Reading Reviews From Member: forever_dreaming
15 Reviews Found

Review #1, by forever_dreamingWrong number: Fifth call

22nd January 2018:
"I think you burned that bridge with your drunken elephant grace." PSSHT JAMES I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE CHARMING.

Okay that's a lie. He's so charming. I love him, and I love Lizzy, and together they're so delightful and sweet and I honestly couldn't stop smiling this entire chapter. It was sort of the perfect conclusion? I love that Lizzy brought up the very real problem of the fact that James was a "perfect stranger", and I love how James quickly dispelled the notion that they don't know anything about each other. I suppose in some ways he really is a "perfect" stranger haha! (Gosh that was so cheesy I'm so sorry).

This story has made me laugh and smile so much. I'm favoriting it to return to it later on sad days, because honestly, I can't walk away from this without feeling like I'm walking on clouds, my heart melting, weightless. So sweet. I love teeth-rotting fluff like this, it always leaves me in such a good mood.

I have to comment on this since I don't think I have yet: your use of dialogue is so masterful and I'm so jealous haha! You've barely used any dialogue tags,letting the dialogue itself speak for itself—and yet, you managed to create such a vivid repartée in my head. I could actually hear James and Lizzy talking, the giggles and the hysterical verbal diarrhea, and the low chuckles.

Ah. This was such a delight to read. Thanks so much for requesting reviews from me; I'm so glad that I had the chance to read this story!

Author's Response: Wa! He instead lets her smoothly know that he remembers what she says (NO HE DOESN'T HE'S JUST A MAN OH LORD HELP HIM)
Cheesy or not, that's the whole story - a perfect stranger.
I'm so so so glad you loved this story! Honestly it is just so satisfying to know that people enjoy something I write when I feel silly! Your good mood is MY good mood!
And wow, so many compliments!! You're a flatterer :')
THIS was a delight to read! thank you so much again and let me tell you, I'm going to request more from you! my smile doesn't want to leave. thank you xxx

 Report Review

Review #2, by forever_dreamingWrong number: Fourth call

22nd January 2018:
Oooh, some conflict between these two! I'm happy, because conflict always means a happy resolution and stronger relationship, but also sad because I was enjoying their light-hearted banter. Actually, this chapter made me realize that we don't really know much about Elizabeth yet—like James, all we know is that she's a model and that she's flippin' adorable. Like, so adorable I have a massive crush on her and want to kick James to the curb so I can have her to myself haha :D

I'm really curious about her reasons for not wanting to meet James, and actually a little suspicious? I thought at first that perhaps it was just insecurities on her part, but Elizabeth was so aggressive, perhaps overly so, about his request to meet her. That, combined with the fact that she does still seem like a bit of a stranger, makes me wonder if she's hiding something? Which makes me even more intrigued to read the next chapter.

Somehow, when you were introducing this conflict, the tone still remained so light-hearted. Even with this part, which made me snort out loud (even though I've literally read SO MANY "Serious" jokes hahaha):

"“Are you serious?”

James grin became huge “That’s my middle name, darling.”"

Like... that's so in-character for James haha!

Anyway, on to the next chapter! (Thanks, really, for requesting reviews. This story is making my day!

Author's Response: Conflict is what moves the world, oh yes!
And yes, you noticed - I had both of them being actually strangers, as they're similar in the fact that don't share much but in different ways: he uses charm and charisma to deflect questions while she starts rambling and sidetracks the listener. gosh I'm obsessed with them.
Here instead it was as simple as it looked - she's insecure, and she's been burned by a Weasley before, even though she lied and told James that 'no one had hurt her'
ahah I was hoping the pun would feel natural - I've read it in so many fan fiction, but in that moment i swear it wrote itself! one moment she was asking him to be serious and the next... well, you know how it goes!
Thank you again for your lovely reviews and sorry it took me so long to answer!!

 Report Review

Review #3, by forever_dreamingWrong number: Third call

22nd January 2018:
Aw. Like in the last chapter, I'm grinning so wide. There's something so innocent and wholesome about their relationship. I was laughing so hard when Elizabeth was talking about James; she really can't shut up, but I find that so cute!

