Chapter 1 : Another Crappy Birthday
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A/N: This is a funny story. At least to me. You may hate it or love it but I do not want to see any flamers if they coment on how far away from cannon I was. It's humor. lighten up a bit. That being said I don't mind if you do flame me (as long as you don't do the fore mentioned) just as long as you review.
Harry Potter woke up yelling and screaming. He had had a bad dream that had made him both mad and sad. But this type of thing happens when you are Harry Potter. You see Harry is not an ordinary 16-year-old boy. Harry is special. Why is he special you might ask? It’s not any of the reasons you may be thinking. It’s not because he’s a wizard. It’s not because he’s got some scar on his head. It’s not because he’s got an evil wizard named Voldemort as a mortal enemy. Or even the fact that everyone he truly cares about dies. Harry is special because he is an insufferable jerk who thinks he should be worshiped and pitied at the same time.
Anyways Harry Had just had the worst nightmare of his life. He couldn’t remember the whole thing but what he did remember was horrible. His servants… uhhh friends Ron “Tag-a-long” Weasley and Hermione “know-it-all” Granger had disobeyed… betrayed him by not fetching his favorite sweet. And there was also some stuff about a dead godfather and it all being Harry’s fault but that wasn’t very important right now.
Harry rolled over and looked at the alarm clock on his nightstand. It was 12:05. That means he had been 16 for 5 minutes and no one had sent him a single owl. This seriously ticked Harry off. Tag-a-long and Know-it-all had crossed the line this time. He would have to send them a Howler. And what about his lazy godfather? Sure he’s dead and all but you’d think he might have gotten something in advance. ‘There goes the flowers off his grave.’ Thought Harry. But then he remembered that he hadn’t properly grieved for Sirius and made a mental note that he would periodically do so through out the story.
At this point, sad and angry Harry began to write his howler to his underlings. He sealed it and signed the address in a cryptic manner so that enemies would be fooled. He then tied the letter to Hedwig (his owl) and sent her to deliver it.
Meanwhile, a hooded man hid in the bushes outside Harry’s window. Beside him lay two owls that he had intercepted 5 minutes ago from going into the boy’s room. He had read the letters hoping to find any clue as to the location of the Order of The Phoenix, but to no avail. But the man is not troubled as long as he follows. His Lord’s orders he would be safe. Another 5 minutes go by and the hooded man spots another owl flying out of the window. The man pointed his wand at the bird and softly cried, “Stupify!” The bird fell into the mans arms. The man then untied the letter from the owl and discarded it like all the others. He noticed the red of the envelope and decided not to open it. Instead he searched the front for clues. “Aha!” said the man as he read the envelope. “Evil triumphs because Good is stupid!” And with that the hooded man revived all the birds and apparated to tell his master the good news: The headquarters of the Order of the Phoenix is located at Umber Welve Rimauld Lace.
5 minutes later, the two owls that had been stunned flew into Harry’s window. Harry then opened the window and let the disoriented owls in. “About time!” was all Harry said as he tore open the packages, temporarily ignoring the letters. Ron had gotten him the cover of Flying With the Canons volume 2 (he was too poor to aford the whole book) and Hermione had gotten him some defensive spell book, which he hadn’t looked at. Why should he? He had escaped Voldemort so many times he couldn’t count. This was extremely sad seeing as Harry had only escaped Voldemort five times.
While Harry was busy calculating on his fingers the two owls that had carried Hermione’s and Ron’s presents made themselves at home in Hedwig’s cage. They were about to put up lovely new curtains when they were interrupted by a madly hooting Hedwig flying through the window.
‘I guess I should see what’s up with her. She is my only friend at Private Drive,’ thought Harry since it wouldn’t be a Harry Potter story if I didn’t mention that Harry is virtually friendless in the muggle world.
“What’s a matter girl?” asked Harry in a boyish American accent. “Did Timmy fall down the well?” Hedwig shook her head and continued to bark… hoot. “Were you attacked by one of Voldemort’s minions in an attempt to find the secret location of the Order of the Phoenix but the minion didn’t find out the secret location of the Order of The Phoenix because of my crafty scheme to protect the secret location of the Order of The Phoenix and now the minion thinks the secret location of the order of the Phoenix is at Umber Welve Rimauld Lace?” Hedwig once again shook her head. Harry then took a deep breath to steady himself for the expected answer to his next question (but really only because he had said that incredibly long run-on sentence.) “Are you severely ticked off because those two owls are in your cage?” Harry asked in an exasperated voice. Hedwig nodded yes and immediately began to peck the other owls until they left the cage and flew out the window. She then busied herself with getting rid of anything that belonged to the other owls except the curtains because she thought they matched the newspaper tile quite well.
Harry on the other hand couldn’t care less. His owl and his friends had made him extremely angry but there wasn’t a large enough crowd for him to go on one of his usual rants. Instead he layed back in his bed and decided he might as well get some Sirius morning out of the way (no pun intended). “Sirius,” he cried in anguish. “I’m so sorry I killed you. Why couldn’t you have lived? Or at least planed out my next twenty birthday and Christmas presents.” And with that exhaustion overtook Harry and he fell asleep because that’s the easiest way to end the Chapter.
A/N: yeah... that's it. Tell me what you think. Most people liked the later chapters better (including myself) so if you didn't think it was great you'd do well to continue reading.
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