Chapter 1 : Defeating Pottie
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Dedicated to my friend Pheonix, (rebornpheonix, go look at her account) who gave me the idea.
Assume NOT what I had made you assume in the earlier stories, but assume a new assumption which I shall make you assume.
Assume that our dear Lord Voldie went surfing the web in some Muggle house. ASSUME THAT.
Do not question the assumption, and do not ask how he got there.
Just assume it.
So I shall assume that you have assumed that, meaning that I will assume that you have assumed what I told you to assume.
Therefore, you must assume what I assume you have assumed, and I will assume you have assumed what I have assumed you have assumed, which is what you should assume.
Lord Voldie was on the web. (A/N: This is what I told you to assume.)
He had, in a gesture of brilliance, Googled Harry Potter. He found…ta-da!...www.harrypotterfanfiction.com!! What a co-inky-dink!!
Lord Voldie is not stupid. In fact, he came up with an idea. (lightbulb!!)
He clicked on “Search” and in the keyword box, typed “How to Defeat Harry Potter.”
Ooh. Twenty-eight matches. Voldie clicked on the first one, “How Voldie Shall Defeat Pottie.” Voldie was a little bit insulted at the way fanficcers were always calling him “Voldie,” (wink-wink) but he decided to let it go. They were, after all, letting him in on the secret of…(drumroll please!)…HOW TO DEFEAT POTTIE.
Voldie skipped all the dramatic romancy chapters and went straight to the last one: “Pottie Defeated At Last.” He read avidly.
“Harry apparated in front of Voldie. ‘I shall defeat you!!’ he cried.
Voldie ducked as Harry threw avocadoes at him. One avocado narrowly missed the entrance to Voldie’s _____. (I shall let you finish this sentence on your own. For all you innocents, I was merely talking about Voldie’s nasal passageways.)
‘You think you can defeat me with mere avocadoes?’ Voldie thundered. ‘Well, I have…COCONUTS!!’
‘Oh, no!’ Harry squeaked in fright. ‘Not coconuts!! Anything but coconuts!! Here, take a couple avocadoes!’
‘No, thank you,’ Voldie said politely. ‘I am allergic to avocadoes. They make me throw up. What were we talking about? Oh, yes! I HAVE…COCONUTS!!’
‘No!’ Harry’s protested. ‘I’m sorry, but…I don’t think coconuts taste good! I don’t even like coconut cream pie!’
‘You…you…you don’t like coconut cream pie?’ he repeated, shocked. Harry hung his head.
‘I’m sorry, Voldie,’ he apologized.
‘Well, that’s okay,’ Voldie soothed. ‘I won’t make you eat them, then. I’ll just throw them at you.’
‘Whew!’ Harry said, relieved.
Harry fell down after the coconut hit his head. Voldie scratched his head in confusion.
‘Hmm…that sounded pretty hollow to me,’ he puzzled. ‘You can’t be that stupid, can you? Oh yeah, you are! You do, after all, dislike coconuts!!’
Harry sat up feebly. ‘You shall never defeat me!’ he gasped. Voldie smiled.
‘Oh, yes I will!’ he said.
‘No you won’t!’
‘Yes I will!’
Voldie took Harry by the arm and dragged him to the nearest bathroom. He led Harry to the toilet. He stuck the top of Harry’s head in it and pulled the lever.
‘Nooooooooo!’ Harry cried in an anguished voice.
‘Haha!’ Voldie laughed his evil laugh and pulled the lever again.
‘Please! No!’ Harry protested. ‘It took me THREE HOURS this morning to get all that gel in!!’
‘Say goodbye to your perfectly gelled hair, then,’ Voldie cackled. He pulled the lever again.
The more Voldie pulled the lever, the more Harry felt his power draining away. His last thoughts:
“How dare he ruin my hairgel! It cost me fifteen Sickles!!’”
Voldie finished reading.
(A/N): HAHAHAHA. I had a lotta fun writing this. =P