Chapter 2 : 2. We're Off To A Remote Island In The Middle Of Nowhere!
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*Ten years has magically passed, (Well, it would, this story is all about magic, anyway!)and Harry wakes up in the cupboard under the stairs. *
'Am I Superman yet?' asked Harry, as he woke up to disappointedly discover that he was, in fact, NOT Superman. 'Damn.' he cursed. 'Pernickety?' asked his extremely fat cousin, Dudley, as he pounded down the stairs. 'Don't worry!' yelled back Harry. 'PIZZA!' Dudley demanded as Harry came out of the closest (literally) and went into the kitchen. 'Pizza throwing time, Dudders!' called Mrs. Dursley as Harry entered the kitchen and reluctantly picked up a pizza that was sitting on the counter and threw it across the room. 'Ahahahahahahahahaha!' laughed Mr. Dursley suddenly, the second the word 'Pizza' was mentioned. He was rolling around on the ground for several minutes, but nobody else seemed to care.
'You know what?' asked Mrs. Dursley. 'No, what?' said Harry. 'We should go to a remote island in the middle of nowhere!' said Mrs. Dursley. 'Then maybe you could try and become Superman, Harr...' Suddenly a howler flew through then window and opened itself in mid-air, just to show off. 'Harry's destiny is PIZZAMAN!!!!!!!! NOT SUPERMAN!' boomed Dumbledore's voice from wherever the voice comes from in the howlers. Then it exploded in Dudley's face, leaving, for some strange reason, a pig's tail coming out of his butt. 'Fluffy!!!!!' Dudley yelled, pointing at his bum. 'Who cares, Dudders. It's pizza throwing time again! 1....2...3!' she yelled and everyone threw pizzas across the room. Don't ask me where they got them from. They just appeared. Like magic. Hey, wait a minute! It WAS magic! Again! Ha! Anyway, back to whatever I was talking about. Oh, yeah, Mr. Dursley was rolling around on the floor, laughing, and, to Mrs. Dursley's annoyance, NOT throwing pizzas across the room.
'Anyway, where was I?' asked Mrs. Dursley. 'Oh, yes. Let's go to the abandoned hut on the remote island in the middle of nowhere.' she finished. 'Excellent idea, Petunia. But shouldn't we get that tail um, out of Dudley first?' said Mr. Dursley, so proud that he finally got a line that wasn't just laughing. 'No, because it's pizza throwing time again!' exclaimed Mrs. Dursley. You know what happens next, so in future, if it's pizza throwing time, just imagine Harry throwing a stale Hawaiian pizza like an evil villain he is tossing out of the way, Dudley throwing a stale chicken satay pizza like a Frisbee, while hopping around in discomfort at the fact he has a tail, and Mr. Dursley rolling around with laughter because Mrs. Dursley said 'pizza'.
'This is gonna be a long car ride.' said Harry.
*Three hours, and a LOT of pizza throwing in Mr. Dursley's really cheap, squashed, bright fluorescent pink mini, later... *
'Are we there YET?' Harry badgered Mr. Dursley for the two hundred and seventy third time. 'Yes!' replied Mrs. Dursley excitedly. 'Finally!' said Harry and Mr. Dursley together.
(a/n: I still don't know how they managed to drive all the way to a remote island in the middle of the ocean, but I think it must be a magic floating car.) They were met at the front gate to the house by a person named swirling_vortex. 'That will be four dollars sixty every time you go through the gate. Have nice day!' she said. 'We have to pay to get into our house?!' asked Mr. Dursley. 'Yep, that's what I just said! Have a nice day! Buh bye now!' she replied. They paid the $4.60 and drove into the conveniently placed garage. They walked inside and Mrs. Dursley started placing pizzas all around the house and declared the usual pizza throwing time every five minutes.
