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Reading Reviews for A Weasley Vacation
  
121 Reviews Found

Review #26, by toomanycurls The Dementor Attack

17th September 2015:
I really enjoyed Louis' POV - the narrative was very well paced, included a nice amount of descriptions, and didn't feel rushed. I was a bit worried that Hugo would find out his cousin also likes Loriette but Louis seems much more at ease talking to Loriette at least. It's hard to tell Loriette's opinion on the two guys but she seemed content to spend time with Louis. I'm quite curious what Loriette was going to say before Hugo interrupted - maybe that she didn't think they should kiss, maybe something else?

Louis' impression of Hugo, being oblivious about relationships - just like his dad, felt a bit forced. Calling a family-like person (who is clearly not seen as family) incest doesn't come across very well. Even if she "feels like family" it's very awkward for them to refer to it as incest, especially if that feeling is just in Hugo's mind (which Louis later says). It's also a bit clunky to have Louis say Hugo has the emotional range of a teaspoon - it's a very specific phrase used in the book's to describe Ron so it doesn't seem natural (linguistically) for Hugo's cousin to use that exact phrase to describe him. It crosses the line between paying homage to JKR and just replicating her phrases.

Molly's dementor experience was interesting. Her sorting doesn't seem like it'd be the most emotionally traumatic moment but you do give enough detail that I can understand why it was upsetting. I was a bit confused that the memory was a mix of first and third person retelling (at least it doesn't follow that Molly would have the details of conversations happening at the tables while she was being sorted). It would flow better to keep the narrativefor the memory first person like the rest of the chapter/section. It was strange that Molly was the only one to feel the dementor - even if she was hte only one attacked, usually a dementor will cause people to feel unpleasant and other magical people should have been able to see it. I didn't get the impression that Molly was entirely alone through the ordeal either.

It was nice to see that Harry and Ginny have a happy relationship but his section felt stunted in terms of length and narrative signifigance. It's nice to see he's going to confront Ron and Hermione about their divorce but without more going on for him there it read like smething that was crammed into the chapter to build up tension for chapters to come.

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Review #27, by alicia and anne Home

17th September 2015:
Wow, a pov of a dog... I don't know if I've ever seen this before haha. Poor dog, left outside in the rain, that's not nice.

I feel sorry for Ron. What's made them want to get a divorce? I don't even know what chapters of this I've read because you don't link me in order, so I have absolutely no idea what's going on or what's happened previously. :S

How does he know that a dog has bruises? How could he see that under the fur? Huh... must be magical.

Poor dog being left in the rain, I want his owner to die.

Oh you're explaining what happened between Ron and Hermione too, although that guy should probably be worrying about the dog.

I don't like the way that Hermione is talking to Ron :( I've feeling quite protective of him. I understand entirely why he's angry, his wife is cheating on him.

I have to ask, because I can't work it out, but who is that man in the picture at the end of the chapter?

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Review #28, by toomanycurls Weasley Partying!

16th September 2015:
I'm kind of at a loss with this chapter. There are some good points to it and some not so good points.

The sneaking into the club was funny and a nice use of the invisibility cloak (but it does seem like an item that would have been useful while evading the police and I'm a bit perplexed as to why James didn't bring it out then). Fred's preoccupation with his butt was funny and made sense - I'm a bit surprised he didn't need more medical attention after losing so much blood. Reparo can restore an item to its origanal state (such as a shattered bowl becoming whole) but it does not restore liquid/contents (like the essense of murtlap not returning to the shattered bowl).

Hugo's struggles being short, young, and not very experienced in the club felt rather authentic. I wasn't sure what you meant by Hugo not knowing how to "pull birds" - if it's a British phrase I'm not aware of it. Do you mean attract birds? I had a laugh at Hugo's intro of "I'm English" because that'd probably be obvious by his accent.

That brings me to the problematic part of the chapter. The whole mistaken sex of a transgender person thing is a rather common trope. I understood Hugo's reaction but I found this line extremely distasteful "Darling come back! Lets go to my place! I have candy!" It paints the transgender person as a sexual predator. A more common reaction (and trans positive) from a transgender person might be "your loss" followed by them going on to dance with someone else. The reaction transgender person makes it out that they're more interested in noncensensual interaction than just having a good time with someone who wants to dance with them. Besides it being a jarring interaction, it felt random with the flow of the rest of the chapter.

I am glad that Hugo ran into (while quite briefly) people he felt safe with. I find it interesting that they all seem to know so much about Snape. I suppose there were books written about the war and his part in it would have been a point of focus but it seemsa bit odd that all of them would recognize Snape (or his look alike) on sight and know all these facts about him.

In Dom's section, I was a bit confused about the chronological order this happened in. Is it meant to by right after Hugo's section or during it? The boy she momentarily mistakes for Teddy is interesting. I do feel bad that her 1/4 Veela ancestory has such a strong bearing on her life. The guy (Daniel, I suppose) seemed a bit harmless and ridiculous until he got really creepy. I do think Dom needs to get a grip and/or go to therapy for her Teddy obsession. Unless it's going to turn into a thriller where she kills him out of unrequited love - that kind of seems to be the kind of affection she has for him.

Everytime Molly shows up in Hugo's section she seems annoying but I didn't expect her to seem annoying from her own perspective too. She and Lily seem like two over-excited, very dramatic girls without much more to them. It was a bit weird for Molly to be self aware of her annoying behavior too. No one wants to be annoying so I would imagine if she thought that about herself, she'd try to not be so annoying. The dementors were a surprise but it felt very random to happen at a moment's notice. Besides the dementors showing up, not much else of importance seemed to happen in Molly's section. The conversation Lily and Molly have just rehashes information Hugo already gave us and it's a rather short part of the overall chapter. Maybe if more happened before the dementor attack it wouldn't seem like a sideways section.

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Review #29, by toomanycurls The Wizard Ninja

16th September 2015:
For consistency, if you're going to have multiple POVs, each narrative section (including the start of the chapter) should indicate who is narrating. It's clear after a few lines but it's still clunky to figure out.

