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Chapter 19 : My Home Away From Home
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I couldn't believe what I was doing, what had just happened to me.
It was Rose. Rose was kissing me.
I was taken aback. Completely stunned, and I didn't know what to do.
Her lips on mine suddenly brought forward thoughts I hadn't even considered, thoughts that had never crossed my mind. I found that I was frozen to the spot. I could hardly move, but I don't think Rose even noticed. She closed the gap between our bodies, pressing her chest against mine, and she held my face between her small hands, her lips kissing mine feverishly.
I couldn't close my eyes to take in the moment like I normally would when kissing a woman. I was too bewildered to figure out exactly what I should do; my eyes were open wide, but all I could see were Rose's eyelashes, long and black, batting against mine.
I had to think quickly. Should I push her away? Was I supposed to kiss her back? I didn't quite know how I felt about all of this; I had never given it any thought. I thought Rose and I were friends. Clearly, at some point, that had all changed. Was I to kiss her back even if I didn't quite know how I felt? That would only give her the wrong impression. But how could I push her away...? But no matter what I decided, I had to do it quickly. This kiss was completely one-sided so far, and Rose was bound to notice at some point.
My vision began to blur from focusing on something so close in front of me. I closed my eyes, and a new sensation hit. I melted into that kiss. My hands grasped her hips and pulled her closer if that was even possible.
I didn't think about anything except kissing Rose. I tried to narrow all the things cluttered in my mind down to that one single thing. Her kiss. I was suddenly aware of how soft her lips were, how luscious, how much passion she put into it. Her fingers felt delicate as they toyed with the locks of my hair. They ran through, slick and smooth, and came to rest at the back of my neck, one of her fingers toying the bottom of my hair.
I kissed her back only slightly, still experimenting, still trying to understand just why my heart was racing, why my skin felt as if it were ablaze with passion every inch she touched. I knew I was enjoying it. My hands began to move up her back and into her hair, only kissing her harder, but it was when Rose opened her mouth against mine and I felt the flicker of her tongue did I pull away.
I jolted away, coming to my senses. I couldn't lead her on like that. Not until I cleared up this mess going on in my head. The sun had recently set, but the sky was just the right shade of purple so I could still see her facial features. One of my hands went to cover my mouth in surprise, and my eyes moved to meet hers.
She looked hurt more than anything, embarrassed. Her hands fell weakly to her sides, and I could tell neither of us knew what to say. But I couldn't take her eye contact anymore. If I kept looking into those beautiful blue eyes, I would pour out all my troubles about this and the truth would go with it.
I just couldn't be with her. I had to think this over, think about our situation, but more importantly understand my feelings for her. But seeing her there before me, feeble, embarrassed, beautiful and gentle, when my throat clenched and was unable to form words, I had to consider the possibility that these feelings weren't just friendly. Maybe they were more and I hadn't even noticed the transition.
When did this happen? Merlin, she was beautiful...
I jumped up from the hammock. I had to or I would be kissing her again in a moment.
I turned my back to her, one of my fingers still prodding my kissed lips. I didn't know why I couldn't pull my hand away, but my lips felt as if she were still upon me. Like I would carry that kiss around with me forever.
I turned to look at the door and made way for it. "I need to..." I started. My throat was a choked up mess as I spoke, cracking in a way that made me all too embarrassed. "Think...About this..."
"Scorpius?" Her voice was so fragile. In a single second, it sent a wave of pain and need washing over me.
It's not Scorpius. Why couldn't I tell her that? Teddy. It's Teddy. That was another factor to consider in all of this that I hadn't even looked at.
Betrayal. A new feeling that sprung along with the thousand others that had only just surfaced.
I had to think.
"Have to think..." I muttered and headed for the door without another moment to lose.
"About what?!" she asked harshly. She scrambled out of the hammock, the rope temporarily twisting about her toes. She stumbled to her feet and was on my tail. I was vaguely aware of her fingers gingerly prodding my back. "Think about what, Scorpius?!"
"I-I don't know," I muttered. Why did I have to be speaking like a fool to top off all these things?
"I thought it was obvious that I felt this way for you! I-I thought you did too," she said painfully.
I didn't know what to say, but thankfully, I didn't have to. We had reached my room. I excused myself without another word and slipped into my bedroom, locking the door behind me before Rose could follow. But her distraught shouts were not silenced by that blockade now between the two of us. "Scorpius!"
Alone, I collapsed onto my bed, feeling as if I were suddenly drowning in all these emotions.
"Scorpius!" Rose shouted in pain one more time.
I didn't say anything. What could I say? I had kissed her back. I had. I'm sure she was confused by my actions, but I couldn't explain myself to her when even I didn't quite know what was going on. I clawed at my face with my hands, digging my nails into my eye sockets as if it would force me to think clearer. However, it did no such thing.
I had to organize myself.
Okay, first things first. Did I feel that way for Rose? Had it changed from friendship to something more without me even realizing it? Had I been acting outside of the friendship boundaries? What made her decide to do that?
