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A Dummy's Guide To Invading Hogwarts by Andie
Chapter 12 : Totally (Ir)Relevant
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 7

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Chapter 12: Totally (Ir)Relevant

"And then he stabbed me! Right in the eye! The eye I say!" Harry exclaimed as he retold his horrible nightmare to his friends. Ron and Hermione seemed to be the only two out of the four there that were really concerned. Andie and Krysta were busy playing 'Don't Be A Dork.' Krysta, at the present moment, was impersonating a grape that didn't think it was time for it to be made into wine.

"No, no Monsieur! I don't want to be wine! Oh mon dieu!" Krysta was whining in a poor French accent. Seeing as she was from Canada, you'd think she'd be able to do a better job.

"Well, Harry, the only thing I could say to you is-"

"Nothing says 'I want to kill you' like a combat knife in the eye," Andrea cut in. Ron and Hermione glared at her. Harry turned a bit paler then he already was as he plopped into a scarlet, over stuffed chair.

"Don't listen to her, Harry. Everything is going to be alright. But what I was going," Hermione looked pointedly at Andrea, who crossed her fingers to form a cross and hissed, "to say was that you should go see Dumbledore about it." Harry had given Hermione a stern look.

"I'm not going to go see Dumbledore. It's just a nightmare, maybe I have an overactive imagination or something," Harry said.

"I didn't know you had an imagination!" Andrea perked up. Hermione glared back at Andrea and she once again sulked back into her chair.

"I dunno, Harry," Ron stated. "Having a dream about you arch nemesis and having him stab you in the eye is pretty serious." Harry rolled his eyes.

"I'm not going to bother him with something this miniscule. Come on, just forget about it. The only reason I told you is because I would have to tell you sooner or later," Harry said.

"So you're saying that, the only reason you confide in us is because we would weasel it out of you anyways? Oh well, excuse me for trying to be a nice friend and being there to listen to your problems," Hermione sneered. Harry sighed.

"It's not like that Hermione. It's just that I don't want to burden you guys with my stupid problems."

"Aww, honey!" Andrea cooed, making a baby face. Hermione looked sympathetically at Harry.

"Your problems aren't stupid Harry. There just, complex. That's all. Now come on. Were going to go see Dumbledore about this dream of yours. You said your scar hurt when you woke up right? There, proof enough that we should go," Ron said.

"No. I'm not going to bother him with this," Harry replied.

"Harry. . ." Hermione pressed.

"No!" There was aloud thump as Krysta fell from her chair onto the floor.

"Come on, kid. Even I think you should go. Combat knifes are never a good sign, no matter where you are. Except maybe at Aunt Ester's house. She's really paranoid, you know. Thinks the whole world is out to get her. But combat knives are a bit on the small side at her place. . ." rambled Krysta, absentmindedly rubbing her butt. Andrea looked like she'd had revelation.

"Hey! Maybe this means you want to join the army! Well, if you do, join the Canadian army, we could use you. Our army currently consists of three guys named Bob, some plastic forks and a couple flying squirrels." Ron looked queerly at Andrea.

". . .flying squirrels?" Krysta patted Ron on the shoulder.

"Don't worry your little head over it. It's beyond you." Ron turned his look towards Krysta after this comment, staring at her very confused.

"Anyways, I'm not going," Harry continued to protest. "And I'm not joining the army. Especially the Canadian Army. In the last war the Americans said 'bring guns!' and you guys brought buns." Andrea seemed very put-off and crossed her arms across her chest and began to pout.

"Well, Harry. What do you suggest we do? We can't just go on with the day knowing you had a dream about V-," Ron involuntarily trembled, ". . .He- Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, then. Geez, Ron. Get over it."

"Come on. Let's go." Andrea said standing up and grabbing Harry's forearm. "If I have to drag you there, I will." Harry looked at her and tried to free his arm, with no luck.


"Let me go!" Harry hissed as Andrea, Krysta, Ron and Hermione physically carried Harry to Dumbledore's office. "Come on, guys! We can work this out! Hey, hey! Krysta! I'll give you a goldfish! Let go! Please!"

"Krysta don't you dare let him go," Andrea growled with a sneer just as Krysta was about to let go of his leg. Soon they were in front of the doors to the office. They were all about to open the doors when they heard voices inside. They all leaned in close and pressed their ears to the door to hear more clearly.

". . .I'm sure if something was wrong, Harry would inform me."

"No, I don't think you understand. I'm not concerned about his well being, I'm worried about the situation. . ." Dumbledore seemed to ignore Snape's insistence.

"Yes, yes, of course, Severus. Lemon drop?" They heard Snape growl frustratedly.

"Albus, are you listening to anything I'm saying?"

"Severus, I assure you, I understand your concern and the Order is doing all they can. You know that as well as I do. Everyone is working very hard to find out what they can about Voldemort's plans."

"But, sir. Potter -" Snape stopped abruptly and there was silence. They heard muffled footsteps and the door was yanked open, causing them all to tumble to the floor of Professor Dumbledore's office.