I didn't quite get why Rose didn't go with Hugo and James... just too shocked to move? It seemed a bit of a dramatic build up (that could have been easily resolved) with them trying to figure out how to help Fred when Rose would have likely known how to help him out. Hugo's sarcastic/comedic narration doesn't fit well with the seriousness of the situation. He just seems annoyed with the situation rather than worried.

Teddy's section didn't seem to have a purpose other than to break up the action in Hugo's section. Was the duck thing supposed to be a parallel for Dom and Victoire liking Teddy? Victoire's attitude towards Teddy is a bit ponderous. She doesn't seem to appreciate his willingness to bend to her desires and constantly referring to him as a wuss doesn't seem like it was make Teddy feel great about himself. If Teddy's section is at the same time as Hugo's then they definitely seem to be running late for their return to the hotel.

The second part of Hugo's section felt more dramatic but it was a bit heavy on dialogue - some description would have helped convey the drama and made it clearly not the same type of narration Hugo usually gives. I was surprised the police didn't come sooner, assuming the library has some sort of security.

You do need to cite the "or worse expelled line" as it is a direct quote from Philospher's Stone.

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Review #30, by toomanycurls Family Quidditch and The Lovegood's Nargle Dance

14th September 2015:
I really like the opening line about reminiscing but then the narrative kind of lurches because Hugo doesn't reminisce and the story clambers on with their wandering through Amsterdam. I do kind of wander how far off the beaten path they are to be in an area that is so poorly lit they can't get by without the use of wands and the deluminator. Most major cities I've visited keep their downtown lit well enough.

The flashback with Ron giving Hugo the deluminator is nice. It is awkward wording to say he left it to Hugo as that is a phrase one usually hears about items given through a will after the original owner died. This is a little outside the narrative but I noticed a few times that Hugo is described as having brown hair in the story but your banner (which I believe features Hugo) shows a red haired boy.

I guess Rose smacking people is her thing but it feels a bit overplayed in this chapter. She seems like she has a short fuse and no sense of humor but there isn't much more to her than hitting people.

Their mini quest for wifi was amusing and Fred's splinching was also done nicely for a part comedy, part drama narrative. It's a serious situation because of what happened but Hugo's recounting of it does provide a nice dry humor.

I've forgotten how old Dom is - I believe you have her as under 14 which would put Teddy and Victoire 8-10 years older than her (my math might be wrong but Teddy is 6 years older than James, 7-8 years older than Albus. Albus and James are older teens in this story and the narrative has painted Dom as a younger teen than the James and Albus). It really doesn't seem realistic for her to seriously believe Teddy would be interested in her (if he were, it would be against the site rules). I even find myself identifying with Victoire not seeing Teddy as a boy (I mean, she's known him her entire life) and slowly growing into her feelings for him. I guess there isn't much about Dom's complaining that pulls on my sympathies - she just comes off as selfish, short-sighted, and immature.

In the getting in the club bit, it does seem like Dom is 16 or so, which displaces James and Albus' ages that are stated in the story. Earlier Dom says she was 8 in the Epilogue (so Albus was 11). Albus is not yet 17 so Dom could only be 14. I know she's lying when she says she's 18 but other things in the narrative make Dom sound much older than 12 (with the "I've been dealing with guys like that since I was 12" comment, making it sound like something she's adjusted to over many years). I know there's more going on than Dom's age but it's kind of distracting to have the characters' ages float about.

The ending for Dom's section had a nice buzz of humor to it though overall I didn't get a clear sense of action in her narrative.

The quidditch and following fight scene were my favorite in this chapter. I liked the action and quips that were going on and that all the adults were playing. I do think it'd help to explain where they're playing quidditch as a crowded downtown area doesn't seem likely to have a quidditch pitch handy for them. Ron and Hermione's fighting didn't seem to faze anyone there so I'm not sure why them talking about a divorce would either. At least I would encourage someone who had such a rocky relationship to fix or leave what they had. Their arguments do seem a bit immature for their age and time elapsed as a married couple but I suppose they could have regressed into a more immature style fighting after a point.

About the narrative changes, I am not a fan of first person narratives that switch narrators mid-chapter. I do appreciate that you clearly delineated who was narrating and gave each person a sizable chunk of the chapter. I think the splinching cliffhanger was the only one that hit me as a real cliffhanger - the other two didn't have the same dramatic "what is about to happen" feel. I mean, finding out about a divorce is important and will play out through the story and discovering Snape still alive is important but neither have an immediate consequence which I think of as necessary for the cliffhanger feel.

Author's Response: Hey, thanks for the review!

I agree that Hugo didn't really reminisce but I don't really think that's a problem. You can put 2 and 2 together really, 24 hours ago he probably was at home, doing nothing of maybe playing quidditch with some friends. I wanted to get the feel of them excitedly roaming the streets of Amsterdam quickly, instead of wandering into what he did 24 hours ago too much -- its not really important or interesting anyway.

About the street being poorly lit, I agree that it's unusual for a big city, and that's why you can assume the power went out for some reason that day -- a technical malfunction.

I'm not a native speaker, I had no clue it was awkward wording the way I wrote that Ron left his Deluminator to Hugo, sorry. How should I have written it? The banner is my mistake as well, I made it myself ghehe and I couldn't find a dark haired Hugo to use that fit.

I don't understand what you're on about regarding Rose -- up until this point, she only hit someone twice? There's a lot more to her than "just hitting people". Remember, this is only ch4.

Dom is 16, its literally said in the chapter. I'm not completely informed on their canon age differences, but in this story Dom, Al, Rose,James are all 16. Al only just became 16 though and James becomes 17 in a few days. Harry couldn't keep it in his pants :D

Whether its realistic or not if Teddy would like Dom is not really the point. She just has a huge crush on him and is slightly blinded by it. Of course she thinks Teddy belongs with her, because she's in love with him! She's not gonna properly weigh off all the logistics. It's too bad you don't feel any sympathy for her, but everyone is different so its understandable. Maybe if you were 16 again, you'd understand her better :p I hope the ages don't distract you too much. I'd advice you to not think about it too much -- I didn't write in anything TOO crazy..

