Chapter 1 : Wild Flowers
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The last time we kiss, it’s the cheek and you’re holding onto the hand of a man who I am so jealous of that it eats me like a parasite.
“Dorcas doesn’t like boys,” Marlene was joking, I knew this, but she never really thought before she spoke, and doesn’t realize just how much she’s putting me on the spot, and soon this boy (whose name I didn’t even remember) leans over, and goes.
“Ew, you like girls?” I swallowed, and shook my head, trying to preoccupy myself with my dinner.
“Then,” he grinned and I almost groaned, please not here, please, please god don’t let him do this. “You want to go out to Hogsmede with me?”
“No,” I shook my head quickly. “I don’t, please leave me alone.” It’s the routine I’ve been giving boys since I was fifteen, I lock eyes with the boy and his smile disappeared automatically and is quickly replaced with a sneer.
“Shut up Jasper,” Lily slide in beside me, and gave my hand a tight squeeze that lasted two seconds longer than it should. “Or I’ll start docking points.”
“You wouldn’t dock from your own house.”
“Fucking try me.” She gave him a cold smile, squeezed my hand again, and this time I grasp hers and she doesn’t let go, instead she moved closer to me and allowed our backs to cover our hands. It’s 1977 and I’m sorry that I don’t feel guiltier about how she makes me feel.
The first time I see you, you’re young and shaking with excitement.
The last time I see you, you’re pale and in a coffin lined with satin. I can’t stop crying, and I know everyone wonders why, we lost contact years ago.
“Hey Lily,” I loved her name, the way it rolled off the tongue. It didn’t take her too long to move to the side, and she gave me a small smile. “Not tonight, not here.”
“It’s dead, no one’s here but you tonight,” not even the Ravenclaws’ are in the library this late, and it’s normally our meeting place (although it’s rumored that they have a private library anyway).
“I know, but,” Lily’s lips formed a thin line and I knew that the conversation is over. “It’s public, we don’t need the rumors.” There’s a taste of blood in my mouth and I realized that I’ve been biting my tongue.
“It’s not- it’s not you,” her green eyes met mine, and I’m reminded how pretty she is (to be fair, I’m reminded of this daily). “It’s just…”
“I get it, I’m going to go to bed though,” I kissed the top of her head, and she giggled, and pulled my arms around her, and it took everything, and god I mean everything, to not just stay there.
Even though it was warm under the blankets, I still waited up for her. Even though all I wanted was sleep, my body stayed up. She slipped in about thirty minutes later, and I sat up.
“Can I sleep in your bed tonight?” I grinned at her. “I’m cold.”
“I’ll sleep in your bed, I have five am perfect duties, I’ll be up and out before anyone else wakes up,” she smiled, and pulled on the t-shirt I had gotten her last Christmas, (you have no idea how proud I am that she still wears it, it’s just a dumb old Harpies Jersey and I’m pretty damn sure she just wears it for me). The covers are lifted, the cold air let in, and it’s all worth it when I get to wrap my arms around her waist.
“You have huge boobs,” are the words that I heard next.
“You’ve seen them, how are you just saying this now?” I was close to laughing, and stuffing my knuckles in my mouth barely helped.
“It’s different when I’m smushed up against them!” She wiggled a bit, threatening to push me out of the bed, I’m gripping onto the edge when she finally made herself comfortable.
“You done now?”
“Hush, you were fine,” she flopped over one more time, face towards me, nose to nose, and as she drifted to sleep I tried to stay up and enjoy every second of her in my arms.
The first time I tell you I love you, you answer back without hesitance.
The last time I tell you, I’m pleading, and you won’t look at me.
I hated James Potter, and not because he took Lily away from me. I’m not that shallow. I hated him because of the way he treated her, like she was a conquest. The way he’d constantly push after she said no, having no respect for her wishes.
Who held her hand at her parents’ funeral? Who told her everything would be ok, when even her sister wouldn’t look at her?
It’s not…I’m not looking for a reward. I just, I guess I just wish I meant more than just a Hogwarts fling. Nothing serious (and I guess I knew we could never last forever, but god, I wished for it so bad that it ached).
And now you’re gone, and Lily, my sweet Lily. I miss you so much.
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