Chapter 1 : Attack of the Pizzas
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HARRY: Goes into every small, enclosed space, to see if he will turn into Superman.
RON: Obsessed with garlic bread and his pet pizza cutter, 'Sir Cuts-It-All'
HERMIONE: Pizza know-it-all.
DRACO: Obsessed with Hawaiian pizza, e.g.: WHAT?! You love meat lovers? What's so good about that!? What about Hawaiian?!
HAGRID: Pizza ninja.
DUMBLEDORE: Obsessed with trying to turn Harry into Pizzaman and always talks about how cool he is.
McGonagall: Way in-your-face.
MR. DURSLEY: Whenever someone says the word 'pizza' he breaks into uncontrollable laughing fits.
MRS. DURSLEY: Insists that pizzas be thrown across the room every five minutes.
DUDLEY: Vocabulary is limited to three words: fluffy, pizza and pernickety*.
SNAPE: Sleepwalks everywhere in his pizza covered pyjamas.
MADAME HOOCH: Is extremely scared of getting cooties from her students.
And now on with the story..... dun dun dun!!!!!
Mr. and Mrs. Dursley of number 4, Privet Drive, were proud to say that they were absolutely, certainly NOT normal, thank you very much. They were the most obvious people in the WHOLE WORLD to be involved with such things as witchcraft and wizardry. Mr. Dursley was, well, FAT, Mrs. Dursley was skin and bones and Dudley, their son, was so spoiled he had never even SEEN anyone work a day in his or their life, even on his six televisions.
Anyway, the story begins on a dark and stormy night, when the... oh, wait, wrong story. THIS story begins on a slightly windy night (That was because SOMEONE I’m not saying who… Dumbledore… farted). A man, wearing a dark bathrobe and a bright red cloak with a giant letter 'P' on it, appeared, as if by magic (Oh, wait, it was magic! Ha ha ha!) At the end of Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey.
Nothing like this man had ever been seen on Privet Drive. Oh, except for that Gandalf dude from Lord of the Rings, which all the kids in number 26 are addicted to. And that Pizza Wizard delivery guy. Anyway, we're getting side tracked here.
The man walked down Privet Drive, then stopped at the garden wall of number 4. A tabby cat, wearing over-sized square rimmed glasses sat on it. When Dumbledore approached, the cat suddenly transformed into a woman. ‘I never, ever thought I'd be seeing you here, Professor McGonagall!' gasped Dumbledore excitedly. 'I'm so glad you made it!'
'I thought you were bringing the pizza.' McGonagall replied.
'What pizza? Oh. Oh, that pizza! Why don't you just conjure some for yourself?' said Dumbledore.
'You're supposed to be the all-powerful wizard, here. You conjure it.' she said.
'Why should I conjure it? I am cool! But, wait, if I DO conjure the pizza, then you will think more highly of me for conjuring a cool pizza!' said Dumbledore thoughtfully. 'Okay, what do you want?'
'What? I totally DON'T want pizza anymore. Pizza is so ... five minutes ago.' McGonagall replied.
'But it's only been two minutes!' Dumbledore protested.
'I DON'T CARE!!!' yelled McGonagall.
'Would you prefer a sherbet lemon?' Dumbledore offered. McGonagall sighed and looked up at the sky. Then she turned back to Dumbledore. ‘How is Harry getting here anyway?'
'Hagrid is bringing him.' replied Dumbledore.
‘You really think that's a good idea?' asked McGonagall.
'Of course, I would trust Hagrid with my life.' said Dumbledore. ‘He is, after all, the most powerful pizza ninja in the wizarding world.'
A loud 'Hooooooooy-Yah!' broke the silence between them, as a stale large Hawaiian pizza landed in front of them, announcing Hagrid's arrival. Next a large I. F. P (Identified Flying Pizza) landed next to the stale Hawaiian.
'Hagrid! At last! And where did you get that AWESOME I.F.P?' said Dumbledore.
‘I bought it from that Sirius Black, Sir. Great salesman. Convinced me to get another 300 years insurance for only $199.99.’ Said Hagrid. He then takes out random pizzas from his coat and starts throwing them onto the street in every direction.
‘I got him, Sir.’ Said Hagrid, finally pulling a bundle of blankets out of his coat. ‘It’s really weird though, Sir. He keeps goin’ into me coat pockets, comin’ out again and saying “Me Superman?” It doesn’t make any sense, Sir.’
‘Oh, no!’ gasped Dumbledore. ‘He’s already realised that he’s famous and he’s trying to become Superman and be even more famous! It’s a disaster!’
‘Why?’ asked McGonagall and Hagrid in unison.
‘Because now he won’t live out his destiny as Pizzaman! NOOOOOO!!!!!’ Dumbledore looks into the bundle of blankets that Hagrid is holding and sees Harry’s Superman logo-shaped scar.
‘Oh, no! Why is it always the Superman logo?! Will NO ONE become Pizzaman?!’ yelled Dumbledore. I swear if wizards are supposed to be inconspicuous, these guys are definitely NOT doing a great job right now.
‘Who is Pizzaman, anyway?’ asked McGonagall.
‘You don’t know who PIZZAMAN IS?!’ Where have you been for the last…FOREVER?!’ shouted Dumbledore, all inconspicuousness thrown out of the window.
‘I’ve been, like, around.’ Said McGonagall. ‘Now tell me who Pizzaman is!’
‘Only the greatest superhero to walk, um, I mean float on his I.F.P, around the Earth! He can shoot stringy mozzarella webs, squash people to thin crust size and foil all evildoers! Ha, ha, ha! He, of course, is not as cool as me! He, he, he!’ Dumbledore finished triumphantly. He looked at McGonagall, who was not listening.
‘AHEM!’ said Dumbledore.
‘Oh, did you say something?’ McGonagall asked innocently.
‘What?!’ Dumbledore fumed.
‘Um, excuse me Sir, but can I just say goodbye? I need to get to my lecture on the art of Pizza Ninjary at the University of Pizza Hut.’ Said Hagrid.
‘Of course, Hagrid. You wouldn’t think I was cool if I kept you waiting’ Dumbledore replied.
Hagrid gave Harry an almost stale chicken satay pizza and took off on his I.F.P.
‘Bye, Hagrid!’ called Dumbledore. Then he placed Harry on the doorstep of number 4, with a letter explaining that Harry MUST become Pizzaman for the good of the world as we know it!(At least HE thinks so. He has no proof) He murmured ‘Good luck, Harry Potter, future Pizzaman to be.’ And in a swish of his badly sewn Pizzaman cloak, he was gone.
A breeze ruffled the extremely untidy hedges of Privet Drive, which lay with noisily bickering postboxes under the inky black sky, the very place where you would expect astonishing things to happen. In fact, they were so sure that these things would happen, they had the place on 24/7 news watch. That’s how they got all the good bits for the movie that made millions: Harry Potter: Exposed! Anyway, on the doorstep of number 4, Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, um, I mean, Pizzaman-to-be. ‘Thank you! SOMEONE finally understands Harry’s true destiny! (Dumbledore). Um, thanks. I think. Anyway, he knew nothing of this all, and quite frankly, couldn’t care less.
Author’s Note: I promise you now that my very first reviewer will be included in one of my chapters, probably as a Hogwarts student. And every reviewer will receive a free box of invisible, air flavoured pizza!
* Pernickety means over-precise or fussy.