Chapter 1 : The Voices Inside Your Head
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Thanks to milominderbinder@tda for the awesome CI!
September 3, 2024
As far as starting off sixth year goes, waking up with a pounding head and a nauseating feeling in the pit of my stomach on the third day of school wasn’t where I was hoping to go. I laid in bed and kept my eyes closed. I knew that the second I opened them my head would go from painful to unbearable. Lucy, you have to get up. Gwen is waiting for you. My mental pep-talk seemed to work because I sat up and slowly opened my eyes, preparing for the worst. Luckily my roommates seemed to have the frame of mind to shut all of the curtains before going to bed last night, and the pain was not as deadly as anticipated.
Peering around the sixth year girls Hufflepuff dorm, I found all of my roommates were asleep, and was satisfied with that fact.They’re all friendly girls, in fact probably the friendliest you’ll meet, true Hufflepuff’s if you ask me. I was always a little upset that I got placed in a house separate from my entire family. My older sister Molly got placed in Ravenclaw, most of our other cousins ended up in Gryffindor. Except for Al, poor bloke got stuck in Slytherin. Which really isn’t so bad I suppose, I mean, I’d rather be a Slytherin than a Gryffindor. Everyone pays attention to the Gryffindors. I would rather be invisible, one thing that Hufflepuff granted me. Nobody really pays attention to the Hufflepuffs unless they make a scene. I rolled out of bed, and as quietly as possible grabbed my clothes and tiptoed into the bathroom. As nice as the ladies are, they’re nightmares in the morning, and I’d rather not wake them up this early.
I bypassed the mirror, not caring to look at my reflection, and instead I jumped right into the shower and enjoyed the way the hot water seemed to make my headache and nausea go away. I washed my hair and as I rinsed the soap out, I admired the new brown colour I had dyed it this summer, much to my parents’ dismay. One thing Hufflepuff couldn’t hide me from was the Weasley trademark hair. Nobody misses you when you’ve got the same colour hair as the rest of your family members. Which is one of the reasons why I dyed it, less people would recognize me if I didn’t look like my relatives.
I climbed out and dried myself off, disgusted with the way my legs shook as I patted them dry. Pulling my clothes on I looked at myself in the mirror of our bathroom, pulling at the skin on my arms and neck to see how I would look if I were only skinnier. Roxanne is always telling me that if I got any smaller I’d be a twig, but she’s my cousin. She’s obliged to say those things.
I picked up the makeup that my roommates and I always leave spread all over the counters and floors and began to powder my face, trying to cover up some of the bags under my eyes. Dissatisfied with my appearance, but giving up, I opened the door as quietly as possible and snatched my bag and shoes before making my way down out of the dorm.
I looked at the empty common room and couldn’t help but smile. Another thing about Hufflepuff is how welcoming and warm our common room always feels. It’s like being in a ray of sunshine. I find it hard not to smile upon walking in, even after six years.
I bounced around the room as I put my shoes on, and stumbled my way out of the passageway, cursing at my luck as I fell out into the hallway. I was thankful that it was still early enough for the older students to be recovering from the previous night’s party, and the younger students not disciplined enough to get out of bed early. Well, save the Ravenclaws. I made my way through the halls towards the Great Hall and found myself wishing I didn’t have to go. I really dreaded mealtimes, and school gatherings in large numbers. Everyone looked me, I’m the unknown Weasley. The weird Weasley. If it weren’t for Gwen, I would be in the library reading, or hanging out under a tree by the lake. It’s not like I plan on eating anyways.
Not unless you want some more fat rolls. The voice in my mind was nagging at me, and I shook my head and tried to focus on the paintings, shutting it out. You don’t deserve to eat, only skinny girls can eat. I grabbed at my head, forgetting my surroundings for a moment. I was a second away from banging my head against the wall. Anything to get this voice out. It made me want to turn on my heels and run back into the common room. The voice is enough to make me want to hide in bed and not be seen. It’s always nagging at me, telling me I’m not good enough. Not good enough to be a Weasley, not good enough to be in a more prestigious house.
You’ll never be a genius like your sister or Rose, you’ll never be popular and loved like James or Albus.
No, you’ll always just be that other Weasley.
The forgotten one. Hiding in the shadows.
Nobody ever cares about Lucy Weasley.
I found myself standing in the doorway of the Great Hall, and quickly dropped my hands. There were few students here, most of them first years who were too interested in the castle to pay any attention to me. I pulled at my uniform and played with my hair. Walking into this room always made me nervous, like I’m being judged. Because you are, they’re all looking at you.
I faltered in my stride, but kept walking towards Gwen’s waving hand, motioning for me to join her at the Ravenclaw table. Gwen has been my friend since we first got on the train in first year. Roxanne, Gwen and I were always the inseparable trio, and often alternated spending entire summers at each others’ houses. But Gwen and I have a secret that only Roxanne knows about. We’re not exactly just friends.
I slid onto the bench next to Gwen and smiled at her. I remember seeing her on the train the very first day and thinking her hair was sunshine. I even told her that, she laughed and said my hair reminded her of sunsets. We were inseparable from then on.
I snapped out of my thoughts when I felt her hand cover mine, and I gave her a weird look and pulled my hand away, but covered by reaching to get a piece of fruit. Why would she show a public display of affection? She knows I’m not ready to tell the world. She even told me to take my time! She doesn’t love you, she just wants your fame. I shook my head at the voice and played with the fruit I had put on my plate.