It IS explained where they're playing haha! You read over it. They were playing on a miniature quidditch field and used a shrink spell on themselves.

I'm flabbergasted by your point regarding that you don't understand why Harry is upset by them getting a divorce. Fighting is one thing, wanting a divorce, after years upon years of marriage, is something else entirely. It was very sudden as well. Wouldn't you be 'fazed' if your best friend who was married for years suddenly would want a divorce?

Ron and Hermione have always had immature arguments in their fights, that's just who they are. But their actual arguments for divorcing weren't really revealed here, those'll be revealed later.

I also disagree with you on the cliffhangers not having an immediate effect on the narrative. Harry now knows his best friends are going to get divorced -- knowing Harry, you think he'd wait a week before bringing it up during coffee? No, he's going to take INMEDIATE action. Also, the Snape thing. You think any of the kids will just let it slide that they just saw a living person who should have died decades ago? No, they're going to take INMEDIATE action. Its too bad they didn't feel as adequate cliffhangers to you though, that was what I was going for.

Thanks for the review! You always point out things no one else has mentioned, very helpful and entertaining! And they're incredibly detailed as well!

Alec


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Review #31, by alicia and anne 

10th September 2015:
I would hate to have a headache like that! Or to be manhandled like that.

I must say this is quite a vacation! So much action happening in it. I think they'll need another vacation to recover from this one.

Oh! I'm so glad that it was only a spell and that they weren't hurt. That was horrible what happened to them! I wanted to save them so badly.

Oh no! I hope that Harry and that manage to defeat Lestrange. He's so mean!

GO TEDDY SAVING THE DAY!

No he's exploded, this isn't good.

That is quite a fight! And Poor Teddy being hit by the spell. I want Lestrange to die

And... is Ron turning into a woman because he's angry? And Bellatrix is Teddy, but there's another Teddy?

I have no idea what's going on haha

WHat? Why is Rita Skeeter saving them? haha.

Ron and Hermione are getting divorced? That's not good!

McGonagall really loves to use that spell doesn't she? Haha

I hope that they can protect the whole of Amsterdam and manage to get everyone to safety!

I really hope that they do!

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Review #32, by ScorpiusRose17 

9th September 2015:
Hi Alec!

I am finally here with your review and I am so sorry that it has taken this long. I went on vacation and forgot to message you! My apologies!!

I really liked this chapter. It was really long, but chalked full of information, action and angst! I will admit, I was freaking out when I began to read thinking that he was seriously hurting Lily. I was angry and wanted nothing more than to go through the screen after him.

I thought you brought out Lestrange's character well. You really made me hate him that's for sure!
I liked the fire in Rose... her anger was very well placed.

I liked how Teddy was tricky. I thought you played into his character really well also. I was terrified when he was fighting and punching Lestrange. I was worried he was going to die, but then again I was more worried about Harry too. Only because he is Harry Potter. That trick with Teddy turning into Bellatrix was a great touch by the way.

I am eager, anxious and excited for the next chapter! Please let me know when it is out so I can read it!

Also, I only noticed some minor spelling issues. Things like alot should be a lot or atleast should be at least, but none of these took away from the overall chapter.

Keep up the great work!

-Jenn

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Review #33, by alicia and anne The Wizard Ninja

30th August 2015:
Wow, that is quite an opening to this chapter haha I wasn't expecting that at all!

There is a lot of ninja moves going on in this chapter, although I'm feeling so sorry for Fred right now, that must be a really traumatic thing to happen. That boys needs the hospital wing and fast!

THey have groups? I have no idea what for haha

Poor Freddie isn't going to be healed with all of the yelling that's going on between the two cousins and it won't be long before a ghost will be in his place... although does that mean his detatched organs would have ghost counter parts?.

That must be one almighty slap if it echoed for 5 seconds... ouch! Poor Fred!

That's a lot of effort for Wifi hahaha Poor Fred. I can't help but feel sorry for the poor chap

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Review #34, by Frankie05 The Wizard Ninja

25th August 2015:
Hey Alec,

This chapter was actually pretty sad to me. I know it was probably supposed to be funny Fred losing his bum. But all I could imagine was the horror of what was happening to him and it terrified me. James was quick thinking as was Hugo. But I didn't find it funny. Sorry :(

Are Teddy and Vic not going to make it? Teddy is way too much a pushover. And Vic is not happy. And I can feel the tension rolling off of them.

And they figure it out! Yay! Fred fixed his butt and got them out of there. Good. And they went to the club! Hugo passed out? That's unfortunate. Gah.

A few things : Victorie and me should be Victorie and I were sitting...

And the or worse expelled and the she needs to sort out her priorities part seems a bit forced and not even crucial to the story :/ I get what you were doing with the PS cameo but I thought it was too forced here.

Other than that, this seems interesting. Great job :)
Frankie

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Review #35, by Frankie05 Family Quidditch and The Lovegood's Nargle Dance

24th August 2015:
Hey Alec,

I'm sorry it took so long for me to get around to doing this. I must say, it's very clever of you. I really enjoy how versatile the story is, having a of the Wotter clan together plus some family friends. I like how you have characterized each of the members of the family. Are you trying to stick to canon? If so, why is Snape still alive?

I found it extremely sweet that Ron told Hugo he was like him when he gave him the deluminator. I'd be mad too if my little sibling got something so magnificent from my parents and I didn't. I hope you expand on that.

And then Dom was cute. Also sly. Using her Veela to get into the club. I bet her and Malfoy hook up in this story- it's just my guess :).

And I liked the story of the adults and the way they interacted during the Quidditch match. Harry is so funny and so courageous when he flies I love watching it. And I'm a bit sad about Hermione and Ron. That's unfortunate that they are splitting up.

I like that you are writing about your home country. I find it very appealing :) keep up the good work.

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Review #36, by Penelope Inkwell The City of Nargles

22nd August 2015:
I have to say, I understand everyone's concern about the airplanes. Lots of people are concerned enough about them as is. If you had no idea how they stayed up and were used to everything running off magic, it would probably be a much more terrifying prospect.

