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Chapter 13 : The One Where Pippa Is Haunted By The Past
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Authors Note – Hello! How are you all?
I have to thank you all to the people who nominated The Human Factor for a dobby! That is so amazing and I feel humbled that you like it that much. Also thank you to the people who have nominated Pippa for best OC! I put a lot of thought into her character and I really can’t thank you enough. Comments and opinions are always welcomed but please remember to keep them 12+ otherwise they’ll have to be deleted.
Anyway! I hope you enjoy the chapter! It gives you a lot of information about the ex boyfriend!
Thanks so much for Steph for being my beta
The One Where Pippa Is Haunted By The Past
Amazing chapter image by Ayita@TDA
“Are you sure you’re a girl?” - Scorpius Malfoy
Sometimes when I close my eyes, it all overwhelms me. Memories come flooding in and regrets take a dagger to my gut. I often thought of him. I found it ironic that I had met a hundred people who never affected me and never tried to get close. Then I met him, a boy I didn’t even notice for a while and who managed to change my life. He managed to change me. I couldn’t decide whether it was for better or for worse? I still haven’t made up my mind on that one. I failed him. He failed me. We failed each other epically. We were what each other wanted but not what we needed. I needed someone who could play fire with fire and mange not to get burnt. He needed someone who wasn’t me. He needed someone who was kind and gentle. Someone he could control. For a while, I was unknowingly that girl but I fought back with vengeance and manipulated him until I was the one who controlled everything. He thought I was his pawn but I was the one who actually pulled all the strings.
My skin itched, as I was plagued by thoughts of him. My heart felt heavy and I was drowning. I was screaming but nobody was listening. I didn’t smile that much because if I did, I might start to show cracks. But my mind was a mess and I was slowly becoming unsure of everything. I wanted to forget, I needed to forget but it is hard to forget when people give you so many memories to remember. The best times I have ever had were locked in those memories. Those memories haunted me like a ghost that lived in my head and even the walls of this very building. These ghosts were everywhere. I sometimes worried that he had ruined me forever but everyone knew that I was damaged goods before he ever shot that sly look in my direction. It’s funny how people can leave your life, but stay behind in your heart.
That is just life.
“Pippa.” Cassie elbowed me and my eyes jolted open. “Listen!” We were currently sitting through another lecture by Professor Binns. I think someone should seriously make him pass over or he should go sight seeing and see all the things this crappy world has to offer. I mean, being cooped up in this castle can’t be good for anyone’s mentality, even if you’re dead. I’d go crazy if I had to stay here longer than I do. This wasn’t my home. It wasn’t my haven. It was simply a place I was stuck in most of the year.
“I don’t really care about History of Magic.” I shrugged, not even caring if Binns heard me. He hasn’t liked me since I threw that paper airplane through him in first year. “It’s boring.” I yawned.
Cassie pouted. “I think it’s interesting. I mean, today’s lesson is all about second wizarding war! I can’t wait until we get to the part of Voldemort getting delivered a smack down.” Her eyes went hazy as she daydreamed. Cassie likes this stuff because no one she knows was around to witness it. Her family saw everything from the Muggle point of view and that was practically nothing compared to the wizarding world. She didn’t lose any family and she isn’t judged based on her last name. So to her, it’s all quite magical. In that sick, twisted way of course.
“It’s all the same. Death Eaters bad, Order of The Phoenix good. Blah, blah blah. Eventually, Voldemort dies and then Death Eaters get thrown in jail or are killed if they are lucky and everyone gets their happy ending, if they aren’t dead of course.” I drew a happy face on my piece of parchment. “The end! It’s all pretty regular stuff.”
“How can you say that?” Cassie hissed, like she was offended. Sometimes I truly do not understand this girl.
“If you ever read the part in the book about my uncle or my granddad, you’d find it’s all the same.” I sighed. “We’re Slytherin, bad guys for life.”
“I refuse to believe that.” Cassie told me. “We’ve just had some pretty bad people on our team.” She told me firmly, the optimist in her shining through. I would have to stomp it out of her, cause misery loves company right? And this lesson was making me miserable.
“Bad? We’ve had one of the darkest wizards in history in our house. I think that passes bad, sweetie.” Cassie glared and I just grinned at her. “We explored this topic in third year. Why do we have to do it again?” I hated this subject. I really did. Last time we studied this, Scorpius got bullied quite badly and had to win over everyone again. I got so many dirty looks I lost count and enough insults to keep me going for life but I was tougher than Scorpius. The battlefield is my home and words that abused made up my whole language. Scorpius is popular, but his popularity is so fickle. People would turn on him if he showed one sign of Slytherin traits.
“I am so bored.” Scorpius whispered in my ear. I was sitting in the middle, between Cassie and Scorpius. I had tried to stop Scorpius from sitting next to me. I told him it was taken my by friend Joey. Scorpius just laughed and sat down anyway. Albus was sitting next to Scorpius, looking extremely bored. He was tearing up pieces of parchment into little bits. After he had created a little pile, he would pick it up and sprinkle it on the floor. It was really annoying me. He was making a lot of mess. “I can’t wait until we get to the part where my father tries to kill Dumbledore. That’s always my favourite.” He folded his arms and frowned like a small child who was just told no.
