Chapter 12 : Headaches And Morning Sickness
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“I still think it would be brilliant if you had a girl.”
Even though it was obvious that Lily was trying her best to be supportive and was trying to make the best of the situation I was stuck in she was bringing up something I really and truly didn’t want to discuss. Though I wasn’t about to pretend that the baby didn’t exist or anything of the sort given the massive fight between Scorpius and myself in the library it wasn’t a subject I wanted to discuss in that moment. So I turned my attention to her, my gaze hard, both of my eyebrows raised as if daring her to continue with that line of discussion.
She obviously didn’t take the hint.
“It’d be much more fun to shop for little dresses than for little boy clothes,” she continued, turning her gaze back to the book in front of her. She had an exam coming up and was cramming for it at the last minute. In that way she was quite a bit like the way my father had been back when he was at school, saving everything until the very last second and then rushing around to finish it.
“Not that clothes for little boys aren’t cute, as well. But there’s something adorable about little babies dolled up in little dresses-”
“Lil.” Her attention turned back towards me, her eyes a bit startled at being interrupted in the way she had been. “I really don’t want to talk about this right now.”
Sitting outside on the lawn of the school Lily furrowed her eyebrows in confusion, the corners of her mouth turning down into a slight frown as though she was thoroughly confused as to why I wouldn’t want to discuss my unborn child any longer given the fact that a child was usually something people were excited about, that they enjoyed discussing with friends and family. “What’s put you in such a sour mood?”
“Nothing.” That wasn’t entirely the truth though. Sleep had been elusive after my fight with Scorpius in the library, mostly because I wanted to find a way into the Slytherin common room just so I could punch him until I stopped feeling so angry with him about how he had been handling things. And the anger was still there the very next day. The truth was that I had no idea when I would stop being angry with him about everything. Perhaps I wouldn’t ever stop being upset with him.
“Because that wasn’t a dodgy response,” Lily drawled, her tone making it rather clear that she wasn’t inclined to believe that there was absolutely nothing wrong with me. She was right, of course, but that didn’t mean I was thrilled about the idea of her seeing right through me. Being transparent was never fun.
Leaning back against the tree behind her Lily just sat there looking at me, both of her eyebrows lifting slightly in question as though she could will me to spill everything that going on in my head at the moment. It was an admirable effort though it wasn’t exactly going to work. I could be just as stubborn as she could be. “Have you spoken to Malfoy? Did he tell his parents about all of this yet?”
“What is there for him to tell?” The response came out rather bitter despite the fact that I was trying my best not to sound as angry as I was about the whole situation. It wasn’t really fair to take it out on her given the fact that she had done absolutely nothing wrong but sometimes bitterness can seep into conversations with outer people.
“How about the fact that they’re going to become grandparents?”
“Oh, don’t you know?” Closing up the book I had been reading I turned slightly in the spot I was sitting so I was facing her, the book resting in my lap, my head cocked very slightly to the side. “None of this is his responsibility, apparently. Because this whole mess came about after I mucked up a spell, he doesn’t seem to think any of this is his responsibility. I’m in all of this alone.”
“Are you bloody kidding me? When your father hears about this-”
“He’s not going to hear about this,” I insisted, cutting her off as I lifted up one hand to motion for her not to even consider continuing with that thought process. “If he wants to be a deadbeat and refuse to be a father to his child? Then that’s fine by me. He’ll be the one missing out on getting to see his child grow up.”
“I could kick him for that. Repeatedly.” For a moment, just a brief moment, I almost laughed because she sounded just as angry about the whole thing that I was. She didn’t have to even be remotely angry given the fact that she wasn’t the pregnant one who was going to have to raise a child on her own because the father was a total jackass. She was lucky in that regard. Maybe when she ended up pregnant the father would be a guy who would move the earth itself for that baby. I hoped for her sake that would be the case.
“Wouldn’t do us any good. Then we’d just have to listen to him complain about how he's sore. And the last thing I want is to hear him blathering on about how he's in pain and how my cousin has no control of herself. I'd have to care to put up with listening to it and I frankly don't care at all."