What I loved most about this chapter was James and Elizabeth's conversation about skills on their résumes. (That's such a cute idea. Some of my skills would include being able to sing all the songs in the Hamilton soundtrack, include the rap parts, by heart, and create a mean mac and cheese in under 15 minutes :D). They made me smile and laugh and generally made my heart feel light. (This fic tends to do that haha). I love that you showed this conversation, though; these funny getting-to-know-you conversations are often cut from books, and I find that so sad.

Also I love their nicknames for one another. Jamie and Liz. So flipping adorable!

Author's Response: Honestly, what I really love about James is that he doesn't hold it against her - which is what shows us that this is fiction :')
I'm so glad you liked that part! I was afraid it could feel a bit off-topic/filler, but it was too important for me to show that they don't have EVERYTHING in common - like how James hates wine and she doesn't, etc.
And you're really impressive for knowing the rap part in Hamilton!
awww thanks!!

 Report Review

Review #4, by forever_dreamingWrong number: Second call

22nd January 2018:
Awww okay, this was such a delightfully adorable chapter haha! Honestly, James and Elizabeth have such a pure relationship. I really like that she seems to accidentally call James in moments of crisis; it not only makes their conversations so hilarious, but also rather dramatized and seems to make her more honest. This chapter had me grinning and full-on giggling. My sister gave me a weird look so thanks for that haha! :P

One thing that I have noted is that James doesn't seem to be sharing much about himself; he doesn't contradict Elizabeth about any of the preconceptions she has about him. I'm wondering if that's going to be a source of conflict for the two of them in the future. (Also, I'm wondering if you've ever read "I've Got Your Number" by Sophie Kinsella. It's a rather different premise, but the main characters' relationship is so flipping cute, just as cute as James and Elizabeth's! Honestly, all of Sophie Kinsella's books are fluffy sweetness).

I adore how smitten James is with Elizabeth, already asking her out. (Boy does move fast, doesn't he hahaha?) I can't wait to read about their date!

Author's Response: Here I am, finally!! Oh, how I've loved your reviews!
Elizabeth has a LOT of moments of crisis, and during those moments she never checks the number she calls! ahah I'm so happy I could make you laugh!
James is very closed, actually, and I'm so glad you noticed: he is sure of himself and comfortable in his skin most of the time, but he's a rather private person actually, a byproduct of growing up in a big family and a bit of Harry, too.
i've never read it but it's going on my reading list like now! Kinsella is amazing, my favourite of hers was the one with Samantha that is a big lawyer and ends up working as a maid and falls in love with the cute gardener. so many feels!
Yes, another thing about James is that he is full of love to give and he gets attached pretty quickly and since he's confident enough, he doesn't see the problem in showing it. gosh I love how you pick up on this stuff! I swear I think about their personality traits so much I sometimes feel they could be real people :)
thanks!! xx

 Report Review

Review #5, by forever_dreamingMiracle : { excitement is out, anxiety is in }

22nd January 2018:
Hey! First day of classes—I totally get Marisa's stress about not wanting to slip up in front of everyone. And we meet more secondary characters. I love how diverse your cast of characters is; it makes me really happy to see someone actively including POC in next gen, which has always seemed too white-washed, IMO.

I really enjoyed seeing more of Marisa's personality! I like that she's feisty, that she didn't back down when those boys insulted her. I also really like that her fiestiness sometimes arises at inopportune times; she was a little rude, in my opinion, to Cho and McGonagall, and I can imagine that her fiestiness might lead her to unwittingly make an enemy every now and then.

I was hoping to see some more of that meta-how-does-magic work investigation stuff in her charms class, but that description sadly wasn't there. Also I'd really advise changing/elaborating on the beginning—the "woke up by an alarm clock" is cliché, and you're certainly more creative than that! If she couldn't sleep, it would be great to elaborate on her dreams. Does she miss her family? Is she having nightmares about this world? If she's doing reading on the Wizarding World—as I'd actually expected someone like her to do—what kind of visions does that conjure for her about the nature of the Wizarding World? I think that a lot of her acclimatization thus far has been Hogwarts traditions, etc.; we've yet to see Marisa trying to figure things out by herself, which makes her feel like a passive character—even though she definitely has an active personality.

Overall, though, this was a very well-written chapter, and I'm looking forward to continuing to follow Marisa on her journey! I'm especially looking forward to meeting Albus again ;) hahah! Can't wait for the next chapter.

