey Ysh!!

Wee here we are at chapter 4! Looks like everyone is settling into Hogwarts! So already, the relationship between James and Snape is so tense and mean :( I honestly feel so sorry for Snape, to know this goes on for most of his time in Hogwarts. Wah to bullying :(

On a similar note - Peter! I feel so sorry for him too! Although, by being the fourth boy in the year, I can kind of see how this is how he came to be their friend (since this is always so questionable) and clearly James and Sirius warm up to him eventually. Remus makes my heart MELT! *dreamy weird sigh because he's still only 11 but eh oh well* In fact, Remus isn't even all that close to them yet. I can't wait to see how you write them becoming the best of friends and (eventually) the Marauders!

How cheeky are James and Sirius?! I loved the broomstick lesson, those two are such trouble makers already!

You mentioned that a concern for this chapter is that it's quite choppy. I think I only noticed it because I was looking for it, but quite honestly, I like these little scenes. They're like little snippets of everyone's time at Hogwarts, since you've taken on so many POVs. If you just remember to visit each thread every so often, I don't see a problem with how you're going :D

Love love xx

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Review #4, by DragonPoxPixie 

29th February 2016:
[and part three of reviewing-chaos]

It fits in so seamlessly with your story having Remus suggest to the other boys to include Peter. As they at first didn't seem to take to kindly on him and clearly needed some encouragement. It's so sweet to have it come from Remus who shows himself willing to take that risk of losing the friends he just made and reveals his compassionate nature. It makes perfect sense for him to do so as he sadly knows what it's like to be alone and really shows his character.
Back to potions! Having Lily shining in the subject not dispute her being a muggle born but partly because she is a muggle born is so so so clever! Cannot praise you enough for coming up with that! Slughorns reaction to it is once more in perfect unison with how we know he is. You also wrote the conversation between Snape and Lily very well, slowly showing more and more small cracks in what was a good friendship and how they have to put in more and more effort to try to keep it as it was. As we know that eventually the friendship will end, this is a very good way to show that when that time comes, it won't be over a single fight/disagreement but has been something that has been on the verge of happening for a while at that point.
The scene in the owlery that follows in a great example of how you are good at foreshadowing events that aren't canon as well, hinting at a plot tab ats already worked out and showing that this isn't all written on a as-you-go per-chapter basis. Not that that would be a bad thing but it's very promising this way! Also using one scene to tell/show more of two O/C is once more a very clever move. It makes the scene that follows feel very fitting and makes for a nice flow of the story and allows me as a reader to get to know the other characters at a nice pace (opposed to being bombarded with information as sometimes happens). Once more it left me wanting to learn more about them and the part they are about to play