Pressing my shoulder against the tree she was leaning against, my body angled so I could still look at her I tried to remind myself that getting all worked up again wouldn’t do anyone any good, least of all me. Spending too much time lingering on something you couldn’t change wouldn’t do anyone any good. All it would do was make me get upset again, would make it me want to hit Scorpius even more than I already wanted to.
“He’s not entirely wrong.” Admitting it left a bitter taste in my mouth but if I was going to admit it to anyone I’d rather admit it to a member of my family than to the man in question himself. “I got into this mess on my own. He was completely unaware of what I was doing so I can only be so mad at him for pointing that out. I don’t even know if I’m mad at him for me or mad at him for the baby. Because he or she won’t have a father, because I’ll have to explain he opted out of parenting. It won’t be fair to the child but there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“I can’t force him to be there, to do the right thing. And fighting with him isn’t going to do any good. All it will do is stress me out. So, if he wants me to do this all on my own? Then I guess that’s what I’m going to have to do.”
Thinking about that was sad. Thinking about being the only parent my child would have, that he or she would never get to see their father, would never get to know them, would never get to see their grandparents from that side. While the baby would always have my parents there, while they would never be without family that would love and cherish them? It wouldn’t be the same for them as it would be having a father around.
While a child could be just fine with a single parent having both parents would be nice for them, too. Especially when they were younger because it’s hard to explain to a little kid why their father isn’t around. And it’s even worse when the reason the father wasn’t around was because he chose not to be there. And how would my child feel about that? Would they feel like there was something wrong with them? Would they feel like they had done something wrong even though it had absolutely nothing to do with them and more to do with how selfish and rude the father was?
“Eventually Uncle Ron is going to find out about this. And when he does he’s going to blow his gasket. I don’t think you’ll be able to stop him from going after that Malfoy prat.” Unfortunately Lily was right. If Dad found out exactly how Scorpius was acting about the entire thing then he would definitely go after him. And while my father wasn’t the most cruel or violent man in the world he wasn’t the type to let anyone do anything to hurt his family. And this would definitely fall into that category. As the years had gone on he became much tougher than he used to be. But that would make things more complicated where Scorpius was involved.
“I’m not going to tell him.” It was a simple enough response and it was the best option given the situation. “I’m just going to tell him that I don’t want Scorpius around, that he’s not the type of person I want to be a father to my child. He’d understand that given how he felt about Scorpius’ father in school. And it would keep him from being in a situation where he could end up doing something that got him into trouble.”
Maybe raising the baby on my own would be the best thing anyway. I wouldn’t have to worry about Scorpius or anything that he did, wouldn’t have to worry about his parents and how they would feel knowing that their grandchild had me as a mother- because, let’s face it, the odds of them being happy that a half-blood was birthing their descendant was slim to none.
I could make all of the decisions about how the baby was raised and have nothing to worry about. There would be some disadvantages, of course, but yes, I would definitely have my family around to help take care of the baby. With all of the aunts, uncles and cousins I had? There was absolutely no way I would be going through things alone. They would do everything they could to help me with whatever I needed. Being born into such a close family definitely had some advantages.
I would just have to make due with whatever situation it was that life threw at me. And if being a single parent was the one that was going to come my way? Then I would do whatever I had to do to make things work for me and the baby.
“I’m feeling a little rundown.” It wasn’t entirely true but I was extremely tired of talking to her about things involving the baby and Scorpius. I was tired of thinking about Scorpius and the fact that he was a jerk, that my child had half of his DNA. All I wanted to do was go back to my room and relax, read my book and pretend for a couple of hours that none of that was happening to me, not for a while at the very least.
“Just try not to talk to anyone about the Scorpius situation.” It wasn’t a lot to ask but I had to ask her to do it. The last thing I wanted was for my family to get involved and make things more complicated between the two of us. All I wanted was to handle things on my own, to let my father know about things all on my own, to let him know in my own way.