Author's Response: ahhh, i really appreciate that! i actively try to have a diverse cast because, you know, it doesn't take much to do so!

i really could do better on this chapter, you're right! i will get on editing! i love that you think that marissa has an active personality, so i suppose i should make the action a little more interesting!

thank you for reading and reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #6, by forever_dreamingMiracle : { never stop smiling }

22nd January 2018:
Hello! So this was a great chapter. I really loved meeting the new characters like Fred, Scorpius, and Halley, and wonder how many of them will play majorly recurring roles in this fic. My favorite part was the conversation about Halley's Comet; I liked seeing Marisa's clear intelligence, which I think was also evident when the Sorting Hat mentioned her ambitions. She's clearly a really driven person, which is admirable in a heroine and not too common in next-gen fics, I've found!

Speaking of her ambition, at first I felt a little confused about her being placed into Slytherin, maybe because of the preconceptions I have of the house? I think that her motivations make sense though, wanting someplace where she would be trusted; if there's anything we've seen in the books, it's that Slytherins are unfailingly loyal to one another, even if that loyalty doesn't necessarily extend to others. Also noting her ambitiousness, Slytherin seems more and more a reasonable choice. I think that Hufflepuff could've also been a rather good fit for Marisa, in terms of providing her an accepting, nonjudgemental home—so I'm curious about why specifically you chose Slytherin for her. (I mean, it'll be much easier for her to meet Albus now—so perhaps it was for plot-convenience?)

If I had to suggest any con-crit, I'd suggest maybe quickening the pace a little? At times the story feels a little slow, perhaps because you're showing us Marisa's acclimation to her new world—but Marisa doesn't really reflect too much on her new world, which makes her observations about the Wizarding World less personal to her and more just general observations that any character would have. She clearly has a scientist's mind—I would love to see her viewing the world with that sort of outlook, maybe admiring the architecture of the castle from a mathematical and scholarly point of view too, not just an aesthetic point of view.

I've really liked learning more about Marisa as a character though, becoming more familiar with her personality. She's certainly an intriguing character!

Excited to keep reading :)

Author's Response: yes yes yes you totally get marissa, and you're literally telling me things even i didn't know wow!!

I was a little apprehensive of placing her in slytherin as well because people might not right away get why she's in slytherin, and i thought i just might place in her ravenclaw, but then i thought it about it, and ravenclaw isn't really the place for her at all! i get why you would think why placing her in hufflepuff might be easier, but i think there are plenty of other ways for her to meet Al! oh! please keep in mind that i haven't mentioned al's house yet! he could be anywhere ;)

ah, yeah, i suppose i should speed up the pace, and i might have to make some of her thoughts more hers, ya know? i've gotten a lotta feedback from people, and i think i have a solid idea of what i need to crack down on!

Thank you for reading and reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #7, by forever_dreamingMiracle : { a brave new world not unlike fiction }

17th January 2018:
Hello! Here with your second requested review :) I was really excited to keep reading since the first chapter set up such an interesting situation.

I loved the first section of this chapter, with Marisa’s conversation with Chie and Leiko. Chie and Leiko have such well-defined personalities, and hey we’re so instantly likable—pretty impressive that you built such likable characters in such a short number of words. I did think that their introduction was a little abrupt and that you could have some sort of transition to indicate who Chie and Leiko are to Marisa.

I loved Leiko’s revelation! I really sympathize with her for being a Squib, but I think that’s kind of interesting—now Marisa has someone who can advise her in the future as she acclimates to the Wizarding World. Hopefully she sticks around as a main character!

I really liked seeing Marisa go through Diagon Alley. I think I mentioned this in my previous review, but one characteristic of hers that I enjoy is that she’s so pragmatic and logical; a lot of her reactions made me laugh because they’re such legitimate questions. I think that perhaps part of this is also due to her age; I think she’s lost some of that childlike wonder eleven years old have towards everything.

Speaking of her age, I found it a little odd that no one questioned why she was getting a wand or even going to Hogwarts at 18. That felt like the only inconsistency. I did love her first meeting with Al (and certainly agree with her concerns about brooms!).

