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Chapter 14 : The Death of a Tryst
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“No, I really should be off. My mum will want to see me for New Years. Thank your parents for having me.”
“Oh come on Everard, don’t be such a party pooper!”
“No, really James I think it’s best I be off.”
“Bee?” Came Remus’s voice from behind me.
“Moony! Thank Merlin! Talk some sense into this girl! She wants to leave before midnight!
That’s just not courteous.” Remus rolled his eyes at his friend who was pouting at me.
“James let her go if she wants to. Let her spend time with her family, she lives with you almost every other day out of the school year.”
“Fine. But mark my words Everard, you’re going to be super sad you missed it when we get back to school and everyone’s telling stories about how wild this night was.”
“I’m sure I’ll recover somehow.” I shot back. James huffed at my remark.
“Here, let me walk you out.” Remus offered gently taking me by the arm and pulling me away before I could insult James any further.
“What’s up Bee?” He asked as soon as we were out of earshot. I just shrugged.
“Just another fight with Black. Nothing out of the norm. No worries.” I tried to act casual, but I should have known Remus would be able to tell how torn up I actually was.
“Is your mum really home for new years?” I glanced up at him before I shook my head.
“No, she and Jackson went to visit his parents in muggle London. They wanted me to come, but idiotically I came here instead.” Remus gave me a sad smile.
“It wasn’t idiotic of you to come and spend time with your friends Bee.”
“No. But it was stupid of me to think I could,” I paused to take a deep breath, fighting back tears. “To think that I could spend time with him without feeling as though I was drowning.” A tear escaped the corner of my eye and I angrily wiped it away. Since when did I cry? Especially over a bloke. This was not me, and it was not who I wanted to be.
“Do you want me to come stay with you tonight?” He offered gently. I shook my head and forced a sad smile.
“No, no. I’ll live. Honest. I just need to go sort my head out on my own for a bit, that’s all.”
“Okay.” He said cautiously. “Are you sure?” I nodded and made to turn, but he pulled me into a hug before I could leave.
“Owl me if you need anything, and I’ll be there in an instant.” He said quietly before kissing me gently on the top of my head and pulling away.
“I will.” I promised, and before Remus could see the tears spilling from my eyes I turned on the spot, and vanished.
Two hours later I was stepping out of the bathroom after a long, warm shower. My hair was wrapped up in a towel, I had on my coziest pair of sweats, and I was in one of my father’s old jumpers. It had long ago lost the smell of him, but it remained a source of comfort none the less.
I was making my way down the hall to my room when I heard a knock at the door. I assumed it was Remus coming to check on me on his way back from the Potter’s. So I shuffled over to the door and opened it without a thought.
But the person standing in the door was not Remus. No. It was the boy I had just spent the last two hours crying about in the shower.
“Sirius?” I asked, taken aback. He glanced at me sheepishly and ruffled his hair.
“That’s a good look for you.” He muttered. It was then I realized what I must look like. I glowered as my anger from the evening came flooding back at the comment.
“What could you possibly want, Black.”
“To talk. Can you come out here? I don’t want to wake your mother and stepfather.”
“My hair is wet and it’s cold out. Not only that, but I have no desire to speak with you ever again.” He looked hurt at that, but straightened up and looked straight at me.
“I deserve that. But I really want to talk to you Bee.” I hesitated, but opened the door and finally allowed him to step inside.
“Where can we go so we don’t wake your mum?” He asked as I closed the door behind him.
“They’re not home. They’re in London.”
“Oh.” Was all he said. I rolled my eyes.
“If you’re going to stay for a while take off your stuff and come sit down.” With that I turned and walked away down the hall and into the kitchen. By the time he entered behind me I was turning the stove on to boil water for tea.
“Would you like some?” I asked stiffly. He nodded in response. There was a few minutes of silence after that. I looked down at my nails and began to fiddle with them. I wasn’t going to be the one to break this silence. He came here. If he wanted to talk to me, he would have to man up and do just that. Another minute of silence.
“Look, Bee.” He finally said, jumping me a little with the abrupt change in silence. I chanced a glance at him, he was eyeing me steadily.
“Why are you here Sirius?” I asked defensively.
“I wanted to talk you you.” My blood began to boil at that.
“I bleeding well know that already don’t I? That’s the first sodding thing you said to me when you got here. What do you want to say to me that I haven’t already heard. Spit it out or leave because, honestly, I can’t deal with your bloody presence much longer.” He didn’t snap back at me like I was expecting though. Instead, he straightened up and looked me dead in the eye.
“I want to talk about why we are where we are.” I rolled my eyes.
“We’re standing in my home because you barged in here at 1:30 in the blasted morning.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I bloody well know that Black. But you being fucking cryptic as usual isn’t going to get us anywhere either. So either form a rational, intelligent response or sod off because I’m getting awfully sick of your shit.” Sirius opened his mouth to respond, but at that moment the kettle began to squeal signalling the water was ready.
I pulled two mugs downs from the cupboard and poured us tea. I handed it to him gruffly then stalked out of the kitchen and made my way to den where I plopped myself down on the sofa. He followed me in. He was looking at me warily, like I was a rabid animal who might switch gears and maul him at any moment. I sighed deeply, and every ounce of fight I had left washed out of me.
“Come sit down Sirius.” I said, rubbing my temple. He did so, and we sat there for another silent moment. before he spoke.
“I just want to know why we’re really done Bee. I want to know what I did, or what you’re thinking, or of there’s something else entirely. I just.” He paused and looked straight into my eyes. “I just want to understand.” He finished. His tone was sad. Pleading. I sighed deeply.
“I just. I don’t trust this. Us. And not just you, and not just myself. Relationships in general. They just, they don’t work.”
“That’s not true Bee.” He said, putting his mug down on the table and reaching a hand out to grasp mine, but I pulled away from him.
“It is Sirius. Think about it. You’re either going to break up or die. It’s just not worth it. At least not for me.” I looked away from him. I couldn’t bare to see his expression.
“There’s always another option. You could be together with someone you love, forever. You could have children and get married and be happy. You could live a happy life. Not everything ends badly.” My eyes were starting to sting. I stood up and made to walk away from him, but he was fast and he took hold of my hand. He forced me to look up into his eyes. His stormy eyes were bright with ernest and a twinge of sadness.
“Bee, people can be happy.” He said, cupping his hand underneath my chin. A tear escaped my eye.
“I can’t be.” I said, weakly. His eyes softened, and before I could pull away, he had pulled his face down to mine. Then our lips touched in the sweetest kiss I had ever received. It was full of love, and promise and hope. I could feel his messages of trust and his sincerity. And all too soon, he pulled away.
“I would make you happy Bee. I swear to Merlin, I would.” Tears began falling from my eyes at more of a rapid pace now. But Sirius wiped them away with his thumb. His gaze was full of sadness now. And he took a deep breath before he continued.
“I would make you happy Braxtany. But right now I know I’m just making you sad. And I never want to do that on purpose. So I’m going to leave you alone. I’ll be your friend. But nothing more. But when, and if, the day comes where you want me back. I’ll be here.” He closed his eyes and pulled me to him. I wrapped my arms tightly around him and tried not to completely break down right there. Sirius pulled away slightly and rested his lips on my forehead.
“I love you Braxtany Everard. One day you’ll see that.” He whispered against my skin before he gently kissed me. And without another look at me, Sirius pulled away completely, and walked out of the room.
Leaving me alone with nothing but my own tears and that horrible, hollow feeling in my gut that was threatening to swallow me whole.
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