Chapter 1 : James Should Be the Main Character of This Story
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It was a dark and stormy ni-
"No," he said irritably.
It was a dark and depressing-
It was a dark and-
Once upon a stormy night-?
Sirius rubbed his eyes wearily. He didn't like when the writer started with such a cliché. For Merlin's sake, it wasn't even dark out!
"What's wrong?" asked the girl lying in his lap.
Natalia Romona Helga Anastacia Jones was, by far, the hottest blond in school and he had been eyeing those huge, perky, bouncy breasts for a while. Now that he had them, though, they weren't as fun as he had hoped. That didn't stop him from jiggling them like jelly, however, and he reached over to do so. Nattie squealed with delight and hormones.
Bored already, he pushed the girl onto the floor and jumped up. It was obvious the writer had no plot in mind-
-so he would have to develop one as he went along.
"What a drag," he moaned, stretching. "Oi! Prongs!"
James, his best friend and probably the person who should be the main character of the story-
-you know, as he is the father of the main character of the real story-
"Are you trying to say I'm not real?!"
-flew up to the window of the tower on his broom like a badass, having conveniently been practicing Quidditch right outside. He poked his head through the opening, bobbing ever so slightly up and down. His hair was wildly thrown about, and just in case it wasn't he ran his fingers through it for good measure. Just in case Lily happened to be around.
"You oi'd, Padfoot?" James answered, ignoring Sirius' fourth wall breaking. James was not a rule breaker.
"Hah!" Sirius barked. "I could tell you some stories about James and his rule breaking!"
As stated, James Should Be the Main Character of This Story. Roll credits...
Sirius grumbled under his breath and turned to James who acted as if nothing were out of the ordinary. He found his friend's outbursts quaint, if not an early sign of mental illness. Sirius chose to ignore this comment as arguing with the writer was holding back the story.
"What do we have going on tonight?"
James considered for a moment. "Well, it's the full moon tonight. Remus wanted to go to Narnia."
"Narnia?" Sirius cried, bewildered. "I thought it was Wonderland this month."
"Actually, it was supposed to be Neverland, but Peter is scared of the Injuns and doesn't want to be drowned by mermaids -oh, I'd love to be drowned by a mermaid," he added in a husky voice. He shook himself out of whatever strange fantasy he had about drowning with mermaids to continue his address. "Anyway, we thought about Labyrinth, but with Remus not knowing who he is when he's all... You know... We don't want him getting scared and lost when he wakes up... Remus had suggested going to The Shire, but..." James winced, even cringed a little. "You know how I feel about little people... Their feet... They're just so... Harry." He shuddered, causing him to wobble on his broom. Subsequently, he fell off and went into a free fall.
They were actually supposed to go to Dinotopia, but the cost of the trip alone was astronomical, not to mention, hard to get to on such short notice. Panem had been an option, but I was told by President Snow that if they stepped foot anywhere outside the Capitol, they would have their names automatically submitted for Reaping and we all know not a single one would have stayed inside the Capitol. So, Narnia it was. (Not that it happens to be the writer's other favorite fandom or anything.)
Sirius pushed the idea around in his head before heading over to the window and sticking his head out. James had used a Summoning Charm to bring his broom to himself so as not to splatter on the rocks below. Lily happened to be sunning herself down there and Sirius used his super-dog hearing to listen in.
"Harry is a fine name!" she clucked. Perhaps she had dog-hearing as well.
"It sounds like a disorder!" James chirped back.
"It was my grandfather's name!" she meowed.
"It's a beautiful name! It shall be the name of our first born!" he barked before flying away.
"I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last-"
"What about the Doctor?!" Sirius bellowed down to his friend, effectively cutting Evans off.
"Doctor who?!" echoed back.
"No! No, just the Doctor! You know who I'm talking about!" he called back.
"No! The Doctor!"
"Just The Doctor!" Sirius rolled his eyes. "Blue box! Funny fellow. Sounds like he's from the north!"
"Lots of places have a north!" James argued. Eventually, he regained his altitude. "I dunno that we should try to get hold of him. I mean, we do keep nailing his companions..."
"Well, I like blonds and you like red heads and we both like women in general..."
"He was not at all happy about the Pond girl," James quipped.
"Well, it was the night before her wedding." Sirius shrugs. "She didn't even remember her fianceé's name. He was less happy about that River person."