Chapter Five.
I was very impressed with the first scene. With the bit of information you have given before and this combined I get a feeling that I really know Adhara much like the other characters. Again you managed to pull of a likable character (her mother) without writing a Mary Sue, on the contrary even, you gave her some traits that could be result in someone having a dislike of her but instead of her seeming "flat" you made her very well-rounded and human. In a relatively short scene I thought hat was very impressive. I also like how she only now discovers that she isn't the only Gryffindor in the family, her not knowing before tells a lot about her upbringing without you having to literally tell us. And I just love how this changes her perspective on her situation, I was so looking forward to reading how this would influence her behavior upon her return to Hogwarts!
The article in the muggle-paper is such a nice addition to the story! It just screams magic at me haha and I wanted to shout at Lily to make the connection but seeing as how she might not have heard too much about what happens around her yet I can forgive her. It's written much like any sensational article and again it's something that gave the story a realistic touch. Also I really liked the way you described Lily here, lazing around in the sun and feeling like she has the best of both worlds despite feeling slightly out of touch with one of them. It made her character grow on me even more.
The letter that follows is such a clever tool to show what has been going on as well! And it's always nice to see (a lot) of canon-character involved and see minor ones growing well- less minor haha. Her mentioning Christmas and how Sirius was treated by his mother during it really made me want to read more about it although at the same time it is a nice example of how you leave things to the readers imagination. Which by the way can be said about a lot of things in the story, it's pretty high-paced (squeezing one year in less the 5 chapters) but it doesn't feel like you've cut corners or rushed through it.
It was funny to read how Regulus gave Sirius the gold from their father as the relationship between his parents is the opposite of the one between Adhara's parents in the previous scene. Also I liked how you decided not to make both his parents seem like they are pure evil as they often are portrayed. And it's so cute how Regulus tries so hard to get Sirius to see his mothers point of view and tries to get Sirius to soften up a bit.
The scene with James and his parents brought a big smile on my face. It really shows that no matter what the other in his year are going through, they all are still only twelve and at least he is lucky enough to be treated as such by his parents (and very age-appropriate embarrassed by it hihi). Also "Merlin's Shit" is one I haven't read before, but found very funny (don't hate me if I end up stealing erm borrowing it hihi).
Ugh, Lucius again. Already he's a proper snake, sneaking people to do as he wishes tip-toeing the line between polite and offensive. You've really turned the grown-up Malfoy from the books into a very sneaky younger version in whom you can clearly recognize what and how he will be later on.
Also, I really liked how you've kept the pea-brain a thing in Snape's description of Sirius (I really liked it when you used it in previous chapters and was glad to see you keep it up). The uncomfortable feeling Snape has as he sits with other from his House is clearly felt and I really enjoyed how you included Regulus in a scene that didn't (directly) involve Sirius as well). Also adding Narcissa was pretty awesome.

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Review #5, by Unwritten Curse 

27th January 2016:
TEAM GOLD

Gah Severus. He was so kind to Lily, reassuring her that she'd be just fine on a broomstick, then James got involved and he got mean. I've always found Snape to be such a frustrating character. He's got a good heart and ultimately good intentions, but he's so… petty. I'm not sure if that's the right word. But he frustrates me because I'm never sure whether he's good or bad. You know? I'm just rambling now but all of this is to say that I think you write him very well. You capture the frustrating nature of his personality and my annoyance means you've done your job as a writer.

Remus is so kind to include Peter. You're just making their friendship more and more believable with every passing chapter. I love it.

Speaking of believable, I'm loving Lily's introduction to the wizarding world. I liked the scene of her in Potions, soaking the leaves in warm water, and Slughorn saying that Muggleborns were judged too quickly. I couldn't help but smile. It makes so much sense now why she was so bookish and intent on keeping her grades up. It was like she had a point to prove. Like Hermione.

Awww Adhara. Poor thing. I wondered why she had pulled Sirius aside in the previous chapter. Now it all makes sense. They're both going through the same thing. I SMELL A FUTURE ROMANCE. Just saying. ;)

--Gina

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Review #6, by Meleessuhh 

18th January 2016:
Oh no Lily and Sev's relationship is starting to take a nosedive isn't it? I truly love how sweet and innocent their friendship is but I can't help but feel that it will slowly become very bitter. I've never understood why James and Sirius never liked Severus, but part of me wants to say because he was an easy target. Lily is starting to get stuck in a tricky spot, because she wants to be friends with the Gryffindors but at the same time keep her relationship with Sev, even when he becomes mean back to them.

Oh and I love how good Lily is at potions! It makes sense that she's thinking like a Muggle and it's going to her advantage. And the last part of the chapter with Adhara was sad as well but makes sense. They're still young and she comes from a proud family so of course she doesn't want anyone to know how upset she is. I really like Lily's innocence as well, and how she's becoming less hesitant to answer questions.

I really liked this chapter! Moving on to the next :)

Author's Response: Lily and Sev's friendship could have never lasted. I know JKR said that if he hadn't taken to Dark Arts, Lily might have returned his feelings. But I still think they are very different personalities, and I can't ever see them together, because though Snape seeked redemption he was still a mean git even when as an adult he knew better. He bullied Neville for no reason!
*sorry about the rant up there!*

But of course, nothing justifies what James and Sirius do to him.

