Chapter 5 : Let Me Love You
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The sun gave way to the moon. Thousands of stars began taking their position upon the black, velvet stage of the night sky. The city of London grew quiet, and in the midst of it all a red-headed girl stood, her heart pounding through her chest despite the serenity of the world around her.
“Listen,” came the gravelly voice of Sirius Black. “The three of us are going to be in Remus and Peter’s flat. Maybe go over some of the plans James and I worked up for tracking down The Shadow.”
Lily knew her friend was talking but she didn’t turn to face him. Instead, her eyes stayed on James’s. They were glued to him, imagining how he’d looked only minutes ago as he’d raced around the world in the form of a stag.
“Yeah, alright,” James agreed, his attention never swaying from the woman in front of him. The heat that pulsed between them was nearly tangible, holding a life of its own that seemed to grow stronger by the second.
The door closed with a click, and Lily could hear Remus on the other side as he locked the security spells into place. They should care more about those spells, Lily thought. Double check them, possibly send a revealing charm through the flat. But instead of a revealing charm, Lily raised her wand and flicked the lanterns to life, causing the dance of flames to fill the shadow.
“I’m amazed by you, James,” she whispered as she stepped closer to her boyfriend. “I’m amazed by all of you.”
Was it the beauty of his animal form, the skill of magic it took to bring to life such a powerful spell, or was it the knowledge of what these boys had done for the purpose of offering comfort to their friend that caused such a strong swell of emotions within her?
He didn’t speak, didn’t even move, as Lily walked closer toward him. And God, how was it that somehow she knew, absolutely knew, that she wanted to be with him, had to be with him, before the night faded to morning?
All the times they’d nearly taken this step… the night before Petunia’s wedding when they’d slept together in a bed just a few feet from Sirius and Belle and Lily had been tipsy enough to let her hormones act on their own accord… on James’s birthday, when the fear of not being enough for him had taken a brutal hold over her and she’d set out to seduce him, only to find herself too shaky and nervous to follow through… the nights after Belle’s death when they’d turned to one another in bed but the mixture of grief and guilt kept them both at bay…
All those instances pulsed through Lily’s mind, and she couldn’t pinpoint what was different now. It was as if she’d wanted to orchestrate those times, wanted to convince herself she was ready, but now…now she could still taste him on her lips. She could still feel the heat of the kiss they’d shared only moments ago before disapparating from William and Olivia’s home. She could feel his hands on her… could feel his teeth running down her throat as his body pressed into her.
Lily stood there bathed in the lantern and moon lit room barely a foot from James, and trembled. Nerves, an odd sense of fear, excitement…
“We can talk about it. About the spell we used to transform ourselves, if you need to,” James suggested, taking a step toward her and closing that gap between them. He took her hands in his, and she knew he could feel the tremors that ran through them.
“Maybe,” she whispered. What was wrong with her? How was it possible that she wanted nothing more than to have him put his arms around her, his lips and hands on her, but at the same time she was nearly terrified? It wasn’t as if they hadn’t gotten close before.
The light of the moon that had managed to sneak into the window fell away as thick storm clouds filled the sky. The wind picked up and snaked through the cracks, rain following only seconds after. James dropped Lily’s hands and used his wand to light the small fireplace in the corner.
“Hold on a minute,” he said before placing a soft kiss on her nose and walking toward their bedroom. Lily wondered as she watched him walk away if he was every bit as nervous as she was?
“Here,” James said as he came back from their bedroom carrying the huge, fluffy blanket from their bed and a handful of clothes. “You’re soaking wet still, probably freezing.”
He threw the blanket in front of the fireplace along with the clothes, taking his own saturated shirt and trousers off. Lily felt her nerves amplify at the sight of him in just his boxers, but those nerves ticked back down a notch as he pulled on his lounge pants, though he didn’t replace the shirt.
“Lily, come here,” his said, his words a whisper. But it was enough to get her feet moving from the place they were rooted. She felt so ridiculous… like she’d created this insurmountable sense of apprehension inside of her and couldn’t get through it.
“Let me tell you about the spell,” James said, his voice akin the the tone you would use with a frightened animal. He laced his fingers through hers and pulled her down on the blanket with him, the sound of thunder outside bled into the now crackling fire.
“Tell me about something else,” she whispered. She wanted to know about the spell, about every single detail of it. But she wanted to know about it when she’d be able to concentrate, to remember. “Tell me what it feels like, instead. What it feels like to become the stag.”