Aww, Teddy is so sweet. And, yeah, kind of a pushover. But to be fair, I think a lot of people would have offered Molly whatever she wanted. Having a crying kid on your plane is the worst. I'm sure there were plenty of fellow passengers who would have been lining up to offer the same.

I'm trying to even imagine the size of the Weasley family clock at present. What is it, like, Big Ben now? I can't imagine that thing being portable. I guess it's lucky Molly's a witch. Something tells me she's breaking that "no magic" rule.

Oh my gosh, the Weasleys playing charades! That's exactly how it would go down, too, with them pretending not to understand in order to drive whoever is acting completely insane.

Al's ramblings on how to get a hold of some Dutch AA batteries for his collection.
--it's the little things. This detail made me smile. Batteries. Albus is definitely his grandfather's grandson.


CC:

atleast
--should be "at least"

my mums brown hair.
--mums should be "mum's"

I could be wrong, but 10 years old seems a little old to me, to have a crush on your cousin. That's like 5th grade. Typically by that age you know that cousins are romantically off limits, and whether or not you know about the birds and the bees at age 10, you often have some kind of grasp on the idea of inbreeding. At least, that's true of the 10 year-olds I've known. They'd still get obsessed with an older cousin, though, if they thought he or she was really cool. 6 year olds and under would be more likely to have that sort of crush.

I thought I would take after my dad's length.
--height?

"No." Nana said without even giving it a good taught.
This should have a comma instead of a period after "No", and taught = thought. I'd also suggest deleting the word "good", as it's not really necessary. So:
"No," Nana said without even giving it a thought.



I think your premise--a family vacation for all the Weasleys (and friends), where they aren't supposed to use magic--is a really good one. You carry it off with humor, and so far Hugo is an enjoyable protagonist/narrator. I'd suggest going through and trying to clean up a bit of the grammar and mechanics, to make it a bit more easily readable so that it won't distract from the jokes. But, on the whole, I think you're off to a nice start. Good job!

--Penny (review swap 3/3)

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Review #37, by Penelope Inkwell On Their Way

22nd August 2015:
Oh man, no magic, either? That'll be an adventure.

Aw, I don't think they're giving the Netherlands a fair chance. I've heard it's lovely. Granted, I've only ever been there on a layover, so I've only seen the Amsterdam airport. Actually, that was a horrible experience, not that I think of it.

Godspeed, Weasleys.

I am actually legitimately terrified for them to be without magic. Not the kids so much--they're used to it. But the adults? It's like losing a limb. They've probably forgotten how to do tons of things without magic. That should definitely lead to some amusing possibilities.

You continue to have a good, humorous tone that seems very well-suited to the spirit of the fic, and you've drawn the crazy mass of Weasleys well. I shudder to think what will become of them.

Or what will become of Amsterdam.


CC:

Overall it's mostly just general grammar stuff that could use a bit of cleaning up. Commas, capitalization, that sort of thing.

Here are a few specific things I noticed:

"aunt Ginny, nana Molly, granddad."
--All these titles should be capitalized. The only time Grandad wouldn't be capitalized is if you were saying "my grandad" or "Lucy's grandad", but whenever it is being used to refer to a specific person in place of their name, it's capitalized.

"I-I forgot my diary on the airport!"
-- "at the airport" or "in the airport"


--Penny (review swap, 2/3)

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Review #38, by Penelope Inkwell Meet the Weasley's!

21st August 2015:
Hey there! Penny here for our review swap (1/3)

That was a good beginning. You start off with some solid humor, which is always an excellent way to get the ball rolling.

Overall, you've given Hugo a very engaging voice. The whole lot of them are funny.

You've really created a nice tone.

I particularly enjoyed Hugo's assumptions about the Malfoys based on their names (I mean, let's face it: Lucius? Draco? Scorpius? They do sound perfectly ridiculous), and James' reference to Charlie's permanent disappearing act.

Arthur totally would try to get everyone to go on a Muggle-style vacation. And oh, man, there are way too many of them. This is going to be insane. But I have no doubt it will be amusing. With these crazies? No way you could have a boring vacation.

And now I'm really curious to find out--where is he taking them?



CC:

"I can't ," I responded grimly, "Then there'll be no one left to kill me."
--This was a really funny line. But, mechanically/grammatically, it's not set up quite right. Since the second sentence in quotes is an entirely new one, It ought to be:
"I can't," I responded grimly. "Then there'll be no one left to kill me."

It was a, for England, very uncharacteristically rainy day at The Burrow.
--This doesn't quite make sense, since England is famous for being extremely rainy.

Weasley's
--The plural of Weasleys wouldn't have an apostrophe.

"Don't get me wrong, I guess you could say I do love my family," she commented, "But lets face it, we're basically some idiots with wands..."
--This should be: "Don't get me wrong. I guess you could say I do love my family," she commented. "But lets face it, we're basically some idiots with wands..."

Grandads weird obsession
--Grandads = Grandad's

and just hearing there names
--there = their

The Scamanders also tagged along, including Luna and Rolf, the twins Lorcan and Lysander and Loriette.
--This needs something to break up the siblings, either another comma or a hyohen. Without it, it seems like you are saying that the twins are Lorcan, Lysander, and Loriette, which, of course, doesn't make sense. So I'd suggest having it be:
The Scamanders also tagged along, including Luna and Rolf, the twins--Lorcan and Lysander--and Loriette.

forth year
--forth = fourth

There was just too much stupidity combined with an awful much of power
--an awful lot of power, maybe? You can't really have an awful much of something.

Me over thinking the whole situation must've made me snap out from the real world, wich I tend to do.
--overthinking is one word. And wich = which.

"Well at least the weather is going to be better," Rose said. Dom and I looked at her shocked.
--This is missing a couple of commas. i.e. "Well, at least the weather is going to be better," Rose said. Dom and I looked at her, shocked."

