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Chapter 41 : Just When You Think That You're In Control - Here It Goes Again
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Just when you think that you're in control,
Just when you think that you've got a hold,
Just when you get on a roll,
Here it goes, here it goes, here it goes again.
"So," Lily said, as she sat beside me on the couch; I had one of my schools books out and was pretending to read. "What has ‘Alicia’ been getting up to lately?"
"Why don’t you go ask your boyfriend’s dumbarse best mate," I snapped.
Lily seemed shock. "You are Sirius fighting? I didn’t think you guys did that."
And then it was my turn to smile. "Not fighting, exactly. But, if Sirius comes down here in a few minutes and seems out of sorts, hide my fit of laugher, please."
Lily looked at my funny, but sure enough, Sirius stumbled down the staircase a few minutes later.
"Quick, hide me," I whispered.
Lily was always good at thinking fast; she whipped out her wand and cast a disillusionment spell on my. I could tell by icy cold feeling that trickled down my body; also by the fact that my body blended into everything.
Sirius clumsily made his way over to us, where Lily kept a straight face and played it like I wasn’t sitting directly next to her.
"Seen Anastasia?" Sirius asked distractedly.
"No, why do you ask?" Lily said. If Sirius was in his best shape, he certainly would have been able to tell that something was up. But he was out of it, and Lily knew it.
Sirius mumbled incoherently.
"What was that? I couldn’t hear you, sorry."
"Bloody little git," he sighed, ambling I away.
I jumped up, still faux-invisible. "Hey! I resent that!" I bounded over to Sirius and jabbed him in the shoulder.
"Hay is for horses!"
Lily, Sirius and I all forgot what we were doing to glance across the common room at Remus. It was hard to believe that the idiot was the most mature of our friends. (Besides Lily, seeing as I was beginning to count her as one.)
Taking advantage of his further lapse of attention, I rapped Sirius in the back of his head with my knuckles.
"Will you stop it!? Haven’t you tortured me enough for one day?" he pled.
"You’re right," I agreed. "Why don’t I make it up to you?"
I grabbed a still-confused Sirius by the wrist and led him towards the staircase. We were followed by Lily’s comment. "That’s Alicia." And Remus’ wolf whistles. Of course, from any of the Marauders, that kind of tact (or lack-there-of) was to be expected.
"Huh?" he asked, and I forcefully pushed him backwards onto the bed.
I just smiled and bit my lower lip. "I’m going to make it up to you."
Sirius finally snapped back his senses and realized what the hell I was talking about. "Oh?"
I smiled suggestively, before slowly backing through the room, to my dresser. I pulled open my top draw and grabbed something out of it, all the while looking at Sirius. I put it quickly behind my back before Sirius could see and slowly made my way back to him.
Sirius was quite a picture; now that he knew what was going on he, looked quite smug, and was lounging on the bed like it was a beach chair. I jumped up on the bed and straddled him.
And for the second time that day, I played a joke on poor, ol’ Sirius. I pulled the chocolate bar out from behind my back. "Here take a bite; it’ll make everything better."
I held the bar out to him and he looked at me with incredulity. "What?" I asked, my own mouth full of chocolate. "Not what you were expecting?"
Sirius was, at that point, looking at me with the most confused, lost face I had ever seen him make. (Except that time that McGonagall told him that classes were going to be held under the lake; he trudged back to the castle an hour later, soaking wet, claiming that he couldn’t find anyone.)
I sighed and decided to have pity on the poor guy. "Kidding," I said, before throwing the chocolate bar aside.
"So, D-boy really never made you . . . you know?"
Sirius was treading after me as we made our way down to the Great Hall for dinner and I rounded on him, causing him to bump into me and knock both of us over. We landed (not very softly, I might add) on the marble floor of the castle.
"Oi, Black! Get off your girlfriend and go get a room!" Sirius practically jumped off of me and we both looked to the left to see someone calling to Sirius. I guess Sirius knew him, because he flipped said person off; but I didn’t know who it was.
"The nerve of some people," Sirius huffed good-naturedly, dusting himself off. "Can’t accept that I happen to have the worlds’ clumsiest person as my best mate."
"Oh, shut up. And, if you mention that thing one more time I will personally castrate you and shut you up by stuffing your-"
"Okay!" Sirius shouted, covering my mouth with his hand and pushing me forwards. "I get the idea."
We got to the Great Hall without further incident and walked through to the Gryffindor table Sirius plopped himself down in an open seat and invited me to join him. "Sitting?" he questioned.
"Nah, maybe in a bit. I’m actually going to go bother Darren for a while." And I turned and skipped off, back up the table. Behind me, I heard Sirius’ disappointed sigh, but didn’t think of anything until James brought it up later on that night.
Sirius had gone out to find Pete; he’d gone missing again, as he sometimes did. We suspected him to be in the Room of Requirement with some bird, but Sirius wanted to check. He couldn’t have one of his best mates in trouble.
As soon as Sirius’ footsteps disappeared, James exploded. "What the hell do you think you’re playing at?"
Remus, not usually one to seek conflict, disappeared under his large book.
"Er, I was brushing my teeth," I explained, slightly muffled by the toothpaste. I indicated the minty freshness of my mouth and the froth on the toothbrush.
"I don’t. Mean. With. Your teeth."
James waited for me to explain ‘what I was playing at,’ but I couldn’t, as I wasn’t really sure what he was referring to.
