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Chapter 18 : Chapter 18-Cold-Heart Look of Shame
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Talking probably wouldn’t fix anything anyways I had no way to really explain to Tristan how he left for break with a kind of girlfriend (even though we were broken up) and then part way through said kind of girlfriend was smiling and happy to be engaged to a guy she had claimed to hate. Actually thinking about that in those terms confused me and I had been the said kind of girlfriend!
I sat with Jade and Blaise at dinner but Draco was missing which really bothered me.
“Hey Blaise have you seen Draco?”
He said something but since he had just shoved a biscuit in his mouth I couldn’t make it out so I cocked an eyebrow at Jade.
“I am pretty sure he said he doesn’t know where he is.”
I nodded and muttered to myself, “That’s just great.”
I turned to the two goons on my other side, “Oi either of you seen Draco?”
They both shook their hands as they crammed food in their mouths. I rolled my eyes and went back to pushing my food around in circles; hopefully he just got caught behind in his last class. Jade and Blaise had gone back to be cuddled close and that just made me even more paranoid about where Draco was so I decided to go look for him. I got up and picked my bag up off the floor.
“Where are you going?” Jade asked.
“To find Draco,” I replied.
She kind of pursed her lips together, “Want me to come?”
“No I’ll be fine.”
I nodded and walked off deciding to check his dorm first. The walk to the dungeons only gave me more time to consider the worst case scenarios. What would I find in his dorm? Should I really be doing this? I reminded myself multiple times that I had ample time to turn back and go back to dinner but I just couldn’t. I trudged forward and my pace seemed to slow the closer I got to the common room. Once inside as if to delay myself even more I went to my dorm to put my bag up first before walking even slower to get to the boys dorms. Everything was so quiet which just made it eerie and I tried to push all my pessimistic thoughts to the back of my mind. As I reached Draco’s door I held my breath and gently turned the knob. I pushed the door open while holding my breath but no one was inside. I let out a sigh of relief but then one of worry and frustration. Where could he be?
My next thought was the ROR and that was a long walk I could really take my time on. As I walked through the corridors I desperately tried to come up with a good reason for Draco being missing, or at least any reason that didn’t involve him being shacked up with someone else. I picked up my pace a little bit realizing I would put myself in the looney bin if I kept trudging along letting awful thoughts run amuck in my head. I finally reached the spot and began to pace but no door appeared meaning someone was already inside. So I slumped down against the wall to wait. And wait. And wait.
I was unsure of how long I had been there when the door finally appeared. However it wasn’t Draco who came out instead it was the know-it-all and the ginger. Their eyes got kind of wide when they saw me there but they said nothing just joined hands and hustled off. Great now I was back at square one. I meandered back to the common room where I found Jade and Blaise necking on the couch.
She pulled away from him when I was walking past, “Where have you been?”
“Sitting in a corridor,” I sighed.
She pulled further back from Blaise, “Why?”
“Waiting to catch Draco cheating on me in the Room of Requirement,” I flopped into an armchair.
Jade chuckled and shook his head, “How are you two ever going to work?”
‘I’ve been wondering the same thing,’ but I didn’t say this thought out loud.
“He wasn’t in his dorm or in the Room of Requirement so I am out of ideas,” I huffed.
“Out of ideas for what love?”
I my eyes shot up to Draco as he entered the common room and made a beeline to where I was sitting.
“For where in merlin’s beard you have been!”
“Well I assure you I wasn’t there,” he smiled.
“I’m serious Draco!” I snapped leaning away when he tried to kiss me.
“Lina!” he protested.
“No, where were you?!” I demanded.
“I was in detention,” he replied.
“When did you get detention?”
“After Transfiguration when you headed off to lunch I hit Tristan in the face,” he said looking down at his feet, “McGonagall happened to be coming out of the classroom when I did it.”
“Why did you do that?”
“I’m sick of him staring at you,” he replied kind of sheepishly.
“Why didn’t you just tell me you had detention?”
He shrugged, “I guess I felt like an idiot.”
“Well you should,” I replied but I leaned back towards him.
He smiled at me and leaned down and kissed me, “I’m sorry babe.”
“You really should be Draco she went and sat outside the Room of Requirement for nearly two hours!”
“You did what?” he looked down at me, “Why?”
It was my turn to look down at my feet, “Uh well I you see-”
“She thought you were there with some girl.” Blaise said.
My eyes widened but I continued to stare down at my feet.
Draco slipped off the arm of the chair and knelt in front of me placing his hand under my chin, “I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you what happened but is that really the first place your mind went?”
I was kind of ashamed but I nodded and felt a few tears fall.
“Oh no don’t cry,” he said.
I sniffled a little but got myself under control, “I’m sorry Draco.”
He nodded but he still looked hurt, “Listen it was a rough detention I’m going to go to bed.”