Yes, Lily is starting to develop into a version of herself now, isn't she?

I love your reviews :) *hug*


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Review #7, by fwoopersong8 

11th January 2016:
NO JAMES STOP YOU ARROGANT PIG!

Sorry. That was my hatred of young James coming out. It's such a love-hate relationship, isn't it? You have to appreciate his mischievousness, but every time he speaks to Snape I just want to sock him in the jaw. It reminds me so much of Draco vs. All the Muggleborns (and I know JKR drew this distinction and I love her for it). JAMES. STOP.

But speaking of Snape, I love your characterization of him. He's a pitiable character but he's a toxic friend. This was my favorite thing about your entry in the Totally Platonic Challenge, remember? I love it because I really think that's how he was. Lily is drawn to him out of compassion and really tries to be his friend, but he's just toxic. I love it.

And you have to love Remus. Already the big brother of the group and standing up for Peter. "Why?" James? "WHY?" Why are you asking why? Do you think of anyone besides yourself???

Sorry.

Good work!

~Songs

Author's Response: James is just a little bit annoying, but I can never hate him whatever he does. And he isn't a mean sadistic bully... and I firmly believe Snape was a special case (wishful thinking much?)

Yes! It is my headcanon that Snape is the toxic friend - I believe that he gets needy and clingy and a little too dependent on the other person to the extent of wanting to control them passive-aggressively. That's honestly so complex for my to wrap my mind around but I'm going to enjoy writing it.

Ah I can understand your anti-James rant. Maybe if I saw James in real life I would have felt the same way. But then again maybe not. I have a thing for cute, arrogant Jocks (eeps!)

Thanks a lot for stopping by, Songs!


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Review #8, by Dirigible_Plums 

7th December 2015:
Hey,

It's Plums and I've returned at long last with your requested review. :)

I like the pace that you're developing your story at and how you gradually include various aspects of the wizarding world into it. Blood prejudice, for example, has been introduced at a really early age. In the HP books, I think it wasn't properly mentioned until CoS, but in 'Once Upon A', the harsh reality of the prejudices in her new world are fast showing. You can see she's still rather naive at this point - as Marlene says, "It is tough to understand if you haven’t grown up in our world." - and I don't look forward to the point where she realises the extent of it and some of her innocence is taken away.

Ugh. As much as I love James and Sirius, they are not my favourite people right now. I mean, poor Peter hasn't betrayed them yet. He's just another little boy away from home. I'm sure that it must be lonely at Hogwarts without friends; purposefully excluding him isn't necessary. It's interesting how you're using Remus as the reason to bring them all together. I don't think there's any one way about this since I've seen a whole range of ways that people have interpreted it to have happened: some people have placed importance on James bringing them all together, others have had them band together out of necessity that then turned into a true friendship etc. I do think this is a believable way to do it.

Snape and Lily's friendship conflicts me. They're so young and this friendship must mean the world to both of them. Sev is Lily's first and oldest link to the magical world and her best friend while Lily is his best friend. Being apart must hurt and seeing Lily get along with his tormentors, even if she does shun them and scold them for bullying him, must hurt. But then he becomes mean and approaches the situation too cruelly. The problems that end their friendship later are already appearing.

“you need to find friends in your own house too,” - I wonder whether Lily knows that she might've set him on the path to befriending future Death Eaters?

Onto the suggestions:

- In the Potions scene, I noticed that you switch from 'Severus' to 'Snape'. Was this on purpose because Lily argues with him and it's from her perspective? I only ask because I was going to suggest keeping it 'Severus' in scenes from her POV and 'Snape' with anyone else as a nice, subtle way of solidifying the switch in perspective. But if it's intentional, don't worry about it.