James reached over and grabbed a few pillows from the sofa, adding them to their blanket.
“You’re soaking wet,” he said again, brushing a slightly curling lock of hair off her forehead. “The transformation is beyond anything I ever thought it could be.” His eyes stayed on hers as he reached for the top button of her jumper, his hands moving rhythmically as he undid one after the other.
“First, it’s a rush of adrenaline.” Once the jumper was unbuttoned, Lily pulled her arms from the sleeves and James’s hands went to the thin material of the camisole that had been underneath. “It’s a rush that washes completely over you, fills every cell and makes it seem as if you have fire in your veins.”
“Jeans next,” Lily said, surprising herself. James nodded, and with a deep breath went back to describing the transformation, his fingers moving to the button of her jeans.
“After the adrenaline starts to subside, a complete feeling of unity comes.” His fingers slid under the waist of her jeans, careful not to capture her underwear. She placed her hands on his shoulders and lifted herself up a fraction to allow him to slip the material from under her bottom and down her legs.
“After that first instant jolt of energy, it’s as if you can feel everything for the first time. In that form, the animal form, your entire body seems more aware of itself. From the way your heart pounds in your chest, to the feeling of blood rushing through you.”
His fingers grazed the inside of her legs, stroked the sensitive skin on the backs of her knees, and caressed down her ankles as he removed the wet pants, leaving her in only her bra and panties. He reached for the large, dry t-shirt to slip over her, and Lily surprised herself by shaking her head.
“You know there’s no reason for it,” she said, her lips moving into a shy smile. “It wouldn’t be on long. Keep talking about it, about the transformation.”
He just stared at her for a moment, and Lily wondered if the combination of her making it very clear that she understood where this was heading, but her need for it to not head there quite this second, was too much for him.
“You’re going to kill me,” he said on a sigh and let out a deep breath which melded into a violent crack of thunder that shook the walls around them.
“Alright,” he said, taking one more slow breath. Then he moved closer to her and laid down on his side, propping his elbow and head up on one of the pillows.
“Well,” as he spoke she scooted closer, sitting cross legged against him. He moved a hand to her and began using his thumb to dance circles on her inner thigh. “It all happens so fast, that you’d think it would be impossible to remember it so vividly, But you do. You remember everything, from the eerily easy way your bones slide around to accommodate the new form, the hot pulsating that beats through you, to the moment when it all clicks into place, just where it’s supposed to be.”
Lily moved her hand into his hair as he spoke, running her fingers through the thick, dark locks and down over his shoulders. Having something for her hands to do seemed to help calm her jumping nerves
“And then, when that moment happens, you’d swear you’ve never felt more right. More…absolute. Your senses become entirely new, the way you hear things, the way you feel things and the way things feel when they touch you…”
She gasped as the same hand that had been rubbing her inner thigh now played with the edge of her panties.
“They’re all different. In the new form, everything and nothing is the same. I still feel like James, but I also feel like an animal. Like the stag you saw.”
His voice grew deeper as he spoke, and Lily’s shaking nerves couldn’t help but begin falling away into nothing but desire.
“James,” she whispered, her fingers tightening in his hair as he continued to play under the soft material of her underwear.
“It doesn’t have to be tonight, Lily,” James whispered, though as he said it he moved his head down and laid a kiss on her knee. “I know a lot happened today and you shouldn’t feel like you—”
“Don’t tell me how I should feel, James.” The tone of her voice, quiet but determined, caused James’s head to glance up and his eyes to meet hers. “I can tell you if I don’t want it to be tonight. I can tell you what I’m feeling. Just like you can tell me if you don’t want it to be tonight.”
The strangled sort of laugh that erupted from James brought Lily her own smile. “I’m nervous,” she admitted, “but I’m not breakable. And just because I’m nervous doesn’t mean it isn’t what I want.”
James sat up now, and Lily could feel his own nerves and excitement radiating from him.
“I don’t want you to be scared, Lil,” he whispered as he reached forward and ran a hand down her back, his fingers moving to the hook of her bra. “I hate this thing,” he said in another whisper as he fiddled with the clasp.
“I’m not scared,” she answered, moving her own hands to her back and unhooking the bra herself. “It’s something else, not fear… Well, mostly it’s not fear.”
“I’m nervous,” James admitted as the bra fell away. “God, you’re so beautiful, Lily. I don’t want to do anything to hurt you.”
“Let’s just… let’s start, and see what happens.” Her voice shook a bit as she spoke, betraying the fear that she claimed mostly wasn’t there.