"O shut up!"
--"Oh, shut up!"

infact
-- infact = in fact

"I'll go with Oceania," I said quickly, since all reasonable ones had already been picked.
--Why is Oceania more reasonable than Europe? It's a lot farther from England.

alot
--alot = a lot



--Penny

Author's Response: Hey Penny!

Wow, you were quick with your reviews! I left one yesterday (but I guess in my time zone it still counts as today) and then went to sleep. My next two ones I'll get on immediately, while having some breakfast :)

I don't think I've ever gotten so much CC -- which isn't a bad thing by any means, in fact its absolutely wonderful! If you aren't, you should consider becoming a beta reader! You managed to pick out a lot in just barely 1500 words. I glance over these mistakes every single time I reread haha. But I'm not a native speaker & aren't remarkably good at English so yeah, maybe that's why.

2 things about the cc I'd like to comment on though: You said it didn't make sense that I wrote: "It was a, for England, very uncharacteristically rainy day at The Burrow."
But you have to remember, this story is written through the eyes of Hugo, and he's a sarcastic little one. It was meant to be sarcastic :)
Also: "I'll go with Oceania," I said quickly, since all reasonable ones had already been picked."
You didn't understand why Oceania was more reasonable.
The reason for that was implied earlier in the chapter; Basically Mr. And Ms. Weasley are LOADED. And as we all know, Mr.Weasley is rather extravagant. He'd rather choose a crazy destination in Oceania, than a destination in Europe since Europe is alot more similar to home!

Oh, and I wanna apologize in advance: You're gonna see a lot of "alot". Its a bad habit of mine. I use "alot" so much its been adjusted in my phone and it doesn't even classify it as being "wrong" anymore :p
And I write all my chapters on my phone, so yeah... Go figure

Thanks for the swap! Glad you liked it! :D

Alec


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Review #39, by Unicorn_Charm On Their Way

21st August 2015:
Hey Alec! Back again!

This chapter was funny! The big reveal, I laughed out loud at James' response to what exactly was in Amsterdam. I can't believe how upset everyone was. I felt bad for Arthur, too! And poor Molly, hearing that language coming from her grandchildren. No wonder she smacked Dom upside her head!

I can only imagine a bus driver's face upon seeing all of those people, most of them obviously related, getting onto his bus. That would be kind of crazy.

I feel James here. I don't like flying. And my first time ever flying, I felt like I was going to vomit once I got to the airport and then again watching the planes landing and taking off while sitting waiting for my flight. Definitely not a fan.

That's great that the no magic rule was probably already broken. I can't imagine no one using magic the entire time. I mean, most of them are purebloods, or half-bloods, who have never been around Muggle stuff. How does Arthur expect them to not use magic? Silly optimistic Arthur haha.

Yikes, so James and Fred intend on taking advantage of the local customs, huh? That should be highly amusing. :p

This was a really good chapter! I enjoyed it quite a bit and I can't wait to see what happens when they finally get to their destination. I'll be back again soon!

xoxo Meg

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Review #40, by Unicorn_Charm Meet the Weasley's!

20th August 2015:
Hey Alec! So I've finally made it here!

So the premise of this story promises a lot of mishaps and all around trouble to be had. You really can't expect anything else with a group of Wizards and Witches this large traveling the Muggle way haha. I can't wait to see what kind of problems arise and how many sticky situations they get themselves into. :)

Hugo seems alright. He reminds me a little bit of his father - maybe a tad more whiny though. Like your average angsty teen. Dom I can already tell is a drama queen. And Rose seems a little hard. Like doesn't exactly have that Weasley sense of humor. I think it's interesting that you've grouped Dom, Rose and Hugo together. I haven't seen that much. Normally Hugo is close with Lily, or other Weasley cousins, so that was something unique. :) I sense a Fred and George parallel with James and Fred. :p And as far as Luna's kids, did you mean the twins and an extra sibling or triplets, but mistakingly called them twins? I was a little unclear there.

There were a few typos peppered around the first chapter that might disrupt the flow a little bit. For example: wich should be which. And there were a few others as well. I would suggest maybe having a quick read through and editing, or getting a beta on the forums. It might not seem like much, but you don't want someone to not give the story a chance because of a few misspellings or grammatical mistakes. It happens, and this is such a fun plot that it would be a shame to miss out on readers because of that. :)

Overall I thought this was a good introduction. You've introduced the MC and some of the supporting characters in a way which shows their personalities quite well l, without being overbearing. We have a general idea of the plot, there was some humor and then the cliffhanger that makes you read on!

I hope you don't think I'm being harsh with the CC, I just don't want people to stop at the first chapter and not give it a chance. It seems like it's going to be a fun story and it's something I know from the forums that you've worked hard on and are proud of.

I enjoyed this though, and I'll be back to R&R the rest for you, too!

xoxo Meg

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Review #41, by toomanycurls The City of Nargles

10th August 2015:
Hello!!

Your reviewing spree reminded me to come back and keep up on your story. In this chapter some of your characterizations were a bit weak with the teenaged girls all seeming to have the same personalities (especially in the beginning with the diary stuff). Lucy's fit about forgetting her diary was kind of odd in the last chapter but having the almost same thing happen with Molly's diary on the plane was a bit repetitive. I get feeling hurt because Teddy was able to retrieve one diary but not the other but I'd expect some of the adults to tell her to get over it and stop crying on the plane (especially as an older teenager).

I'm not sure that Schiphol would be difficult for someone to pronounce. At least Schi and ski make the same sounds in English.

It made sense for Molly to want to bring her clock - you have her still quite protective of the family which I could see (though it makes me a bit sad she hasn't gotten past the trauma of the second wizarding war better). So, I get what you mean by Rox being fond of Hugo but having an actual crush on him is a bit against the site rules. While I don't think you mean for her to have romantic feelings, just that he's her favorite cousin (?) - it really should be toned down into her favoring him rather than having a crush on him. It's a subtle difference betweent he two ideas but one negates any romantic overatures.

After reading Hugo's thoughts on everyone he could possibly be paired with for sharing a room, he doesn't seem to like anyone in his family very much. Overall he makes for a rather negative narrator. I suppose his commentary could be taken for humor but it strikes me as rather sarcastic and negative.