"Sirius!" he yelled, finally.
"What about him?" By that time, I had finished brushing my teeth, and had rinsed my toothbrush, and taken a seat on James’ bed.
"Are you really that thick, Anna, or are you just pretending?"
"Well, I must really be this thick, because I have no idea what you’re talking about!" James was starting to annoy me at the point. He was already on the line because of the whole hair going bye-bye incident a two weeks earlier, and he was pushing the boundaries.
"Anna! What you’re doing is killing him! What you’re doing, how you are! He loves that about you, but it’s tearing him apart!"
I cast a glance at Remus, hoping he’d help me, but by that point, he had stopped trying to hide behind his book, and actually climbed under his bed in attempt to be left out of the argument.
As much as I wanted to hit James for being cryptic and unhelpful, I decided to cut him some slack. He only got defensive and angry when one of his best mates was being hurt, and apparently I was doing the hurting.
"James, I’m listening, but you have to explain yourself better."
James took a deep breath, and Remus came back out from under the bed. James put his hand on my shoulder in a friendly way; I suppose he was trying to let me know that he no longer wanted to break my bones.
"Anna, you and Sirius like each other, that much is obvious." I shrugged. "Okay, let’s put it this way. You love Sirius as a friend, and totally wouldn’t mind snogging and or shagging and whatnot, right?"
I nodded that time, James hit the nail right on the head. "Okay, and that’s how you know that you like someone. Now, you don’t usually do that conventional relationship thing. Sirius, however, does. And the facts are that you guys aren’t good for each other.
"Do you know that Sirius has tried to hold your hand and total of seventeen times in the last week? He either gets your hand and you wriggle free, or you just keep swinging it so he can’t grab, walking about like ‘oh, this isn’t my boyfriend beside me, just my best mate who I sometimes snog.’"
I tried not to laugh, as this was obviously very Sirius (and serious, too, I guess,) but I couldn’t help it. The way that James put it was just so funny.
I quickly straightened my face and tried to digest what James was telling me. "So, James. You’re basically telling me that Sirius wants an actual relationship? Like commitment, and that shit?"
James sighed. He probably wanted to hit me; I’m glad he decided not to. "Anna. A long time ago, Sirius told us that as much as he liked you, he could never go with you and one of your, and I quote, ‘half-arsed relationships.’ But he obviously likes you enough to go back on that. He’s made a sacrifice for you, maybe you should try making one for him?"
Before I could respond, we heard two sets of footsteps (that resembled a heard of elephants) coming up the stairs. James threw himself under the covers and pretended to be asleep, Remus quickly picked up his book and resumed his reading, and I threw myself onto my four-poster, misjudging the distance and smacking my head into the bed as soon as the door opened and Sirius and Peter walked you.
"Oww," I moaned.
"You dumbarse," Sirius scolded, with a smile on his face. I clutched my head and rolled over.
Damn! Who knew that wood was so hard? Haha. Wood. Hard. Ha.
I managed to keep myself from laughing out loud and having to explain, which was a good thing, seeing as my mind had more important thing than whether or not wood was hard.
Haha, wood is hard. Woah! Darren’s last name is Wood . . .
No, Anna! Stop! Uncorrupt! Uncorrupt!
I rubbed my temples, trying to make both my terribly perverted voice, and my sensible one merge into a nice moderate, helpful voice, that would love me enough to help me figure out what to do about Sirius.
"Blimey, I’m tired." Sirius yawned and hoped into his bed next to mind. Over a bit, Peter climbed into his own bed. Sirius picked up his wand and turned off all the lamps around the room.
"G’night," he said sleepily. We all chorused back in a similar manner, but I was far from sleep. I had much too much to work out for myself.
So, what to do, what to do? Do we even believe James?
Well, if he was lying, he was pretty believable. Besides, why would he lie about something like that? He wouldn’t and that’s why this whole thing is such a big problem; because it means that you and Sirius really do want something different. I think the question you need to ask yourself is: How much do you love him?
So much! I answered myself.
So much that you’d be willing to give up your apparent freedom for him?
And that’s where I fell into a rut. I had never exactly been in a real relationship before. Well, besides Aaron, and that certainly didn’t turn out well.
I loved Sirius, so much. I could easily spend the rest of my life with him, I reasoned. But the question was: Could I really?
There’s nothing to lose in trying, right?
. . . Easy for you to say.
But after everything that Sirius had done for me (apparently, more than I had previously known,) I could surely do something for him. And before I could reason myself out of it, I rolled out of my bed (still wrapped in my blanket, of course,) and temporarily crawled into Sirius’.
"Sirius," I whispered. "Are you awake?"
He grumbled a bit and rolled over to face me. "Yes, love, I’m awake. And do you know that you whisper bloody loud?"
"Sorry," I whispered again, trying to be more quiet.
"What do you want?" he asked, but not in a mean or annoyed way.
"I want to be your girlfriend," I choked out. "The real kind, not the ‘Mutual Casual Daters’ kind."
What the hell am I getting myself into? I wondered, as Sirius’ mouth dropped open and he grabbed my hands excitedly.
"Really? For real?"
"Yeah," I managed to say. "For real."
Sirius still holding my hands, kissed me quickly and began to stroke my hair. Despite that fact that I did the impossible, (a.k.a. put myself in a relationship with comittment,) the Sirius’ melodic petting put me at ease enough to relax and fall asleep.
But not before I could think, Here we go, again.
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