- 'Lily's eyes shone triumphantlu.' Small typo there :) I was also wondering why Lily's triumphant? It seemed a little strange to me that it was placed there. Is it because Adhara finally spoke to her?

- Maybe you can consider merging the last two scenes into one? I don't know why, but it seemed quite abrupt to me to end it with Marlene being left to 'draw her own conclusions' on what happened and then start the next scene with her going back to the common room to voice them to Lily. The two scenes seem to be close enough in time and subject matter to be one long one.

I hope this helps :)

xo

Author's Response: Plums! Glad to have you back :D

Yes, I realize this was too early to bring in blood prejudice, but in this case Voldemort's rising had already started in 1970, so I assumed it would have to factor in sooner. Yes, Lily's innocence is so endearing. I feel that's what would have attracted Snape to her as well!

Yeah, James and Sirius do tend to get carried away don't they :D I have seen the cases you speak of about how Peter was included, but I read in JKRs writing that Remus always stuck up for the underdog and he was the one who helped Peter out a lot. Also in PoA, Peter appeals to Remus first, and I felt there was an undertone where Peter turns to Remus. So I felt Remus would be the one to want to include him.

I didn't want to make it such that Lily hates the Marauders initially. I see her as slightly insecure, she wouldn't hold long term grudges, because she's as eager to fit in, she just doesn't seem desperate about it. Snape would hate it, and I kinda sympathize with him. I would hate it if my best friend was friends with people who treated me badly. I understand that it's wrong to be so posessive, but we are all human.

Haha, Lily will never realzie that!

Regarding suggestions:

Yes, I was actually wondering that about the Severus-Snape switch myself. I didn't know how to go about it. I'll take your suggestion and do that. It makes things so much easier for myself!

And Lily's triumphant expression was because she got it right that it was Adhara's brother. More like an I told you so look. I guess it sounds a bit odd here.

I went back and read it, it does seem a little abrupt. Maybe I will delve a little deeper into Marlene's thoughts, maybe during the walk to the common room.

Thank you so much for your amazing review! I wait for them!


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Review #9, by Gabriella Hunter 

24th November 2015:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums here with your review and so sorry that this is late! I see that you have two more chapters for me to read and I'll totally read those too! Be sure to stop by my thread again!

A lot of little things happened in this chapter. I like that we're still getting perspectives from Lily, James and the rest. They have such a different way of looking at things and it's interesting to see just how different their opinions are. The way they interact with their friends and even down to how they behave around others says alot about them. I am enjoying your Lily too, she's such a sweet natured girl and to see her nervous about where she stands as a witch is just really good development, I think.

We hardly ever see this side to her in other stories, she's usually just so hot tempered and snarky. I like this gentle side to her a lot more, she fits her age, personality wise. James and Sirius on the other hand are just so confident and sure of themselves, I can see how that can be a little off putting sometimes and I expected something to happen during that flying lesson.

They're SO mean to Snape and while I'm not going to say that he's an angel either, I never quite understood why they hated him so much. It's strange. James and Sirius were pretty mean during their flying lesson too, what a bunch of show offs! On the other hand, Snape is beginning to show some unpleasant traits as well. He's getting a little too judgmental and possessive of Lily, she is right when she said that he should try and find his own friends too.

Now, the ending with Adhara was interesting and something that I wasn't going to expect! I like Marlene's explanation about pureblood ideas, something that Lily wouldn't really understand. I'm not sure if Adhara is going to stay the same after breaking down the way she did but Lily is so open minded about people. I really do wonder what might happen next, if she'll try to befriend Adhara or not but I suppose we'll have to wait until next chapter!

Thanks for the read!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Gabbie!

Great to have you back here!

I do tend to draw parallels between Lily's nervousness about being muggle-born and Harry's initial insecurity when he was going to Hogwarts. How he felt slightly inadequate for not knowing things. Lily's eagerness to learn from Snape, I always felt was her means to cover her insecurities.

