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Polychromatic by HarryPotter is my LIFE
Chapter 34 : I'll Have You Know I'm Scared to Death
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 27

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I'll have you know I'm scared to death
. . .
Now I'm hoping just a little bit stronger
Hold me up just a little bit longer

I'll be fine, I swear
-Mayday Parade


Understandably it took me a few seconds to recover from that. 

Shit, I need to think about all of this. Now.

"Er, I think I’m gonna be sick guys," I threw my hand up to my mouth and sprinted out of the Great Hall, making a show about it.

However, once I was out, I didn’t head for the loo, but for the outside. I kept running until I reached that secret spot that the Marauders and I had found one day, four years earlier.


"I’m so done with this; I want to go back," I complained. The Marauders (a year older than me, Third years) had done some exploring around the grounds. They said that there was reason to believe that just a bit further, there was a secret little field that no one knew about it. "How do you even know that no one knows about it if you do?"

"Patience, young grasshopper," Sirius said, in an annoyingly superior way.

"Just shut your trap, will you?" I angrily followed the older boys through the grounds. We had long since left the rolling green hills that everyone played on, and were making our way through an area with grass that was up to my waist.

"I’m going to go back," I warned. "And then I’ll lock you all out of your dormitory."

"You’re not talented enough for that," James said, brushing off my threat. "And you couldn’t find your way back at this point - you’ll get lost."

"I can see the castle, you dimwit." I was about to hurl more insults at the Marauders when Remus abruptly stopped in front of a tree. He ran his hand down it once or twice. "This is it, guys. Right beyond this tree is our new safe haven. The only limitations; if someone is looking for anyone inside this area, it becomes visible to them."


I nearly growled. I hadn’t quite perfected it yet, though. "And what is the whole point of this place? We already have the Room of Requirement."

Remus nodded. "Yes, but there’s something about this place that’s a little more . . . Ours."

"Yeah, yeah, I agree," Sirius said, collapsing into the grass.

Peter nodded eagerly and James agreed as well. "Well," I groaned. "I suppose it is sort of cool."

"Besides," Remus interjected. "It’s a great spot to take girls, or in your case, boys."

Already, at only thirteen, Remus was such a whore. Sirius, James, Peter and I had a bet on when he would first have sex. Remus didn’t know we had a bet.

"Okay, okay, I get the idea." I lay down next to James and stared up at the sky.

"One day, Anastasia," James said. "You’ll be way less angry at the world (for whatever it is you’re angry at) and you’ll come to be insane. Just like us."

"Praise Godric the day that comes," Sirius said.

I whacked him upside the head. "I heard that."

However, we all couldn’t help but laugh.



I remembered the little angry child that I had been until the beginning of Third year. I was lucky that the Marauders saw something in me that I hadn’t, or else I still might have been bitter. In fact, it was Sirius that had finally convinced me to grow down.


"Anastasia, do you always have to mope around?" Sirius whined.

"I’m not moping," I insisted. "This is my naturalness."

Sirius shook his head and scooted a little closer me. We were sharing a compartment on the train; James, Remus and Peter had all disappeared. "Yes, you are. And no, it’s not.

"I know you. Anastasia, when we first met you more than two years ago, you were this naive little child who didn’t have a care in the world; we managed to corrupt you. And we’re quite proud of ourselves, by the way. But at what point did you decide to be angry at everything that moves!"

At the precise moment, I had kicked my leg into the trunk that stood a foot away from us. "Stupid trunk!"

"And things that don’t move," Sirius amended, in an exasperated tone. I finally gave in. "I don’t know," I whined. "But everyday that I wake up, I just start out the day with the need to punch things, and the day gets worse from there."

Sirius, who was taking advantage of the empty compartment, had jumped up and was exuberantly acting out all of his emotions and ideas. "Then don’t start out the day like that! Try this: Everyday, when you get up, think, ‘What a glorious day! What kind of fun mischief will I get up to today?’!"