"Well, that was his wife. You brought all that down on yourself." James gave him a pointed look. "Might as well ask. Give him a ring!"
"I don't want to marry him!" Sirius scoffed. Marry a man! He eyed James enviously.
"On that thing he gave you, ya prat," Jame grumbled. Honestly, Sirius was normally smarter than that.
"I've enough out of you!" he cried.
Touchy, too. That time of the month.
Sirius turned to go back to the sofa, falling over Nattie as he did so. She had not moved from her fallen place on the floor. He nudged one of her boobs with his foot. It jiggled and she squirmed so he was satisfied that she was alive. He rolled over where he was and pulled out the tiny piece of plastic with all the buttons that the Doctor had given him to contact him with. He wasn't supposed to have it out in front of other people, but he could just obliviate all their memories like the cheater that he was and get on with his life.
He pressed a button and held the plastic up to his ear. It started playing an Uptown Funk by Bruno Mars for a ring-back tone and he found himself wiggling his butt to the strange song.
"Yes, what is it?" came the curt answer as the music cut off. There seemed to be alarms blaring in the background, the sound of steam, and a girl shouting.
"HELLO! DOCTOR!" Sirius hollared into the plastic. "ARE YOU! ABLE! TO VISIT!"
Immediately the line went dead. Moments later, the common room filled with a strange whirring sound and a blue box titled "Police Phone Box" appeared a few feet from Sirius' head. The door sprang open and a gangly man with a Frankenstein jaw popped out in a fez and snatched the plastic from Sirius' hand.
"No! No! You're not allowed anymore! No!" he cried, jabbing a finger in Sirius' direction with each word. "How many times do I have to tell you? I am eleven hundred years old! I do not want to put up with your crap!"
Sirius tilted his head as he looked up at the man. "Weren't you a couple hundred years younger last time we met?"
"I may have been, I may have been older, I don't keep track. Get off the floor, you look like a bum." The Doctor cast him a disgusted look. At the same time, a brunette popped her head from the doorway.
"Problem?" she asked. Sirius perked up and jumped off the floor. She was cute, even if she wasn't blond.
"No, no, it's just..." The Doctor cast another disgusted look. "Teenage idiots."
James had taken it upon himself to gather his friends and they magically appeared in the common room though climbing all the stairs to the tower should have taken much, much longer.
"We're ready to go!" he said cheerfully.
"Go where?" the Doctor demanded. "I'm not a taxi. I'm a bloody Time Lord. Do you understand what that means?"
"But we want to go on an adventure!" Sirius protested.
"Yeah, Remus turns into a werewolf tonight and we want to take him some where cool!" James chimed in.
"Oh!" cried the Doctor, eyes wide with a hand to his head. "Well, by all means, then! Climb aboard! You know that's what we Time Lords go around doing, finding werewolves and such to take on adventures the NIGHT THEY BLOODY CHANGE!"
The boys were already aboard the blue box before he finished ranting. It was known in some circles as a T.A.R.D.I.S. That is Time And Relative Dimension In Space, for anyone wondering. Also see Totally And Radically Driving In Space, but that's a different Doctor.
Sirius pushed buttons, Remus sniffed the brunette, James pulled on cords, and Peter turned into a rat and disappeared into the underbelly.
The Doctor ran in and shut the door behind him. The inside of the box was much larger than the outside. Much, much, much, much, MUCH larger. It had a hidden swimming pool and everything.
"Don't touch, don't sniff, don't pull, and wherever Peter went, I will end him if he doesn't make himself known this instant! Sexy has very tempermental security systems!" he cried.
Peter immediately came back and curled up into a corner. He won't be seen again for most of the story. (Note: This is because I don't like him. Just saying. He's a creepy little turd and you'd think the Great Marauder's would have noticed. So I'm not writing him. Git.)
"Sexy?" Sirius said, abandoning buttons and rounding on the girl. "Is that your name, love?"
The girl chuckled nervously and then narrowed her gaze on the man in the bow tie. "Doctor? A word?"
"Hands full, Clara. You can hit him if necessary," he replied as he went about the control station in the center of the room to make sure Sirius and James hadn't damaged everything.
Remus was still sniffing her and she ducked under him to go to the console herself. "Do you just... attract strays?" she asked.
"I'm a Time Lord. I travel through space and time. It happens." He gave her a pointed look.
