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Of Bets and Broom Cupboards by Dirigible_Plums
Chapter 1 : Of Bets and Broom Cupboards
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 7

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Awesome CI by Holly_Mist @tda!

There are three reasons why I am hiding in the broom cupboard opposite Filch's office like a Slytherin. Usually I am a manly man who isn't afraid of anything except for my mother and Lily and every female in my family - but this time I'll have to make an exception. And it's all because of:

1. Al the little shit

2. My evil family
3. Ursula Umbridge.
It all began at lunch, you see.

"James," she calls in what I'm sure is supposed to be a tantalising voice.
The cocky grins that all of my family usually wear simultaneously morph into looks of disgust and they share a look of both resignation and pity. I'm not quite sure whether it's for me or for themselves. My snake of a brother, Al, doesn't even attempt to muffle the rude groan that slips out of his mouth and he drops his head onto the Gryffindor table with a loud thud. His jet black hair bounces dangerously on his head. I squint at it- is that what my hair looks like from the back?

"James." There comes the she-devil's voice again. It's so- so...unpleasant. Nasal with a hint of arrogance and sweetness and an unnaturally high note somewhere within the tone. It knocks me sick.
"James," she snaps shrilly. "I know you can hear me! I'm standing right behind you!"
Shit. I have to actually turn around now. Painstakingly slowly, I turn round to face the girl. Even though I'm sitting down she's not even a foot taller than me with poppy red ringlets piled on top of her head and small heeled boots on her feet.

"Hey Ursula," I say reluctantly.
"Hello James," she smiles in that sickly sweet way of hers.

I internally shudder at the sight of the pink amethysts on her braces. The thing about Ursula Umbridge is that...she is very fond of the colour pink. She practically bathes in that shit everyday. Take her ensemble today for example. She's wearing a pink skirt that stops a couple of inches above her knees (how scandalous!) and has pink tights underneath it that don't even hint at skin. Her shoes are fuchsia, match perfectly with her cardigan and the slightly lighter blouse she has on underneath. To top it all off she has a bright pink bow in her hair.

She looks like a fucking paint bucket threw up on her.
"How did you find the Transfiguration mock examination?" she asks me. I feel like shouting that normal people call it an 'exam' but I restrain myself. "Well, I hope."

Somewhere behind me, Lily mutters, "And I hope that you drop dead, but that's not happening any time soon apparently."
"It was good," I say blandly. Maybe if I make this conversation as horrible as possible, she'll go away. The only reason I haven't bloody rejected her yet is because she might be a good shag.
What? She might be.

"Of course you'd find it easy," she simpers, batting my shoulder playfully.
Now you know those moments where it feels like everything is silent but it's really not? There's still the background noise of everyone else in the Great Hall talking but no one surrounding you is really saying anything because it's so bloody awkward. Yeah, this was one of those moments. The silence becomes deafening but no one is willing to break it. Al is still trying to knock himself unconscious instead of suffering Umbridge's presence (the bloody coward) and everyone is just staring glumly at her. Which is really weird considering this is my family I'm talking about. They never shut up.
Ursula Umbridge just stands there and waits for me to speak. I don't want to speak. I want to eat the beautiful Louisiana chicken sitting on the plate behind me while she goes and fucks off to God knows where. That's what I want to do.
"Hey," a new voice says breathlessly. All heads snap towards the newcomer, the quickest being Al's. His girlfriend, Blaire Preston, slides into the seat beside him, smiling brightly. "What's going on?"

"We're being tortured," he mutters darkly to her.

Her eyes flicker over to Umbridge who stands with her hands clasped behind her back and a haughty expression on her face. I squint my eyes at it, trying to understand how her wide eyes and cute little nose can look so bloody snobby. I mean, if Ursula wasn't - well, Ursula - I'd shag her anyday.

