Chapter 14 : Girl Power
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“Tonks, you’ve barely touched your turkey at all! Do you want some cranberry sauce with it; it might cheer it up a bit. Ted, pass her the cranberry sauce,” Mum cried out, immediately deciding what I did and didn’t want to eat that day.
“I’m fine Mum. I’m just not feeling hungry today, that’s all.”
“You know you can tell us if something has happened. Have you fallen out with one of your friends? You haven’t spoken about Kingsley or Remus in a while. Or what about Bill and Fleur, you said how lovely they are so why don’t you go and see them. That might cheer you up.”
If Mum had wanted to cheer me up mentioning his name certainly didn’t do the job.
“Kingsley’s busy with Auror stuff; he’s got lots of important work to be getting on with. We still owl from time to time. As for Bill and Fleur they’re probably busy planning their wedding or whatever.”
Mum pursed her lips before placing a bit of roast potato in her mouth. The festive feel really was lacking at this dinner table. She quickly gave a knowing look to Dad before dabbing a napkin at her lips.
“Ooh, I’ve forgot to put the pudding on! Apparently it needs a lot of time to cook so I had better pop it on.” Mum bustled out of the dining room and into kitchen, and I could hear her bash pots and pans together. I guessed this was her attempt to get me to spill my guts out to Dad.
“Tonks, I noticed that you didn’t mention Remus, what’s he up to?” Dad leaned in and gave me an encouraging smile. Damn, I had hoped they hadn’t noticed my deliberate amnesia about his existence.
“I don’t know. We haven’t spoken in a while. I realised that he wasn’t who I thought he was.” He hadn’t responded to a single one of my daily owls, and I couldn’t find out anything about him through the others. It felt as if he truly had meant what he said, and he was going to stop whatever was so wrong in his opinion.
“Are you sure that you’re not being too rash? He may just be going through a hard time at the moment and can’t talk to you.”
Merlin, why did I allow myself to talk about my love life with my parents? It was too awkward and embarrassing.
“I think when someone tells you that this was a mistake and he needs to forget about me, the message is pretty clear, Dad.”
He paused for a minute and gazed out of the window. “You know, when I first started dating your mother she said something similar to me. How wrong this was and how it shouldn’t have happened. She left me and swore that we would never speak again so the unthinkable could never happen. I moped around for a few months, and then one of my friends spoke to me and told me if I really did like her that much, not to let her go.
He smiled at me before continuing. “It turned out he was right. I went and stood outside the Slytherin common room for Merlin knows how many hours, and that's a terrifying thing for a Muggleborn to do. Finally, she came out and I spoke to her and told her I still really liked her and wanted her to reconsider. It turned out she had thought the same. She was just too scared before, then the rest is history.”
I glanced up and saw him gazing at Mum who was standing in the doorway. The way they were looking at one another made me doubt whether they could have ever broken it off. I mean, they just looked so in love it was bordering on sickening. I didn’t even get why Dad told me that story. It wasn’t as if I had told him about the whole debacle with Remus.
“Who’s up for a walk around the fields while the pudding cooks, then?” Mum asked, and I nodded in agreement. That story had given me a lot to think about and walking seemed like a good opportunity to begin that process.
Amina had found herself in the position of being alone on New Years’ Eve and had invited me along to some wizarding club in Diagon Alley. I had planned on refusing mainly because someone like me going clubbing would be weird. It would be full of people just left Hogwarts gyrating and whatnot together, and given that I didn’t particularly want to join in with their weird body movements to prove my sexual prowess I didn’t see why I had to go.
But against all odds, I found myself stumbling along Diagon Alley, making my way to a Night of Magic. Note the stumbling was due to me wearing two inch heels and not being drunk. I knew me not being able to walk in such low heels was a bit a pathetic, but I would soon be able to conquer them. Well, hopefully.
