Review for Sunshine #1
Before I start, I am very detailed. I tend to write a book as a review.
Marissa looks like an interesting character going off the gif. I like the thing that you mention about meeting her friends. Itís an interesting idea. I want to mention if that idea, or that scene is so pivotal as to the friendship, you may want to consider actually drafting and illustrating that scene. Sometimes an idea, a plot bunny, comes in a few sentences. Maybe you don't want to pack it in those two sentences. That would have given strength to the bond or the friendship.
Also, and I tell people this all the time, OCs are strong not because they are unique and every small thing is special to them; they are special because they fit into the world the JKR created. They fit in seamlessly. Itís not jamming a circle into aa square, and thatís very easy to do. Think, okay, how and why did Mr. Newt Scamander fit into ďFantastic Beasts and Where To Find ThemĒ? Because Rowling worked with the Legos she already had to build a structure.
ďHere in comes the day diverges from the plan.Ē
Oh, syntax. This sentence makes no sense, and maybe I need to reread. Be careful about word choice. I can tell your first language isn't English, and thatís okay. Hey, I can beta for you if needed. Often when a reader reads, they don't want to do too much work to wrap their head around what youíre saying. I have that flaw, too, which is why I suggest you get a second pair to read for you. Read, when you proofread, dear, read out loud as you would poetry to hear and see with senses.
Your scenes are interesting. Thatís why I am saying, you need to take the time to build and illustrate! Do, please do, because you have good bones. Take what you have. Structure it and build your world around that. The thing with Dean? Don't just drop a HP name, insert it. Slow. Don't tell. Donít just say this happened, this happened, and this happened. Itís in your head. You have a reason as to why thatís on paper - show your audience. When you write, okay? Imagine you are sitting down and telling a kid a story. Paint that.
Be Tolkien. Tolkien never would have created the Hobbit If he didn't sit down and tell his kids bedtime stories. He was an Oxford linguist. He created language, culture, and life. Why? Because he struck a match.
You also switch between present and past tense. Careful.
The new student goes to Hogwarts has been written a hundred thousand times. YOU have to make that special with flowing, intricate details to make that stick. I am not saying I don't like this because I do. Iím dropping advice. Legally, a headmistress, who would be ďProfessorĒ not ďMissĒ, would know she would have to speak to an eleven year oldís parents. Thereís more I can do to elaborate on that as to why, but thereís a reason.
Make Marissa shine. You have good bones. Use them. Again, I can help you.
Hope this helps. I know I am detailed.
Author's Response: Thank you, thank you so much for doing this for me. Your thoughts for this piece is really on point, and I think your advice is helpful.
Your thoughts on OCs are very introspective and now that I think about it, fitting into the world that JKR made is what would make OCs interesting. But for this story to work out, I think, Marissa has to stand out. To a certain degree, she will fit in, but I intend for the differences between Marissa and the Wizarding World to be her... fall, let's say.
Thank you for pointing out that detail; its true that reading something over and over again makes you blind to your mistakes, which is why it's important to change things up a little. Yes, English is not my first language, but I have been practicing it for a very long time. Of course, mistakes will happen.
Show don't tell and tenses are my bane. I will have to find someone to help me, or look it up online. But may I also say that show don't tell shouldn't be used sparingly but... there is a point where one should stop. Personally, I think show don't tell should be used to bring attention to something important, not things unimportant. There are certain details in her that are preferable to just be told, or the chapter would become long winded, and the point of it would be lost.
New student goes to Hogwarts is the first cliche in the book, but I have some ideas that could subvert it. I don't know if you noticed, but despite being third P.O.V, it still very much stays in Marissa's thoughts. It's why she calls her Miss Chang. It's all Marissa is used to. I can see why you'd think it isn't because I make the mistake of switching into omniscient third P.O.V.