Then she bloody sticks that nose up as far up in the air as the stick up her backside and you just think that you'd rather be gay than hook up with her. No offence to her of course.
"Okay what are you doing here?" Lily asks brusquely. "Because frankly you're just standing there like an idiot."
Ursula Umbridge rises indignantly, nostrils flaring with indignation. "I beg your pardon?"
"I said-"
"I am Ursula Umbridge, seventh year prefect of Slytherin house and winner of the School Citizenship award,"She says furiously. "I achieved 5 Outstandings and 4 Exceeds Expectations in my OWLs and I am predicted to achieve 4 Os and 2 Exceeds Expectations for my NEWTs. I am the Editor of the school's magazine The Sleeping Dragon and I am currently the number one champion of the Gobstones club!"
"And what does that have to do with me?" my sister asks lazily.
"What does it- what does it have to do with you?" Umbridge hisses, flinging her arms into the air in exasperation. She leans forward intimidatingly but she ends up looking like an angry gnome or something. "You piece of filth- you are nothing more than a pompous brat living off her father's fortune and playing at being Seeker. Merlin knows you are-"
"Why don't you do everyone a favour and fucking shut up?" Al snaps.

Umbridge sucks in a huge gasp. Her mouth falls open in an 'O' shape. "I beg your pardon?" she repeats.

My Slytherin brother doesn't even look phased. He merely smirks his coldest smirk - the one that creeps onto his face when our little fans forget that he'd rather smash open his common room windows and drown than date him and ask him out - and tilts his head up defiantly.

"Fuck off," he enunciates each word deliberately.
Ursula looks shocked. She shouldn't be really, this is Al. "I-I-"
"Should fuck off," he insists.

Umbridge eyes him, deliberating on what to do next. Al draws himself up straighter, green eyes flashing threateningly at her. In one second he's no longer my cocky little brother but the imposing Slytherin Seeker that the rest of the world sees, the expressionless thing that the house made him.

In the end her cowardice wins. "Very well." She sniffs, drawing her cardigan around her tightly. "I'll leave you."
She turns on her heels and sets off down the aisle between Gryffindor and Hufflepuff, weaving her way over to the Slytherin table in the far side of the room. We watch her bark at a Hufflepuff scathingly and shove her way past a bunch of Ravenclaws debating intensely; we release a shared breath.

"Thanks Al," Freddie says gratefully. Instantly the rest of us thank him too, glad to be out of the she-devil's presence.
"Why don't you just tell her you're not interested?" Rose asks me irritably, stealing a sausage from my plate. I scowl, batting her hand away.
"Wait, I can answer this," Freddie says before I can even open my mouth. "He doesn't want to flat out reject her in case she's a good shag."

His statement is met with exclamations of disgust.
"Do you have no standards, James?" Lily cries incredulously.
"You're a tramp," Roxanne says flatly.

"I would rather starve than shag her," Hugo informs us all loudly. He holds up his pizza slices in the air. "And you know how much I love food."
"I think I'm going to be sick," Blaire says.
"Well, James has always been a bit desperate, hasn't he?" Al smirks.
I narrow my eyes at my baby brother and very deliberately stick my finger up at him. He just smirks even wider and lets out a bark of laughter.

"It's true though, you shag anything that breathes."
My mouth falls open indignantly. I admit that I am a bit of a player but that's only because I don't see the point of commitment. What will I get out of tying myself down to one girl? I'll get a clingy girlfriend who will stay on my arm all of the time, insist on invading my personal space and eventually will expect me to- to...say the words.

Those three dreaded words.
And that is probably the worst thing that could happen to me. I'd rather just shag girls instead and deal with all of the fun stuff. It's much more efficient and easier. That being said I do have standards. All of the girls I shag are good looking, with a decent IQ, sane, good at hooking up and have the most perfect curves I've seen. If they're Potter Potentials, then all the better!

"I don't shag just anyone," I protest.
"Oh yeah." Lily rolls her eyes. "That implies boys too."
I cringe immediately. I don't have anything against gay people but I would never shag one. It's just unthinkable. I'm perfectly fine with a pair of boobs to be honest.

