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The Troubles Of Being A Malfoy by May Potter
Chapter 4 : Great Form
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 4

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 "Wake you you fucking moron," 



Well that's a pleasant way to start the morning.



"May, wake up."



"Leave me alone Satan," I groan.



"Get up."



"Mummy five more minutes," 



"Malfoy if I was your mother I would kill myself after seeing what you'd become."



"Two then mum,"



Suddenly I feel a sharp strike across my cheek. "What the actual fuck!"  I shriek and my eyes fly open and I see Dom standing over me dressed in her Gryffindor jersey and a pair of extremely short shorts.


"Dom, if this is some sort of wet dream I really don't want you here, no offense. You're just not my type."


Dom gives me a disgusted look. "Malfoy I am not interested in you in the slightest. Except of course as our Keeper, now get out of bed."



I roll over and pull the blankets tighter around me, "James said practice is at five, calm down yeah?"



I can practically hear Dom rolling her eyes, "Yes Malfoy, 5 in the morning."



I gasp and jump about 6 feet out of my bed and start looking in my trunk for my own Quidditch jersey and short shorts.



James is a bitch when it comes to coming to practice late and that is putting it nicely. My legs still hurt from that time I came ten minutes late to practice because I had detention with Chang and that arsehole made me run laps around the black lake, while he chased me on his broom screaming 'FASTER MALFOY MOVE YOUR FUCKING FAT ARSE.”


And this is the boy who is the son of the man who beat the darkest wizard of our time.


Let me tell you when it comes to Quidditch James Fucking Potter is worse than Voldemort reincarnated.


This is naturally common knowledge of everyone on the Quidditch team who likes being alive and not a decomposed puddle of goo.


So to put it simply, you are never late for Quidditch with James


After quickly ducking my head in the clogged sink of cold water and practically bathing in deodorant, Dom and I race down to the pitch with what is possibly seconds to spare.


Fuck I tripped. I think we just lost a millisecond.


“May come on!” Dom cries desperately as she pulls me right out of my stumble until we’re racing again.


Finally we make it to the bloody stinking pitch where James is standing with a hand on his hip and a condescending expression on his face.


“Don’t fucking start with me, we’re not late you disgusting maggot.” Dom snarls as she stalks past her cousin and intentionally shoving him while doing so.


Well I think she just summed up all of our feelings.


James on the other hand looks rather awake and quite eager to start practice while Mathew Wood stood next to him with a determined look on his face.


That bloke really needs to calm down about Quidditch.


If his dad hadn’t been on Puddlemere United, also known as the best team to ever exist. I would have clocked him.



“Well it looks like the entire team is here, let’s go strategize.” James says loudly and I resist the urge to shove his broom up his arse and we all follow him into the changing rooms where everyone races to the benches to try and grab one to sleep on, unfortunately through this entire tumble none of us actually got one. The seating arrangements went with Albus and Scott Grey sleeping on one another and trying to keep their distance from Mathew who was acting like Rose during transfiguration and perched upon the end of the bench and looking at James with an earnest expression.




Fred, Dom and I had bagged the second bench and were all rest upon each other in some sort of weird contorted way.


And after a thoroughly boring and stupid ‘strategizing session’ which mainly consisted of James screaming at us as a group and then individually. And finally he finally sent us out on the pitch.

“Alright you lot hand in your brooms here.” James said in a bossy sort of fashion.

“Um excuse me great one, but in case you haven’t realized this is Quidditch. Brooms are sort of a necessity.” I say while protectively clutching onto said broom. If that arsehole Potter thinks he’s coming anywhere near my baby he’s got another thing coming.


James rolls his eyes, “You’re exercising Malfoy. You lot are running rounds around the pitch.”


This was the cause of a lot of groans and furious protests from the group.


“No one cares about exercise James,” Albus groans but doesn’t say anything more for possibly the first time in his life. I think this is possibly the only time he’s ever actually shut his mouth.


“James I could be a fucking fat arse for all it matters as long as my bloody broom doesn’t break underneath me.” I state as I nonchalantly pick a piece of lint out of the bristles of my broom.


James looks indignant but Matthew is even more furious. “I’ll have you know that a proper physique is essential for Quidditch, it’s not just a mere sport it’s an art that must be…”


“Are you mentally unstable?” I cut off.


