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Chapter 14 : Tragedy for the Marauders
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A/N: If you are against Sirius/Lily please stop reading now. This chapter will just offend you beyond all measure. Oh, and if Snape/Lily bothers you, you may want to avoid this chapter too. Warnings sufficiently given…for the adventurous open-minded people that have decided to continue reading….I hope you enjoy!
Tragedy for the Marauders
It was the first time in over a month that Sirius had come home from Hogsmeade sober. The state of his London flat made him cringe and he immediately began sending spells to each corner of the room to try and get it clean. The activity kept him busy for only a few moments, though, and afterward, Sirius was faced with the many thoughts he had been avoiding since the night at Grimmauld. Sinking onto the sofa, Sirius considered conjuring himself a drink but Cat’s words hovered in the back of his mind reminding Sirius that he had things to deal with.
Prepare yourself for the outcome.
Sirius had learned years ago not to discount anything Catarina said. If she told him he was too weak to resist Lily, then Sirius had no doubt she was right. He still didn’t believe her logic, though. After all, being loved was not high on his list of priorities, no matter what she thought. Had he ever been loved? Sirius shook his head, any memory of such eluding him. Of course, he remembered a time in his childhood when he thought his parents loved him, but their recent actions had proven their so-called love was just an illusion. Was love what he wanted? Sirius tossed the idea around in his head but could come to no definitive answer. Certainly it might be nice, but if things soured as quickly as they had with his parents, Sirius couldn’t imagine ever wanting something like that to befall anybody, much less himself.
The Marauders made him feel needed and Lily definitely made him feel wanted. In some sick twisted way, even Voldemort’s preoccupation with turning one of the Marauders made Sirius feel needed as well. But love? Sirius shuddered at the thought.
And then there was Cat. Sirius struggled with his emotions, unsure of exactly how she made him feel but knowing that, without her, he was somehow less of the man he could be. Where James knew the truth and allowed Sirius to hide from it, Catarina would force Sirius to face the darkest parts of his soul. He had learned some of life’s hardest lessons that way but, in retrospect, Sirius knew her determination was what had taught him to be strong against all odds.
Sirius slumped back into the sofa, running a hand through his hair in exasperation. A fleeting thought told him that allowing James and Cat to meet might not have been the wisest idea. After all, had it not been for them, he would be sufficiently drunk and passed out already just as he had every other night.
Sirius closed his eyes, draping on arm over them to block out the remaining light. He knew he was avoiding it – the image had continually flashed into his mind – but Sirius had managed to force it out each time. But he was slowly running out of things with which to divert his attention and the image was now demanding to be acknowledged.
Even the name made an acidic bile rise from Sirius’ stomach and into his throat. He had been bad enough at Hogwarts, but the idea that his slimy, greasy, rat-tail potion covered hands had been anywhere near Lily made Sirius’ stomach quiver. It wasn’t that it was Lily…Sirius couldn’t face the image of anyone sharing a bed with Severus Snape. James had joked years ago that Snape’s living quarters amounted to nothing more than a janitor’s closet where dirty blood covered entrails used as potion ingredients littered the room. For Sirius who, until recently, had kept an immaculate living space, James’ disgusting description could never be forgotten. To envision Lily, or anyone really, tossing about such a mess in the throws of passion with Snape required all of Sirius’ power not to vomit in his own living room.
When Lily had first befriended Snape, it had been a source of never-ending jokes between the Marauders. Little perky redheaded Lily making friends with the least liked boy at Hogwarts…the concept had amused Sirius to no end. As she’d grown up, though, Sirius had become more and more concerned about the relationship between the two. And when, mere months ago, he had learned that she was hiding a growing involvement with Snape, Sirius’ fears intensified. That Lily suddenly desired to conceal her association with Snape after years of being open had told Sirius one of two things: either they were already lovers or they soon would be.
The idea that Lily had taken on a lover didn’t bother Sirius. He’d made no claim to her and, in fact, had no desire to do so. But, aside from Voldemort or Lucius Malfoy, Sirius could think of no one that could destroy her faster than Snape. The good that lived within her; the innocent desire to better the world; the strong willed fighter she could be - all of the traits that had drawn them together in the first place - those are the ones that Snape could crush in an instant. No one could influence a woman more than her lover, as Sirius well knew, and to have kind and generous Lily influenced by a Death Eater was just something he wasn’t ready to cope with. Losing her to death at the hands of Death Eaters was one thing but having to fight against her was entirely another.