“Who the hell thought it’d be good to tell everyone the crap that went down?” I muttered.
“People got curious I guess. It is our history. The war was a big deal.” Scorpius turned to Albus. “Did your dad ever make an official biography?”
Albus laughed. “Nope. That isn’t really my father’s thing. I didn’t know why everyone stared at him until I was a lot older.” He shrugged, as he continued to tear up the parchment. “I am so bored. I’ve heard these stories a thousand times, from my grandma to the random people in the streets.” He was confessing again. I glared at him for no apparent reason other than the fact that I hated him. Albus just rolled his eyes and smirked at me. Those eyes that that held a deadness in them that I had never found in another but my own.
“Oh, Pippa!” I sighed before turning to Scorpius.
“What?” I ran my fingers through my hair.
“I heard your parents are renewing their vows.”
I gasped like I was shocked. “What? They haven’t told me!” I pouted before rolling my eyes. “What about it?”
“Isn’t it great?” He said excitedly and I just shrugged. “Aren’t you excited about it?” He poked me.
“Nope.” I responded. “It’s not my wedding is it? Why would I be all excited?” I didn’t understand what the fuss was. It’s just another wedding. People would forget about it days later. Everything would return back to normal. Weddings don’t really change anything, it’s things like funerals that do.
“Are you sure you’re a girl?” Scorpius asked.
“Hmmmm.” I made out like I was thinking about it. I swear Scorpius gets more stupid every single day. He’s going to need someone to look after him by the time he is twenty at this rate. “Yes, I think I am.” I flicked him in the forehead.
“Then why aren’t you excited?” Scorpius returned the flick in the forehead. I glared and chucked his quill on the floor. It was pathetic but it had filled the anger urge. “That wasn’t petty at all.”
I shrugged again. “It’s not like anything is going to change. My parents are already married.”
Scorpius thought about it for a moment. “I suppose you’re right.”
The rest of the class went without us talking. I drew Binns finally going towards the light on my parchment that was meant for notes. Albus went threw several rolls of parchment and the floor was a mess. Scorpius didn’t bother to pick up his quill. Cassie was the only good student out of us all. She took notes and listened. It was quite surprising. She hardly ever takes notes. Scorpius and Albus left as soon as they could, but I was stuck waiting for Cassie who was talking to Binns about the damn war.
“Are you coming to dinner?” Cassie asked as she rubbed her stomach after she was finally done talking to the professor. She should really stop doing that otherwise a rumour will go around that she’s pregnant or something stupid like that.
“I’m not really that hungry today.” Cassie eyed me weirdly. The girl gets hungry, five minutes after she eats. I wasn’t built like that. “I’ll meet you back in the dormitory.” I had a letter to write to my parents anyway. I had forgotten that I had never replied to the one about the wedding.
Cassie shrugged. “Okay. I’ll see you later.” She leaned forward. “I have to work on Morgan anyway.” She whispered in my ear. She winked at me before she strolled away. I couldn’t believe she was actually going through with it. Cassie’s loyalty stretched to herself and me. It was weird because she wouldn’t get anything from it. I believed that no one would get anything from it. It would be a game where no winner would be crowned, but never less I was interested to see how things would turn out. I chucked my bag over my shoulder and began walking towards the Slytherin common room.
I was humming to myself as I strolled through the corridors. Then appeared my past; him. I dived behind a statue hoping for the world to swallow me up. I peaked around the statue and my breath hitched. He was everything I remembered and more. I tried to look anywhere but at him but I couldn’t. My mind was telling me to run before I did anything stupid or I ended up being hurt even more. My heart wanted to see him and keep me living in the past. He didn’t even notice me. I wanted to yell hello at him so he’d stop and look but I wouldn’t allow myself, even though it was what I wanted more than anything at this moment. I watched as he laughed with his group of friends. I remember when he used to laugh with me. I still adored him endlessly. I could constantly think of the bad points of him but it wouldn’t change a thing. I would kill to be back in those arms of his, for him to hug me and kiss me. I knew I missed him but I had never allowed myself to realize how much I missed him. I watched him walking until he was out of sight. He seemed so carefree. He wasn’t hurting the way I was. This separation wasn’t tearing at him like it was me.
Suddenly everything was blurry again. I was back to square one and I was in pieces again. All the work I had done to put myself back together was useless. I had avoided him for this very reason. He went to dinner early, so I went to dinner late. He liked the library so I never ventured in there. I found my own places to hide that he would never even think off or even go near. Nobody did, except Albus bloody Potter.
I fell to the floor behind the statue as I held my knees against my chest.
It was funny, how much loosing someone stays with you. It was a constant reminder how much someone could hurt you, whether they are in your life or not. He haunted me everywhere. He was in my dreams when I slept and he never left my thoughts when I was awake.
I was too young to be tainted with all these emotions. I was meant to be living freely with no worries on my shoulders other than homework. I was meant to be obsessing about boys but I couldn’t see any boy in that way since him. If I could never see anybody in a romantic light, I would remain alone for life. There wasn’t a perfect person for me. Even he wasn’t it if I was honest. He wasn’t my perfect someone. He didn’t challenge me. I knew this, but it didn’t matter. It didn’t make anything I felt any less weak.