'Now, what shall we have for dinner?' asked Mrs. Dursley. 'Pizza!' yelled Dudley. Mr. Dursley began to roll around laughing again. 'You always say that, sweetums. Harry, you decide what to have.' said Mrs. Dursley. 'Um, how about Superman-enhancing-power-burgers?' replied Harry. 'OK, dear,' replied Mrs. Dursley, even though she had no idea what Superman-enhancing-power-burgers were. 'Hey, look, a lightning storm!' exclaimed Harry. 'Maybe if I stand in the middle of it, I'll be struck by lightning and given Super powers! Yes!' He rushed outside with a metal rod he just happened to find on the ground. 'AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!' he yelled from outside as he was hit by a stroke of lightning. He came back a few minutes later, just after one of Mrs. Dursley's famous pizza throwing times, looking extremely frazzled and without any super powers, Superman or Pizzaman wise.
At the same time as all this, Dumbledore was sitting at his desk, (I know. It's holidays and he's STILL at school?) looking into his thingy which lets him watch Harry's every move, looking rather evil and muttering to himself 'Why does Harry want to become Superman so badly? WHY WILL HE NOT BECOME PIZZAMAN?! WHY?! WHY?!' he yelled. 'Don't ask me, I'm just a phoenix who isn't even supposed to be talking or introduced until the next book.' said Fawkes, the phoenix who isn't even supposed to be talking or introduced until the next book. 'Never mind. Hagrid will be arriving any minute now. He will make sure that Harry's destiny is clear.' said Dumbledore, completely ignoring Fawkes, the phoenix who isn't even supposed to be talking or introduced until the next book
As the Dursleys and Harry are about to sit down to dinner (the Superman-enhancing-power-burgers, which are just plain hamburgers with a secret ingredient (squashed spiders) but nobody seemed to notice.) Hagrid suddenly busted down the door with a few expert kicks and stale pizzas. 'Thank you for reminding me. Everyone, it's pizza throwing time again. You know the drill.' said Mrs. Dursley. 'Oooookay. Um, excuse me. I'm Hagrid, the most powerful pizza ninja in the wizarding world and the gamekeeper at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I'm here to...' he looked at Mr. Dursley, who was rolling around on the floor in hysterical laughter. 'Would you shut up? This is NOT a joke! I'm completely serious!' growled Hagrid. 'Oh, don't mind him. He breaks into uncontrollable laughing fits when someone says the word 'pizza',' said Harry. Mr. Dursley started laughing even harder. 'Whoops, I set him off again.'
'Um, yeah, anyhoo, I'm here to take you, Harry Potter, to Hogwarts to learn magic!' announced Hagrid. 'I'm a wizard?' asked Harry. ' O' course you are, Harry. And your parents were too. Well, before they were killed in a car crash, involving a drunken teenager who had eaten too many pizzas.' concluded Hagrid. 'A car crash? I thought that they were killed by a really evil wizard whose name nobody ever says. You lied to me!' Harry accused Mr. and Mrs. Dursley. 'No, we thought that the thing about the car crash would be too disturbing for you.' explained Mrs. Dursley. 'And the evil wizard version wasn't?' asked Harry. 'Well, um...' she checked her watch. 'O my god! It's been six minutes since the last pizza-throwing time! I missed it! NOOOOOO!' While she is having a major breakdown, Harry and Hagrid manage to slip out of the door, past the sleeping gate toll person and away into Hagrid's stylish silver Porsche convertible. They drove off to Diagon Alley, where they bought all of Harry's school stuff, like his robes, owl, wand, books about studying pizzas and pizza-ditch supporters gear. (Pizza-Ditch is my whack version of Quidditch. I will explain the rules in my next chapter/part of the story.) And somewhere in there they got some money out of Harry's vault at Gringotts. Turns out that he's a stinking rich millionaire.
Anyway, that brings us to the end of Chapter 2: We're Off To A Remote Island In The Middle Of Nowhere. Please review!!!!!!
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by Lily Aurora