Chapter 14 : falling
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Because falling's not the problem
When I'm falling I'm in peace
It's only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief
Falling -- Florence + the Machine
Rainne runs through the dark forest, panting. Branches scratch at her face, drawing blood, but she doesn’t care. They’re waiting for her just around the corner.
All she can hear is her own heavy breathing, misting in front of her.
“Rainne!” they all call. Her name echoes through the trees. A dog barks not too far ahead.
She trips and lands on her face, bruising her cheek and busting her lip open. Her blood mixes with the dirt. She quickly tries to get up, but she can’t. She no longer has control over her body.
She looks up.
Her parents glare at her while her grandmother shakes her head in shame.
Tank growls at her.
“You are disgusting.”
“Don’t you dare die.”
“We don’t want you to join us.”
They all take turns spitting their words at her. She starts sobbing, her tears mixing with the bloody dirt. All of her scars burst open, bleeding like waterfalls.
“Just continue with your miserable life.”
“That’s what you deserve.”
Her tears gather and form a dirty, red river. She begins to drown while they all glare at her, still slapping her with their words.
“Waste of space.”
“We’re glad we’re gone.”
“Nobody wants you.”
“Nobody misses you.”
Her head sinks until she is completely under water. She opens her mouth to breathe, only to swallow her own blood and tears.
Rainne wakes up crying in a cold sweat. Her sheets are drenched and it is still dark.
What day is it?
Friday. Well, it’s Saturday now. Early morning. This has been going on for over a week, forcing her to go back to the hot pink Tiffany box every day now; eating less and less.
She looks around to make sure nobody has heard her sudden awakening . Sure enough, her roommates are sound asleep, dreaming peacefully.
She gets up and drags her heavy feet across the room and down the stairs, no longer able to cope with her terrifying dreams. Tears continue to fall down her cheeks. She feels as if she can’t breathe. She finds herself walking up the stairs and into Ben’s room. She walks over to his bed and his eyes flutter open.
He looks up at her.
“Rainne?” he says, confused. He notices her state and sits up quickly, pulling her into bed with her, “What happened?”
She feels a lump in her throat and sobs into his chest, soaking it with her tears. She can’t speak. She can’t say it out loud.
They all hate her.
Of course they hate you. Why would anybody ever love you, you worthless pig?
The demons in her mind have been whispering in her ear more and more frequently.
She’s starting to lose her mind.
“Do you want to sleep here tonight?” she nods. He pulls her closer and they lay down, her sobs subsiding into small whimpers. He rubs circles with his thumb on her back, shushing her, “It’s going to be okay,” he says, “I’m right here.”
Though he wants to be there for her, he can’t help but hate this feeling. This feeling of helplessness. This feeling of not knowing what he is to her. She keeps coming to him for help and he wants to kiss her and hold her but what if she pushes him away? What if that kiss all those days ago meant nothing to her? He wants to remind her of his feelings, of how much he cares for her, but every moment seems like a bad time to bring it up. She has been so sad lately and he doesn’t know how to help her.
He decides he will talk to her in the morning. He can’t put this off any longer. As Rainne pulls him closer and rests her head in the crook of his neck, all his thoughts fade away and he is in pure bliss.
Ben softly shakes Rainne from behind.
“Wake up,” he whispers. She rolls over, now facing him, still asleep. His breath catches in his throat.
She is so beautiful when she sleeps. She looks so peaceful, almost happy. He can’t help but stare at her. The weak morning light dances on her face, highlighting her lips.
Should he do it?
He leans forward to kiss her, waking her up. Her eyes open wide, then flutter shut as she responds to his lips.
No, he really shouldn’t be doing this.
He pulls away.
“Rainne, we need to talk,” he says. She looks at him, terrified. She looks as if she’s going to start crying again.
This is it. He’s done with you. He hates you, he wants nothing to do with you.
She holds her breath.
