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Memoirs of a Nutter by loony_lovegood101
Chapter 6 : Nutty Loving
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 5

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Attention Students of Hogwarts


Rainbow. Socks.

If found, contact leave a letter with the crazy owl.



What the fuuuck?

“Jess, what is this?” I asked the crazy girl in question.

Her adorable fuzz of hair lifted and those huge eyes lifted to meet mine.

“That? Psssshhh….i have no idea…I mean that’s crazy, are you insinuating that I wrote that-no way, I would ne-LOOK, A PEANUTBUTTER FLUTTERBY.”

And with that she ducked under the breakfast table and scampered out of the hall. I grinned after her; the girl was one of the best.

James slid into the bench beside me, chewing on a piece of toast like God was about to eat him.

“My dear Conner. How ist thoust? Is thoust well? I know I am swell,” James laid his head on the table and looked up at me.

“My lovely James, you are the river Thames, but you’re not to blame, that horse is a great Dane,” I replied back.

“Freddy feels left out, just because he was out and about, why would you leave me out, I will push you out,” Freddy exclaimed as he slid in next to James.

“Did you just rhyme out with out?” James asked him.

“Is your face a porridge?” Freddy replied.

“Can a giraffe clean its ears with its tongue?” I threw in.

I cease to remember the last time in my life I had a normal conversation.

“DON’T LET ME DO TO DEFENCE, CONNER,” Jess wailed clinging on to my leg like a 3 year old. “I’ll get my illama patronous to EAT YOU. EAT YOU I SAAAAAY.”

“Jess, your patronous is a physcopath, I happen to know from first hand experience,” spoke James from the sidelines.

“I refuse to go. I shall sit here for the rest of my life like Ghandi and instil world peace within the world. I will get my gang of monks to guard me from the dangers of Professor Who and I will sleep until cotton balls fall from the sky,” Jess crossed her legs stubbornly on the floor and pouted up at me.

I hoisted her up by the arms and looked her in the eye. Very seriously. In a manly way. Because I am manly.

“Jess, if you go to Defence I will ask the house elves to remove the restraining order they have on you and you can go down and ask for as much chocolate as you want.”


“On the terms that you never ask one of them to bring you the rainbow again, the house elf nearly killed himself trying to apparate to the rainbow, mainly because a rainbow isn’t a place,” I explained to her gently.

“I NEARLY HAD IT, CONNER, AND ONCE I ACCQUIRE IT NO ONE SHALL STOP ME AS I FLY THROUGH THE WORLD ON RAINBOW GOODNESS,” she did the creepy maniac laugh, abruptly stopped and patted me on the head.

You know what the sad thing is?

This is one of our more normal conversations.

Jess was more than just my best friend. While most people thought it was the other way around, she was actually my rock. That’s right. My psychotic, loving, warm and fuzzy, rock.

 I met her in first year…and now I know you’re thinking, ‘ahhh yes, the cliché train ride where they’re both sad midget loners that band together to fight the forces of mainstream and such.’

But no.

I met her in The Great Hall, during the sorting. And now you’re thinking, ‘okay, so the cliché moment when two loners are sorted into the same house and are awkwardly sitting together in a moment of a desperate attempt at friendship.’

But no.

She shoved a jelly pie in my face.

That’s right. A jelly pie.

And then casually said, ‘you’ve got something on your face,’ and turned to finish eating her chicken.

Me, being the wondrously gifted child I am, sat there contemplating my doom at being sentenced to a mental asylum, when a clammy hand took mine. I looked up and saw the strange girl in question give me a watery smile, while she handed me a piece of bread to wipe the jelly pie off my face.

And thus began the most dysfunctional and incredible friendship man and unicorns have ever known.

“He handed out pixies, and then proceeded to make us dance with them. Dance, Conner. Dance.”

“First it was ballroom dancing, then a jig, and then we proceeded to choreograph a hip-hop routine. To say the least, mine was BADASS.”

“And then when someone asked him how this was defence against the arts, he yelled at as for another half hour and went on about elf rights. He was making elves dance with us, and he was talking about elf rights.”

“Well I de-potted a mandrake adult,” I threw in there.

“Oh well la-di-da for you, Conner,” Jess said in a deadpanned voice. “Now, onto some bigger and better things, what will come of the case of the missing socks?”

“Oh my, is that still going on?” the midget second year popped up behind the common room chair.


“You will never know….mwhaha…MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHA,” he cackled, as he ninja rolled up the stairs, again.

“I am going to buy that kid a unicorn horn, he makes my day, I swear,” Jess muttered under her breath.

You know what? It takes skill to make conversation like this.

James Potter was sitting with a girl. A highly annoying specimen of the female homosapienus.

“We gather from the way her voice peaks to an unnatural decibel, that sooner or later, she, or the population of the rest of the world shall go deaf,” I whisper under my breath.

I am actually worried about the state of Jess’ potato. It was such a beautiful looking potato, before it had the misfortune of being picked for its imminent doom.

I picture the scene like something out of the hunger games.

Eh hem. And it goes a little something like this.

Potato #1: Hello and welcome my fellow potatoes of sack 12. We are gathered here in this joyous bowl, to remind everyone of a time when food tried to revolt against humans. At first, it was a punishment. Foods from every food group, were offered up as captives for the enjoyment of these humans, but now it has become a necessary part of life. So, without further ado, the 74th HUNGER GAMES! And the lucky tribute issss….GASP, POTATO #2!


Potato #1: May the plate be ever in your favour (but you’re probably going to die.