For a handful of seconds Lily looked like she wasn’t sure she wanted to agree to that, like she wanted to go and tell someone about it. My brother, her brothers, my father, anyone. But it wasn’t her place to tell them about it. And it was my place to let my family know about how things were going with the baby situation. So in the end she heaved a heavy sigh and then nodded her head just a little bit. “Fine,” she agreed begrudgingly. “But you’re going to have to tell them all at some point. You can’t keep it a secret forever, Rosie.”
“I know. And I’ll tell them as soon as I figure out how to tell them.” How long that would take was a mystery to everyone including myself. Eventually the truth would have to come out but for now I could keep it a secret to everyone and be quite content with that knowledge.
Picking up my book I stood up from the ground using the tree as leverage and to help me keep my balance. “I’ll see you at supper.” I could probably feel a little sick to my stomach after eating but I always felt sick to my stomach after eating lately. Part of it could have been because of the pregnancy but the rest was nerves. I had no doubt that the tension wasn’t helping my digestion any.
Lily offered me a goodbye as I headed towards the school, passing groups of students that were chattering to their friends. Having not a single care in the world save for making sure you passed your classes must have been so fun, so easy. And oddly enough even though I had been in that same position not too long ago and yet it felt like it was a long, long time ago. So long ago that I couldn’t even remember that it was like.
You know what they say about never expecting things because you could end up very disappointed in the end? Well, it’s a hard lesson to learn. And because I had planned on avoiding Scorpius, of having no contact with him after the fight that we had gotten into at the library it was just my cursed luck to see him as soon as I came into the school.
He was standing just inside against the wall with a few of his friends. His tie was hanging loosely around his neck, his mouth set in a permanent smile. He was leaning against the wall at an angle, one ankle crossed over the other, one hand in one of his trouser pocket. It he hadn’t been such a complete and total jerk then I might have found him attractive in that moment, so carefree and full of life, looking so charismatic. Personality could ruin any and all delusions. And personality could destroy any and all external attractiveness.
He was talking to a few of his fellow Slytherins- including, of course, the Zabini girl that did nothing other than try to get in his pants. Most of them were facing away from me so I couldn’t identify them if I tried but I honestly couldn’t care less about who it was. I just wanted to get away from him and get back to my dorm room before I had to deal with the man in any shape, way or form.
But, as usual, fate wasn’t on my side. As a matter-of-fact, fate seemed to be doing nothing but messing up my life by then because he looked up and saw me walking into the school. His words seemed to die in his throat, his face frozen like he couldn’t say or think anything in that moment. His eyes just stayed on me for a few seconds, time almost like it was frozen before he turned back to his friend, muttered something quickly and then pushed himself away from the wall and started heading over towards me.
But I didn’t want to speak to him. I didn’t even want to be in the same room as him though that wasn’t logically an option. But I could try to avoid talking to him if I wanted to. So the second he started making his way over towards me I turned and continued on my way towards my dorm. If I got to the Gryffindor Common Room then he couldn’t bother me. He didn’t have the password and couldn’t get inside no matter how hard he tried. It was the only truly safe place in the whole school when it came to trying to avoid someone.
Trying to stay ahead of someone who was that much taller than me, who had a much longer stride was fighting a losing battle. He caught up to me rather easily, fell in line next to me, walking alongside me like we were two old buddies who had merely decided to walk together. But we weren’t friends. We had never been friends. And anyone who knew either of us knew damn well that the day we became friends was the day that all magic vanished.
I could see him turning his head just a little bit to look over at me as we walked, his stride keeping up with mine perfectly as we headed up the stairs towards the common room. For a few seconds he just watched me, almost studied me as I stood kept on walking. If he was waiting for me to look at him then he was going to be waiting for a very long time. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him after the way he had acted the day before.
“So,” he began after a moment as he turned to look back ahead of him, a practiced way to ensure that no one would know if what he was saying meant anything to him, to imply it was as causal as asking what I thought of the weather. “Should I take you ignoring me to mean you’re not going to listen to the rest of what I had to say during our conversation yesterday?”