I liked seeing everyone together for the meal but the adults seem kind of stuck like they were at the end of the HP series. Ron hasn't learned table manners and Hermione hasn't really accepted or learned to ignore that annoying habit (in relationships people either get over or get the other person to stop whatever it is that irks them. for them to be married for so long and her to be easily annoyed by that still makes me feel that they really haven't done much growth as a pair).

This is more of a continuity thing but Hugo leaves the table with Dom et al where Harry and Ron are in a deep discussion and make their way to the living room where Harry and others are playing charades. Unless they detoured somewhere for a while, it doesn't flow well for Harry to be in both places immersed in two quite different activities.

It is nice to see them try to wheedle their way into a few hours on their own in the new country. I'm not sure why Molly is so reluctant to let them leave (or why it isn't up to their parents to decide). Teddy is about 24 here so I think he's certainly old enough to be responsible for the kids.

There were a few grammar things that popped out while reading this.

Ofcourse is two words.
There are a few instances where you have 's instead of s to make a word plural.

I felt as if this chapter and the previous one could be a combined chapter. At the end of this chapter I feel as if something interesting is about to happen (or I hope so wtih a group that large venturing out into a foriegn country).

-Rose

Author's Response: Thanks for the detailed review! I like how you often bring up things in your review no one else has ever mentioned!

I don't really understand what was odd about Lucy losing her diary? She's 12 years old and slightly spoiled, just like her sister Molly. And Molly losing her diary as well was actually important for underlying things that bloom further in the story. I'm sorry it felt repetive to you -- I promise no one will ever lose his/her diary in this story again!

As a Dutch guy, I've found that foreign people nearly always have trouble pronouncing Schiphol properly. You see, the correct way to pronounce it is actually in a way you're probably not familiar with, 'Sgiphol' but the 'g' is made in the back of your mouth. Sorry, its difficult to explain. Its a Dutch thing. Words like 'Schaar'(Scissor) or 'Schuilen'(Hiding) are pronounced the same way.

I don't see how Roxie having a crush on Hugo is against the rules? Its not a serious romantical crush, obviously. She's barely 10. She doesn't even fully understand what 'a relationship is and the feelings are anything but mutual.

About Hugo's commentary: He does like his family, its just that he's really a sarcastic jerk. He likes to complain about his family, but really he's very similar. You'll find later in the story (as soon as chapter 5, I believe) that he cares deeply for all of them.

Besides this, I think his sarcasm is mostly a 'hate it or love it' kind of thing. You'll discover quite soon that this story is written through several Pov's so maybe you'll like the other characters better ?

The family members are the same as in the end of HP 7 because that's just their personality. Do you really think there would ever come a day were Ron eats all properly and behavedly? That just wouldn't be Ron, imo. Besides, things like that is why many people (including me) love him. Changing these characters like you imply I could have done would result in a lot of people finding them ooc, I reckon. And it would just be less fun if they didn't have the strong personalities we like em for :p

As you'll find if you read on, you deem Teddy responsible enough to care for these kids, but you haven't met my Wotters properly yet if you think that ;p You have no idea what kind of trouble they easily get themselves into.

And finally: The charades/table scene. You got me there, the transition should've been more smoothly. No space left to explain :/ But thanks for the review! Love the criticism!:D


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Review #42, by Gabriella Hunter The Wizard Ninja

9th August 2015:
Hello!

This is Gabbie from the forums dropping by with your review and I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long. I was really busy these past few days and then I wasn't able to have the time to sit down and review anything. D':

I don't like being an adult.

Anyway, so this chapter was perhaps the most hilarious thing that I've ever read. I literally burst out laughing from the first few paragraphs and I'm not sure if it was supposed to be that funny but I was rolling. I didn't think that you would go in this direction, actually, I thought taht Fred might have lost an ear or something (You know, for contrast with his dad and all that) but his butt? Both of his cheeks?! I couldn't even conentrate, I was laughing so hard but things quickly grew more serious as I realized that the kids were in a serious jam. Now, I loved how you balanced humor, horror and even a bit of gore into this chapter. It didn't seem forced and there was a nice flow between the fear, anxiety, laughter and panic. As usual, Hugo gives the best reactions in the world and I actually liked seeing him broken down here a little. He seemed far more human to me and I just felt so sorry for him because I figured that it was just his rotten luck to have this happen. i especially loved his bickering with James too about what was going to happen to Fred (Also, carrying around Fred's butt cheeks is going to stay in my mind for a while). I was actually a little scared for a moment...

And then we cut to Teddy and Victoire. I wonder when she'll tell him about her failed relationship with Dom? I feel like that might come up at some point whether she wants it to or not but I'm seriously wondering what might go wrong in between then and now. Teddy seems like a real softie though, I mean...like, no backbone at all. Hahahaha. I can understand a bit why they love one another but I'd like to see more from them at some point.

But thank GOD the boys were able to help Fred! I think that he's going to be a bit sore for a while but I am relieved that he's okay. But come on, Rose! She seriously wants to go clubbing after all this?! What's gotten into her? Bah, I guess I'll have to wait until the next chapter.

Thanks for the read!

Much love,

Gabbie

Author's Response: Hiya! Gabs!

I also think this chapter is one of my more humorous ones. Its absolutely brilliant to get the feedback other people actually found it humorous as well!

Funny how you mention Fred losing his ear. I think it just illustrates what kind of story this is: if it was, perhaps a drama/angsty kind of story, that could have happened. This is more of a humorous story though, that gets more darker and thriller-y over time (just like the original HP books actually)

You'll definitely get to see more about the very unfortunate Dom/Teddy/Victoire love triangle! So glad you still like the story so far ^^

Alec


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Review #43, by AnnaRegina Weasley Partying!

8th August 2015:
Oooh, interesting cliffhanger, what would Dementors be doing in Amsterdam twenty years after the war? It's great that a darker, more adventurous element to the story is never too far around the corner. It compliments all of the harmless banter nicely and you do well with the transition.