I thought we had been friends, but perhaps I had been more physical with her than friends normally are. As I thought about it, I considered that possibility. We had slept in a bed together a few times, cuddling and tightly embraced. We had held hands numerous times; I had kissed her forehead. Then last night we had danced together. I had let her grind her hips against mine, I had let her unbutton my shirt, I had been the one to suggest we take off our clothes, and I had been the one to whisper in her ear of how I would rather stay with her. We had slept in a hammock together in naught but our undergarments.
As I analyzed my actions, I realized that maybe I had been the one to step outside the boundaries of friendship without even thinking about how Rose would interpret the actions. Did friends - usually a man and a woman - sleep in a bed together in a way that was simply as friends? Did those friends dance provocatively together and undress in front of one another? Did those friends sleep in hammocks together wearing just their underwear?
Friends didn't do that, did they?
We had taken it a step too far. I now understood that my actions could have confused her. I was leading her own without even realizing it. No wonder she had thought I wanted it too; I had done plenty of things to make her think I already liked her like that! Why had I been so stupid?! Why hadn't I realized it? I knew I had been acting the way I had to reassure her, to be there for her, to protect her because she was going through a difficult time. It didn't occur to me that my actions could also be interpreted as more than friendly.
I'm a bloke; I don't look into the deeper things like that, so of course I didn't pay attention to any feelings in our actions! But now I realized that I should have. I had confused Rose greatly. It was all my fault.
But that didn't change anything now. Rose had kissed me, and I was still trying to understand my thoughts. I knew that her change in feelings for Malfoy had been because of me, but did I also like her like that? I realized that I loved sleeping in the same bed with her; I never let go of her when I did so. She fit against me perfectly. She made my heart pound; she made my skin feel as if it were on fire.
I knew I had grown protective of Rose, but I never thought about why I had grown protective. I thought back to when we were at the bar last night. How I didn't want to leave her side, how I didn't want another guy to even lay eyes on her. I thought about why I didn't ask that blonde girl to dance. I hadn't wanted to leave Rose.
I closed my eyes and pictured her dancing with me once more. I tried to imagine her hands all over me again, unbuttoning my shirt, around my neck and playing with my hair.
A shiver shot down my spine at the thought. My heart beat faster, and I lost my breath. I suddenly wanted to hold her again, to have her arms around me, to be dancing with her and be thinking of nothing but the girl I was holding.
Of course those thoughts meant I had an infatuation for her. Why hadn't I realized it sooner? How could I not think of Rose in a romantic way? I suddenly felt foolish for never noticing it. Of course I felt the same way for her as she felt for Scorpius.
Not for me.
At that thought, I felt my stomach drop. It felt as if it fell completely out of my body, as if it hit the floor. I ached and longed for her to feel this way for me. Not for Scopius.
Not to mention that not only were her feelings for Scorpius, but I was lying to her. Blatantly lying to her. Constantly. It had been killing me more and more, but this was ridiculous. Could I really be so selfish as to do that to her? She deserved the utmost respect and honesty, and I certainly wasn't giving that to her.
But her beautiful face...
Her eyes, that gorgeous smile, her hands, her delicate form that fit so perfectly against me. Her strong, brave, determined, and courageous personality. All the things about her that I couldn't resist, that made me truly believe I was deeply infatuated with her. How could I avoid all those things? I didn't think I could. And maybe there was a small chance of Rose forgiving me. It was small and unlikely, but maybe...
If she knew how much I cared it could be a possibility, right? Or was that just a fool's hope?
But I knew I couldn't avoid all those things. I thought about the way she made me feel, how she made me a better person, how she had changed my life completely over these past few months, and I knew I couldn't not be with her in a romantic way. I needed to be with her.
Then my head felt clearer than ever. I knew what I wanted, and I couldn't let logic get in my way. I had learned to live from my heart, and how could I deny what it was telling to do?
I rose from my bed and approached my door. I was walking out and through the hallway. I had reached Rose's bedroom. Should I knock? Was it locked? Had I missed my window and she was now angry with me?
I decided to just reach for the handle. If it was unlocked, that was a sign, but I also didn't want to hear her to tell me to go away if she didn't want me in there. Better to ask forgiveness than permission. My hand closed over the knob, and I twisted.
I pushed and entered her bedroom.
The lights were out, but the new moon that had risen in the sky gave off a luminous light. Her room was filled with shadows and white glows. I looked about and saw her figure just sitting on the edge of her bed. I approached her, coming to stand before her. My eyes found hers in the dark room, the whites of her eyes shining brightly. Her mouth was parted, her eyes trying to think, clearly confused just like I had been
"Scorpius..." she whispered quietly. There were so many meanings behind that name in that moment. A sigh of release, a question. She meant so much by it, yet she needn't say more.
I placed my hands on her knees, her skin warm against mine, and I squeezed delicately. I looked at how my hands closed over her entire knee, how small she was beside me. I lifted my head to hers, and then I was all over her.