“So, Lucy, are you ready for Herbology?” Gwen was clearing her throat, and something in her tone sounded awkward to me. I frowned and looked up from my plate.
“Of course I am, Gwen, it’s the only class I’m good at.”
“Right, yeah, spaced. How are you feeling?” Gwen shoved food in her mouth right after asking the question and wasn’t exactly looking at me. What on earth is up with her?
“My head was killer, don’t remember a thing, of course. What’s going on?” I looked around to make sure no one was looking before putting my hand over hers on the table for a brief moment.
“Nothing, nothing, just feeling funny. Aftermath of the firewhiskey.” She pepped up considerably, and though I was confused I dropped it and went back to playing with the fruit on my plate. “You should really eat your food, Luce, not play with it.” Gwen gave me a knowing look, and I sighed as I very gingerly put a grape in my mouth.
“I am eating, I’m just not hungry.” You better not be hungry.
“You’re never hungry, and playing with your food doesn’t count as eating. Have a piece of bread. It’s great with the jam.” She took it upon herself to give me Jam and bread, and I took it, biting off a very small piece from the corner. I began to nibble slowly around the edge of the bread, not really eating much.
The downside to eating breakfast while no one’s in the Great Hall is that it gives Gwen plenty of time to make sure I eat, and I can’t really get away with it. I mean, it’s great that she looks out for me and all, but, I’m really fine. I want to look perfect for her, I don’t want her to think I’m not pretty, or that I’m fat. But you are. I don’t need to eat loads of food like everyone else does. You really are taking the puff in Hufflepuff a little too seriously.
I frowned as the voice nagged me once more, and looked over to the doorway of the Great Hall as I heard voices echo in the halls. I felt the flutter of panic in my belly at the idea of people coming into the Hall. They’re judging you. You’re too grotesque for this school. You’re not a good enough Weasley. Gwen must’ve seen the look on my face because she nudged my foot with her own, and rubbed her leg against mine under the table.
“I don’t think they have enough functioning brain cells to recognize anyone at this time of morning. Eat your bread, stop playing with it.” Gwen’s comment distracted me enough to look down at the bread in my hand and see the mangled mess I had created. Delicious.
People were coming in and whispering before settling in to eat, and as voices filled the Hall, I felt more paranoid than usual. Are they talking about me? Yeah, they're talking about how much they don’t like you. I shook my head and looked at my plate, with half eaten pieces of food scattered on it. Did you not see the cellulite on your legs this morning? I did. That's where all this food is going.
“I’m going to go wait outside the class. I’m sure Professor Longbottom won’t mind some help setting up.” I stood up and grabbed my bag, the door the bathroom just down the hall catching my eye, but Gwen stood up with me and joined me. There goes that plan.
As we made our way out of the Great Hall more and more students were trickling in, and I couldn’t help but think that they were talking about us. Why? It’s not like Gwen and I have ever attracted much attention before. Gwen’s second in our year, but none of these students would really care about that. I’m not exactly the most popular Weasley the school has ever seen. No, you’re the least popular. I shrugged off the whispers and the looks, they could be talking about anything. There was a party last night, who knows?
We got out of the Great Hall and made our way slowly through the halls, I wasn’t particularly interested in actually getting to class so early. I just didn’t want to sit in the Great Hall with so many students there. Especially not when I had more than one nagging feeling that they were talking about me. We walked up to one of the benches set by the windows in the Hall and sat down closest to the stone pillar, so I could rest my head against it and just close my eyes. I didn’t want to see people, or deal with people. They don’t want to see you either.
Laughing, I swear I heard laughing. I opened my eyes and could’ve sworn that they were pointing at me. At us. Why on earth would people point at Gwen and me? The worst thing I’ve ever done is push Molly down the stairs, but that doesn’t count because everyone applauded me for it. I was snapped out of my thoughts when a student who was a year below us ran by and yelled, “Freaks!”
“Was he speaking to us, Gwen?” My head snapped to my left to look at her, but instead of meeting my gaze like she normally would, she looked down at her feet in silence, were those tears on her face? “Gwen?”
She shrugged. Honestly, what is going on today? More students passing, I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t, they were talking about us. Why? What did we do? I could feel my face turning red as I got frustrated with the lack of an answer. Another kid walked by, muttering something about us being weird. I grabbed his arm and pulled him in front of me.
“What did you just say?”
“I said gross.” He tried to act tough but I could see beads of sweat beginning to form. He couldn’t possibly be afraid.
“Why?” Why would he say gross to us? Do we smell? Do I smell? I can’t smell, I just showered! Maybe it’s all the food you ate, fattie.
“Why don’t you ask your girlfriend?”
Shit. That wasn’t the answer I wanted.
I told you no one likes you.
Thanks so much for reading! This chapter is one of probably three or four! It was definitely much harder to write than my normal stories, but it was fun!
This is my first attempt at writing both Angst and Slash, so do go a bit easy on me!
In case it was confusing during the story, all of the italicized bits are the voice in Lucy's head, pretty much her low self-esteem just making itself known.
I'd love a review, know how I'm doing, what you thought, what you think will happen next! Did you hate it? Love it? What do you think of Lucy and her voice? Our OC Gwen, how's she?
Much love to Kenpo for reading through this first chapter and making sure it was all well and good to be posted!
Thanks so much for reading!
Edit 1/14/14: Fixed some grammatical errors and tweaked the voice a bit.
Edit 2/5/14: Added date to top of story
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