"You shag any girl that breathes," Al amends.
I scowl at him and flip him off yet again. Just because that idiot got a girlfriend for the first time, he thinks he's the shit. I don't even know why Blaire is dating him - I'm far better looking than him. And she hated him six months ago but now she's getting very close and personal with him.

"Just because you finally got a girlfriend," I snap.
He scowls at me but Rose just laughs. "We did think that you were asexual for a while."
"Just because I wasn't desperate enough to hook up with those pathetic things that call themselves Potter Potentials doesn't mean I didn't think girls were hot." He's seething. "They all just fancied me because I'm a Potter - I wasn't going to hook up with them for shit."
"That's why I'm the best," Blaire adds with a grin. "Because I didn't treat him like a bloody God."
"Yes." He nods firmly. Then he shares a knowing look with her and they smirk.
"Who cares about that?" I say flippantly. "The point is that I don't shag just any girl. I have standards."
"They just happen to be miniscule." Freddie nods solemnly.

"Piss off."
He grins and returns to his lunch. Picking up my fork, I'm about to follow suit when I realise that Al's staring at me. Once he's aware that he has my attention, he smirks and leans forward. His expression is challenging, sly, almost victorious and almost makes me want to punch him.

"What?" I mumble around a mouthful of food.
"So you say that you don't just shag any girl," he says slowly.
"I don't."
"Prove it then."
"Prove it?" I echo.
"Yes, prove it," he says impatiently, waving a hand in the air and nearly whacking his own girlfriend. She makes a disapproving noise. "I dare you..." he pauses dramatically to smirk evilly at me, "to not shag anyone for two weeks."

"Two weeks?" I splutter. "No fucking way."

He doesn't look phased yet again. Instead he shrugs carelessly. "Fine. Coward."

The word snatches all of the attention from my family. They straighten up in interest, eyes wide and expectant for the rant that is sure to come out of my mouth. I, James Sirius Potter, am not a coward. I am a bloody Gryffindor; how can my Slytherin brother sit there and call me a coward?
"Says the bloody snake," I say.
He inclines his head but something flashes in his green eyes too quickly for me to decipher. "Says the snake."

"You're a hypocrite," I hiss.
"And you're a coward," he repeats flatly. "I must be rubbing off on you."

"No, I'm just a straight man," I say defensively. "I can't not hook up with someone for two weeks."
"You could," he says calmly, inspecting the green apple he takes from Blaire's hand. He twirls it around in his hand, looking for the bite mark before biting at the exact spot that she did. "It'll just take a lot of determination. That's a Slytherin trait you know."
I grit my teeth. I hate being compared to bloody Slytherins, they're all bastards. Don't get me wrong, I love my brother but I've seen the house morph him into something colder. He used to be kind like Dad and wanted to be in Gryffindor. But he was branded a snake and exiled to the dungeons with the rest of the house, growing colder and stranger until what is sitting before me took form. He's still Al but he's not the same Al unless he's with his girlfriend.
"Give me my apple back," she says now, tugging on the fruit.

He grins, refusing to relinquish his hold on it. "What if I don't?" he teases.

"Then I'll make you," she answers with a smirk.

I watch them flirt with each other, eyes darting back and forth between the couple. In the end she wins the apple back by granting him a kiss (Lily vomiting all the while in the background) and Al winds an arm around her waist casually. It's so strange watching him properly come to life.

"I'll do it."
The words are out of my mouth before I can even register it. I don't even know why I've agreed to the bloody dare but I can't back out now. Especially since my family are gaping at me in shock. I fidget under their scrutiny.
"No way," Lily breathes.
"You're joking right?" Hugo says.
I hesitate before shaking my head. There's no backing out now. I have to go through with this.
"What's the worst that could happen?" I shrug.
"You could throw yourself off the Astronomy tower after going mental from sexual deprivation," Roxanne says morbidly.


"Okay, you need to get help," I verdict and then turn to Al. "So what are the rules?"