“I really care about you,” he says. He is nervous, running his hand through his hair. He sits up and she does too. He pauses, trying to find his words, “I... I told you I would never leave you, and I mean that,” Rainne exhales, breathing normally again, “But, I need to know if you feel the same way, Rainne.”
She stares at him.
She can’t speak.
“Rainne?” he says uncertainly. She looks like a fish out of water, “What am I to you?”
His mind races as he thinks of all the things she could say.
A brother. A friend.
She takes a deep breath.
“Everything,” she says quietly, looking away from his eyes and examining the blood red sheets that cover them both. She toys with a loose thread.
She looks at him.
Don’t do it, don’t be stupid.
“Can I kiss you?” she asks shyly. He grins and holds her face in his hands, kissing her tenderly. He smiles into her lips and she puts her hands around his neck, pulling him closer to her.
His curtains slide open.
“Wake u- oh, hey, Rainne,” says Remus. Rainne pulls away and blushes, staring up at Remus, “Um,” he says, “Prongs sent me to wake you up. Quidditch practice.”
“Right,” says Ben.
Remus gives them one last look and slides the curtains shut.
“Rainne, I have to go. You can sleep here if you want, I’ll be back in a couple hours,” Rainne nods. He gives her a quick kiss on the cheek and runs out of the dorm after changing into his quidditch uniform.
Rainne sits on his bed, looking around the messy room. Dirty laundry decorates the wooden floor in heaps, accompanied by wrappers from Honeydukes and Zonko’s. A chocolate frog hops across the room.
Someone snores in the bed beside her. Her head snaps up and she stares at the curtains surrounding the bed.
Rainne stands up, approaching the bed slowly. She pulls the curtains apart and looks down at Sirius. He is sprawled out on his bed, the sheets knotted between his legs, the pillow pushed onto the floor.
Should she wake him up?
Don’t touch him, you filthy mudblood. You could infect him with something.
Rainne shakes her head.
She clears her throat quietly.
“Sirius?” his nose twitches, “Sirius, wake up. I think you have quidditch practice.”
He sits up immediately.
“Wha-huh? Wazgoinon?” he says sleepily. He looks up at her, confused.
“Ben just left for quidditch practice,” Rainne says. Sirius slumps back onto his mattress.
“Seeker sessions,” he mutters. He sits up again, staring at Rainne, “What are you doing here?” he asks her. She blushes.
“I... um...” she struggles.
“Never mind. I don’t want to know.”
He gets up and it is then that she realizes he sleeps in his underwear. She gasps and covers her eyes as he leans over to pick up some jeans. He looks over at her and barks with laughter.
“Don’t worry, I won’t tell Ben you saw me in my undies,” he says, sliding some clothes on.
She giggles, blushing a deep scarlet, keeping her hands on her eyes.
“It’s okay, I’m dressed,” he says. She drops her hands to her sides, “See? Okay, let’s go get some breakfast. I’m starving,” he looks at her, “You might want to get dressed first though.”
Rainne realizes she is still in her pajamas. She blushes and runs to her dorm, changing quickly. For some reason, she finds herself looking in the mirror to make sure she looks alright. She runs into the common room to find Sirius sitting with her roommates.
“Hey, Rainne,” says Lily, looking up from the essay she’s working on, “Where were you last night?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” she says.
Lily raises her eyebrows but says nothing more, deciding not to ask why Rainne left the boys’ dorm just as Sirius did.
“What are you guys working on?” Rainne asks.
“Charms essay,” says Carmen without lifting her gaze from her parchment. She scribbles feverishly, glancing at her book every once in awhile.
“Oh,” says Rainne, “I already finished mine.”
Sirius yawns, rolling his eyes.
“Are we going to breakfast or what?” he says, smirking.
author's note: please don't hate me! school has been so overwhelming, but now that the semester is ending i'm starting to get a hang of it. i'm going to start updating again but it won't be nearly as often as i was in the summer. hopefully over winter break i'll get a lot of chapters in. i'm so so so sorry for not updating in so long. i'll do my best do update often, i promise. thanks for being so patient. you guys are the best. :)
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