Chapter 1 : To Where You Are
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Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memory's so clear
I lay in bed and listen to the sound of James breathing next to me. I can hear the clock ticking on the wall, and the way the wind is hitting the windows and the trees in the back garden. James’ arm is tight around me, resting on that space where you used to be. I take a deep breath, it shudders out. I can feel the tears building up, and I nearly choke trying to keep them in, trying not to wake him up. I wonder if you’re up there watching over us. The beautiful being we created but didn’t get to meet. I remember that first moment, when the healer told us you existed. I’ll never forget the look on James’ face, he looked like he was going to explode with happiness. In these moments when he sleeps and I listen to the noises of the world surrounding me, I think to myself.
The storm is coming, but I don’t mind. People are dying, I close my blinds.
I can’t comprehend activities of the world. I can’t comprehend the way the days move without you in my life. I can’t get out of bed, because there will be no flutter when I go to make breakfast. There will be no more joy of a future with you. I see the books of names, and think to myself what if I had chosen a different name. Would you still be here if I had chosen a different name?
All I can do is keep breathing, now.
His mum told me that. I try to remember it. I try to remember it when James coaxes me out of bed. When he holds me in the shower, or gets me to eat the food I can’t taste. I try to remember it when his cousins and aunts and uncles come over to check on me. I try to remember it when I’m laying in bed at night, with no one to watch over me. No one but you; because you’re here, I can feel it. You’re no longer with us, but you’re here. I know you are.
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you smile
James rolls over and I sigh a little in relief. I slide out from under the covers and tip-toe my way out of the room. I look behind me before entering the hallway, I consider how peaceful he looks when he sleeps. When he’s asleep you can’t see the bags under his eyes, and the look of sadness in his grey eyes. When he’s asleep you’d believe nothing is wrong. I make my way into the hallway, being sure not to step on any of the particularly creaky floorboards. As I pass by the room that was meant to be yours I stop for a moment.
The door is closed, I haven’t been able to open it. I can’t go in and remove what was going to be yours. I walk away from the room, I can’t even stand to be near it. My finger trails along the wall as I walk and I turn the corner into the kitchen. I had been standing by the sink when I knew. Something was wrong. I knew. My fingers wrap around the doorknob and I open the door to the back garden,slowly, being sure not to make a sound. I leave it open, letting the cool summer breeze drift into the house. I walk into the middle of the back garden and lay in the grass. It’s damp from the dew of the early morning, and I look up at the sky. The stars are slowly beginning to fade into the sun, and I take a deep breath. You’re in those stars. I look up and see a star, brighter than the others. That’s you. My bright star, I wish on it. I wish that wherever you are now, you’re smiling. I wish I could see you smile.
All that I know is I’m breathing.
I repeat it to myself now. When I’m looking up to the sky with my hands resting on my stomach. On the place you used to be. I repeat it to myself when I feel the tear rolling down my face as I look up at the night sky. I take a breath, and another, I can feel it shuddering out. I cry as I look at the stars and wonder what your smile would have looked like. Would you have had James’ brown eyes? My blonde hair? I can see a light turn on in the house, but I don’t look over. I can’t look over. I can’t look away from the sky. You have to be up there.
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
I wish I could hold you. I wish I could’ve held you. I know with each breath I’m closer to you, yet I’m years away. I remember how excited Harry and Ginny had been when we’d told them. She told me to call her mum. She was the first person we told when we found out. She told me it’d be okay. I knew it would be, but when your world feels like it’s falling apart slowly, broken by one tragic moment, how can it be? I heard him call my name. I couldn’t reply. I couldn’t speak.
I heard the door I had left open creak, I heard his heavy footsteps run out to me in the field. His sigh of relief as he lay down next to me. He took my hand and I looked over at him.
“Evalin, you scared me.”
The tears were flowing freely down my face and I tried to manage a peaceful smile. To manage something that gave him hope. To show I’m not hopeless. He kissed my forehead and looked at the sky with me.
“All we can do is keep breathing.”
I said it out loud this time. It was mores of a whisper, sort of something that came out in a breathy voice you’d only hear in complete silence. These days we were surrounded by complete silence. The stars were fading more, I had been out here longer than intended. I could hear the flutter of birds waking up, and see the distant sunrise on the horizon. I consider what you would’ve wanted. You wouldn’t have wanted me to be sad. You would’ve wanted me to be happy, to move on. To try again. I blow a kiss to the sky and stand up. You were going to be Ginevra, after James’ mum.
“Goodbye, baby Ginevra.”
James had stood with me, and hand in hand we walked back into the house. The sunrise at our backs. We were breathing, holding on. To each other, to the hope of a second chance.
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
This story is written about James II and his wife Evalin. I wrote about their engagement in In Love With Your Laugh. It’s from Evalin’s point of view. This was something I felt I had to write, and I hope you like it.
I'd love a review telling me what you thought.
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by Miss Muggle