It was amazing how one simple look at him and everything I had built up crumbled. My stone walls were actually made of paper. He was the sea that washed away any good memories I might have thought of and he only left me with the ones that featured him. Those were ones that kept me awake at night. I didn’t think about the time Cassie fell into a puddle or the time Scorpius went on stage at a karaoke contest after I dared him while we were on holiday together. He sang something about how his ‘heart would go on’ while dancing. He ended up winning it all. Old ladies fell in love with him and kept on offering us boiled sweets. Scorpius ended up choking on one, I had to whack him on the back and he hasn’t touched a boiled sweet since. I didn’t think about those. Those memories stayed dead and the ones that came back to life were always the ones where he was my world. The nightmares ate me from the inside out. The lack of sleep was showing on my weary body.
I held my face in my hands wishing for it all to go away. I had tried to put all my thoughts in a box but it wouldn’t stay shut because I had tried stuffing everything I had ever felt in it. It was overflowing. It wouldn’t stop. My thoughts were like a kite, I couldn’t control them properly and they always drifted off course.
I hope he knows that he poisoned me.
He walked out and left me in the rain to rust slowly. My heart dropped when he left. It sank to the bottom of the sea. It’s still there because he is the anchor that keeps it pinned to the seabed. It would never arise again as long as he had this power over me. He wasn’t part of my life yet his magic kept working. I would lie there on the floor of the ocean, fishes would avoid me like a shark, the darkness would swirl around me but I wouldn’t move. I was rooted firmly. He was the only thing that could resurrect me. He could save me. He could rip the chains that were killing me and everything would be alright. But I knew it wouldn’t be like that. I wasn’t going to get my fairytale. I had always known this. My heart was too rotten. It couldn’t love properly because I embodied bitterness. I was everything negative that existed in the world. I was a complete mess that was just stumbling through life with my eyes closed from fear.
I remembered everything about him. I tried to focus on his flaws but I still thought he was the most beautiful person in the world. There was no one in the world that could compare to him. I gave him my heart which was one of the most stupid decisions I had ever made. He gained control over it and I was powerless to resist the secret smile that I believed he had reserved only for me. I was an idiot. I was lost to love but now I was wiser. I knew that some people were only meant to stay in your life for a little while, that no matter how much you want them to stay, they will leave because they weren’t meant to fit in your life forever. Promises were broken. He was the King of broken promises and I was the Queen of self destruction. Together we made a pair that was never going be completely and utterly happy forever. We stumbled too much, I played too many games and he fell for them all. It wasn’t a match made in heaven but it wasn’t a match made in hell either. It was just a match. We weren’t meant to be together but it happened anyway. And I would forever be living in the consequences of that.
It was amazing how things changed so quickly. This time last year, everything was so different. I was different. I was still ‘twisty’ but I knew what happiness was. Now I wouldn’t recognize it. It had been too long. I had felt sadness for too long. It had become one of my closest friends. Being sad was as normal as breathing.
I would always be my own worst enemy. I would forever be punishing myself for the mistakes of my past. I believed I fully deserved to be punished. I had done terrible things and I still didn’t regret them. That is why I needed to be punished because I enjoyed the bad things I had done. I didn’t like to be nice. I couldn’t be bothered. Niceness was for the weak. Everyone who I had known that could be classed as nice had just ended up being used as a doormat. I was no doormat.
I had to move on. The only problem was that I just didn’t understand how. I was stuck and forced to live in my memories. Even though I wanted to feel better, I also considered the very idea absurd. I didn’t know who I would be without my sadness. If you stripped me of that, I wouldn’t know who the creature was that would be left. I had no idea of who I really was, I just knew who I wasn’t.
I stumbled back towards the common room hoping to crawl into my bed and hide underneath the covers. It was dark now, I had been sitting on the cold, dirty floor for hours and I hadn’t even realized it. I didn’t expect to find Damien sitting in Slytherin common room alone. I stared at him unable to hide the disappointment I felt when I thought about him. He looked at me broken eyes.
I opened my mouth to say something but he got there first. “Pippa.” He stumbled before he took a sharp intake of breath. “We need to talk.” He was going to explain everything. It was going to hurt in places and I couldn’t prepare myself because I was all drained out from seeing him.
I could only nod.
The next time on The Human Factor
“Then it’s overrated in my opinion then.” He shrugged before laughing and I couldn’t help but join in. I loved my brother. The love lurked in the deepest crevice on my heart surrounded by the shadows. Occasionally it crept out to breathe in the light whenever I allowed it to which wasn’t very often. I needed Damien to be in my life to be happy. Whenever I got back to happy that is. I was still a far away from that but I knew Damien was part of my future. He had to be. Even though I disliked a lot of things about him, I couldn’t imagine my life without him. He had to be part of it. Enchanting my life or messing it up; he just had to be a part of it. One day I was going to be happy. I just didn’t know how eventually I was going to get there. One day, he too would also be happy. He just needed to escape Emilie’s clutches first.
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