Report a Review

This service is designed to allow HPFF users to alert the staff about inappropriate reviews.

Review:Dirigible_Plums says:

It's Plums here with your requested review :)

You said that you were concerned about the structure of the one shot. I'll admit that it's different, but you've made it work really well. It doesn't feel awkward and the change in times isn't abrupt. You managed to make it flow well.

I saw that it's an entry for the Short and Sweet Challenge. The plot's really cute so you've done well there and I wish you good luck with the challenge! It's a rather bittersweet idea. Two Potter men separated by death and time, each celebrating their first child's birthday. One is terrified for his life, the other mostly at peace. The parallel is an interesting one.

A couple of concrits: James' letter to Harry is great and conveys the tone of a young father well. However, I feel like the word "alas" is out of place. Somehow I just don't imagine James saying that because it seems so mature and Dumbledore-esque, especially compared to casual language like "kid". In addition to this, I feel like the POV switch in the last paragraph takes something away from this. I saw the one shot as a comparison between James and Harry, one that united them whilst displaying the differences in their lives. Adding Ginny's POV disturbed that. Finally, considering the size of their family, I don't think the sound of Harry's tear will be very audible over the noise. It's certainly rather poetic, though, so I'll give you that :D

Hope this helped!


Plums xo

Author's Response: Hey Plums! Sorry for this late response and thank you so much for leaving this wonderful review!

I'm so glad to hear that the structure worked and didn't feel abrupt because I was really concerned about that. To hear that the piece flowed well was also music to my ears as I struggle with that.

Thanks for the luck! Since I'm rather terrible at sweet stories, I figured I'd go with bittersweet instead. That was what I was going for, so it's good to know that the parallel worked and the story conveyed the differences in their lives.

1. I didn't notice that, but now that you point it out, alas does sound out of place.
2. While I see your point about the POV switch, I didn't know quite how to end it so I went with that. I will see if perhaps I can find a way to end the piece without that switch because I think you are right.
3. I know it wouldn't be heard, but it was mainly meant to be poetic.

This really helped, and as soon as my list of stories gets through the queue, I will definitely go back and fix those things you pointed out. Once again, thank you so much for this review, it was really great to get some feedback.


Your Name:
Reason for this Report:

  • The review is offensive.
  • The review is spam or chit-chat (not actually a review).
  • The review was double posted.
  • The review has formatting problems.
Repeat the number: 622
Submit Report: