Chapter 14 : The Magnanimous congratulations of Mr James Potter II.
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A/N A review from Court originally gave me the idea to see what would happen on a double date! So here it is and thank you! Hope everyone enjoys it! leave me a review and let me know if there are any characters you want to see more/less of or any other suggestions!
The double date was an unmitigated failure. The beginning was so horrifically awkwardly silent that I genuinely considered giving myself violent diarrhoea since Scamander wouldn’t play along, just so I could leave.
When Rose and Malfoy went to buy the first round of drinks I turned to him desperately.
“I do not want to be here.”
He snorted, “That has been made abundantly clear.”
“It’s fucking awkward!”
“Because you’re making it awkward.”
“Please believe me,” I assured him, “This date does not need my help to make it awkward.”
“But it does need your help to make it not so. She’s your cousin, you love her and this is bothering you. Just talk to her, you don’t have to say you’re sorry or bring up the whole thing with Al…”
“What thing with Al? The thing where she fucked up my relationship with him because she’s a passive aggressive coward?”
He sighed, “Well that won’t help.”
“If I stay…”
“There is no if, we are staying.”
I glared and repeated myself firmly, “IF I stay, you need to make out with me in the bathroom.”
He blinked, “Excuse me?”
“If I have to stay on this fucking traumatic jaunt you’ve concocted I deserve some sort of sexual reward, in the bathroom.”
He heaved an exaggeratedly romantic sigh that sounded like a southern belle swooning, “I always knew you were a classy lady…”
“Shut up. I’m going now, excuse yourself in five minutes.”
He winked and I walked away, thoroughly startling a gentleman in the men’s room.
“Closed for cleaning,” I said flatly.
He looked alarmed, “But…”
“Use the ladies room, someone shat blood all over the floor in cubicle three and we need to clean up…”
“But I was just in cubicle three”
“Cubicle three from stage left or stage right?”
Blinking, he turned around and counted, “umm stage left?”
“Then cubicle three from stage right is covered in blood and shit, now beat it.”
Looking terrified he obeyed this instruction.
A very enjoyable half an hour after Lysander joined me we went back to the table to see Malfoy sitting alone.
He smirked when we approached, “Subtle, very subtle.”
“You have a dirty mind,” I said primly as we sat down, “I had a crisis and required comforting.”
He snorted, “I’m sure you did. The man you kicked out of the men’s room just informed the bartender that someone shat blood on the floor and Rose got really alarmed that Scamander was ill again so I had to explain you’d ditched us to make out in a men’s room. She wasn’t pleased.”
“Oh dear, what a loss,” I muttered.
Lysander kicked me, “Where is she?”
“She went to the ladies room.”
I looked around the table suspiciously, “Where is my drink?”
Malfoy grinned, “you snooze you lose when it comes to booze.”
“You sound like an alcoholic children’s character.”
Lysander rolled his eyes, “I’ll get another round then.”
When he was gone Malfoy turned to me, “I know you don’t like me…”
“What makes you say that?”
He blinked, “Is that not why you’re mad at Rose?”
“No!” I gritted my teeth in frustration, trying to find a way to articulate the root of the problem which no one seemed to understand, “I don’t have a problem with you Malfoy, I mean, I think you’re kind of a twat but that wouldn’t matter if Rose really liked you…”
“She does,” he interrupted smugly.
I rolled my eyes, “Like I said, you’re a twat. But that’s none of my business, Al will care, and James will care, Hugo will flip and uncle Ron will have a heart attack, so all I would say is that if you’re messing around, or you’re not serious, end it now because she’s going to cop shit for this, and it’s not fair if you’re only amusing yourself.”
“I’m not.” Malfoy looked as serious as I’d ever seen him.
I nodded, “Ok. But I’m not even mad at Rose! God! It’s such a fucking disaster. I’m not mad, I’m upset and I’m hurt! And I get that she was trying to keep it quiet, but she’s my friend! And I tell her everything and I hate that she didn’t trust me, and I hate that she felt that she needed to lie!”
“You know why she did though right?”
“I do,” I ran my fingers through my hair in frustration, “So I’m not even mad about that anymore, I get it, I really do. But what I can’t get over is that she ran to Al and caused this shit between him and I and let me take the fall for everything, that she didn’t stick up for me, because believe me, if the situations were reversed I would have stuck up for her, and I deserved better than that.”
Malfoy snorted, “you spend a lot of time talking about what you deserve Dom, did you ever wonder if Rose deserves better?”
I raised one eyebrow; looking him up and down deliberately, “Please believe me when I assure you that I know Rose deserves better.”
He chuckled, “Touche Dominique, Touche, I thought you were losing your touch.”
“That’s about as likely to happen as Uncle Ron throwing a party when he hears you’re fucking Rose.”
“I’m not that bad!”
I gave him a pointed stare, “you so are. But Uncle Ron would flip out if he heard there were any thorns in the Rose garden…”
He chuckled, “nice metaphor!”
I grinned, “thanks, I liked it, but anyway, the fact that it’s you will just be the straw that breaks the camels back… or a canon… fired repeatedly at the camel… either way the camel is lame or dead… and probably suffering ptsd.”
“It can’t possibly be as bad as you’re all making out,” he said flatly, “there’s not much her family can do? Yell, be pissed off and then get over it. Or take to drink like my father will and internalise everything into occasional barbs of bitter sarcasm while my mother mainlines prescription potions when she thinks we’re not looking.”
I blinked, “Oh my god, what the fuck sort of childhood did you have?”
“I was being sarcastic.”
I snorted, “Right, that’s why I’m overwhelmed with the sudden urge to hug you.”
He winked, “I knew you had a thing for me, but sorry Dominique my darling, I’m giving fidelity a fair shot.”
“Please, my sudden urge to hug you was more along the lines of, ‘oh no, someone whipped that poor innocent niffler’ let me go comfort it before it turns so vicious as a result of the trauma that it can never be re-homed.”
He chuckled, “is that some sort of sex game you play with Scamander? Who’s the niffler and who wields the whip?”
“You’re fucked in the head.”
He snorted, “I’m not the one who wants to whip Scamander’s niffler…”
A voice from behind us interrupted as Lysander returned from the bar looking appalled.
“I feel so violated.”
“Considering you’ve apparently punctured your bowl playing niffler games I make no doubt you’ve been violated at some point.”
Someone on the other side of the room dropped a glass and I grinned wickedly when I realised our conversation apparently had an audience.
“Can we make it through one double date without discussing hypothetical situations in which my boyfriend gets sodomised by a poker while dressed as a cuddly animal.”
Lysander choked on his drink and I noticed that the two other occupied tables all moved their chairs as far away from us as possible.
Rose, returning from the ladies room caught the last comment and sighed, “I really hate the discussions which seem inevitable in this family.”
“So do I,” Lysander assured her looking mortified as the bartender continued to stare at him in horrified curiosity, ignoring the broken glass.
“I quite enjoy them,” said Malfoy calmly as he took a sip of his fire whiskey.
I smirked and we clinked glasses, “to horrifying the innocent and unsuspecting public.”
“We could traumatise so many people!”
Lysander looked at Rose in horror, “No more playdates for our maniacs, I think it’s encouraging bad behaviour.”
She sighed resignedly and clinked her glass with his, “Deal.”
“Are you listening to me Dom?” Rose shot me an indignant glare as we walked back through the Honeydukes passage.
“Hmmm what?” I tore my gaze away from Lysander’s ass as he walked in front of us with Malfoy.
She laughed, “Were you checking out Scamander’s ass?”
“Yes. Yes I was.”
“How is that going by the way?” she asked, offering me a tentative smile, “you two seem really good together. When did that happen?”
I blinked, realising how much of my life Rose had missed in the few weeks we weren’t speaking, “just after… you know.”
She nodded, not wanting to talk about the fight either, “And you’re happy?”
“Yes!” I laughed, “Ridiculously so, knowing me though disaster will strike any moment.”
“Chaos,” Rose corrected with a slight smile, “not disaster.”
“There’s a difference?”
“Of course! You cause chaos sure, but it always works out well and you land on your feet, I don’t think there have been any disasters… yet.”
“It’s fine Dom,” she said kindly, “I accept your apology.”
I stopped dead in my tracks and narrowed my eyes, “I’m sorry?”
“I know, and I accept your apology.”
“Uh oh.” Lysander and Malfoy both turned around as if they sensed trouble.
“Rose, I’m not the one in the wrong here!”
She blinked, “Um, you started this.”
“I most certainly did not!”
“You attacked me!”
“I did not!” I shrieked indignantly causing Lysander to sigh and make a comment about indoor voices.
“I did not attack you!” I said in a more reasonable, though still indignant tone, “I’m sorry if you felt that I did, but I didn’t.”
Rose nodded, “Well I felt you did, so I accept your apology.”
She turned away to keep walking but I grabbed her shoulder, “Aren’t you sorry too?”
She blinked, “Why would I be sorry?”
“Oh no,” groaned Lysander.
“Why would you be sorry?” I demanded indignantly, “Are you fucking kidding me?”
“I had every right to keep my private life private Dom!”
“Of course you bloody did!” I yelled, “That’s not why you should be sorry!”
“Then why Dom? Because frankly trying to keep up with all the things that piss you off is exhausting.”
“You should be sorry because you caused drama between Al and I! You should be sorry that I never did anything to him or to you and now he won’t speak to me!”
“I don’t control what Al does and I shouldn’t owe you an apology because you don’t like his behaviour!”
“You told him I started this fight!”
“Well you did!”
“The hell I did!” I yelled, “You’re the one who decided to be a bad friend and a liar!”
“Rose is not a liar!” interrupted Malfoy looking indignant.
I snorted, “Oh really? Then why are the two of you still sneaking around after nearly two months Malfoy? Why hasn’t she told anyone yet?”
“I will!” snapped Rose.
“Oh really? And do you think they’ll be more or less accepting when you finally let the skeleton out of the fucking closet?”
“I’m neither gay nor dead,” Malfoy interrupted dryly.
“Shut up!” we both yelled.
“You’re just jealous!” yelled Rose.
I snorted again, “Why would I be jealous? My boyfriend isn’t a snotty blonde git and I can kiss him in public unlike some people!” I turned to Malfoy, “I hope you like broom closets because if you think she’ll ever be brave enough to tell anyone about you two you’re on crack! You’ve seen how much of a coward she is when she let me take the fall for our fight because she couldn’t bear being the bad guy! That shitstorm pales in comparison to you, so get used to secrecy Malfoy!”
“Ok,” interrupted Lysander calmly, “This was clearly a bad idea…”
“I know!” I sniffled, close to tears, “I told you that from the beginning!”
He chuckled, “so you did,” he shook hands with Malfoy, “sorry mate, try again later?”
“We’re never trying this ever again!” said Rose furiously, she too was crying but I noticed a stony faced Malfoy made no effort to comfort her.
“Fine by me!” I yelled, storming back out of the passage towards the common room with Lysander in tow.
“Dom!” Roxie sat down next to me at breakfast looking indignant, “Is there any particular reason that Rose made Lily swap beds with her last night because she said she’d jump in the lake before she shared a room with you?”
“She’s a fucking drama queen?” I suggested.
Lysander snorted, “Pot meet kettle?”
I glared at him but he just chuckled and kissed me, causing Roxie to roll her eyes.
“I don’t mind,” said Lily as she sat down next to Roxie.
“Well I do!” Roxie continued, “I like Rose a lot but this morning she asked me to clean my side of the room because the mess was making her ‘antsy’.”
“She’s mental,” said Hugo as he sat down on my other side.
“I’ve noticed something about your family,” said Lysander calmly as he continued to eat his dinner, “they’re a bit like locusts, the minute one arrives all the others come swarming over.”
“And they eat everything,” Roxie agreed, looking pointedly at mine and Hugo’s plates which were piled high with food.
He looked indignant, “I’m a growing boy.”
“Don’t you think this will make Christmas a little bit awkward?” asked Lily tentatively.
I blinked, “What? Hugo’s appetite? I’m sure Nana will make enough.”
“Not what I meant,” she said flatly, “I meant that having you and Rose and Al all not speaking does somewhat limit dinner conversation.”
“Plus you know the adults will notice something,” added Roxie.
“No they won’t…”
“If you think my mother won’t sniff out trouble the minute we walk in then you’re demented,” said Lily.
Lysander chuckled, “She did raise James, that has to give anyone a complex.”
“It’s not me,” I said for the hundredth time, “talk to Al and Rose.”
“We did,” said Hugo, “they told us to sod off.”
Roxie snorted, “Only because you called them gits and told them that Madame Pomfrey could safely remove whatever object is currently lodged in their ass.”
Lysander sighed, “Can this family make it through one meal without discussing the placement of foreign objects in peoples anus’s?”
Hugo and I considered this for a moment, “No,” we both agreed.
“Uh oh,” Said Lily turning pale, “Is that Excalibur?”
We all turned and Lysander looked disappointed, “Just so you know, I was expecting a sword.”
James’s owl had swooped into the hall with the post and dropped a bright red envelope in front of Albus.
“Is that a howler?” demanded Roxie sounding terrified.
“Shit,” said Hugo sounding gleeful.
And then the letter exploded and James’s voice filled the room.
“To whom it may concern…”
Al, several seats away, looked baffled, “why is he saying that? He knows our names.”
“You may wonder why I am not using your names, but you are acting like turds and are therefore unworthy of having names…”
“Did he just actually say turd?” Lysander looked fascinated.
“Shhh!” hissed Roxie, “You’re spoiling it! James’s letters are the best, but James’s howlers are like Christmas, puppies and ice-cream combined!”
“Not if you’re receiving them,” I said somewhat gleefully as I spotted the mortified look on Albus’s face.
“You and Rose ought to be ashamed! I didn’t write to Dom because I know she wouldn’t rat Rose out for whatever fight you’re all having but it’s not always her fault!”
“Hallelujah!” I muttered.
Lily chuckled, “you know life is fucked up when James becomes the voice of reason.”
“And I send my magnanimous congratulations…”
“Magnanimous congratulations?” Lysander mouthed looking stupefied.
I kicked him to make him shut up and stop distracting me.
“To Hugo, who appears to be the only one in the family who remembered that we’re a fucking team, we’re a fucking dream team! Hell we’re Camelot! We’re a fucking mythical city that ran super smoothly until some self-indulgent assholes decided to fuck everything up! So you know what Al you’re fucking Mordred! Yeah! You heard me! I’m the king of this little kingdom and you’re banished! Banished!”
“I feel like I’m listening to a paranoid schizophrenic have a nervous breakdown,” observed Lysander in an awed tone.
Hugo thought for a moment, “Not quite a breakdown, it’s like listening to someone with multiple personalities try and break up with one of their alter egos.”
“Someone should have gotten that boy therapy years ago…” agreed Roxie.
“Because you fucked with the Queen, Dom’s the Queen, and you know why Dom’s the Queen, because she protects all of you from everything and none of you ever think to return the bloody favour! And so what she’s demanding and vulgar and vain and shrill!”
“Thanks…” I muttered while Lysander went into paroxysms of laughter.
“She’s still your family! And you need to check yourself…”
Lysander turned to Al, “Before you wreck yourself,” he added solemnly.
Seeing Al looked like he was about to punch my boyfriend I hurriedly shushed him.
“And your attitude at the door.”
“This is wonderful,” Hugo looked gleeful, “I’d forgotten how much I missed James.”
“I’m passing the howler to Freddy now because I’m too angry and I need to go and kick something, but just so you know, the chair I’m kicking has a picture of you on it.”
Freddy’s voice filled the room, “It really doesn’t, it has a drawing of what looks like a tree with two circles I assume are breasts…”
“It’s clearly Albus! It’s a speccy git with two circles that are glasses!”
Al looked extremely affronted at this description of himself.
I chuckled at this description remembering my own interpretation of Lily’s drawings. It would appear that Al was the only Potter with any notable artistic ability.
“Anyway!” Freddy continued, “I reckon Rosie is just as bad, because she’s normally sensible, and no offense Rose but you don’t get to hide behind Al every time you and Dom disagree, plus, the fact that you won’t tell any of us what the fight is about makes me think you’re in the wrong, and Al is a git. Yeah. You’re both gits. See you at Christmas! My love to everyone! Tally Ho!”
I could hear scuffling as James wrestled back the howler.
“So you know what, I’m done talking to you! Done! You’re a massive fucking wanker tosspot and I hope that the squid decides to eat you! And then regurgitate you! And then eat you again! And then shit you out because you deserve it because you’re a massive disloyal asshole. And it’s not just the Dom thing! It’s you being an ass when I came to cheer you on as captain at your first match because you’ve developed some fucking PMS disorder! And possibly grown a uterus and a dementors soul! And I have nothing left to say but this is what I think of you!”
At this stage the letter began to let off a series of ear splitting shrieks, bangs and whistles which caused everyone in the room to scream and cover their ears in horror because the pitch and volume were so painful. I could only conclude James had produced these noises by violently assaulting a Hippogriff with a cactus.
The letter then exploded into a stream of red sparks and the great hall fell more silent than I have ever heard it, even McGonagall looked lost for words.
“That,” said Lysander, breaking the silence in an awed tone, “was the most impressive hissy fit I’ve ever heard.”
Solemnly Hugo raised his goblet of Pumpkin juice, “To the Magnanimous congratulations of Mr James Potter the second, whose meltdowns remain an art form.”
Al and Rose were the only people in the room who did not join this toast.
Hey! so a couple of people have reviewed asking about previour stories I wrote which were hidden, Are people interested in reading the two one shots about James and Lily later on if I get them unhidden?
Let me know and I'll try and update them and fix the issues if people are interested!
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