"One," he says, holding up a single pale finger, "you cannot get off with any girl in any shape or form. That means no snogging-" I nearly whimper. "-or shagging. Hell, you can't even hold hands with one or you dye your hair pink for two weeks." He sticks his second finger up so that he's doing the peace sign. "Two: I still keep the Cloak, but I have the Map as well just to make sure that you don't sneak around. And finally-" Three fingers are in the air like a trident. "If you are feeling like you're at an all time low, there is a girl that you can shag at your own expense - still submitting to my commands of course or else there'd be no point to this..."

I ignore him as he elaborately goes on with himself and focus on the basics. No snogging or shagging with girls at all. No Invisibility Cloak. No Map. One girl that can be my salvation. At that, my heart soars with hope. "There's a girl I can shag?"
"Yes." He smirks. "Ursula Umbridge."
The euphoria wears off in less than a second. My mouth falls open once again and I nearly back out of the dare. But I swallow my pride and take a courageous leap into the land of the sexually deprived.

"Okay," Freddie announces, clapping his hands. "How will we know if he breaks it off or not?"
"Unbreakable Vow?" Al suggests. Blaire slaps him on the back of the head; Rose kicks his leg. "Can you fucking not?"

"Are you completely stupid?" Rose snaps. "When James breaks it, you'll die!"

Al rolls his eyes as if death isn't anything. But I'm focused on more important things.
"What do you mean 'when'?"
She flushes, clearing her throat awkwardly. "I-I...oh, lets face it James, you're dead."
"You guys think I can't do this?" I exclaim, hurt. I look around the faces of my family this side of the Weasley feud to see them all exchanging guilty looks. They have no faith in me. "Well you'll see. I will come out victorious!"


"Oh my God, how long has it been?" I moan, lying face down on my bed. My pillow reeks of Fiona De Ville's Vanilla Mint perfume. God, it smells nice.

"It's been an hour," Freddie tells me.
I let out another warbled wail. This is bloody torture.


It's been a week. I have rejected 27 girls and counting. 10 were Gryffindors, 9 were Hufflepuffs, 5 were Ravenclaws and 3 were Slytherins. 10 of these girls were Potter Potentials with perfect butts. I have rejected them all. I didn't realise how much time I spent shagging girls or snogging them or flirting with them. With all of my homework out of the way (already you see my desperation), I have hours of nothing ahead. Usually it'd be bliss but this past week has dragged.

The fire burns beside me in the common room, flames flickering against the brick wall behind it. I watch the logs burn away into nothing, watch the scattering of ashes build up on the rough floor, smell the curling scent of burning parchment. A letter I was planning to send to Dad lies in the embers. I was going to tell him all about his evil son's plans but I don't know how to tell my father that I haven't been laid in a week.

Word has gotten round that James Potter is not hooking up with any girls so most of them stay away from me. When I look up, I see a few people like Ariana Thomas winking slyly at me, hitching her skirt up a bit further tantalisingly, but I ignore it like I've ignored the other few that have flirted with me. For this reason I have been given a wide berth by my peers.
A rustling sound alerts me to someone sitting down. The familiar woodsy perfume alerts my senses to the arrival of my cousin, Molly. My eyes snap over to where she sits rifling through the Head duties.
"Afternoon James," she says, nodding her head at me.
"Hullo Molly," I say uncomfortably.
She smiles tentatively, the movement looking more strained than shy but in a second it's replaced with a frown. She points her quill at my undone tie.

"Do that up," she instructs.
"Piss off Molly," I answer pleasantly.

She flushes pink and I immediately regret my words. The Weasley Feud has reached another low, following the duel that went down between Rose and Molly last week. Because of this, anything that I say to her will automatically be taken in a bad way since I'm technically on Rose's side. It's not that I don't like Molly, she's actually alright; I just don't like the way that she treats Rose. That doesn't mean that Rose isn't a bitch back, but she's the lesser of the two evils, something that most of the Weasley clan seem to agree with. Everyone that is on Molly's side - Victoire, Teddy, Louis and Lucy - have all graduated so I guess I feel sort of sorry for Molly.

She works diligently and we sit in silence until I finally break it. "Hey Molls?"

"Yes, James?"

"I didn't mean to be so harsh then," I say apologetically. "It was just a joke."

"I'm sure it was, James," she says.

We sit in awkward silence for a moment. Then... "So how are Head Girl duties going?"
"Well," she says simply. "Ursula Umbridge is being a liability but that's to be expected. How's your bet going?"

"You know about that?"
"I am family, after all."
"Oh yeah." It's my turn to flush now. I clear my throat hastily. "It's going well."
She smirks for one of the first times in her life, brown eyes glinting. "You're dying inside, aren't you?"

I grin sheepishly. "Yeah."


I will not crack. I will not crack. I will not crack. I will not crack. I will not crack. I will not crack. Iwillnotcrack Iwillnotcrack Iwillnotcrack. Iwillnotcrack Iwillnotcrack. willnot crackwillnotcrack willnotcrackwillnotcrack willnotcrackwillnotcrack willnotcrack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack crack.


Holy shit, Fiona De Ville legs look a mile long. And is that a tan, I see? Oh yes that is a tan. That tan looks absolutely ravishing on her. She looks good enough to wrapped in. I was wrapped in that two weeks ago.

And Lois Keagan has a new push up bra. She's definitely changed shops now, this one isn't a tacky neon colour with polka dots. It's actually pretty sexy and I'm sure every other boy in NEWT Charms is thanking the Lord for granting her with that transparent white shirt.

And Merri Jorkins has styled her hair in those sexy just-got-out-of-bed curls. She has sex hair. Sex hair. It looks fucking sexy. I want to run my hands through those curls. I want to kiss those bloody luscious lips. I want those beautiful teeth biting my lower lip even if she does have a gap tooth.
I groan out loud, burying my face into my hands. I hate Al. I actually hate the little snake. Blaire better get out her little black dress because she's going to be mourning for the little shit when all of this is over.

"There, there." Freddie smirks, patting my head. "You have three more days and you're good to go."
"I'm gonna die," I whisper miserably and tighten my fists around clumps of my hair. "I'm going to die a horrible death and the after life will hold nothing but sexual deprivation for me. I'm going to die."
"Well die quietly then." He rolls his eyes. "I need to actually pass this shit."
He moves over to where Aiden Finnigan is sitting, practicing the correct wand movement with him. I glare at his retreating back, angry at him for leaving me alone in a class full of hot girls. Picking up my wand, I jab it in the air, red sparks flying out of the end.

"That's not the proper movement," a snooty voice says.

I look up glumly at Ursula Umbridge. She's decidedly less pink right now seeing as we're in lessons and only has on the pink tights, the pink bows and the pink braces. Her red hair looks even brighter than usual.
"What do you want?" I ask tiredly.
"Nothing," she says innocently, almost sounding human for once. "I just wanted to help you."
"I don't need your help," I all but growl.

She looks affronted and scoffs, flicking her red curls over one shoulder. I follow the movement warily. "I was trying to help, James. But I see now that you are a waste of time so good luck passing this class on your own!" And with that she flounces off to the other end of the class where Victoria Nott sits, a tanned pug face set in a scowl.

I groan and set my head back onto the desk again. The graffitied worn surface meets my eyes, lighter than hazel, more solid than them. I trace the lines of the wood, trace the names signed on the desk. My finger automatically moves over to Padfoot, Moony, Prongs & Wormtail 1978. I smile slightly at what I assume is my Grandfather's scrawl.

My head gets to thinking as it has been for the past week and a half. I think about the dare and of how much strength it is taking for me to abstain from sex. I think of how Fiona De Ville cornered me in a corner somewhere and tried to have it on with me but I reluctantly refused. I think of how I have to endure another three days of this.