"When were we going today, anyway?" Remus asked.
"1996," James answered automatically. "My kids should be in school by then, at least our age."
Sirius arched an eyebrow at him. "That's pretty young to be having a family, Prongs."
His friend shrugged. "I am independently wealthy, I won't ever have to work a day in my life and I'll have everything I need to have as many kids as I want. Age doesn't matter."
"Yeah, but you still can't find a girl who can stand you long enough to have your child!"
James shook his head. "Doctor, 1996 Hogwarts, please. I want to meet my son!"
"And oh, he's certain it's a son." Sirius scoffed.
"Well, of course it is!"
"It doesn't work like that, you can't just tell me where you want to go, and who said I was taking you?" The Doctor readjusted his fez. Fezzes are cool.
"Of course it does," James replied. "Because magic! Accio 1996 Hogwarts!"
Remus frowned. "You don't even have your-"
The T.A.R.D.I.S. landed.
"-wand... out... How?"
"Because magic," James said firmly before disembarking the time machine.
They were no longer in the common room, but now in an empty hallway. A blonde girl happened to be walking by.
"Excuse me, where can I find Potter?" he called out.
The girl whirled around, books in her arms, dreamy look in her eyes, and strange glasses on her head. "You mean Harry?" she asked.
James physically reacted by violently shaking, cringing, and wobbling. Finally, making a face, he replied, "I guess so?"
Sirius stepped from the time machine and gave the girl a once over. Weird-looking, but cute.
"I'm on my way to meet him. You can come with me, if you'd like." She took a look at the Police Public Call Box behind them and raised her eyebrows. "Funny, Dad was going to do an article on blue boxes in the next issue."
"Hang on," Sirius said, looking at her again. "Blonde hair. Weird-o glasses. Talking about things that shouldn't exist as if they're real! You must be a Lovegood."
The girl brightened at the recognition. "Luna, to be exact."
"Oh, son of a Dobby's Sock, he named her Loony," Sirius groaned, burying his face into James' shoulder. "I can't take that kind of temptation, Prongs, I simply can't."
James shook his head. "Please take me to.... To Ha-.... Harrrr- To Hair-... Please take me to Potter!" he finally spit out.
The girl started off and they followed, soon followed by Remus, the Doctor, and Clara, all of whom aren't very important, but I like them more than Peter, so they can tag along for as long as I remember to include them.
She led them down familiar corridors and Sirius was more interested in watching her cauldron bum than he was in paying attention to the castle. Hogwarts had been the same for centuries- he doubted he would miss much. In the back of his mind, he wondered how much he would screw up space and time if he slept with someone from the future...
"A lot, don't even think about it," the Doctor said from behind him.
Sirius turned to scowl at the centuries old man, but did not reply further.
They were led out onto the quidditch pitch which had at least had a new paint job in the last twenty years, but otherwise looked the same. Over a hundred feet in the sky, players zoomed around on their brooms, practicing passing and swinging their beater's bats, their captain calling out orders and encouragements.
He sounds kinda like me, James thought smugly.
"Hey, what's the big idea?" Sirius said suddenly. "You can't just go and show what he's thinking when you're talking about me!"
But James should be the main character-
"Shove off," he grumbled.
Luna turned back with her great big eyes and offered Sirius a smile. "My narrator can be a little difficult as well. Father's writing an article about that, also."
Sirius gave her his best grin. He liked the blonde ones, but it was oh so better when they were the crazy blonde ones. Who would be crazier than Xenophilius' daughter? Crazy only begets crazy. Won't he be surprised when he finds out-
"Spoilers," the Doctor said gruffly. But he's allowed to talk to me. He's the Doctor.
"He's the Doctor," Sirius mimicked childishly. "Don't call me a child!" he added with petulance.
"HAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY!" Luna called at the top of her lungs. James fell to the ground, twitching in disgust. His name couldn't be Harry. Why was it Hairy? Was he really Harry? How Hairy was he?
Shortly thereafter, the players above landed on the ground and James stood up and put himself to rights, ready to face his son. Maybe he wasn't so bad?
Sirius was completely and utterly shattered as one of the players, the captain, a gangly boy with familiar unruly black hair, strode up to the Lovegood girl and promptly began to snog her. Her books fell to the ground as she wrapped her arms about his neck and returned it. He was just beginning to wonder how they breathed when they broke apart.