Sirius Lily giving herself to Snape was entirely his fault. She had been hinting at intimacy with him for years and he had always managed to keep her at arms length. Sure, they had shared juvenile kisses and their hands may have wandered a bit more than they should, but Sirius had always known where to draw the line. Then, this year, with graduation looming near and the real world becoming more inevitable, Sirius’ cocky personality had seeped into his relationship with Lily. He began taking chances and risks he would have never thought of before. That, coupled with her new awareness of her own sexuality had forced their relationship into something Sirius had never planned on or, for that matter, wanted. Her curiosity had become so overwhelming she must have sought out someone more willing than he and Sirius had no doubt Snape would have jumped at the opportunity to teach her what she so desperately wanted to learn.
Even in half sleep, Sirius jerked from his revelry at the urgent tone in James’ voice. Turning his head, he saw all the Marauders standing in his doorway, their new wizarding cloaks making them appear quite ominous.
“Dumbledore has summoned the Order.”
Sirius waved him off. “Don’t scare the shit out of me by showing up like that with some stupid news – "
“It’s Lily, Sirius,” Remus cut in. “She’s followed Snape apparently. They were cornered in Diagon Alley.”
“Followed him, did she?” Sirius scowled. “She gets what she deserves then.”
“Sirius!” Peter’s voice was stronger than usual. “They’ll kill her for sure.”
“And that’s my problem because?” Sirius shot back, deciding now was definitely the time for that drink he had been putting off for the past few hours. He conjured the drink but, as he raised it to his lips, James’ hand covered it.
“It’s your problem,” James said solemnly, “because she’s been taken to Grimmauld.”
Sirius desperately wanted not to care. He wanted to leave her and her stupid slimy disgusting lover to meet the end they were destined for. If they believed their actions would go unnoticed by Voldemort then they deserved what they got for being so foolhardy and egotistical. Even Sirius, who was known for making rash decisions, had known enough to plan ahead where Voldemort was concerned.
But, he did care. And glancing at the other Marauders, it was obvious they cared too. He sighed heavily and leaned forward to take a sip of his drink. “Dumbledore has a plan then?”
“Yes. He’s gathering a group to go in – "
“You’re joking, right?” Sirius laughed. “Don’t you think there’s a reason I had to be with each of you when you got into Grimmauld?”
“It’s unplotted,” Remus said quietly, the awe in his voice evident even under the circumstances.
Sirius shrugged. “Dumbledore can mount the biggest army he wants, it won’t help him find them. Even if he could find the house – "
“The corridors,” James nodded. “The house was a maze. They could be anywhere.”
“No,” Sirius shook his head. “If Lily’s at Grimmauld, there’s only one place she’ll be.”
“Sirius – "
“Don’t say it, Remus. Just don’t even say it.” Sirius stood up and began pacing the floor. “You heard her this morning. James, you did too.” Remus began to step toward him but James grabbed his arm and pulled him back, allowing Sirius to pace without interference. “Doesn’t she have to make her own decision? Sure, we’d like her to be on our side, but if she wants to hang out with loverboy Snape and the Death Eaters, who are we to make that choice for her?”
Sirius glanced from one to the other but James had silenced them all with a threatening gaze. “And why on earth should I make any effort to help Dumbledore, who did his best to make my life a living hell while at Hogwarts? For the first time in my life, I planned. Do you understand that? I thought ahead and had a freaking plan! I’ll lose everything!” Sirius fell back onto the sofa, dropping his head in his hands. He could feel their eyes on him but still none of the Marauders spoke.
Sirius drew in a breath to calm his nerves. He knew he had no choice. He couldn’t yet believe Lily had made a conscious choice…his brother had. “We have to do this my way. No arguments,” he said quietly, then turned a pointed gaze to James. “Agreed?”
Although he looked rather uneasy about the idea, James nodded slowly. “Agreed.”