Then I think of Ursula Umbridge and her pink clothes and her sickly sweet voice and her haughty looks. I think of how evil my brother is, choosing her to be my only salvation knowing that sooner or later I'll take the bait.
It won't be too bad if I snog her, will it? She won't stick a forked tongue down my throat, will she? She'll be normal, if inexperienced and horrible. It won't be that bad. There's nothing wrong about snogging Umbridge, is there?

Everything's wrong about it.

I'm still going to do it.

I can't do this anymore. I can't deprive myself anymore. I'm going to snog her. I'm going to do it.

Oh sweet Lord, help me.
When Charms is over and everyone is filing out of the classroom, I stick around by the door casually. Freddie bounds over to me and proposes we sneak down to the kitchens. I tell him to piss off because he's a traitor. He tells me that I'm a tosser. I tell him that I'll meet him later. He tells me that he's going to bring me chocolate cake.
Soon only Ursula is left in the classroom, annoying Flitwick with her questions. Even Molly has escaped, sending her a dirty look and then nodding in my direction. I wait for the she-devil just around the corner so she doesn't spot me through the door. Five minutes later, she finally releases Flitwick.

"What are you doing here?" she demands, hand flying to her chest when she trots round the corner to see me standing there.
"Waiting for you," I say.
"To snog." My voice is emotionless.
I can't believe I'm doing this. I actually can't believe I am this desperate.
"I beg your pardon?" She furrows her eyebrows in confusion.
"You heard me," I say bossily, grabbing her by the end. "Are you coming or not?"

I don't wait for her to reply, dragging her down the corridors already. Oh, sweet salvation.


Ursula Umbridge falls back against the broom cupboard door, hands buried in my hair. I press my body against her, mouth hot against hers. She moans a little underneath my lips, dragging hers away to take in a huge gasp for air. I move my lips over to her jawline, skimming across the milky white skin.

"James," she pants.
I grunt to show that I'm listening. Oh God, I haven't done in this forever. I forgot how lovely it feels to run my hands over a girl's curves and just have some good fun. She tightens her grip in my hair and pulls me up to meet her mouth once more.
Who knew that Umbridge would be a good kisser? She's actually pretty good.
I murmur something against her mouth, forgetting what I say as soon as it's out. It doesn't matter though because it does as I intend, firing her up even more. My shirt is literally ripped off my body and discarded onto the floor beside my tie. I smirk at Umbridge.

"Calm down Umbridge." I grin wickedly.

"Shut up," she says breathlessly. "And kiss me."

I don't object. We're snogging instantly, my tongue moving into her mouth. She keeps her hands firmly on the sides of my face as if to make sure that I don't escape. I fumble with the zip on the side of her skirt, trying to pull the goddamn thing down.

That's when the door to the broom cupboard flies open and we crash onto the floor.  Umbridge squeaks- actually squeaks- and hurries to sit up, shoving me off her. I look up to see my family grinning at me.
"Now what have we here?"Al smirks dangerously. "You broke the bet."

"No, I didn't," I protest, struggling to remember his exact words. "You said that I could shag Umbridge." At the sound of her name, she snaps her head toward me, narrowing her eyes in confusion. An inkling of guilt sparks up within me.

"Yes but I also said at your own expense, still submitting to my commands."

Rose starts to laugh; I grope through my mind, thinking back to the conversation and only remembering a bunch of seemingly unimportant words. The little snake tricked me!


He holds up a bottle of pink hair dye. "Say hello to my little friend."

Well, fuck.

A/N: So I did upload a fully edited version of this, one that came about after roughly half an hour on the laptop...except I accidentally did it in the summary... So I apologise about any mistakes and the like.

DISCLAIMER: The Harry Potter universe is not mine; anything you recognise is J.K Rowling's property excluding all original characters and the plot. The pink hair dye idea is from Drake & Josh which isn't mine either. "Say hello to my little friend" is a line from Scarface.

Reviews are always welcome :)


14.01.15: Minor edits made and dialogue tags fixed

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