James bent down to her, his lips tracing over her face and down her neck. As he kissed her, he used one hand to guide her toward the pillows, laying her against them. The fingers running over her were gentle, fluttering along her ribs as his mouth continued to taste her skin.
He kneeled over her, one leg between her thighs and alternated between the soft caressing of lips on skin and the occasional bite of teeth running over her more sensitive areas.
But Lily couldn’t lose herself in his touch like she usually did. Her mind was spinning, thinking of what would happen in only moments. Alice liked sex…. she knew that. And for a catholic woman, Lily’s mom had been fairly open about sex as well. It wasn’t as if she was raised to believe it would be nothing but pain for her and pleasure for James… she knew that wasn’t true.
Then what was it that had her so unable to relax?
“You think so loudly,” James said in an amused mumble as he moved his lips and hands away from her body and sat up, his leg still separating hers. “You said you can tell me what you’re feeling, Lily. So tell me.”
“No, just…. just go back to kissing me,” she demanded, reaching up to try and guide his head back to her body.
He obeyed and moved his lips back to her, starting on her collarbone and working toward the swell of her breasts. She could feel the pleasure the sensation was causing, knew it felt good, but the wall of fear that she was pretending wasn’t fear seemed impossible to break down. It was as if only half of her was present.
“You know,” James began, leaning up a fraction so that he could rub a hand along the slim length of her neck. “I have this picture of you,” he paused to run a tongue over the patch of skin behind her ear. “This image that’s always driven me absolutely mad, of you sitting on the floor of the Gryffindor common room sometime during sixth year. You had your hand closed like this.” He picked up one of her hands and gently folded it, then placed her knuckles on her chest. “You were reading a book, and as you read you just kept brushing your knuckles over your neck and the top of your chest.” He used his own hand to guide hers in the pattern that he described. “Then the more I watched you after that, the more I realized it was something you always did. In class or the common room, or even now during Order meetings, you’ll just lightly rub your knuckles over this area while you concentrate. And watching you do it really has a way of getting to me.”
As he spoke, Lily realized she was still rubbing that spot. He took her hand again and moved it away, pressing his lips to her throat. She instinctively felt herself rise to try and meet the kiss, felt her body arch up and press closer into his.
“And other times,” he said as he pulled away, his breath coming just a bit harder and faster than it had been seconds ago. “Other times, especially during revisions when you’d be walking around to help everyone else, I’d watch you lean over a desk, your elbows on the table, and I’d go mad thinking about how much I wanted to come up behind you and grab your hips, press into you and nibble on the back of your neck.” As he spoke, James moved his leg so that it was pressed more firmly between Lily’s. He placed both of his hands on either side of her head, hovering a few inches above so that he didn’t crush her with his weight. But that space became a challenge for Lily. She ached to close it, to have his body completely against hers. Hot liquid was filling her from the inside, and she struggled to arch her body harder against his.
James moved the leg separating hers by justs an inch, but it was enough to elicit a response from Lily. She squirmed further into him, a soft moan escaping her parted lips.
She wasn’t sure when she started forgetting to be nervous, but somewhere along the way the tremors of fear morphed into nothing but desire. She felt the heat of James’s breath as he kissed farther down her, his thumb tracing the underside of her breast and his teeth captured her nipple.
“James,” she whispered, wiggling under him as that same heat continued to flood her. “I—”
“I’ll slow down if you need me to,” he whispered, though as he said it his hand moved to the waist of his own pants.
“No,” she nearly begged, his teeth making their way to her other breast. She heard how desperate her own words sounded, and felt her hips arch up and down, using the length of the thigh that parted her legs to relieve some of the building heat that was flooding her.
Her eyes were closed as his hands traveled lower on her body, resting on her hips and digging into flesh, pulling her harder against him.
“Open your eyes, sweetheart,” he whispered and she fluttered her heavy lids open. He was sitting up over her, his eyes flickering in the reflections of the lanterns. As she watched him, he pulled off his lounge pants, but left his boxers on. Then his fingers went to her panties, and she bit her lip, excitement and anxiety finding their way back into her foggy world. He waited, watching her, and she gave him a small nod. With that, he pulled off the thin swatch of cotton. Lily felt her red-head’s completion flush as he glanced down at her. The fear rushed back into her… she’d never lain naked like this in front of James, in front of anyone.
“What if I’m terrible at… at it?” Lily blurted out as James was leaning back toward her.