This was a great second chapter! I’m excited to read more :)

Author's Response: hello!

are they really? i dunno, i just had a very defined idea of what they might be like personality wise, and when i wrote them, i think i was really inspired.

i want them to stick around too! i'll have to do some planning, and moving around, but ultimately i intend for them to stay. what's the point of introducing them in the story with a strong relation to Marissa with no real purpose in the story?

i really like what you have to say about Marissa's reactions. i never really thought about it that way, just that i knew that she was eighteen and that her reactions to everything might be more subdued, and might start noticing more than the average 11 year old.

you bring up a good point! it is questionable why they don't react at all to Marissa's age, so I might have to change that up a bit. it is however a teensy bit addressed in the fourth chapter, so.

thank you for reading!

 Report Review

Review #8, by forever_dreamingMiracle : { it starts at the beginning }

16th January 2018:
Hello! Here with your requested review from HPFT :) Iwas really excited when you requested a review since I’ve been eying this story for quite a while; when I first heard of the premise, it sounded honestly fascinating and so unique. I think this was a great expository chapter in setting up the scene.

At the beginning, I was a little bit confused about when in Marisa’s life the story was starting so perhaps make that clearer? I eventually came to the understanding that she was probably around 8 or 9 years old.

I really liked your description of how Marisa’s magic starts to manifest itself; I loved how you described her being able to see the tendrils of her energy and grasp at them—super creative image. I also think it was really smart that Marisa’s magic is most apparent when she’s angry/highly emotional; I think this fits with the canonical development of magic.’I think one of the coolest aspects of this fic is the exploration of how magic actually manifests, and you’re developing really interesting ideas about how magic works, which I really appreciate on a meta level!

Marisa, as a character, is really compelling and likable. She seems so down-to-Earth and I find her pragmatism to be so endearing. I loved how she closed the window after the owl came thinking that she’d already let so many bugs in hahaha. Just a little line but it was quite amusing! I also thought her reactions to everything were really natural, very realistic and justified.

Finally, I liked seeing your ideas of what the Wizarding World is like now. I’m curious about why you chose Cho to be the Headmistress of Hogwarts, that’s a rather unique choice (especially because canonically, she marries a Muggle and cuts herself off from magic entirely). I also really liked the books written by the Golden Trio, I thought that was cute haha.

Generally, this chapter was a really interesting start! I think that one constructive criticism I could offer is that the flow feels stilted at times, and I think that’s due to a slight lack of support in details. I think adding a few more details (just some more sensory information or information about her environment—it doesn’t need to be excessive) can really help with the flow. This is rather difficult to do, I know, and the best way to learn how to do that is to read a lot of fics that do it well. So if you’d like, I can point you in the direction of fics similar to yours: with a super interesting premise and a very action-packed pace, but a good mixing of supporting details to create nice flow.

Other than that, great chapter! Looking forward to reading the next one :)

Author's Response: HI, UM? you had been eyeing this story for a while?? that to me sounds so wild, that someone had wanted to read the fic without me asking them!!

yeah, i probably should specify her age, but at the time also thought that it wasn't really a necessary detail. complete fault of mine.

tbh, i think my favorite part of this story is the meta part of it! i really enjoyed exploring why magic manifests and how it could manifest and how the development of magic could be stunted!

I'm really glad you like Marissa; she's a character near and dear to me, similar to me in the ways that matter, but also very different in how i expect she'll handle certain situations.

to be honest, i just didn't like canon Cho. maybe she did marry a muggle man, but what if Cho stayed and pursued a career in the wizarding world? I think there're a lot of possibilities, but this is the one I like the most. she's just a fun character to play with, even if she's just a minor one.

thank you for the cc; i think I might need to give this first chapter thorough looking over, and i think your advice is really helpful.

thanks so much for reading and reviewing!

 Report Review

Review #9, by forever_dreamingLogarithmic: (2)

22nd August 2017:
Oh man, that first meeting. That is what dreams are made of—I loved loved loved how sassy Eloise was. I think that fits her personality perfectly. Also Cormac was adorably arrogant--he was characterized perfectly but where I disliked this characterization in the books, it actually sort of worked? I thought his whole thing about his "natural charm" was really funny and am looking forward to more interactions between Eloise and Cormac.

I was really surprised by Eloise as a main character here. I found it admirable and surprising that she still has her optimism about Hogwarts, even considering everything that has happened to her there and how much her classmates have mistreated her; in her perspective, I would've been like, "Yeah, no, I'll just stay home." I think you explained this well with Eloise placing her distrust and hatred on her classmates and not on Hogwarts itself, but it did strike me as odd at first.