He sat back down at wouldn’t take his eyes off me. I felt a bit self-conscious. "I know it sounds dumb, and I know it sounds simple. But, please, Anastasia; try it."

I looked at Sirius and those pleading eyes. "Okay, but only for you."


Okay, so Sirius had been the reason that I was no longer a whiny, slightly-angry/depressed preteen. So what? What did that mean anyway? He helped me through a rough patch - no biggy.

Except that it was.


"Who the hell are you and what have you done with Anastasia?" James panted as me and the Marauders raced down the corridor. The night that Sirius had given me his advice, I tried it. And, shock of all shockers, it had worked. I felt empowered, I felt like I had to do something with my new found joy and immaturity.

I felt the need to steal Professor McGonagall’s knickers and run away while making a ruckus.

"A little birdie came and talked to me," I explained, clutching a stich in my side and struggling to keep up with the faster, taller boys. "I decided that life is lovely, and should be treated as such."

"Does that mean you’re going to join us in acting like we’re two and have fun for the rest of your life?" Sirius asked excitedly. We shared a secret glance.

"Yes, yes it does," I concurred.


I didn’t even realize that I had fallen asleep in the soft grass until I woke up and it was nearly dusk out. "Well, this can’t be good," I decided. I was about to hop up and make my way back to the castle when I remembered the reason that I had left earlier that day.

"How fucked up has my life become?" I asked myself.

Not as much as you think.

I swear on Godric Gryffindor’s soul, I almost strangled myself, when I realized it was the same, traitorous, voice from this morning.

Hey, hey, hey! Will you stop going mental? Look at yourself! You’re like a more grown up, less depressed, more perverted version of what you were three or four years ago! That’s bad.

And in a rush of realization (as corny and overused as that sounds) I threw myself to the ground. Was the little bitch of a voice in my head right? What I just as bad as I was then? 

Just think about it,
the voice urged. Think about how different you were less than two years ago.

Completely oblivious to the outer world, I was once against lost in my nostalgia.



Chocolate fudge frosted, confetti cake. "Crrrupciiisss!" I said, demonstrating to James and Sirius what the word cupcake sounds like when cupcakes are shoved in ones mouth. There was no mirror in the kitchen, but I assumed that I had chocolate and cake crumbs all over my face since I had shoved the entire cupcake into my mouth at once.

James shook his head in mock disgust. "There is no way that you are a girl.

"And you are definitely a dog," he told Sirius after the tall boy had repeated exactly what I had done.

"Thank you," we replied simultaneously.

We all laughed for a bit and then I reached for another cupcake.

"Don’t touch that cupcake!" I looked at Sirius with a confused expression. He had his hand reaching out to me in an overly-dramatic way, even though he could have easily taken it from me. "Don’t do it!"

Slowly, painfully slowly, I lifted the delicious cupcake to my mouth and stuck my tongue out. I put my tongue on the cupcake and licked just the tiniest bit of icing, off, I continued and then -

"No! Stop it! Bob doesn’t like that!"

I stopped in shock. "Bob? Bob doesn’t like it?"

Sirius nodded.

I looked at him. "Please tell me that you did not name this cupcake Bob."

He shook his head. "Thank God-"

"That’s not Bob, that’s Bob’s girlfriend."

I couldn’t take it anymore. I burst out laughing. "So where is Bob then?"

Sirius picked the biggest cupcake off the plate and held it up. I took the cupcake I had licked all over and smashed it into ‘Bob.’ "Look!" I shouted. "They’re making out!"

"Oh. My. Goodness." Remus had just walked into the room and stood next to James. "Please tell me that they’re kidding."

James shook his head sadly. "Nope. But console yourself; she’s probably just drugged up."

I pushed the giant vase of flowers that rested on the island counter in the middle of the kitchen aside. There stood Remus with a giant smile on his face. I was prepared to leap into his arms in way of greeting, but Sirius beat me to it.