Perhaps I would find some charming man who would want to lift me off my feet and marry me. Remus could suck on that. Haha, that would be great. Marriage and not needing to walk home. I hobbled over to the entrance of the club and the doorman, surprisingly, let me in straight away. I then descended the steps and found a room decked out in neon lights, music pulsing, smoke swirling and Amina downing a luminous green drink at the bar.
“Hi, Amina. You’re already drinking?”
She jumped out of her seat and wrapped her arms around me when she saw me. “Tonks, it’s fantastic that you could make it. I have to tell you about this bastard I had the displeasure of dating…”
He must be bad if he caused her to swear. Usually she stuck to milder terms such as nitwit or that he was such a Slytherin, so if she brought out the big guns I knew I should prepare myself. She immediately jumped into a story about how he hadn’t say anything nice to her all meal and then didn’t even propose a second date. You could tell very easily what was bad in Amina terms.
“So how’s your love life going? You must have someone you have your eye on?” she asked, finally finished with her tale.
“I did meet a bit of a bastard myself,” I said casually. At least I could vent my anger and confusion to her. Though he really wasn’t a bastard, he really was lovely. He was just so kind and nice and loyal and clever and always knew how to cheer me up. Crap. I was meant to be persuading myself that I hated him, and here I was singing his praises.
“Tonks, why didn’t you tell me about this?” Amina cried. “Two Merlin Martinis, please. We need to have a serious talk.”
We waited in silence while the drinks were being mixed before she led me over to a pair of levitating chairs, which were somehow not occupied by a pair of withering teens.
“Tell me everything!” I gave her one little nod before recounting the tale on auto-pilot.
It was only when I took a sip of what was to be my seventh martini of the night that I launched into the finale. “Then he said it was mistake, bloody bastard. To think I actually loved him! Gah! I don’t know what to do, I still love him. But he doesn’t want to love me. He thinks he’s too bloody old.”
Amina gave quite a focused look considering how inebriated she was before answering. “You know what we need to do, Tonks? We need to send him a letter telling how he treated you like shit. That should sort that fuckwit out. Bloody men. They really are from Mars. If the survival of our race didn’t count on them we should just tell them to all piss off.”
I wasn’t entirely sure whether her fiery passion was inspired by the drink or my problem. I hoped to think the latter.
“Do you have any parchment?” Amina nodded and pulled one from out of the top of her robes. I decided not to question why it was there. Perhaps I was hallucinating. That was a possibility because I thought I had seen a dragon on the ceiling earlier.
“’Dear Remus you utter piece of shit,’ do you think that’s a good start?” I asked.
Amina gave me a nod of encouragement. “Be as explicit as you want. It should get the message across.”
I had already started scribbling away with a quill I had found lodged in my hair and was close to half a page in minutes. This would give him a taste of his own medicine.
I still hadn’t received a reply from him, and I had sent the letter over a week ago. Today was the day of judgement though. I was sitting in the Burrow’s kitchen, waiting for the next Order meeting to begin. This was the first formal one since last summer, and though it would have been an excuse to be happy, I couldn’t help but just think ‘RemusRemusRemusRemusRemusRemus’.
Kingsley slid into the seat next to me and smiled. “Long time no see, Tonks! Sorry about my rush departure. With Voldemort coming out, Scrimgeour had to act quickly, so I was pretty much informed a few minutes before being sent to the Muggle Prime Minister. I heard that Robards told you.”
“Yeah he did. Scrimgeour’s not too bad as head, actually. Though all he seems to want me to do is patrol Hogsmeade all day long which gets quite tedious after a while. Though I do feel as if I’m doing something other than paperwork which is nice.”
“Yes, I won’t be surprised if they recognise your full worth sometime soon.” Kingsley grinned.
Dumbledore, who had been leaning against the counter talking in hushed tones with Arthur, gave a little cough. “I believe that with us being five minutes into the meeting we should begin. The Death Eaters’s attacks against Muggles and any with Muggle blood are becoming more and more frequent…” The door squeaked against the frame, and he walked into the room. Damn, I had been hoping he wasn’t going to turn up.