I feel so bad for Susan. She seems like a cinnamon roll that I want to protect forever ❤️ I really like her and Eloise's friendship; they feel like sisters and that warms my heart. I like that Eloise has someone beside her to support her. I also like Hannah; I think that where Susan is soft, Hannah is hard, and that's the perfect balance. Hannah's assertiveness is fantastic; I can already see it rubbing off on Eloise a little. I can't wait to see what this little trio gets up to!

Also, I love that Eloise has a connection to Miranda Goshawk. That's epic. :D

Author's Response: Hi again!

AHH. I AM SO GLAD YOU LIKED THEIR FIRST MEETING. Eloise tends to default to jokes and sarcasm when nervous, and Cormac definitely makes her nervous. Crushes are all fun and games until someone catches feelings.

I'm so, so happy to hear you say that you like this Cormac where you didn't like him in the books so much! I try to stick to his canon portrayal, but obviously if he was like book!Cormac all the time, Eloise wouldn't give him the time of day. This fic will attempt to explain why he's the way he is, and I hope the explanation won't disappoint.

Eloise's optimism regarding Hogwarts is linked to a deep, longlasting love of academia and learning. School, in spite of the nasty comments of some students, is a safe haven for her (not in the least because it gets her off her mother's overprotective radar). Unfortunately, as we well know, it's not going to stay a safe place, but let's not tell her that just yet!

It's super interesting that you describe Susan as the soft and Hannah the hard one! The dynamic is the opposite in my head, as will become abundantly clear in the coming chapters, so maybe I should give this one a reread and touch up my characterisation for the sake of continuity.

Again, thank you for taking the time to leave a review!

 Report Review

Review #10, by forever_dreamingLogarithmic: (1)

22nd August 2017:
Hi! This was a great first chapter and really made me sympathize with Eloise. I commend you on making such a likable character, even after only the first chapter; I'm fond of Eloise so much that I actually want to punch all the people who were being rude to her and making fun of her! Like, jackasses. *cracks knuckles*

I think part of the reason why I find her so likable is because I relate to her, wanting to become a butterfly. I think you captured the insecurities of a teenage girl perfectly, and the effects of that insecurity too; given everything she went through, it makes sense that she would be withdrawn, antisocial, and still horribly insecure.

I also liked the subtle introduction of her family and her brother and the role they played--I'm quite angry at them for not reassuring Eloise and making her feel loved. I liked how you developd the feeling of aloneness in often very subtle ways too; for example, even in Eloise's safe haven, books, she could not find someone who was like her. That's heartbreaking and very subtly done--nice!

Thanks for giving life to a very disregarded character; I'm excited to read more!

Author's Response: Hi!

If you're already rooting for her by chapter one, my job here is done, hooray! My own growing girl insecurities aren't that far under surface and Eloise's definitely stem from personal experience -- though nothing quite so bad as hers, thank goodness for that.

Your point about family is interesting, because I hadn't considered that the way they were portrayed might've made matters worse. It does 100% make sense: Vincent, though he loves his baby sister and would kill for her, takes his 'making fun of Eloise' elder siblings duty seriously, and their parents would not have helped Eloise's ego with their constant fretting. The way to hell is paved with good intentions, as they say!

This got way too long, oops. Thank you very much for leaving a review :)

 Report Review

Review #11, by forever_dreamingThe Stray: The Stray

13th August 2017:
(cross-posted from HPFT)
I share everyone else's anguish over the fact that this is only a one-shot. Why? I need more adorableness! First off, I commend you again for coming up with such a cool idea. I've never actually stopped to consider where Sirius's nickname came from--I always figured it was something James or Remus might have called him--but this was such a cute and interesting take on that.

I also have to commend you for writing dog!Sirius quite well. I know it must be a little difficult to keep in character when writing for a non-human, but Sirius was still pretty much spot-on throughout the whole fic. I also liked how what was showcased was his compassion and loyalty--the reasons why a dog animagus is perfect for Sirius.

The ending broke my heart. How do you always make my cry with your fluff??? Fluff is not supposed to make people cry hahaha. This is definitely one of my favorite fics of yours :) Well done!