“You’ll be perfect,” he answered, then continued the path his lips had started down her breasts and toward her belly button.
“But, you’ve…this isn’t your first time. It happened a lot with that girlfriend of yours before sixth year… and she knew what she was doing.” Now that the fear had creptinto Lily’s mind, she couldn’t seem to eradicate it.
“Lily,” James whispered, raising himself over her a bit more so that their eyes met. “Shut up.”
She couldn’t help but laugh as she moved her hand toward her lips to make the motion of zipping them.
“Good,” he responded, leaning down to fill the mouth she’d just shut with his tongue. “Now,” he said leaning away from her again and taking her right hand in his. He moved her hand over her own body, positioning it in a way that made her cheeks grow even more red in the light of the lanterns.
“Show me,” he urged, using his other hand trace her lips, her cheeks, her jaw line.
At his request, she was certain her face had never been quite the shade it currently was. “No James. I can’t. Just, let’s just…you know…”
“Get on with it?” he asked with a raised brow. “You said you were worried about not being good. You’ll be amazing, I promise. But I have to know what to do so it’s good for you. Show me.” With that he used one hand to trace the contours of her body, but kept the other one firmly on top of hers. She was sure he could feel the embarrassment radiating off of her. She took a deep breath and reminded herself that he was right. She did know things that she liked… things that felt good. And if she was going to have sex with him… if they were going to make love… she shouldn’t be humiliated by the idea of showing him what she liked.
After taking one more deep breath, she began tentatively moving her fingers over the bundle of nerves. Slowly, not putting much into the action.
“It’s your body, Lil. Your sexy, amazing body. And waiting to be inside of you is killing me.” His words were distracting her enough that she stopped focusing on exactly what she was doing with her fingers, and let them move on their own.
“I wish I could tell you that just looking at you laying here naked under me is enough, that just getting to touch you is enough, but it’s torture to watch you and imagine how it’s going to feel. I don’t think anything but being inside of you, anything but spending the next hundred years or so making love to you, will be enough.”
She heard herself moan as his fingers circled around her wrist and nudged her hand away, only to replace it with his own.
“Like this?” he whispered, moving his fingers the way she had. When she hesitated, not answering immediately, he slowed down. “Tell me, Lily.”
“I’m not sure. Maybe… um.. softer.” He eased up on the pressure making the touch more feather light, then smiled when that earned him a throaty moan from the woman below him.
“Yes,” she answered.
“Good,” he coaxed, and Lily could hear the desperate strain in his voice.
“James,” she said on another moan. “I’m okay. Lets…”
His fingers paused their play over her, and she knew he’d nearly reached the limit of his control.
“You’re sure,” he asked, his voice the shaky one now.
“Yes. I’m sure.”
They held each other’s eyes, and Lily felt a rush of pleasure fill every part of her. Not just the pleasure of his hands, of his mouth… but the pleasure of being just like this with him. Of lying on the floor of their flat, of having been scared and excited and nervous and demanding all in one night and nothing being wrong with that, because he understood her. And she understood him.
“James,” she said as he began removing his boxers. “This is probably an odd time to tell you, but I’m so glad that you’re going to be my first.”
The grin that spread over his face was so much like the younger James, so much like the boy he’d been before death and war had sank their fangs into all of them.
“Thank you, Lily. I love you.” He used his legs to spread hers as he knelt closer to her, then laid his lips on the tip of her nose. Such a soft, innocent gesture.
Lily felt that hot liquid start filling her again as his fingers went back to their ministrations, making small circles just the way she had with her own hand. His lips were on hers, biting and sucking at her. The hot liquid that seemed to live in her veins became searing as it pulsated through. She rocked her hips against his hand, terrified the feeling would stop before her body got what it was so desperately craving.
She felt his knees move her legs even further apart as his mouth left hers, but she barely noticed with the pad of his thumb making circles over the most sensitive part of her body.
“I need you Lily, so bad,” he said, the words rough and desperate.
“Yes,” she moaned in response. “James, now.”
And with that, she felt him move into her. His fingers made sure to keep their rhythm, and at first it was nothing more than a feeling of being stretched.
“It’ll only hurt for a second. Just breathe,” James urged. She let the air escape her lungs and the stretching became a quick, sharp pain. Sharp enough to have the air catch in her chest and a swift cry break free.
James froze inside of her. “Lily, baby, I’m sorry. I was too fast.”
“No,” she said as she caught her breath, adjusting to the feeling of him. “No, I’m okay. Don’t stop.”