It seemed like they had been preparing for hours, but Sirius knew it couldn’t have been more than twenty minutes. He had been eyeing the clock closely, knowing there was a certain window in which Lily would remain safe. He glanced to Peter and Remus who were attempting to remember Lily’s instructions for creating an emergency portkey. James was pacing through the house, looking for some way to keep himself busy but he seemed to be failing miserably. Although Sirius was grateful that his home now appeared to be cleaner than it had in weeks with James’ repeated cleaning spells being cast throughout. Sirius turned his attention back to his wand. It wasn’t exactly as if he could service it like a muggle weapon, so he focused his attention on cleaning it gently with his cloak. If nothing else, it gave him something to do with his hands until the time came to leave.
Sirius glanced up as James dropped down beside him, huffing slightly from his cleaning spree. “You all right?”
“You’re going alone, aren’t you?” James questioned.
“Yes, I am.” Sirius put his wand aside to give James his full attention.
“Sirius, what did you mean you’d lose everything?”
“Nothing, James. It doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It matters to me,” James said pointedly. “I’d like to know if you are walking in there with a death wish in your head. I’d at least like to be able to tell people how noble you were as you kicked the bucket.”
“Guys?” Peter’s meek voice came from across the room but both Sirius and James ignored him.
Sirius smiled gently. “There’s no need to hide behind jokes, James. I know you’re worried.”
“Hell yes I’m worried,” James lowered his voice as the others looked his direction. “You’ve been running around with a chip on your shoulder until just this morning. I want to know you’re not going to walk in there like a maniac and get yourself killed.” James muttered. “I want to know you’re coming back.”
“Well, then, make sure I have a reason to come back.” Sirius lowered his head towards James. “James, if this goes as I think, Cat will be in danger. She may even be at this very moment. I need you to take care of her. Get her to safety while I’m gone.”
James opened his mouth to object, but Sirius cut him off. “James, I can’t trust anyone else.”
James nodded. “I’ll take care of her.”
“Thank you.” Sirius moved away and began cleaning his wand again.
“Guys?” Peter tried again.
James ignored him. “You know, Regulus may be there.”
Sirius’ muscles tensed but he didn’t reply. He could feel James’ eyes turn to him but he still refused to move.
James gripped his arm tightly. “That’s it? This plan of yours; the meetings with Lucius? You were trying to find a way to save Regulus.”
“I did find a way,” Sirius corrected. “But it will only work once. When I expose myself against Voldemort, my chance is gone.”
The implications were obvious even to James. If Sirius exposed himself to save Lily, he could never save Regulus. Sirius had one chance to save his brother and he was giving it up to go after Lily.
“We’ll find another way.”
“There’s not another way, James,” Sirius murmured. “And we both know it.”
“Guys, will you please listen to me?” Peter moved to stand in front of the two. “I’m not sure what you think is going on but Lily is in danger here. You have no idea what Voldemort will do if he gets his hand on a mudblood like her. Abuse, torture, you just don’t know what he’s capable of.”
“Shut up, Peter,” James’ words were meant as a warning but it was too late.
Sirius stood, towering above Peter, his eyes glittering dangerously. “No, you have no idea. All you know is a bunch of rumors and innuendos that you’ve heard on the street. I know what that man is capable of. I’ve seen what he’s capable of doing to anyone, much less what damage he can inflict on a woman.”
“Yes, Sirius. I’m sorry, I – "
Sirius placed a comforting arm on Peter’s shoulder, but his voice was still a low growl. “Don’t ever lecture me on the dangers of that man, do you understand? I don’t ever want to hear his name again.”
Sirius squeezed Peter’s shoulder to reassure him. “Is the portkey ready?”
“Yes. It will bring you back here.” Remus nodded. “Should we wait for you?”
The hidden meaning of Remus’ words didn’t go unnoticed by Sirius. “No, I have the feeling I won’t be very good company. Besides, if it goes wrong, being here will be the first place they come looking for the three of you.”
“We’ll meet up tomorrow, Remus,” Sirius said winking. “And, man, will I have some stories to tell.”
Sirius slipped into the House of Black easily…he knew all the secret passageways by heart. He had no doubt Lily would be in the library. Voldemort had been drawn to the library’s rich history and it’s relation to everything he so desperately wanted. He would hold Lily in the library, convincing her to stay with his smooth charismatic words, and then would move her into the dungeons where he could do whatever he pleased without fear of intervention. While rescuing her from the catacombs would have been easier, Sirius had no guarantee that Voldemort wouldn’t torture her prior to the move. He had left time for Lily to be made comfortable at Grimmauld but not so much time Voldemort could cause irreparable harm. Out of pure spite, Sirius had procrastinated long enough to give Voldemort time to sufficiently scare her if he so chose.