Dome speaks at the same time. “Wood no one gives a flying fucking fart in Azkaban that you’ve swallowed Quidditch through the age and are regurgitating it.  You have to be psycho to think we’re running laps. And quite frankly there’s nothing you, or you,” She says with a pointed glance at James. “Can make me or May do it.”


“Yeah!” I say triumphantly feeling quite empowered by Dom’s speech.


“Dominique you are a fool.” I wince as we climb the stairs to the dorms.

“Malfoy last I checked you were the once who couldn’t stop bragging about how no one can tell you what to do, you just fueled the sodding fire.” She mutters but without any actual venom possibly because she’s too tired too even put in the effort.


“At least I didn’t bloody start it! With that effing speech of yours!” I protest and I feel as if my legs are going to collapse underneath me


Dom ignores this. “Why don’t they have elevators around here?” She groans furiously.


“What the sodding hell are elevators?’


“They’re like these muggle things, I went in them when Aunt Hermione took us to some muggle mall once.  They’re like these box things in a vertical corridor that move up and down to bring you to different floors.”


I am appalled. “That sounds dangerous, do they have like a bloke using levitation charms to take it up and down?”


“Muggles May. They use wires and stuff. Aunt Hermione told me all about it.”


I audibly gasp. “Why didn’t they teach us more useful stuff in Muggle Studies? Instead of rubbish like ekelectricy?”


“Electricity.” Dom corrects.


“Tomato tomahto.” I say. “Fogwabbit.” I say to the Fat Lady/


“Too right!” She says cheerily and lets us in but not before downing another the rest of her drink.


“Isn’t it awfully early for her to be drunk?” Dom says loudly letting her voice carry over to the Fat Lady. 


“I suppose when you get to that age you sort of just let go.” I reply.


The Fat Lady looks indignant at this but obviously hasn’t been deterred by this and responds by promptly drinking more wine.


Wonder if I should try that. Would work I reckon.


“That Wood is Satan.” Dom groans as we climb up to our dorm promptly scattering every junior in our way.


“As if James is any better, “ I mutter and fall onto my bed.


Dom snorts. “Aunt Ginny and Uncle Harry should’ve never had him, he’s useless.”


I crawl under my covers. “They shouldn’t have had any.”


Dom giggles. “For Harry Potter’s sons they totally suck. Lily is the only acceptable being among the Potter kids.”


 “Pity she’s not going to be the one passing down the family name.” I sigh.


Dom looks saddened by this as well but our conversation is promptly cut off by both of us passing out the second our heads hit our pillows.




“May no one wears make-up to Quidditch. What’s wrong with you?”


“To be fair Malfoy has a point for once, besides its with Mark Davies. Sexy Mark Davies.” Dom calls from her bed


I roll my eyes and darken and thicken the line beneath my right one. “Dom’s right for once. It is sexy Mark Davies. This is the only date I’ve had in centuries.”


Molly giggles. “Need I remind everyone of Nicky Podmore?”


The three of them roar with laughter and I can do nothing but glare. “Ok that’s not funny at all.”


Rose cackles with laughter, “I forgot about that! He sent May that break up note in transfiguration. Then McGonagall read it to the class!”


The fall into a series of giggles again. “You guys are the worst friends anyone can have.”


“Yeah and then May transfigured him into a toad using that spell McGonagall had been teaching us!” Rose exclaims.


Molly snorted. “And then Professor McGonagall gave 50 points to her for successfully completing the spell!”


I roll my eyes. “That’s because she felt bad because she read it to the class.”


“Still probably the most hilarious incident to ever happen.”  Dom laughs.


“Its not even funny!” I snap with a mad wave of my hands. “Now goodbye you cackling bunch of psychopaths I am off to meet the sexy Mark Davies.”


“Have fun!”


“Use a condom!”


“Remember you can get pregnant even if you have sex standing up!”

I slam the door hard.




I race down to the pitch for the second time today, thankfully this time for something more fun. Maybe with a little luck I’ll get to have a cheeky snog behind the posts.


If only.


Nicky Podmore might have been an arsehole but he was a damned good snog.


“Mark!” I call to him and race down the pitch.


He turns around and flashes me a huge grin. Oh god, I think my ovaries just exploded. How the fucking hell is it possible to be that hot?


Like how does that work.



“May, great to see you.” He says giving me a once over.


“Yup, ready to start playing Quodpot.”


“Quidditch May.”


“Potato Potahto.”


“Already so what do you need help with?”


“Hormones.” I mutter under my breath.