 Report Review

Review #12, by forever_dreamingThe First Quidditch Match: The First Quidditch Game

13th August 2017:
(Cross-posted from HPFT)
Hi! This fic was actually on my TBR labeled as "the fluffy fic that'll probably make you cry and grin and a loser"... and my expectations were completely met and even surpassed. This was so freaking adorable. I completely absolutely 100% agree with you that Harry would treat his kid like this and not like the neglectful jerk he was in CC--especially because of how he was treated by the Dursleys.

So many things to love about this fic. Harry's resignation over Albus's traitorous love for the Cannons. Fierce Rose--I think this portrayal of her as protective and love is much more true to her nature than what was portrayed in CC. Albus's tiny fists (I LOVE BABIES ❤️). Harry being proud of Albus's natural seeking ability. The front row seats. Gosh, everything about it was so sweet and loving.

The entire time I was imagining James doing something similar for Harry and crying a little (okay a lot). I loved that you focused on Harry's love for his son and his desire to make his son feel loved and never neglected--absolutely in character.

The only thing I didn't like about this was that it was so short! I wanted more fluffy sweetness haha!

 Report Review

Review #13, by forever_dreamingThe Bride: the bride

13th August 2017:
Hi! I will say honestly that I'm not really a Draco/Astoria shipper but this fic migjht have converted me a little hahaha. I loved the humor--especially Astoria's dad. I guess we'll know where to look it Draco ever disappears mysteriously? :D

Both Draco and Astoria's personalities shined. I can tell that Astoria is confident, sassy, and clever, all fantastic qualities in a main character. I can also tell that she's decisive and a little spoiled, which is very realistic for a character of her upbringing. I think you considered her background and Draco's personality and built a character that is really perfect for him. Draco was freaking adorable in this fic; I loved his flustering awkwardness and his obvious love for Astoria. I also think that you captured his insecurities after the war very well; it makes sense that Draco would feel guilty and undeserving after all that he did during the war, and I liked that this played a factor in this fic.

My favorite line: "...You know my girls are my world and you were just some boy trying to snake his way into my daughter's...garments.” He cringed at the thought and Draco did as well. Of all the ways for him to put it.

Very funny and sweet!

 Report Review

Review #14, by forever_dreamingActions Speak Louder than Words: Broken: Rose POV

12th July 2017:
Hi! I really liked this chapter; it's a strong start to what's looking to be a really great story. I liked the interactions between the characters (James seems perfectly characterized, which is hard to do considering the very brief mention of him near the end of the chapter). There was a great balance of comic relief and seriousness; you very artfully alluded to what I'm expecting to be a trauma that Rose experienced fairly recently. You made sure to give clues about the what, where, and who of the trauma while still leaving enough mystery that I want to keep reading to find out more.

I think the strongest highlight of this chapter was Rose's characterization. From the start, I disposed all preconcieved notions with her; from the way that she spoke and thought, I could practically hear her in my head. Her depression/anxiety wasn't dramatized at all, really; it was described so realistically. I especially loved the line "I have been numb for two years." What a haunting line!

I can't really recommend much to improve in this chapter, it was overall a very inviting start to what's looking to be a very good story. Characterization-wise, it's excellent in this start. I think you could've improved your description of Selenia's nature, as it felt maybe out of place in the rest of the chapter and felt more like telling and less like showing, but that's a little nit-picky.

Overall, great first chapter!
Actual rating: 8.5, but I rounded down.

Author's Response: Hi there!

Thank you so much for this lovely review! I'm breathing a huge sigh of relief over my characterization. My main goal for this chapter was to set the scene, reel the reader into the story, and make them want to move on to chapter two. And just like you, I don't think a story can go too far without having deeply moving characters that are intriguing and slowly develop throughout the story. My plan is for both Rose and Scorpius to grow, independently and with each other. (I'd love to hear your thoughts on if/how I manage this!)

I agree with you about Selenia's character in this short intro. She might need another sentence or two to establish just where she fits in Rose's life.

Thanks again - this review was so kind!

♥ Beth

 Report Review

Review #15, by forever_dreamingSlaying Demons: Slaying Demons

11th July 2017:
First off, let me just say that this was a very very cute fic--I love Wolfstar (that's pretty much the one area of LGBT+ fics that I have lots of experience in) so I was excited to see this fic! Remus and Sirius were adorable in this, I was practically squealing the entire time.