“I don’t think there’s anything left for you to say to me.” After he had so easily dismissed the idea of being an actual father to our child then what more could I possibly want to hear from him? He had spoken his mind and there was nothing more I wanted to hear after that. “You already made your position quite clear.”
“And you already made it quite clear that you aren’t even remotely interested in seeing my side of things.” He sounded so frustrated in that moment that under any other circumstance I might have felt sorry for him but given how I had been feeling towards him as of late there was no room for sympathy, no room for feeling anything other than frustrating.
“Your side of things?” It came out as a harsh whisper as I stopped in my tracks, turned to look at him. From what he had told me his side of things was perfectly clear- he felt that since it was my fault I was in that situation then it was only my responsibility so what more did he have to say to me? What more could there be to his side of things?
Reaching out I put my hand on his arm and tugged him into a corridor so there would be more privacy when we were speaking than there would be standing in the hall everyone had to walk through. Stopping in a spot that was out of the way I released his arm and turned to look at him. “I’ve already heard your side of things. It’s my fault. I messed up. I caused this. And you aren’t responsible for any of this. What more could you possibly have to say?”
“Why can’t you understand anything from my side?” Something flashed in his pale eyes, something akin to anger. Or maybe it was frustration. Either way the look was much more frightening than any look I had ever seen in his eyes before then. Even when we had been in the same area and he got extremely angry at something someone had said? His eyes and his face had never looked as intimidating as they did just then.
“Why is it that how you feel the only thing that matters?” he continued on, leaned down a bit so his face was closer to mine. “You act like it should be all about you. Your feelings, your wants, your needs. That how you feel is the only right way to feel. Like what you think is the only right way to think. Do you have any notion how bloody selfish that makes you?”
“I’m allowed to be a little bloody selfish during all of this!”
“No, you’re not. Not if you’re telling me that we should both be involved in all of this. If you want me involved you can’t act like what I say and think doesn’t matter. You’re smart enough to know that, Weasley, so don’t act like you’re not. Fake stupidity doesn’t much suit you.”
“Just stop talking.” As if to emphasize that I didn’t want to hear anything else that he had to say to me I held up my head. All of the bickering, all of the back and forth was driving me crazy. It wasn’t getting either of us anywhere, wasn’t making things any better. It was doing nothing but giving me a headache and the headache was causing me sick to my stomach. It was one of the most annoying things in the world. I just wanted to go back to my room and rest but apparently that was too much for me to ask for in that moment.
“You’re making my head throb.” Holding my book tighter against my chest I turned my attention away from him, took a few slow, deep breaths. He had to leave me alone and let me go back up to my dorm room so I could lie down and try to get some sleep. Sleep could more often than not get rid of headaches for me. Especially a stress headache like the one I was getting in that moment.
“Look.” Of course he wasn’t going to stop talking to me in that moment. Because he was as stubborn as I was which meant that if he had something to say then he was going to say it. It seemed that I was finding more and more instances where the two of us had things in common. I never would have guessed we would have much of anything in common.
“I understand that this is all difficult on you. I’m not a bloody idiot. It’d be hard on anyone. But you can’t act like you’re the only one dealing with a difficult situation right now. Just because I’m not handling it the way you want me to, because I’m not bending to your whims doesn’t make me a bad guy. So, maybe if you’d stop being angry with me for one bloody second and tried to see just how weird this is for me to handle, how hard this even is to process then we wouldn’t be fighting every single time we talk to each other like-“
Shooting out with my free hand I placed my palm over his mouth to stop anymore words from coming out of his mouth. The headache was just getting worse and with it that sick feeling in my stomach. Or maybe the sick feeling was causing the headache. Even I couldn’t tell.
“I’m going to be sick.” Why I even said that to him was beyond me but the second the words left my mouth I dropped my hand away from his face and placed it over my mouth like that would stop me from getting sick and took off running down the hall to the ladies room.
Under other circumstances I might have been able to appreciate the comical way his eyes widened as I took off.
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