"Love, it's practice time, you can't just call me down here," he told her.
"But there are people here to see you," she said in her dreamy voice. "Harry, this is-" She turned to her guests and frowned. "Sorry. I didn't get your names."
James boldly stepped forward, twitching only slightly. "Hello there haaaaaaaaar- AHEM! Haaaiiiiiiii- Potter, you look well!"
"Do I know you?" Harry asked.
"Well, I doubt I look all the different these days!" James said haughtily. "My father kept his looks well into his forties- I can't be all that old yet! Don't you recognize me?"
To be sure, it was almost like looking into a mirror, except that Potter's face was a bit longer whereas Potter's face was rounder. And Potter had hazel eyes and Potter had green. But Potter had naturally unruly hair and Potter couldn't help it. Potter wasn't wearing his glasses, as he did not during game time, but Potter was wearing his because he had a clever witch friend who could keep them clean and fixed when he failed at magic.
"POINT OF REFERENCE, WOMAN!" SIRIUS EXPLODED.
What for? I dunno.
"Well, at any rate, I'm your dad," James said.
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" exploded the Doctor. His pinstripe suit and converse shoes looked strangely not out of place at all in the wizarding world, but he no longer had a Frankenstein jaw. He was rather foxy, actually. "YOU CAN'T JUST DO THAT! DON'T YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT TIME TRAVEL?!"
There was some emotional stuff that happened about here as Harry came to figure out that James was telling the truth and James came to figure out that he was dead, but we're going to skip it. Because magic.
"That's not magic, that's lazy," Sirius hissed.
James still couldn't bring himself to say his son's name when he happened to glance over at spot a gorgeous redhead. "Look, son, I know you've got the crazy one, but are you hitting that, too?" he asked, pointing at the bird.
Harry glanced over at his best friend's sister and shook his head. "She might have a boyfriend, but I dunno."
James' mind was made up- he was sleeping with her before they left.
"You are not!" thundered the Doctor
"That's not fair!" Sirius cried at the same time. "I don't get to sleep with the Lovegood girl!"
"It's not my fault she's dating my son," James said before striding over to the girl. She looked less than impressed. In fact, she looked downright moody. It reminded him of Lily. He supposed he had a type. He put on his sexiest smile. "So, I was thinking-"
"STOP RIGHT THERE!"
Suddenly, three unknowns came barrelling down the pitch and the party turned to look at them, all of them confused. There were two boys and a girl. They strode right past everyone and stood between James and Ginny.
"Stop right now! So gross, you have no idea!" the girl said, her dark red hair seeming to flash in the sunlight.
"Yeah, please, do not time travel and shag," said the older of the two boys. "Haven't you ever seen Austin Powers?"
"Of course he hasn't, you dolt- it's not even out yet!" said the other boy scolded. "Besides, nothing bad ever came from his time travelling shagging."
"There were two of him at the end of the second film," said the first, "and saying that nothing bad happened does not help this arguement!"
"Will you both shut up!" the girl hissed. She turned back to James and James turned his sexy grin on her. She made a face of disgust. "GRANDPA, STOP BEING A WHORE! WE DON'T WANT YOU TO BE OUR DAD! STOP TRYING TO SLEEP WITH MUM AND GO BACK TO YOUR OWN TIME!"
Well, that about pretty much sums up the rest of the story. James, thoroughly disgusted, was more than happy to leave 1996. Sirius laughed a ridiculous amount at his friend's folly and, now knowing that his future god-son was not marrying Luna Lovegood, managed to sneak in a snog with her before leaving, much to the Doctor's irritation. Harry couldn't see himself with Ginny just then, so he continued on with Luna. The Marauder's got back into the TARDIS, found Peter, and were returned to Gryffindor common room in their own time. The Doctor took the confiscated phone and smashed it to ensure that the meddling boys would no longer be able to contact him. He also erased the bit of James' memory where he learned that he would die. Because magic.
"THE DOCTOR DOES NOT HAVE MAGIC! NOW YOU'RE JUST REALLY BEING LAZY!" Sirius cried.
I'm the writer. I because magic because I because magic.
Sirius gave a frustrated growl and returned to the floor where Nattie was still laying as if she had nothing better to do with her time.
"The bloody end. Why would any of you read this, anyway? Honestly! Go home."
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