From the passageway to the library, Sirius could see the meeting going on in the drawing room. Regulus was there, as expected, sitting in a corner by himself. Sirius knew he was waiting to be pulled into the group; knew at this very moment Regulus was silently longing for any of them to recognize him and make him feel like he belonged. Regulus had been jealous of the kinship between the Marauders for years and it only made sense that he would cling to the hope of one day finding such camaraderie. Sirius couldn’t quell the feeling inside of him that told him this would be the last time he saw Regulus alive. His brother, his flesh and blood…
Sirius memories and attempts at a mental goodbye where halted far too soon, however, as Snape appeared in the room. Sirius knew his time was fleeting and he hurried toward the library. Sirius didn’t bother to look in…he knew she would be alone.
“What are you doing here?” Lily’s voice held a note of contempt. “Decided to follow me, did you?”
“As I suspected,” Sirius said as he slipped into the room and shut the door. “Dumbledore has half the students from Hogwarts out rallying to save your life under the belief that you were kidnapped from Diagon Alley. But no,” Sirius shook his head. “You came here with him, didn’t you?”
“By him you mean Severus?”
“Is there anyone else you’d follow into hell?”
“Hell, is it? Looks like a rather cozy and inviting home to me.”
Sirius watched as Lily moved about the room, his patience wearing then. He had not desire to be in the house ever again and yet here he was being told it was cozy? “You probably would feel right at home here,” Sirius seethed. “Seeing how attracted you are to dark wizards and all.”
“Enough, Sirius. When you’ve calmed down we’ll sit down and discuss this but right now you aren’t going to believe anything I say.”
Sirius thrust his fists in his pocket in an attempt to control himself from physically lashing out at her. He was sacrificing his brother for her…could she possibly be more ungrateful? The idea that she didn’t know what she had gotten herself in to crossed his mind, but Sirius quickly pushed it aside. “I’ll never believe anything you have to say again, Lily.”
The raw honesty with which he spoke took Lily off guard, but she refused to bow to him. “So, this is your home. This is where you grew up.”
That she was choosing to ignore him rather than explain her actions cut into Sirius.
“Lily,” Sirius voice was full of anger, “if you were that curious I would’ve brought you here. Coming here this way, with him…”
“You would never have brought me. But that’s beside the point. I didn’t know where we were going.” Lily let her hands slide across the marble desk and Sirius’ anger quickly turned to rage.
He grabbed her arm and yanked her back to face him. “You are in danger. I’m in danger for coming here to get you. So, listen and listen well.” Sirius paused to make certain he had her full attention. “If you want to join them, so be it. I can’t stop you. If you don’t, then I am your only chance out of here. You are in a house full of Death Eaters and you are a filthy despicable mudblood invading their world. So you will make a choice right here and now what path you intend to follow because I will not put my life on the line for the sake of a silly school girl who thinks dark wizards are some mysterious creatures that may provide her a wild ride in bed.”
“How dare you – "
“Save you dramatics for Snape, Lily. Right now, you better make up your fucking mind.”
“I’m not going anywhere with you.”
Sirius scoffed and pushed her away. “I don’t recall asking you to come anywhere with me. If it wasn’t for James guilting me into this I would have let you rot in the dungeons of Grimmauld.”
Something akin to terror crossed her face and Sirius smiled. “Oh, yes, we have dungeons. Fully furnished ones with steel shackles on the wall and rats the size of dogs.” Sirius shrugged. “I suppose Snape could always collect them as potion ingredients when he comes to visit you.”
“Will you leave Snape out of this?” As soon as it was out of her mouth, Lily knew it was the wrong thing to say.
In one stride, Sirius was back at her side, his voice shaking with a fury he couldn’t conceal. “You brought Snape into this. If you didn’t want to stand up for him then perhaps you should’ve considered that before climbing into his bed.”
A sound outside the door caught them both off guard and they both fell silent. His anger temporarily forgotten, Sirius drew his wand with one hand and pulled Lily protectively behind him with the other. The footsteps continued on, however, and Sirius felt a soft tug on his arm. Turning to face her, he couldn’t help but think he was looking into the eyes of a frightened child.
“Sirius, I want to go,” she whispered, her eyes pleading.