Oh my days, the mouths on these teenagers are unbelievable. I thought Hugo and Dom were being heavy on the expletives but Lily and Molly actually used the T and C words; they're like the worst ones (and also the funniest, I often reserve them for people that I particularly dislike). I like the heavy use of taboo lexis though; the shock factor stimulates the comedy and excitement and allows me to hear the characters more clearly.

You have the humour nailed down to a tee; it's one of the strongest points to this story. There was a bit of awkward phrasing and grammatical error here and there (you tend to omit the subject pronoun for the object one a lot like 'it was her who pushed us' instead of 'she was the one who pushed us', I saw a few misplaced apostrophies and quite a few typos among other things) but I don't really feel it's fair to comment on this as you didn't specify, hence all of my reviews sound really positive and I'm struggling to give constructive feedback so sorry about that.

The image of a Snape look-a-like winning a dance off is one of the most bizarre things I've ever pictured. How old was he? What was he wearing? Was he dutch?

Dom is also really growing on me, I feel sorry for her because of Teddy and I love how well she dealt with those muggles. She's definitely one of my favourite characters and I also love how she just storms up to people, pokes them in the ribs and demands to know who they are. To hell with social politeness conventions haha, I love her.

It was a good chapter, enjoyed the multi POV's again; it's a nice way to keep track of everybody and it keeps things interesting. Can't wait to see what happens next.

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Review #44, by Felpata Lupin The Plan

8th August 2015:
Oh my!
Lestrange really did build all his plan in every small detail... It's scary!
And all the poor girls kidnapped...
But I agree with Louis, they will find a way, they will stop him.
Great work on this chapter. I lloved how you structured it, how you showed the different reactions of the characters to what is happening, Hugo's and Rose's thoughts about the prospect of dying and how it completely changes their views and priorities. Well done.

Thank you for the swap,
Chiara

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Review #45, by DaaOne Malfoy's Story

8th August 2015:
Hi Alec,

So I finally caught up with your story (or this chapter at least haha) I honestly tend to leave them pile up before reading the whole thing but it's okay, I caught up with this *pats self on the back*

First things first, grammar.

That said, moving on.

This does explain a lot. I like the break you took from the actual story, it wasn't a filler it had loads of information in it. You had to clear out the kind of things that were holding Ron and Hermione back and you did with a jump into the past for info. I like how you went back to the moment we already read about from Hugo's perspective, and wrote it in Harry's perspective. That's a good thing.

Also, I think I kind of shivered when I read the tall dark silhouette was standing on the front door! Is that Rod ? Or Ron ? Or maybe Ron is away from Amesterdam ? Maybe he will be the grand savior ? Who knows ! You do obviously !!

I like the scene when all the kids are just scared of Rod.. Bad Rod !

This story has potential, and i've been saying that for the last 13 chapters haha !! Hey but I mean it !!

Enjoy your day,

Doe

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Review #46, by AnnaRegina The Wizard Ninja

7th August 2015:
Well of all the things I'd expected to go wrong on this holiday, Fred losing his butt cheeks was not one of them. Usually hearing about anything that comprises a huge amount of blood loss makes me feel very queezy but strangely enough the abundance of humour and hyperbole in this chapter managed to mitigate most of that (picturing Hugo running with one splinched butt cheek under each arm was completely hilarious).

Hugo is such a little stresshead. Granted the situation was hilariously catastrophic but the timing of some of those expletives made me laugh out loud (take for example the moment he falls twice and curses). Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that although the situation in question is extremely gruesome you still succeed in making us see the funny side. Laughs and gore can be very difficult to pull off but you do a great job.

James was also brilliant in this chapter and not only because he took the lead with helping Fred. The 'reparo his butt' line would have been enough but the you-know-what slapping and and the 'she needs to sort out her priorities' made me giggle so much.

The humour combined with all this crazy action makes a very entertaining combination. I like how unpredictable the plot is; any situation would be funny simply due to the characters involved but hopefully there'll still be a lot more crazy scenarios in the future to capitalise on the comedy. My other favourite moments include the police turning up, Hugo fainting from the stress and Rose jumping on them before giving the all-important warning.

Very funny chapter!

Olivia

Author's Response: Thanks! I think this has to be the craziest chapter I've wrote of this story as of now, and I think its the funniest.

I'm so so glad you thought it was funny, writing humor sure is tricky because you can't be sure if people share your humor and if you're humor is even good. Because, with writing humor, the only thing you can really do is write what YOU think is funny and pray others will agree.

So you understand its incredibly reassuring to read others found it funny too! Thanks so much for the review!

Alec


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Review #47, by AnnaRegina Family Quidditch and The Lovegood's Nargle Dance

6th August 2015:
Wow, massive acceleration here, things are getting a lot more interesting. The humour is great but I like how casually you built up the drama towards the end of the chapter. It feels as though we've officially left the introduction now and the plot is beginning to develop. Good work with the transition. I also like the non-linear alternative POV structure.

Firstly Dominique provided us with some great insight into why she's been so cynical and gloomy about this trip. At first I just assumed she was being dramatic so it's nice that you've shown us a more relatable and human dimension to her character. Secondly I loved the Quidditch match from Harry's point of view, you made his voice a lot more laidback than in the books, you can tell that since the war's died down and he's grown up he's become a really happy guy whose completely in love with his wife and family and has time to stress about the little things like Quidditch. I think overall the multi POV works well to give us different perspectives of the characters.

I love all of these new revelations as well; Al has some serious competition for Lorette, Scorpius could have a thing for Dom and Rose likes to have fun! Keep them coming! Funniest bits for me have to include Audrey in the Quidditch game, Fred trying to dissaparate, Loui's theory about Al in the afterlife, Severus Snape (although can I just say HOW?) oooh and discovering that all the oldies shrunk themselves to play quidditch. I also loved George's 'The Boy Who...' Jokes, only a Weasley twin...

I've noticed your writing has also improved a great deal in this chapter, everything flowed really well. There isn't really anything negative to be said. Great chapter; I look forward to reading the next one.