"Merlin," whispered Remus as Sirius dive-bombed into Remus’ arms. My eyes widened in shock when Remus caught Sirius with little difficulty and massive muscles bulged out of his t-shirt. I could have sworn that they had just been skinny little sticks a few moments ago. He held onto Sirius for a moment as Sirius leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. Within nanoseconds of that, Remus dropped Sirius down onto his butt.

"You know, mate," Remus said, as he shifted his duffel bag from his shoulder to the floor. "That was just creepy. And so what that whole cupcake thing."

"I’m creepy," I piped up in a small voice. "And intimidating."

"Yes, of course, because all people who are five feet are intimidating."


I shook my head, making the memory float away. 

Now think more recently,
I was prodded. The past year, maybe?


"So it is possible for you to have fun," I teased Darren.

"I have fun all the time," he claimed, "just not in the same way as you do." He winked suggestively.

I shook my head at his forwardness. "Well, personally, I like my way better." Then again, the boy had rolled down the hill with me. And he looked cute with tousled hair. "But since you were kind enough to entertain me, I’ll entertain you."

I rolled over on top of Darren and straddled my legs around his waist. I lowered my face to his neck and trailed kisses from his exposed collarbone all the way to his chin. All the while, his hands trailed lightly up and down my back.

Aaron and I had never kissed more than a peck. Stephen was the first guy I really snogged, but we only did that once or twice. I wasn’t even a moderate kisser when Darren and I begun our ‘thing’ but within a few weeks, Darren’s experience, and constant need for physical attention, had made me quite a good one. Practice makes perfect, I suppose.


"So?" I had progressed to arguing with my voice from the outside. "That’s one point in time out of how many? I bet I could think of another that wasn’t like that!"

No point in getting worked up about it, my inner voice coaxed, probably trying to stop myself having a breakdown. All I’m saying is that you’re not who you were.

"What do you want me to do about it?" I whined. 

Whatever you think is right.

"I don’t know anymore," I admitted. My voice squeaked.

Anna. I’ve been living (quite dormant, up until recently) inside of you since you were born. You work best if you’re not thinking so hard. Try it.

"Try it." The words brought back, with a gasp, the whole reason that I had fled my best mates.

Don’t think, you dimwit. Go with the flow.

"Right, go with the flow."

I planned on staying for a little while longer, just to rid my head of more thoughts, when I heard someone call my name. "Anastasia?"

And again. "Anastasia? There’s no point hiding, I can see you."

With a sigh, I slowly got up and walked to Sirius. I looked at him and said, "Don’t ask, so I don’t have to tell. Just doing a little soul searching."

I was about to throw my arm over his shoulder and continue up to the castle, but I decided to try something.

Remember, go with the flow,
I was reminded.

"Sirius, I want to try something. It means absolutely nothing at all, but I want to see what happens." He looked confused (when did he not) but nodded.

And for the second time in three months, I stepped up to Sirius and gave him a kiss. Nothing too serious; just a few seconds of his soft lips on mine. I stepped back and looked up at Sirius, I felt like I was contemplating the kiss, but no thoughts went through my head.

"I’m kind of tired," I told him. "Shall we?"

He nodded, seeming to have already forgotten the odd event that transpired only moments earlier. He slipped his arm around my waist and let me rest my head on his arm. (My head didn’t quite reach his shoulder - stupid tall kid.)

"I’m a little confused right now, Sirius," I explained. "But I’m working it all out. Just like you told me all those years ago, I just have to try it."

"Try what?"

"I don't know for sure yet."

A/N: I apologize for the potentially larger number of mistakes in this chapter; my beta has not looked through it, and I've only skimmed it once in my hurry to post this before I had to left.

A/N2: "Anastasia" Update: I've written three or four chapters (they're merged so I can't exactly tell.) What that means is that I'm now well in Anatasia's fifth year. This story, I think, will go through Anastasia's Seventh year. Hede warning now: It will contain spoilers for this story; as I will not have reached Anna's Seventh year (in this story) by the time that "Antastasia" is posted, I advice you to put off reading if you don't want those hints at what will be happening.

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