Cut to the actual hunger games

Carrot #372: Wow, the turnout is quite mad this year isn’t it?

Eggplant #007: I couldn’t agree more.

Carrot #372: Yes, the peas from sack 4 do look promising, and the celery from sack 2 is quite terrifying, and it does appear they have teamed up!

Eggplant #007: But what is that mysterious yellow blob on the side of the homosapiens plate?

Potato #3: Doge that fork, doge it, yeah. That’s right. Can’t catch m-NOOOOOOOO.

Fork Snow #6: Oh yeah, I’m stabbing you, woo, yeah, gotcha, bastard thought you could escape.

Potato #3: I just want to die being me, I don’t want them to own me.

Eggplant #007: And Potato #3 is still being stabbed.

Potato #3: The odds are never in my fav-

A faint cannon shot is fired in the background.

And that’s pretty much how it goes down.

Sorry, what was I saying?

“So what’s this I hear about you being a detective, Jamsie?” giggled Cassidy.

I think I just saw Jess perform the almighty eye twitch. Murder is not far down the line.

“You’re looking for rainbow sock? That’s not very detective-y,” she continued.

The potato now lay forgotten disjointed and forgotten on the plate.

“I mean, what’s so important about a pair of crummy rainbow socks?”

“RAKAJDALKJKFJLWEKRJOAID,” Jess screamed, as she jumped up from her chair and held her fist high above her head. “OKAY, firstly,” she then proceeded to hold up 10 fingers, “rainbows are important, they give you love, secondly, it is very detective-y as it is the most important current issue of this day and age, thirdly, YOUR FACE.”

Jess then looked down at her seven remaining fingers, looked back up at us in a quizzical manner, looked back down again (her face was in physical pain by this point), and said, “It appears I have reached a mental roadblock. Please remember the wrath of this moment and I shall get back to you later, probably shortly, because that’s how fast my genius brain works,” and then she sat down at stared for a good, long minute at the potato.

I shall name it Herny. Not Henry. Herny.

Herny the Potato.

What adventures you have been through. What hardships you have faced.

I think I am becoming entirely too attached to a potato.

“Guuuysssss,” Albus squealed (an awful lot of males squealed on the grounds of Hogwarts) and he ran through the Great Hall, “they’re coooooming.”

At that moment, a very scary, ginger female stormed through the doors, and a beautiful male specimen entered after her.

“BUT ROSE, I LOVE YOU,” pleaded Scorpius.


“Well that’s nothing new, I have to say,” I said quizzically to Albus.

“Give me time, youngling, just give me time,” he said in an old wiseman voice, whilst patting my head, “they shall be together if it is the last thing I achieve.”

“Al, firstly, isn’t it weird that you want to set up your best friend and your sister, and also, she hates him,” I informed him.

“DO NOT DOUBT MY POWERS OF PERSUASION, CONNER. I AM LIKE GHANDI. WITH THE POWER VESTED IN ME, I SHALL MARRY THEM,” he quivered, “also, who’s that?” he indicated towards Cassidy, who was now feeding a rather pale-faced James a piece of chicken.

“That is one of the gaggle,” I told dearest Ablie.

“LORD NO. He’s dating one of the gaggle? WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY-”

“OKAY, SHUT UP, MY LIGHTBULB JUST TURNED ON,” Jess disclaimed, and proceeded to hold up the remaining seven fingers and then faced Cassidy, “AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT RAINBOWS ARE REALLY IMPORTANT BECAUSE THEY ARE, RED (finger down), AND ORANGE (finger down), AND YELLOW (finger down), AND GREEN (finger down), BLUE (finger down), INDIGO(finger down), AND VIOOOLEET(finger down), I can sing a rainbooow, sing a rainbow, I don’t care if you can sing one too.”

“And now, if you must excuse me, I have some catching up with the houselves to do,” and she whirled away after presenting me with Herny the Potato.

Poor Herny. He’s seen a lot in his short, unforgiving life.

I was sitting on top of the Astronomy Tower. Yes, that Hogwarts cliché. Misunderstood man/woman/girl/boy/shemale (?) sits on the edge of the Astronomy Tower, whilst they gaze out meaningfully over the moonlit Black Lake.

I had cast a heating charm over myself, and I was content to just sit and think. Sometimes it was good to get away from the madness of the castle, and just ponder.

I loved the feel of the wind, whispering around me, the night, serene and understanding. There was a rustle behind me, and Jess came and sat down next to me, laying her head on my shoulder. I circled my arm around her waist and pulled her in closer.

I loved this girl, like she was a part of me, and I knew she loved me back too. I don’t know what we would do without each other.

“This year has started out a bit differently, hasn’t it?,” I whispered to her.

“Yeah, little bit.”

“How were the house elves?”


“Do you really like him, Jess?”



“What! N-no. I have no idea as to what you are refferi-SHUT UP CONNER.”

“I love you, Jess.”

“I love you more, Conner.”

Disclaimer: I don’t own The Hunger Games, that genius was written by Suzanne Collins.

Authors note: heeeey people.

Eh hem.

Long time, no read!

Okay, I’m so sorry that it’s been so long, but Batman finally recruited me as Robin, and I couldn’t turn the offer down!

DON’T THROW TOMATOES AT ME. In all seriousness, I kept putting it off, but then I decided, now that I’m Robin and all, I should probably get more responsible.

What did you think of the chapter? I wasn’t too sure about it, but I really wanted to show a bit of Conner all up in there, and I hope you guys got to see a bit more depth to him, and Jess’s relationship.

Please pet my dearest box. And don’t let the bed dinosaurs bite.

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