Andrea, who had landed directly at Snape's feet, smirked as she gazed up at an upside down visage of Angry Snape. "Hey, Snape, I can see your doodle." Krysta snorted, Snape glared and dug the toe of his boot painfully into her shoulder. She winced and attempted to bite his boot, which he quickly moved out of the way.

"My apologies," he sneered, clearly sarcastic. Dumbledore just watched them, vaguely amused. Snape glared back at the group.

"What the hell are you kids doing here anyways?" Snape spat.

"I. . .uh. . .had. . ." Harry spluttered. Krysta sighed.

"He had a dream that Voldemort poked his eye out." Andie snapped up her arm and pointed at Snape.

"And YOU were in it!"

"Harry, is this true?" Dumbledore asked, frowning concernedly.

"Yes, but -"

"Harry, this is very serious."

"Really, it's not a big -"

"Harry, you're in denial," Hermione interrupted, causing Harry to look increasingly more frustrated. Krysta grinned, looking excited.

"Harry, you're Cleopatra," she said.

"Queen of Denial," Andie finished for her (A/N: Get it?!?!?!). They looked at each other and then collapsed in a fit of giggles.

"Harry, they're right," Dumbledore insisted. "Never thought I'd say that," he added thoughtfully.

"WHY IS EVERYONE MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF THIS?!?!?!?!?! For Merlin's sake, stop talking about me! Stop saying my name!" he screamed.

"Well, what do you want us to call you?" Hermione retorted.

"Yeah. Cleopatra?" Ron suggested sarcastically. Krysta had climbed up off the floor and was slowly inching toward the painting of Armando Dippet.

"Actually, that's kind of catchy," she observed, climbing onto a chair so that she could better reach the painting, which she promptly began to tickle. "I could call him Miss Cleo and get psychic advise from him." Dippet seemed to be getting very uncomfortable, running around the painting to get away from her fingertips.

"Krysta, stop harassing the paintings," Hermione scolded. Krysta jumped, looking shocked.

"I never!" she exclaimed, outraged.

"Yes, you did. I saw you. Look at Dippet's face."

Armando Dippet was, indeed, standing on the table in the painting, attempting to climb away from the girl's curious fingers. Krysta's face crumbled and she melodramatically bit the knuckle of her index finger, whining and collapsing against Snape, who looked completely disgusted by the physical contact with the girl.

"Get off me," he ordered immediately. Andrea sighed and moved toward them, attempting to pry Krysta off of their potions professor. Her hand brushed against his robed bicep and she instantly froze, a look of concentration plastered on her face. Her hand slowly moved to his arm and she squeezed his bicep. Her face then took on an impressed expression.

"Snapey, you've been holding out on us." Krysta cocked her head and examined the area near Snape's abdomen.

"What else are you holding out on?" she muttered, the double entendre completely obvious. She started fiddling with his robes, attempting to get through them to his pants. He frowned and swatted her hand away.

"Desist," he commanded. "Ten points from Gryffindor."

Dumbledore arched a bushy gray brow at them, but was too curious to stop them.

Krysta scooped up Snape's hand and held apart his thumb and forefinger.

"You know that rumor about the tip of your thumb and the tip of your index finger," she murmured. It seemed the only person who didn't know this rumour was Ron. Snape promptly turned a shade paler than he normally was and shoved Krysta away from him, causing her to trip over her own feet and fall to the floor. She laid still for a moment and no one said anything, but then she hooked her hands around his ankle. Andie smirked.

"Snapey, what size feet do you where?" He seemed to have figured out that telling her to stop calling him that only made her say it more. He growled, rolling his eyes.

"Twelve," he admitted reluctantly.

"Well, you know what they say about men with big feet," Krysta said, grinning. Andie feigned confusion.

"They have big toes?"

"No, silly," Krysta started girlishly. "It means they have a big -"


Professor Dumbledore seemed to think it was in everyone's best interests to cough at that precise moment and he shot Andrea and Krysta warning glances. He was the headmaster, after all.

"Harry ." Dumbledore stumbled over his words when the boy shot him a glare. "My apologies. Er . Miss Cleo," he corrected with a faint grin, causing Krysta to snigger. Before he could continue, Andrea climbed up off the ground and dusted off, jumping slightly in surprise when her gaze landed on Snape.

"What are you still doing here?" she demanded, putting her hands on her hips. Snape glared at her, not answering. Dumbledore continued.

"Could you please recount the nightmare for me?" Harry sighed and told the story over again, Dumbledore's expression not giving away his emotion. When he was finished, Dumbledore said nothing for a moment. "Thank you. If you could excuse us, Professor Snape and I need to discuss something." Harry nodded and he and the group of students moved to the door. "Oh, and Harry?" He turned. "Stay alert," he advised.

"And stay safe!" Andrea and Krysta chorused, giggling madly as they stumbled out of the doorway.

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