Chapter 19 : Chapter 19-I Leave With Every Piece of You
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It had been about a week since Draco’s detention and my overreaction. Things were still kind of off between us and I knew we were breaking our open communication rule every day. I watched Jade and Blaise enjoying their relationship and it was driving me mad. I was spending my Saturday locked up in my room while everyone else, including Draco, was at Hogesmeade. He had asked me to go but I had turned him down telling him I had some things I needed to sort out. He had simply nodded at me but I could tell he was pretty upset whether it was hurt or pissed I wasn’t quite sure. However, I was determined to spend the day trying to figure out how to get this rough patch over and done with.
I pulled out a quill and piece of parchment and began writing everything that came to my mind completely unhindered since if I chose no one would ever see it. After thirty minutes I scrapped the piece I had and started again. I did this several more times and then several more. They were too mean, or too nice, too direct or not direct enough every single one had a flaw whether I had worked on it for five minutes or an hour none of them were right. My dorm room was littered with crumpled parchment and I just continued to add to it. I sighed and chucked the ink well across the room why couldn’t I get this right? I took a deep breath I just need to relax and be honest but not in a brutal way.
I pulled out a new in well and new piece of parchment and vowed this was the last time this one would be the final one I wrote.
You are the love of life this is obvious by the fact that no matter how your once treated me I could never stop loving you. But we can either be on fire so hot that we could burn up anything we touched or we can be so cold that there are mountains of ice between us. We need to work this out or let it go. Please don’t misunderstand the last thing I want to do is let this go but what is going on right now hurts. We need desperately to figure out how to trust each other completely. I know I am a problem but so are you. It is time to work on ourselves and our relationship or just continue to drift apart. We haven’t even kissed in nearly a week just sat next to each other and stared off into space. I love with all of my heart Draco and I am sorry for the part I have played in the problems we are having. Logically I know you wouldn’t cheat on me but my heart is slower to believe and I don’t know why. Just like I know logically you know I am not going back to Tristan but I guess me being with him hurt your heart pretty badly. We need to decide to let the past go finally or not to. I will always love you.
I read it over several times and it wasn’t perfect but it would do. Plus it was getting late and I wanted to give this to him before dinner which was only in about two hours. I figured he could read it and then think on it at dinner and we could hopefully talk and begin working it out afterwards.
Down in the common room I found Jade and Blaise back from Hogesmeade but no Draco. I had figured he would have been with them and it made me uneasy that he wasn’t but I tried to push that back. I need the part of me that did trust Draco to just envelop the part that didn’t but that was easier said then done.
“Hey where’s Draco?”
“Anyone getting a sense of déjà vu?” asked Blaise.
Jade elbowed him, “He left Hogesmeade after only like an hour hun we thought he was back here with you.”
I shook my head and bit my lip concentrating on hard on keeping my mind away from where it desperately wanted to go. I sat in an armchair and let out a sigh.
“So how was your trip today?”
“We had a good time very crowded today though don’t know why but it seemed nearly every student was there today.” Jade said.
“Yeah it took ages to get into that girly little tea shop,” Blaise muttered to which he received another elbow.
“Every shop was packed so we didn’t really go into any,” Jade said in an annoyed tone.
I leaned back in the armchair as Jade continued to go on about how crowded it was. I was trying to think of all the optimistic reasons Draco wasn’t around but it was so hard and images of him off somewhere with some other girl kept filling my mind. Jade was waving her hand in front of me I guess she realized I had drifted her and out of the conversation she had thought we were having.
“You should have come Lina what did you stay here and do all day?” she asked.
“Wrote a letter to Draco I just want to get through this crappy period,” I sighed.
“You wrote one letter that long?” Blaise asked.
I chuckled, “Oh no I wrote many, many letters, most of them are sitting in balls on our dorm room floor. Along with a broken ink well that I should probably clean up.”
Both Jade and Blaise smiled at me as I got and went back to my dorm. I knew they wanted their couple time anyways and I really should get the shattered glass off the floor.
Walking back into the door just reminded me how tough the day had been, the finished letter sat on my bed while the rest were just reminders of failure. I stepped and heard the crunch of glass shaking me from my thoughts and reminding me why I came up here. I took my wand out of my pocket and with one flick my struggles had all disappeared all that remained was my triumph, the short letter still sitting on my pillow. I picked it up and went back to the common room to wait for Draco.