“Sorry I’m late, Dumbledore, I got held up.” He glanced around the room before focusing on me. I could feel my cheeks warm up considerably and looked down at the ground. It was mortifying just being here, so I couldn’t let anyone else catch on about Remus and I.
“It is no problem at all, Remus. Do take a seat; I was just informing the others about the Death Eaters’s insurgence. Those of you involved with that will fully well know the difficulties we have encountered throughout our time; we are hoping that they are soon to be eliminated….”
Dumbledore carried on talking, but I wasn’t my usual attentive self. The thing which prevented me from doing so was a pair of eyes boring into me. I tried to avoid their path, but nothing seemed to avail. They were everywhere.
I perked up when Dumbledore mentioned my name but it was only about me patrolling Hogwarts, and how I wouldn’t have anything to report. Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus, Remus. I hated this. I hated him to a certain extent for making me feel this way. But whenever I had mustered up enough courage to glance at him the hate soon evaporated. I wanted to hate him, but couldn’t. Hate would be a much easier thing. That emotion was a lot clearer cut than what I was feeling now.
People began rising from their seats, and I followed them blindly. I could go home now. I wasn’t needed for another two days or so, so it was nice to get a reprieve. I could sit there and think. That sounded nice. I called goodbye to Molly who waved at me, before stumbling out of the door. Due to my semi-unconscious state, I actually stumbled over the step and onto something hard.
“Tonks, are you alright?”
“I’m fine, not that it would concern you, Remus.”
I pulled myself off the ground and began rubbing the dust of my cloak.
“Tonks, we need to talk.”
“I don’t think I want to talk after what happened last time.”
“What about this letter though? Don’t you think that needs some explaining?” He pulled the parchment out of his pocket and waved it in front of me.
“Fine, not here mind.” I traipsed out of the Weasley’s garden and down the gravel path. This soon joined a road, and I carried on walking. I didn’t know what I wanted with Remus, but I didn’t really want to talk to him so walking sounded like the best option.
“Tonks, stop. Where are you going?” He grabbed hold of my hand, preventing me from getting any further.
“Don’t pull me back, Remus. You don’t have any right to,” I yelled victoriously. Girl power was here to stay.
“Tonks, we need to talk, just stop walking,” he pleaded.
“No, we don’t need to talk, you need to listen.” Ooh, I was getting pretty good at this. Though I wasn’t entirely sure what he had to listen to. “You crushed me last time. You didn’t have a care at all about what I felt, you just trampled on my heart and left me, and now you want to talk? It’s not going to happen, Remus. I don’t want to associate myself with people who do that. Yes, I still love you, and I reckon I will for a long time yet, but I do not want to talk to you. This is it.”
I turned to face him and saw that he was close to tears. Oh shit, I hadn’t meant to do that. I just meant to assert myself and show what a strong, independent woman I really was.
“Tonks, don’t you think it’s pained me too? What I did to you has haunted me from the very moment I said it. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t even think. All I can say is sorry, but clearly that doesn’t look like it’s going to be enough for you.”
“How am I meant to believe all of this crap, Remus? You say that it ‘pained you’ but you don’t want to resolve the pain. If there’s a ready solution, why not use it? Or did you ever love me, Remus? Because from where I’m standing it doesn’t look like it, not one bit.”
I gave him one final look, before turning around. I couldn’t be here any longer. If I stayed one moment more, I would possibly cry and I didn’t want him to see that.
“I do love you, Tonks. I always have and I always will. That’s why it hurts so much,” Remus murmured.
My eyes were welling with tears, so when I turned around I could barely see him. I needed to say one final thing before making a get a way.
“But that isn’t enough, is it, Remus?”
Author's Note:It was a rather mixed bag in terms of emotions in this chapter, but I hope you liked it! I would love to know your thoughts about their argument at the end? Team Tonks or Team Remus? Anything is welcome!
Thank you for being lovely and reading this chapter! ♥
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