Chapter 1 : Hallelujah
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It’s JKR’s, and the song ‘Hallelujah’ is by Leonard Cohen
Seconds. It was seconds between Antonin Dolohov throwing out his wand arm and the green light of the curse hitting me, Remus Lupin, square in the chest. In those few seconds my life flashed before me. The highs and the lows; Losing Lily and James, losing Sirius; getting married, becoming a father.
Tonks. Nymphadora Tonks.
I could never pinpoint exactly when I fell for her. I had been amused by her at first but that soon progressed into stronger feelings, despite the fact I fought against them. I didn’t wanted her tainted by my lycanthropy.
But then Dumbledore had been killed, and the world had turned on it’s head once more. And in that time of grief and uncertainty I succumbed and married her. I was no longer alone and lonely, as I had been since Sirius’ death. Perhaps I was selfish.
Since I was a child, I had been shunned by the greater wizarding community because of what I was. Only when I had had my three friends at Hogwarts, James Potter, Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew, had I had any feeling of belonging. When they had become animagi so they could spend full moons with me, my transformations had been less painful and traumatic. And since I had been with Tonks, they had been more bearable. I could cope with them a lot better knowing I had her to return to in the morning. The heart shaped face, the hair in her favoured shade of bubblegum pink, the eyes twinkling with mischief.
I had never had such mixed feelings as I did with her. She accepted what I was; seeing passed it to who I was. I had never fallen in love before.
Then when we finally got together, there were times when I had never been happier, when I wasn’t hating myself. Of course there were times when I hated myself for what I was doing to her by association.
But those times that we were alone together… the times when we laughed together, or sat not saying a word but just enjoying each other's company, or the times where we inevitably ended up in bed together, I felt like shouting from the rooftops. I had never experienced anything like it.
Of course, I took a long time to believe in her acceptance. And it took a long time before I let her get closer to me. I felt she deserved better. But when she sets her mind to something, she doesn’t give up, and I began to see that the pain I was causing her with my rejection was almost as bad as the problems I would cause her by marrying her. I would be hurting her either way. I couldn't do it.
So we got married and I was happy for a while. Until my habitual feelings of guilt and self loathing returned. What was I doing to her? What kind of a life was it when we had to run away from my best friend's son's 17th birthday because the Minister for Magic was on his way. And the Ministry didn't like werewolves. My bright, beautiful wife was dragged down to this level because of me, and what I was.
And then I found out she was pregnant. So now I had possibly infected an innocent child with my condition. That in itself was monstrous. She was so happy. I’d make a brilliant father, she told me with that grin of hers that I'd always found irresistible. Infectious, if you like.
At the same time, the anti werewolf feeling was at an all time high, exacerbated perhaps by Voldemort using Fenrir Greyback for hired savagery. I couldn't subject my wife, my vital, outgoing wife and our unborn child to that, could I? So I left. In my distraught state I headed for the one link I had to my previous life and best friends, Harry.
Never had I been so angry yet so grateful to any one person all at once. Harry, so like James and Lily, opened my eyes. I couldn't, shouldn't, leave them to fend for themselves. After a few hours of self pitying soul searching in the Leaky Cauldron I went back to them.
When she took me back, the gratitude I felt was immeasurable and I vowed to do all within my power to protect them both, whatever the cost to myself.
The next few months were spent in hiding and all my efforts were spent on hiding us and keeping them safe. Perhaps I should have kept up duelling practice. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
The day my son, Teddy, was born was the happiest of my life. This perfect little man who was just like his mother and showed no signs of lycanthropy, was everything to both of us.
Tonks had never looked so beautiful as when she first took our son in her arms. Not when we married, and not when we were in bed together. And there had been many hours spent there.
Then it became time to step up and perfect them. We were going to fight for a better world. Tonks and Teddy would be with her mother.
I led a group into the grounds of Hogwarts; the scene of so many incidents with my best friends, and the fighting began. Then she was there. I should've known she wouldn't be able to stay out of the fight. I was so angry that she would risk herself like that. I had to protect her.
I didn't react quick enough when Dolohov cast his spell, and now I am looking down on the battlefield. I see my own broken body. I see her scream out my name. And I see Bellatrix.
So now I'm waiting for her before I go on, to my friends, in the afterlife, leaving our son behind.
I don't regret my life; my friends, my wife, my son. I regret not having longer, and I regret leaving him. I take comfort in her presence and in the fact we'll always be with our son, even if he doesn't know it.
It's a cold and it's a broken
***This fic was initially inspired by Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah"; I haven't stuck directly to it but it was the starting point***
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