I had messed up. Like big time. There would be no coming back from this. I watched Selene get dressed with a smile from ear to ear plastered on her face.
“You okay Draco?”
“Just leave Selene,” I snapped.
“What are you going to go back to your little fiancée like this never happened?!”
I shook my head as I placed it in my hands.
“Draco answer me!” she snapped.
“Just get away from me Selene!” I bellowed.
She shrunk back and rushed from the room leaving me to contemplate what had happened how I went from Hogesmeade to the ROR with Selene. This pack week had been awful Lina and I we just it was like the spark had burnt out. I love her so much but ever since that night where we realized we didn’t trust each other things were just off. Neither of us had handled this well and here we were, here I was, right back to how we were. This was the end I knew it once she found out, and I had to tell her either I did or I knew Selene would at some point, everything we had been building would come crumbling down around me. I felt the tears begin to fall down my face and couldn’t stop them. My heart was absolutely breaking I was such an idiot.
I couldn’t even try to say it was because I was afraid to love her because that wasn’t this time. This time I was afraid of losing her so I went off and did the one thing I knew would for sure lose her. I was still crying and my chest was literally aching. I ran my hands through my hair trying to figure out what I would say to Lina but nothing was coming. I imagined the look on her face knew would start sobbing and even just imagining doing that to her again made me hurt even more.
After nearly an hour I finally mustered up my strength and made my way back towards the common room. I tried to walk as slowly as possible which just upset me more as I knew this was a trick Lina used often when trying to avoid a person or situation. I trudged on replaying our holiday in my head I couldn’t believe I had done this to us again.
I finally stood in front of the common room door and I knew moments from now she would leave me and taken all of my heart, all of me with her.
I was the only one in the common room while everyone else was at dinner. I sat on the couch with the letter next to me staring into the fire. I was fighting hard with myself to stop being so pessimistic about Draco. I heard the common room door open and turned smiling when I realized it was Draco.
“Hey baby!” I said in my most chipper voice.
He didn’t say anything and I realized rather quickly by his posture and what looked like tear stains on his face that this was not good. He didn’t even sit next to me just sat on the arm of couch looking at me and something was very off. His hair was rather tousled in a way that hair gets when someone has repeatedly run through hands through it usually from stress. I pulled my knees up to chest anticipating the need to hide my face in them. He was looking down now at his feet and I bit my lip. I didn’t want to say a word and it seemed like he didn’t either. Every hope I had that we would work this out was slowly dissipating the longer we sat in silence.
“I’m sorry Lina,” he finally said, the dying embers of the fire reflecting in his storm cloud colored eyes, “I am so sorry.”
“For disappearing again?”
He looked away again, “For sleeping with Selene.”
I felt my heart literally jump into my throat and then fall down into the very pit of my stomach. I didn’t move at all I was frozen then the tears began to fall. Hot and wet they scalded their way down my face and onto my knees quickly forming puddles. I said nothing. Suddenly the ring on my finger caught the embers too and I wretched it off and threw it at him. He caught it but didn’t move any more than that and I noticed tears sliding down his face.
I had been right all along and now here I was my heart slowly being ripped to little pieces again. Only this time it was so much worse. I flashbacked to the holidays and literally had to grab my chest I had given him all of me because I had to believe we could make this work because I loved him but I had been wrong. I should have held my ground our brief happiness was not worth the agony I was currently feeling or the despair I knew would follow. Despite my pain I wanted him to hold me after everything I just wanted him to hold me. Loving him and being with him had taken my entire heart and now shoved it into a meat grinder. I felt the tears begin to come more rapidly and the pain in my chest was growing. I was sniffling now and I knew I was far away from my mother’s mantra. I was completely broken.
I looked to Draco again he wasn’t looking at me he was watching the fire it was just about to die. It was fitting in an ironic way that the fire would pick now to finally burn out. I glanced from the fire now back to him and realized I couldn’t even fathom anger over my pain. I had to get away from him and I tried to will myself for the strength to walk away.
I picked up the letter that was next to me, “Here even though you have already made a decision this is for you.”
He took the letter and I heard him whisper as I walked away, “I love you Lina.”
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