Sirius looked away quickly for fear of forgiving her. “I have a portkey. Take it, it will send you back to my place. Once there, go home.”
“I don’t want – "
“This isn’t about what you want anymore, Lily. I’m telling you what you are going to do.” Sirius waited for her to protest but the movement in the hallway seemed to have scared some sense into her.
“I’m not leaving you here.” Although her voice was defiant, Sirius could feel her trembling next to him.
In one swift move, Sirius activated the portkey, shoved it into her hand and stepped away. “Yes, you are.” Before the words were out, she was gone.
Sirius knew he had t find a way out of the house quickly. If he hadn’t been so angry at Lily, he would’ve left with her. But, as it was, he wasn’t thinking very rational anyway. An image of Regulus crossed his mind and Sirius knew he was lying to himself. Somehow, someway, he was hoping he could save them both.
Stepping into the passageway he had entered from, Sirius stopped to watch the Death Eaters congregating in the Grimmauld parlor. Regulus, although now engaged in conversation, still seemed out of place. Sirius couldn’t help but think of how much he resembled Peter. Although amongst friends, Regulus like Peter was with the Marauders seemed a step away from the inner circle. Silently, Sirius was thankful that Peter seemed stronger than his brother…that he had found the strength to remain loyal even when the circle sometimes locked him out. Their similarities were so numerous; Sirius vaguely wondered what it would be like if Regulus had remained true and Peter had become a traitor. Sirius brushed the thought away. It did no good to think of such things…their fates had already been cast. Regulus was a Slytherin and Peter his true brother.
Sirius watched as a flurry of activity stopped the conversations between the Death Eaters. He strained to hear but the sound proof passageway that kept him hidden also prevented him from hearing the discussions going on. It appeared as though they were all leaving together and Sirius couldn’t help but give a self-satisfied chuckle. They were going to go out and celebrate the kidnapping of a mudblood and none had bothered to check that she was already long gone. Sirius smiled, knowing as soon as they were gone he could slip out undetected.
A half hour later, Sirius had slipped out of Grimmauld and was making his way cautiously through the neighborhood. Rather proud of alluding them all, Sirius was in no hurry to get anywhere but was still in defensive mode from the earlier events.
His eyes shifted uneasily over his surroundings. The feeling of being followed just wouldn’t leave. Finally, paces away and hidden in the shadows, Sirius saw him. “Remus?”
Remus stepped out from the shadows, one hand holding his wand and another shoved deep in his pocket. Although the wand wasn’t pointed directly at him, it unnerved Sirius.
“Relax, I told you I’d get out safe.”
“Where have you been?” The low accusing tone in Remus’ voice surprised Sirius.
“You know very well where I’ve been. What’s the matter with you? Full moon coming a bit too early this month?” Sirius’ laughter wasn’t returned.
Sirius caught himself before he spoke. “How should I know?”
“Didn’t you send him off somewhere?”
Sirius sucked in a noticeable breath…he’d sent James to care for Cat but he wasn’t about to tell Remus that. “Enough with the cryptic questions, what’s going on?”
Remus eyed Sirius for a few moments without responding and, whatever he was looking for he apparently didn’t find, as he lowered his wand. “We have to find James unless Peter already has.” Remus put a hand on Sirius’ shoulder. “Voldemort has attacked the Potters.”
Sirius struggled to find his voice. “What do you mean attacked?”
“They’re dead, Sirius. All of them.”
Sirius was numb, Remus’ words echoing into the hollow of his mind without comprehension. The Potters? Sirius’ body began to sway as he tried to process what Remus was telling him. Before Remus could catch him, Sirius fell to his knees. Struggling to keep from passing out, Sirius took spurts of shallow breath to try and regain control.
“Sirius.” Remus was kneeling beside him, his face contorted in an odd mixture of anger and concern. “You didn’t know.”
Sirius wasn’t sure how he was supposed to have known. He’d been off saving Lily at their request for goodness’ sakes. Sirius couldn’t speak but shook his head.
“My friend, I’m sorry. I thought,” Remus shook his head. “Never mind that now. Sirius, I’m sorry.” Remus clasped Sirius into his arms, his strong arms allowing Sirius a safe place to shed his tears.
Sirius broke free. “Take me to the Potters, Remus.”
“He’ll be there by now. He shouldn’t find them alone.”