Yes, i have a hard time believing a 11 year old could be snarky and hot tempered. Also, the way most people talk about Lily in the books, I don't ever think she was snarky and hot tempered. As was explained later, her loss of temper in the OWLS was attributed more to Snape being her best friend rather than her general personality.

James and Sirius have to be brats initially. James because he's spoilt and Sirius because he's Black :D. As Sirius said, they were all idiots at the time!

Snape, I never liked him, and I still don't. I understand his one true love concept. But Snape is still slimy and minipulative and mean and dark. He's downright unpleasent. And James and Sirius are so straightforward, whatever they may be, they cannot stant sliminess.

Ah, Adhara is an enigma even for me! Let me see how my muse takes me :D

Thanks a lot for the wonderful review!

Love,
Ysh!


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Review #10, by adluvshp 

23rd November 2015:
Hey! Here for your requested review from the forums =) I decided to read both Chapters 3 and 4 and leave a review here!

I am really enjoying the story! You're doing so well with the characterisations of the Marauders. In Chapter 3, you did a good job in portraying Remus' happiness at finally being at Hogwarts, James and Sirius already causing trouble and getting noticed by older students, and Sirius' mum coming in was a nice touch. It all added to their personalities. Slughorn's portrayal was done nicely too and I enjoyed reading the class they had. Lily's flair for potions is already showing and that's cool. Adhara is an interesting character and I like how she's shaping up too. Good job.

The Flying lessons in this chapter was very good. I enjoyed reading it and it showed an interesting insight into the characters. Severus and James' spat made sense and was written naturally. I'm glad the dynamics are already being explored.

James reminded me of Harry during the lesson - Madam Hooch asking him to come down when he flew when he wasn't supposed to - just like Harry did in his first lesson hehe. Loved that bit!

Remus' compassion and wanting to include Peter is sweet. It says a lot about his personality and I'm glad you're keeping him very canon here. Little details that like really make the story work =)

Lily and Severus are already arguing, hehe. Makes sense of course. They're in different houses and obviously their personalities clash. I like how you continue to show Severus' feelings for Lily without blatantly expressing them. The dialogue and descriptions work well that way.

I don't know what Adhara is up to but you certainly have brought in an interesting twist there. The whole interaction with her brother, Marlene's run-in with her, and poor Adhara crying. And then of course Adhara ignoring Lily. I look forward to how that's developed as the story progresses.

All in all, things are certainly going very well in the story. Your plot is engaging, the characterisations are nicely shaping up, and your narrative flows well. I'm quite enjoying it. Feel free to re-request!

Cheers,
Angie

Author's Response: Hey Angie!

Ohh yay, you read both chapters!

James and Sirius would be noticed by everyone. They are the alphas! I love writing the Marauders, its just so challenging. Except stupid Peter. I haven't written anything from his PoV!

Ohh yes, that James bit was supposed to be poetic. Harry's defiance on the broom brought out the Lily in him (wanting to immediately defend the person being bullied) but his talent is James'.

Yes, I was worried that Lily Severus spat so early was unbelievable, but Snape's resentment at her being in a differnt house would have to be expressed somehow!

Adhara is the only pure OC I have included as one of my main characters. She's tough to write since I want to make her dark. I'm no good at dark. I'm glad you like her. I'm trying to show that there's a lot more to her than what meets the eye. She's going to be a handful to write.

Thank you so much for your encouragement! I will definitely re-request. I look forward to hearing from you :)

Love,
Ysh


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Review #11, by HB 

12th November 2015:
So finally something on Adhara! And good to see those Flying lessons! It's just how I expected James & Sirius to behave. Would have loved to see an extended version of the flying lessons though (some more of the tension between Snape & the others)

The Potions class bit was a nice touch. Lily was just very Lily helping out Sirus & Remus. And Snape was all Snape, getting offended. Good going but I'm waiting for the big punch in the next few chapters!

Cheers
HB

Author's Response: Thank you for reviewing HB :D

I will deliver the big punch soon :)


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