Olivia

Author's Response: Thanks for the review! Very amusing, helpful and detailed! I can't thank you enough!!

You're right again, with this chapter I made sure to officially leave the introduction. One thing I like the most about this story is all the different POV's, I'm glad you liked it as well!

Great review, it means alot to me :)

P.S. I think you meant that Hugo has competition for Loriette, not Al. So many characters sure can get confusing! :D

Alec


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Review #48, by AnnaRegina The City of Nargles

6th August 2015:
You've hit a nice pace now, the story is really growing on me. There were laughs plentiful once again in this chapter. I like how consistent you are with the humour; it doesn't seem forced like a lot of humour that I've read and it also makes me like the characters a lot.

The funniest parts for me were the lift breaking, Molly on the plane and the reference to Louis farting. It was also funny to watch Hugo get more and more grumpy about his family. You have to wonder when his tolerance level is finally going to give way and his moaning about all of his cousins and why he didn't want to share a room with them was priceless.

Your characterisation continues to be ace. Everybody's growing on me as I learn a bit more about them. James and Fred are crafty and rebellious, Molly is very OTT and self-centred, Rose I discover is a social media addict and Teddy is a total sweetheart. I love them all so far. I also like how Hugo complains about his cousins one minute but then proves he's just as bad the next when he's demanding a team Hugo. It's your typical moody teenager who hasn't grown out of their hypocrisy stage yet; I always used to be like that.

Everything is consistently good and interesting so there's nothing much else I'll be commenting on at the moment. You end your chapters on good points so I always want to read more.

Great work!

OLivia

Author's Response: Hey!

I also really like this chapter alot. You seem to have got it completely, except for that I wouldn't go as far as calling Rose a social media addict.

Thanks for all the very helpful feedback :) its good to know I did well with this chapter

Alec


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Review #49, by AnnaRegina On Their Way

6th August 2015:
Hello, me again with review number two.

I loved this chapter; your pacing of events is slow but effective and you do a great job of conveying all the chaos that travelling in such a large group entails. The quality of the entertainment is evidently and principally in your characters and I like that they all have something humorous to contribute.

There were a lot of moments that made me laugh; James and Fred typically talking about weed, Lily and Molly losing their diaries, Teddy having to break the rules regarding magic straight away, Molly lobbing everybody upside the head, Lorette harping on about nargles and Hugo being his brilliantly grumpy self. Your linking of the term 'crazy you-know-what' to Aristotle made me laugh the most.

As far as known canon characters go you seemed to get the gist of them. I liked how Fleur's two cents were in French as well. It was interesting to find that James is not so brave after all, but I think I like him better that way.

Amsterdam is an interesting choice - and can I just say, Rose's reaction was completely brilliant - and I'd like to know why you chose it. I suspect Ginny and Angelina could have a difficult time keeping their sons in check but if the former is as afraid of his mother as he is of flying then who knows, and we all know Angelina can make Ginny seem softer than a pygmy puff so if I were Fred I wouldn't like to get on her bad side.

This was a great second chapter!

Olivia

Author's Response: Hey there!

James' braveness is a complicated case, I'd say he's definitely brave but he, humorously enough, kinda resembles Hermione in that aspect.
Its not necessarily that he's super brave, its how badly he values it. But you'll learn more about that stuff in future chapters!

You'll also learn why they chose Amsterdam as their destination! I'm hoping you'll be happily surprised! Ghehehehehehe

Alec


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Review #50, by AnnaRegina Meet the Weasley's!

6th August 2015:
As far as concept goes, this is brilliant! I personally love family-centred stories and you've got so many lovable characters here that bringing them all together and throwing them into foreign territory opens a gateway for so much potential; anything could happen which is very exciting and promising for me as a reader. These are only my initial thoughts because obviously I'm just one chapter in but I look forward to seeing how the plot will develop in the future.

Considering there are a LOT of characters in this chapter I'd say you've done a good job of introducing everybody and giving them distinguishing traits, My only advice would be to avoid falling into the trap of focusing on all of them at once; don't be afraid to take your time with letting us get to know them. You have a whole story to do that. I like Hugo's voice, he seems like your average teenager, sarcastic, pessimistic, bashful around the opposite sex etc. Funnily enough he reminded me of Ron in this line "I can't ," I responded grimly, "Then there'll be no one left to kill me." He has the same cynical sense of humour that I love so much about his dad. I also like that Rose is supposed to be the uptight one, and James is exactly how I've always expected him to be, a bit of a bad influence like his grandfather, getting people to make bets and wearing his status as a Gryffindor like a badge with pride. I also had to laugh at how dramatic and stressy (I use the latter for the lack of a better word) Dom is. There's always a 'stressy' female in the family that you don't want to get on the wrong side of and a part veela-werewolf would definitely fit the bill. I love how expressive she is, the 'uggh' in particularly made me laugh out loud. Very nicely phonetic.

The only area that I can really critique is your grammar and some of your phrasing. There were quite a lot of mistakes that at times distracted me from the story. I'm not going to list them all because you didn't specify it in your review but if you wanted me to send you the corrections over pm I wouldn't mind. Or perhaps you could get a beta to sort them out for you.

You've started off at a nice steady pace; when you're introducing this many characters there's not really much room for other events anyway. I like the little cliffhanger at the end as well. I'm guessing they'll end up in Europe somewhere; Ireland perhaps? Wherever they go I'm sure they're going to have lots to moan about haha but I shall enjoy reading about it. I've always wanted a big family like that and it kind of narks me that they've not realised yet how lucky they are. I hope this is one of those cheesy stories where at the end they all catch onto how important family is. Either way I look forward to reading more.

So far great effort!

Olivia

Author's Response: Wow thank you! I only asked you to review chapter 10 but you reviewed the first 5 chapters instead! Super nice and awesome of you!!! :D

Sorry about the grammar :( I'm looking for a beta but the search is not going too well sadly.
This story is full of suprise, regarding your speculations on how it will turn out, so its incredibly amusing to read about them! Funny how you expected Ireland, never even considered that one! ;)

Thanks for the reviews!

Alec


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