“There’s nothing to find, Sirius,” Remus said quietly. “There’s nothing left. Not even the house.”
James beat them to the house.
When they arrived, James was sitting a few feet away from the charred hole where his house once stood. Where Sirius and he had slept on the porch on hot summer nights; where James’ family opened their door and hearts to Sirius when everyone else turned him away. James had his knees pulled tightly to his chest, his wand lying useless at his feet. Sirius and Remus sank on either side of him, none knowing what to say. As usual, though, James led them where they needed to go.
“I’m joining the Order,” he said softly, looking at neither Marauder for permission or approval.
“We all will, James,” Sirius returned.
“He has to be stopped,” Remus added. “Everyone’s future depends on it.”
“To hell with the future!” Sirius shouted but James put a heavy hand on his arm to quiet him. Sirius couldn’t understand…how could James be so calm? How could he not be angry?
“Do you think they felt anything?” James asked and Sirius sucked in a breath. Now he understood...James no longer had it in him to be angry. The knowledge that the boy he had known for so many years was suddenly grown filled Sirius with sadness.
“No, I don’t.” Sirius answered forcefully. “It would’ve been over in an instant.”
“I supposed that’s what’s important.” James whispered. “She’s safe, Sirius,” he said off handedly.
Ignoring Remus’ questioning stare, Sirius’ body trembled. James had kept Cat safe…why hadn’t Sirius been able to do the same for James’ family?
“Will they come back?”
James glanced from one to the other. “I think then that I’d like to stay here for awhile.”
“Of course,” Remus nodded as he stood up to leave. “You’ll summon if you need us?”
James nodded and grabbed Sirius’ arm as he began to leave. “Sirius?”
Sirius dropped to his knees, willing himself not to cry as tears began to form in James’ eyes. “You’ll go with me to the Order? Tomorrow morning, first thing?”
Sirius nodded and squeezed his arm tightly. “I’ll follow you anywhere, James. Whatever you want, it’s yours.”
James nodded and, as his emotions began to overwhelm him, Sirius stepped away to leave him alone.
Sirius wasn’t sure how he finally managed to get Remus to leave him alone. Remus seemed determined to follow him home, probably afraid Sirius was going to do something rash and retaliatory and get himself killed before they could even join the Order. Sirius, of course, had no intention of doing any such thing. All he wanted was to go home, to be alone to grieve the loss of the only true family he’d ever known. After what felt like an eternity and a hundred promises to behave, though, Remus had finally separated from him and allowed him to return home to find solace however he could.
He alternated between pure shock and hatred to wails of unfairness and tragedy. But most of all, Sirius’ despair was blinding to anything but his own emotions. Dropping his wand, he lunged at every personal possession he had. He threw trinkets into the wall, tore fabric from the furniture and turned over every bookshelf in his path.
Sirius whirled to see Lily watching him timidly from the hallway.
“You!” Sirius’ angry voice made her retreat. “I told you not to come here!”
Lily tried fearfully to rush into the bedroom and block the door but Sirius kicked it open.
“You shouldn’t be alone,” Lily whispered softly trying to soothe him.
“And just what do you know about?” Sirius stopped paces away from her. “You knew what they were planning?”
“No, of course not.”
“If you’re lying to me, I swear – "
“I’m not, Sirius, I swear!” Lily moved to touch him, determined to break through his wall. “Remus told me. He came looking for you.”
“Stay away from me.” Sirius yanked off his cloak and used it to shove all his belongings off the chest of drawers.
“This wasn’t your fault, Sirius.”
“Just stop with your damned incessant do good charade, alright? I know better.”
“You don’t know anything! You refuse to listen to anybody. If you’d just let me – "
“Let you what?” Sirius threw a vase toward her, missing her by mere inches. “Try and explain why I’ve lost my brother? Why you slept with Snape? Why the Potters are dead and I couldn’t do a damn thing to prevent it?”
“Stop blaming yourself!”
Sirius’ voice dropped a level, his anger so overwhelming he was finally beyond yelling. “I don’t need your patronizing. I need to bring James’ family back.”
“I know they are the closest thing to a family you’ve ever had but, Sirius, this is his loss not yours.”
“Sirius – "
Sirius grabbed her arm and jerked her toward the door. “Get out or I’ll tear you to shreds myself.”
“I’m not afraid of you.” Lily broke loose. “I don’t care how angry you are, you’d never hurt me!”
