Chapter 1 : truth be told.
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It all starts with water and ends with water. One molecule is made up of one oxygen atom and two hydrogen atoms.
Correction: One molecule is made up of one desire to release and two drops of hurt.
It is the perfect combination, really.
The mean lady asked me once if I did things obsessively, on that first day.
“Check the doors repeatedly to see if they are locked, maybe you change your clothes many times a day. Those kind of things.”
I had blamed it on my sensitive skin, and the cold weather. That’s what I told them anyway. The people at the bad place. But they figured it out, which was unfortunate.
(Why did you do it Molly?)
I love washing my hands. The feel of the soap and the soft bubbles. When in contact with the warm water, it just feels so good. My hands are clean and they smell nice all the time. I hate when my hands reek of food, it’s gross. I hate it, absolutely despise it.
I would scrub and scrub and lather foam on.
It was much later when the warm water turned into hot water.
(Why are your hands so raw, Molly?)
It was later still when my hands were scrubbed with steel, rather than flesh.
Near the end, it wasn’t about me loving to wash my hands.
(I lost my mittens, Dad.)
When they started bleeding, yeah it pissed me off.
That was when they noticed.
They asked questions and I yawned. They were worried.
I did do it for the attention. It was that atom of desire and the two drops of hurt I talked about.
This is me.
(They called it self harm. I called them stupid.)
I am in the bad place now. It is not fun. But I’m feeling better, I suppose. The sadness is going away, but sometimes it comes back. My family visits every day, especially my Mum. I don’t let Rose or any of those people from the other part of my family come see me. Dad said they had to know about my condition, because they were blood and still family.
I told him they were annoying.
The bad place is strange, but the mean lady tells me every day that once I am better, the bad place will be a good place, and then she will say, “I told you so.” I don’t understand what she means by that so I just stay quiet.
I have water only four times a day, and the mean lady has to watch me in the bathroom. I get one glass in the morning, one with lunch, and one before bed. She gives me an extra just in case I feel thirsty.
I once joked and told her that it was funny how it all starts with water and ends with water. She didn’t find it too amusing, though.
And I guess I understand why.
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