He stayed still inside of her, the heat of his thumb stroking her and causing enough of a distraction that her body began relaxing to the foreignness of it all. She heard what it cost James to remain motionless inside of her, heard his labored breathing. And the power of knowing how badly he wanted her gave Lily a fresh jolt of excitement. The knowledge had her hips instinctively rocking. At first it was just a fraction, then as the heat started to build her movements became frantic.
“Fuck, Lily,” James moaned and she knew he’d lost the ability to simply remain deep inside of her. “Tell me to stop if I hurt you,” he said, then began matching her thrust for thrust. The patience he’d kept so tightly reined in all evening broke away.
Lily bit her lip, forcing herself to hold a cry back. It did hurt, but not the kind of hurt that she’d imagined. And that pain didn’t stop her body from wanting more, from needing more as the sensation of stretching and filling began melding with the heat of his fingers still massaging the small ball of nerves. She couldn’t tell him it hurt, couldn’t risk him stopping, because despite the edge of pain the rest of it felt so good, so much better than she’d imagined.
Just as that heat became almost impossible to handle, James’s pace slowed and she heard him let out long, shaky breaths.
“Don’t stop,” she whimpered, urging him on with another thrust of her own hips.
“I have to slow down baby,” he muttered. “Let me see your hand.” She obliged, and he positioned her fingers back over her bundle of nerves. “If I don’t, this will be over way too quickly.”
“But we can do it again?” Lily asked before thinking to stop herself, and James’s laugh was nearly wild.
“God, I hope so.” And with her hand busily taking over what his had been doing, he lowered his body closer to hers and pulled her breast into his mouth, biting and sucking. She felt her fingers change pace, growing more frantic, his hand in her hair and the slow pace of him inside her nearly killing her.
“Please James, faster,” she begged, too turned on to be surprised at her own words. “Please.”
He mumbled something unintelligible and quickened the pace of his thrusts, his mouth biting up her neck hard enough to bruise: neither of them noticed nor cared. He moved his hand to her hair, lacing his fingers in the masses of red as he pushed himself harder into her, both of them still racing to meet an impossible pace their desire set. With her fingers unable to do anything but bring her closer to an edge that Lily had never been on, with James’s hand wrapped in her hair and his mouth sucking at her neck, she felt something rise and then break in her. Like all that heat that had been building finally shattered apart and washed over her, numbing and burning and soothing all at once.
“Oh my god,” Lily said on a breathless moan, her body shaking as she tried to take fast gulps of air.
“Thank God,” James said, in what nearly did sound like a prayer, before pumping himself into her a few more times before letting go completely.
Minutes later they were still lying just like that, with James inside of her and running fingers through her hair, fanning it out behind her.
“You’re okay?” he asked, his thumbs running over both of her cheeks where she hadn’t realized a few tears escaped.
“I’m perfect,” she whispered, leaning up to kiss him.
“And we’re still… we’re still safe? I should have pulled out, but you felt so good.” To her surprise, Lily didn’t blush at his words.
“We’re safe. I just had the last day of my period a few days ago and I’m still taking a monthly potion. I’ve been careful to continue taking it on the same day each month, and Alice walked me through how to brew it after she and Frank started—“
“Let’s not talk about Alice and Frank just now, yeah?” James said on a laugh. “You’re okay, really though?”
She waited a moment too long before answering.
“Sore?” he asked gently, cupping her chin in his hand.
“Yes. Sore,” she finally relented. He kissed her again, then eased out of and off of her, rolling onto the thick blanket under them. Lily moved toward him, noticing as she moved just how sore she was.
“I was so scared,” she said as she and James lay on their sides facing one another, the other half of the blanket pulled over them. “And now I have no idea why. I can’t believe what I’ve been missing out on,” she added with an almost sly smile. “James?”
“When can we do it again?” And that smile went from sly to nearly wicked as James roared out a laugh.
“Who would have thought that our Ms. Evans would have an insatiable sexual appetite?” James joked, and Lily felt herself grow instantly red.
“Hey,” James said, humor still in his voice as he pulled her closer, and Lily was sure he picked up on her still shaky confidence with it all. “We can do it again as soon as you’re ready. Thanks for trusting me, Lily.”
“Thanks for helping it not be scary, James.”
And with that she curled further into him and let the sounds of the storm and the heat of his body lull her to sleep.
Thank you to Cambangst for being an amazing beta reader! I hope you all liked this chapter. I loved finally being able to give Lily and James their first time!
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