“Sorry, what was that?”


“Uh tore fores. I want reach for goals without pulling a muscle.”


I must say that I am rather impressive for coming up with something like that.


I am fabulous.


 “Alright.” Marks says looking eager. “Shall we get started?”




Dear fucking merlin this was the worst idea I’ve ever had.


And I have had many horrible ideas.


I could draw up an alphabetical list.


Mark is just totally not into me. I have been trying my fucking best to flirt with him but he just shrugs it off.


The worst part is it’s not even like ‘oh I’m not into you’. He thinks my advances are purely platonic.




Maybe he’s gay.



Yes yes this would make a lot of sense.



Perhaps I should set him up with Scorpius.



But do I really want Mark Davies as my brother-in-law?



I’d probably kill myself if Scorp got to fuck him and I didn’t.



Like hello doesn’t my life suck enough already without my twin brother stealing prospective men from me.



“Ok, I think that’s it for today.” I call to Mark and land.



He swerves and joins me. “You’re good Malfoy. Great form.”


I am unsure whether this is about my body or my Quidditch skills. How does one answer such a compliment?




Yes, that’s subtle.



Claps for me.



“So we’re done yeah?” I say.


“Yup.” He calls. “ So I’ll see you later then?”


I nod wordlessly. Maybe this is it. The moment I have been waiting for.


Mark reaches over and gives me a hug.


Holy fuck.


Sex on fucking legs is touching me, sex on fucking legs’ body is on mine, SEX ON FUCKING LEGS HELL YEAH


Oh dear I think I held on for too long.


“Bye May!” He shouts over his shoulder and I stare dumbly as he walks up to the castle and then hugs and kisses this girl and the two of them walk in together.


That’s nice.






He has a girlfriend.


I’ve been led on.


This is truly depressing.


Oh well at least I hugged sex on legs. Dom will be so jealous.


I will never take a shower again.


But, girlfriend.


Bloody hell he couldn’t have at least cheated on her and given me a snog? What’s with men and values these days? If I were him I would have banged me, I was as horny as fuck for him.


Depression all over again.


I start back to the castle slowly and make up my mind to go eat my bodily weight in the kitchens until of course I run into James Potter in the entrance hall.


“Goddess of love!  How was your date?”


I see Satan has left possession of your soul.


“I see Satan has left possession of your soul.”


James rolls his eyes. “First of all shut up and second of all  how was it?”


I scrunch up my face. “He has a girlfriend.’


James looks rightly appalled. “That bastard!”


I will love James Potter every day for the rest of my life.


He throws a comforting arm around me and steers me closer to the kitchens. “Kitchens yeah?”




“So are you sad? I know you liked him.”


“Eh, whatever. He was like Wood when we were playing, utterly disinterested in going for a snog when the brooms were around.”


James looks disgusted. “The thousands of opportunities Matty has wasted due to Quidditch.” He trails off and we both take a second to remember said wasted opportunities.


“He was hot though. Mark I mean.”


“I don’t see it quite personally.”


“Are you gay?”


“Well no.”


“Well then obviously you don’t. Men usually don’t have an appreciation for the same gender.”


“We will argue over this later. I’m sorry though. About Davies. But look on the bright side!”


“What bright side comes from this situation?”


“You can focus on snogging Al!”


I am horrified. “How is that a bright side?”


“Al looks like me, so technically you’ll sort of know what its like to snog me. And that is something all ladies should be educated of. Except I am of course a better kisser than Al.”  James says haughtily.


“Do you have some sort of mental problem?’


James scoffs. “Reverting back to the original topic, are you fine? Or shall I go beat up our esteemed head boy?”


“Yeah it’s not like we were dating. I just like him. Whatever. All the boys I know are like that.”


“Oi! I’m not like that!”


“All boys I date ok gosh.”


“Hey,” James says with a faint smile. “You’ll be fine. But no matter what arsehole you date, you know I’ll always be there for you right goddess of love?”


I roll my eyes. “You can’t always be there James.”


“No but I can try.”


“What if we fight?”


“Especially then.”


I was being to feel a bit too emotional so I socked him in the stomach.


"What the fuck Malfoy!"


I need to find a healthier outlet to express my emotions.



So I figured out how the rest of the story goes :) Also guys remember to review! Also favorite quotes! Favorite quotes! From all the chapters haha.


Also just out of curiousity, 

Al or James? Who do you like better?




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