My hands went to her cheeks, to the back of her neck, knotting themselves in her hair, and I was pushing my lips against hers.
Rose leaped into my arms. Her legs wrapped around my waist, her arms around my neck. Her kisses were even more eager than mine. It only lasted for a moment before her soft lips parted and I could feel her tongue against mine.
And I loved it.
Why hadn't I seen Rose in this light before? It was different, kissing her, but it was exciting, and it felt right. I could barely control myself as she wrapped her body around mine. The weight of her and gravity pulled us down. Her back touched the bed, and I crawled on top of her.
I let my body hover above hers, our lips never breaking. I drank her in, loving the taste of her. Her hands let go of my neck but only repositioned themselves on my chest. Her fingers were tracing circles and drawing patterns on the cotton of my shirt. My hands moved to her hips, pinning her to the bed. She made a pleased grunt at the position of my hands and the take-charge force I used. My hands moved across her stomach, resisting the temptation to move above her bra line in fear of taking it too far all too quickly, moved to her hips, stroked her thighs. I grabbed her legs and hiked them up so that I could settle my body on top of hers, resting perfectly between her legs.
Her hands at the collar of my shirt had pulled me down, and I gladly let her slip them into my shirt when they travelled down to my waistline. Her palms were warm as they pressed against my abs, and when Rose made a noise, I only ended the kiss so that I could kiss her neck.
She loved it. I could tell by the way she arched her back, how she writhed beneath me, her toes curling. I kissed all over the warm skin there until I found the spot that made her the most vulnerable, the one that just made her melt into a puddle beneath me. I found it below her left ear; I could tell by the way she went limp beneath me, her breathing growing even, and I kissed until I knew I had left a mark. Only then did I return to her lips, more gently this time.
She pulled me down and held me there, not daring to let me go. Her hands at the back of my head wouldn't let me pull away even if I tried. Not that I wanted to though.
We kissed slowly, deeply, to the extent that I felt as if I would carry the taste of Rose in my mouth for the rest of my life. And I realized I wanted that. We just took our time to memorize the feel of the others lips, the curve of them, how we moved. Unfortunately, I hated myself for letting her take the time to memorize a pair of lips that weren't even mine. How I wished I could be myself doing this, let her know it was me she was kissing instead of believing she held this kind of relationship with Scorpius.
But I couldn't let myself think too hard about that. Not while I was on top of her like this. I realized I had grown tense, and I didn't want her to notice.
I shoved those thoughts away and thought only of how she made me feel and the two of us in that moment. I lost myself in her. The way she felt, her smooth skin, her smell, the heat of her against me, the butterflies she made me feel that I hadn't felt in years.
I was floating on cloud nine when she gave my chest a small push. I knew what she wanted. I rolled off of her, but she came with me, coming to rest on top of me. She broke our kiss, stroking my cheek and grinning widely to me.
I laughed quietly and ran my hands along her sides, coming to rest on her hips. I loved seeing that wide smile, that happy face, and it only made me tangle my hands in her hair and pull her down on top of me for another kiss, focusing only on Rose.
I woke up the next morning feeling rejuvenated. It was the start of the new day, and with that, I felt as if it were the start of something else entirely. I woke up with a smile on my face and one woman on my mind. Rose.
Not opening my eyes just yet, feeling the light of the sun already pounding against my closed eyelids, I turned over in the unfamiliar bed. The smell of Rose was wonderfully overwhelming, and I inhaled deeply. When I readjusted, I felt Rose's form beside me. She was half-beneath me, one of her arms about me, both my arms tight around her, her hair tangled with mine and both of our bodies. My head was tucked under her chin. I could feel my head rising and falling with her steady breathing. I let out a deep exhale.
The gentle fingers that began to run through my hair startled me. I thought she was still asleep. I opened my eyes, just feeling her hands against my head, and I watched her chest rise and fall with her breathing. It was so peaceful and so sensual just to see her be.
I pulled my head away from her and turned to face her. She was beaming at me. I didn't think I had ever seen a smile so big.
"Good morning," I sighed.
She just smiled, and her hands moved from my hair to my cheeks. She pulled me forward and pressed a kiss to my lips.
I can easily say that the rest of that day was officially the best day of my life thus far. With these newly discovered feelings for Rose, I was the happiest I had ever been. I didn't ever remember being this happy. Even when I had dated Victoire. I think I smiled all day; there wasn't a single second when my cheeks were puffed with my smile and stinging with sore muscles, but I didn't mind. Rose laughed and hardly left my side, and the sound of her laughter brought me even greater joy.
I cooked her breakfast, and we swam in the ocean. We built sand castles together, found sand dollars, and yes, we shared many kisses in between. When we weren't kissing, we were either laughing, smiling, or holding hands or each other in some way.
I completely forgot about the impending trial, that I was on duty and supposed to be digging deeper. I didn't care about any of that. With Rose things were different. I was able to forget all my troubles. With her, I finally felt as if I had found my place. I was home.
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