I think the one large improvement you could make to this story would be more showing and less telling. I could tell that the story was intended to describe an important milestone in Remus and Sirius's relationship, and what had led up to it. The first part was done great; their interaction in that last scene with the motorbike was beautiful. But the latter part, showing what led up to it, lacked a little.

There's lots of ways to show more and tell less. You could start by developing the setting in the beginning; you started off with Remus reflecting, and didn't really describe where he was or what he was doing (other than the fact that he was thinking). Setting is a really important tool of a writer that is often disregarded--you could use the setting of the dormitory to build the atmosphere and give more clues to their relationship. For instance, maybe you could talk about Sirius's clothes on Remus's bed, or talk about the sun filtering through the windows, creating a warmth in the room, that's inviting and loving, like this fic! Another example: when Remus and Sirius are walking, and Sirius is nervous, perhaps you could describe whether Remus picks up on any cues that indicate that Sirius is nervous. Sirius isn't really one to show his nervousness much, I'm sure--this would be a great way to show the depth of their relationship.

Then, in other areas, when you make statements about other milestones in their relationship, perhaps include flashbacks to these moments. For instance, you mentioned that Sirius knew that he loved Remus when Remus's pain hurt him more than his own. Give an example of this.

A second, less major improvement, would be the sort of awkward flow at times. For instance, I thought that it was a little awkward at first that you talked about how Remus's friends always made him smile, but then focused solely on Sirirus. To me, that draws an immediate correlative relationship: Sirius = friend, when in fact, in this fic, Remus and Sirius are already dating. So perhaps it would be better to provide a few examples of how his other friends make him smile, and then differentiate that with how Sirius makes him smile. Another situation: when Remus was wondering about what they'd planned for his birthday,you stated "He wasn't great with surprises but James had the annoying habit...". Those two phrases don't really seem related at all; maybe you meant that Remus wasn't great with maintaining patience when it came to surprises? There's a few places in the fic that are like this (the other one that comes to mind is when Sirius is telling James how he feels about Remus and feels the need to add more--maybe you could fluff that up a little: why does Sirius need to say more? What's that urge compelling him). I can point out other places in a more detailed beta, if you'd like :)

There were a few minor word-choice issues but overall, your fluency was excellent. I might try to use more descriptive language--there was a lot of smiling and grinning, and perhaps it would be better to vary their facial expressions. When I imagined the boys in my head, they seemed maybe a little flat, not with their usual wit and sarcasm and tomfoolery. I did like the pillow-throwing though ^-^

The other thing that I was a little confused about was the title. I understand the reference but I feel maybe it wasn't alluded to enough. I think this is something that would be more impactful if you added more details about the milestones that led to this moment in Remus and Sirius's relationship.

Overall, I really liked this fic. I loved the romanticness of it--the line "I can't promise you forever but I promise every day I have" ad the romantic realism of their understanding that they may not have forever, so they'll be sure to savor every day, was really great. I think one important aspect of Wolfstar and what makes it work is that Sirius pulls Remus out of his comfort zone, and this fic really showed how Remus and Sirius have impacted one another, Remus becoming more adventurous, Sirius becoming more open, not bottling things up as much.

I hope that this review was clear and helped you--let me know if you have any clarification questions or further questions, and I would be happy to help! :)

Rating's more of a 6.5, but I always round down.

Author's Response: Thank you so much for taking the time to review this in so much detail. I'm very impressed that you've really compiled details/suggestions for me. it's very thoughtful of you.

I agree with some of points you've made here, I'm still quite new to writing (under 6 months) so I have areas that I'm aware that I need to improve on. I think you've picked up on those issues here which is something I'm trying to work on to improve as a writer. So it's a work in progress as I'm always learning.

I wrote this piece as a gift for my friend on her birthday as wolfstar is her favourite ship. So the main purpose was to make her smile so I think it achieved its job! I don't really write the marauders era much and I hadn't done this pairing before this. I enjoyed the challenge but I'm sorry if some aspects didn't work for you but it was something new.

this piece is just fluff really so I'm glad you thought it was cute because that was the main aim. thank you for your kind words. I think the end rating was perhaps a bit disappointing but I guess that gives me plenty room for improvement eh? ;)

 Report Review
If this is your story and you wish to respond to reviews, please login