“You are not welcome here,” Sirius growled menacingly.
“I’m not leaving.”
“What do you want from me?” Sirius’ anger caused the Black family crystal to explode, shards of glass showering the entire room. “I have nothing to give you, don’t you understand?” Sirius shook her violently. “I have nothing left!”
Lily lifted her chin, meeting his icy glare straight on. “Coward! You are so terrified of everyone leaving that you refuse to live!” Urgency coursed through her veins, leaving no room for rationality and reason.
In one forward motion, she crashed into him, refusing to allow Sirius even a moment to reject her.
He took a perverse pleasure in her challenge, despair ebbing away as a sense of foolhardy strength took over. Gripping her waist, already pressed to his own, he forced a punishing and angry kiss to her lips, determined to prove to himself that he was immune to her.
For a moment, it seemed that he had won as the muscles in her body released slightly beneath his hands, but, as quickly as it had gone, her determined presence returned. Her lips were moving against his now, passionate and purposeful.
Savage intensity coursed through him as she met him blow for blow, nails digging slightly, tantalizingly across the exposed skin of his neck. His logic, his sanity – the shell Sirius had so carefully built around himself - shattered. For a moment, Sirius thought he could hear the pieces clattering to the floor.
The shock of her touch ran through him and, hatred flooded through him for everything that had been put on his shoulders. Refusing to care if he hurt her, his grip tightened, imprisoning her against the wall. Distantly it occurred to him that if he could only have gripped her hands, drawn them away from his collar, he mightn’t have lost control, but the thought was gone now as her lips seared a path down his neck and chest – hungry fingers clawing at his clothes.
In a swift movement, her arms were locked above her head, bare flesh exposed to him. His eyes trailed her a moment but, as a heaving gasp escaped her lungs, the last shreds of a controlled mind slipped, giving way to ravenous lust and he sunk teeth into her warm pink flesh.
Cries of longing and unbridled need exploded from her throat as he dragged his calloused hands roughly across her skin. The feel of fingernails digging into his back drove him further into maddening as he pressed her tighter to the wall, gripping her thighs around his waist.
Violently, he threw her upon the bed and crashed into her, smothering her lips with demanding mastery. Strangled moans escaped as gasps for breath as she grasped his chest to pull him closer, her nails bringing trickles of blood as she sought to pull him ever closer.
Breath caught in his throat, Sirius’ reaction to her violence was instantaneous. Twisting her hair into his fingers, Sirius yanked her head back and buried his teeth into the hollow of her neck. With surprising swiftness, Sirius came for Lily, her body welcoming him as she sought release. Her moans became deeper, her thrashing more uncontrollable and Sirius was forced to release her arms for fear of her hurting herself. Lily’s fingers dug into his skin once again and Sirius tried to ignore the pain as Lily’s screams of his name began to tear into his soul.
With sudden clarity, Sirius understood. Lily hadn’t been with Snape, she hadn’t been with anyone. She knew him better than almost anyone. She had chosen to come to him now, when she knew he would be unable to tell her no. When his defenses were at his lowest, she was offering him the safe haven he so greatly needed and the touches she so desperately craved. That she used him didn’t bother Sirius in the least. But the idea that he had so viciously come for her with so little disregard for her feelings burned inside him. Why had he not let her explain about Snape? It would have prevented the entire thing. That she was calling for him…Sirius… and no one else tore into him and he took a deep steadying breath.
Sirius’ lips parted hers gently, silencing her words with his breath. “It’s okay, Lily.” His words were soft in her ear, his touches and kisses now calm and reassuring.
She clung tightly to him as erratic spasms of ecstasy and relief surged through her. Ignoring his own needs, he kissed her face, wiping the sweat from her forehead as he waited for her breathing to return to normal. Sirius knew Lily’s physical needs had been so deep they frightened her and he studied her closely to make sure her fears had subsided along with her body’s tremors. Although exhausted, she offered him a tiny smile of reassurance. Knowing she was going to be alright, Sirius rolled onto his back, a physical and emotional exhaustion like he’d never known overwhelming him. The thought that he might have used her as well flittered in the recesses of his mind, but Sirius was too weak from the night’s events to even give it a cursory examination. His mind void of anything but uncontainable grief, Sirius closed his eyes and, in mere moments, he was asleep.
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