I kissed his cheek and decided to head up to bed myself, mostly because I didn’t want to watch Jade and Blaise make out especially while I was feeling so low. I lay in bed staring at the top of the four poster with all the curtains drawn. If I really loved Draco, and I knew I did, I had to figure out a way to trust him. I could tell my reaction tonight had really upset him and I didn’t want that. I wondered what he was doing right now because from the look on his face I doubted he was going to sleep.
I sat on my bed desperately wishing Blaise was here to have a chat with. I was angry at Lina but I was also hurt and I wasn’t sure how to deal with this. The amount of emotions going on that were slightly unfamiliar were threatening to consume me. I couldn’t lose her I knew that but I also could be under constant suspicion. However, a part of me knew I deserved it after everything I had put her through.
I was vaguely missing my casual relationships that required no work, having a real relationship was not only painful but exhausting. Considering our last serious talk I wasn’t quite up for that level of awkwardness at the moment despite our agreement to openly communicate. So here I sat wishing I was holding her knowing I had to make this right. I was the only one who could gain her trust back, but how long would that take? I shook my head realizing I didn’t really want to ponder the length of time Lina might take to really trust me.
Just then the door opened and in walked Blaise.
“Thank merlin I really need to talk to you mate,” I said.
“About Lina?” he said knowingly sitting on his own bed.
“I don’t want her mind to immediately go to the worst place if something like this happens again.”
He sighed, “I don’t think I can really help you there man. She has to come around in her own time and you just have to let her do that. Keep showing her she has nothing to worry about and eventually she will believe that.”
I nodded, “I was afraid of that.”
He chuckled, “I know Lina can be stubborn but just be the devoted, doting boyfriend you have become and she will truly forgive the past. She loves you and you can tell she wants this to work but she hasn’t quite given up the pain you put her through. You can’t really blame her.”
I nodded again, “Yeah.”
“Plus you haven’t quite given up the past yet either. I mean hitting him outside a classroom really?”
“He stared at her all through Transfiguration!”
“That shouldn’t matter if you really believed she wasn’t going to go back to him.”
I sighed and scrunched my nose, “You are awful when you are right.”
“Then I must be awful all the time,” he winked at me, “You and her need to talk.”
“Oh merlin no! You have been too far down jade’s throat to notice but we did that already. It didn’t work and bloody hell was it weird.”
“That’s because neither of you has had a real relationship like this. Give it time you two will work it all out but you have to keep trying. The minute you stop trying in any aspect of this relationship is the minute it will fall apart.”
I bit my lip a little, “You’re right. Is she down in the common room?”
“No she went upstairs right after you.”
“Guess I will try and talk to her in the morning. Thanks for the talk mate.”
“Anytime,” Blaise smiled, “Can I go to bed now?”
I chucked one of my pillows at him and he threw it back before we closed both lay down and closed our curtains.
I heard someone come into the dorm a little bit ago but hadn’t bothered to check who. Now as I realized sleep was futile I poked my head out to see Jade on her bed.
“I’ve been waiting for you to stop hiding,” she commented.
“I wasn’t hiding!”
“Mhmm so why were hiding?”
“Well,” I paused, “Hey wait I wasn’t-”
“Oh save it hun what’s going on?”
“It was just a really hard day. I spent awhile wondering if I should try and talk to Tristan so he would stop his weirdness but I promised Draco I wouldn’t talk to him. So I convinced myself talking to him wouldn’t do any good because honestly my explanation sounded confusing inside my own head I couldn’t imagine how it would sound to him. Then I couldn’t find Draco and my immediate assumption was that he was cheating. I mean like you said downstairs how are me and him ever going to work if he’s doffing up Tristan and I think he’s sleeping around when he’s out of my sight for five minutes.”
“Whoa slow down Lina one thing at a time.” Jade said holding up her hands as she moved into a sitting position, “Let’s start with the easy one Tristan. Do not talk to him it is a bad idea you don’t owe him anything and talking to him will not fix anything.”
I rolled my eyes, “You are so insightful. I already figured that out I only mentioned it so you understood the major suckage of my day.”
She laughed, “Draco is a little harder because there is nothing anyone can say, not me or him, that will make you trust him. Because that is what is lacking here is trust that is something that will have to come in time.”
“Well how much time? I feel I am going to make this entire relationship fall apart!”
“Draco is not going to let anything fall apart and you aren’t either so don’t worry about that.”
“Maybe you’re right,” I said.
“I am always right,” she said smiling, “Just let yourself forgive him when you feel you are ready I know how you can hold on to things.”
I nodded, “Thanks sweetie.”
“You’re welcome now get some sleep before you overthink anything else.”
I made a face at her but she proceeded to close her curtains so I rolled over and closed mine as well. I closed my eyes tightly hoping for sleep to come quickly because otherwise just like Jade said I was bound to overthink something.
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