Sometimes I think back to the times when I reluctantly attended adult parties, my mother stuffing me in a pastel, usually pink, dress. They were everything that I detested, with the pompous atmosphere and haughty guests. I would cling onto my mothers hand or hem, dragging her slightly more down to my level while she carried on fast paced conversations. She would wipe my sticky hands more than once a night, and I ended up pinching more than one person I didn't know. Now, sitting back on a highly polished table that was vibrating due to music, I missed them terribly.
Alice rocked back and forth with Frank to no timing, as per usual. James, well, he was being James. Dumping water on people left and right. Lily, well, she wasn't being Lily. She was throwing furtive glances at every guy she saw, even Sirius which not only annoyed but creeped me out a bit.
"What have you been up to?" Sirius asked, sliding down the length of the table and bumping into my hand.
"Learning what Moony meant when he said after a while parties become increasingly monotonous." I shot him a bored look, a smile rising on my face a bit. I couldn't help it.
"Well, that's depressing. Come dance."
"No," I said, grabbing the loops of my jeans and pulling them up a bit. They had begun slipping off a few weeks ago and I hadn't taken the time to get new ones or modify these.
"Please," he muttered into my ear. "Mary won't leave me alone, and now Moony's sulking." I rolled my eyes and hopped down from the table. The boys were always getting into stupid fights about girls they couldn't give a damn about.
He put his hand on my waist and an involuntary shiver rose through me. "Mary is dancing with Remus," I said, pointing over to the two giggling teenagers.
"I know," he said, holding my waist tighter and swinging me around so I faced him.
"Prat," I muttered, sliding my arms up over his chest and onto his shoulders. "You know why I don't like dancing with you," I said, trying to pull away even though I knew my efforts would be futile.
"I've gotten better, I swear!" he pleaded, a smirk planting on his face.
"You're a bloody liar, Sirius Black." He ignored me finally, and I rested my head on his collarbone lightly. I swear, I could fall asleep right there and never wake up.
"So how is Lily?" They, Lily and James, hadn't spoken since the night we thought it would be a good idea to go out to eat.
"She's fine. Just acting like a slag, though. Look at her." I couldn't see her from my position so I assumed she was in Sirius' line of sight.
"I know," he agreed. "She's been making these weird googly eyes at me all night. Hey, you don't think her and James really, did the deed, do you?"
"I don't know," I said, not looking up at him. I hadn't really given much thought to Lily's passive joke on Monday night. "Lily's never before, and she hasn't spoken about it. Plus, under her parents roof? I'm leaning on the side of no," I said.
"Her parents were visiting Lily's sister's fiancé's place for two nights," he answered, raising his eyebrow.
"How did I forget that?" I asked aloud. "You think so?" He nodded, twisting his mouth and looking at Lily over my shoulder again. "Let's get out of here," he said suddenly.
"Yeah, sure," I said in a daze, watching James light a smoke bomb at the top of the stairwell. He took my hand and we began to make our way up the other set of stairs to his bedroom. At least, I'm pretty sure it's his bedroom. The halls in this place all kind of look the same.
He reached over my head and pushed the door in to let me through. I ran over with three strides and took a large leap, jumping on the bed. A loud thud followed, and it was perfectly quiet all of a sudden. Our eyes widened.
"I think you broke it," he said quietly as the talking downstairs began again.
"I did not!" I protested, knowing I probably did. "It's not my fault you took your old bed with you when you left."
"That bed's got a lot of memories," he smirking and coming to sit on the now creaking loudly bed next to me.
"Ew. With your mother in the house? I'm sure that went over well when Kreacher came in and told you tea was ready."
"Yeah Kreacher didn't mind, surprisingly," he said, leaning back on the wall and putting his arms behind his head. I sat there, my mouth agape.
"You can't possibly be serious," I said, praying to Merlin he didn't make that corny joke.
"Oh but I am, love." I threw a pillow at him which he caught and tossed over the side of the bed and onto the already messy floor.
"Hey, you remember when we were little?" I asked, scooting back on the bed to get next to him and pushing my legs under the askew blankets.
"Yes, I distinctly remember a time when I was shorter than this," he said sarcastically. I guess I was pretty vague in my question.
"No, I mean like when we were eight and we had to come to those parties that we hated."
"Yeah, I remember," he said, his eyes clouding. He didn't really have the same coddling that I did. Not even Regulus did.
"Okay." We sat in silence for a bit, listening to the faint music from downstairs. At least I was. He ended up leaning on my shoulder, which began to ache a little bit, but I didn't move. I didn't want that to change just because I was noticing myself getting weaker.
It's weird that I've never noticed these things before. I never acknowledged the woozy feeling I got after using magic. I never thought that it was weird that my hair stayed very thin and came out in chunks. I thought it was normal to bruise darkly and break bones like they were pieces of parchment.
And something else I hadn't thought about since Dumbledore told me was the fact that they weren't planning on telling me. The plan was to let me die. They were just going to let me die. I don't really know how I felt about that.
"Hey Vix," Sirius said, sitting up finally and giving my shoulder some relief. "You think they'll get back together? I don't know how long I can stand moody James." I smiled and breathed a quiet laugh.
"I don't really think so. Lily's pretty protective of her family."
"But they hate her!" he exclaimed, sitting forward and making the bed creak even more.
"They don't hate her Sirius. Her life isn't like yours." He grew quiet again, and that's when I realized what he had been thinking. He must have felt really badly for Lily and thought that they treated her like his family had him. "Her family, even Petunia, love her. If anything, they like her more than Petunia. You don't have to worry," I said, rubbing the back of his hand gently.
"Well I think James has given up," Sirius said, leaning back again.
"Really?" I asked in surprise. "I don't think he'll ever give up. Even when we're old and gray and Lily is married to Remus he'll keep trying." I choked a bit on the part about being old and gray. It had just slipped out. I didn't even remember that I wouldn't be old and gray.
"You think Lily's going to marry Remus?" he asked skeptically.
"Oh definitely. I've always thought that, haven't you?"
"No way." He placed his arms behind his head again. "Lily's way too wild for Remus. Don't you remember that time he said he thought Lily was kind of a flaming madwoman?"
"I thought that was some sort of compliment," I said in surprise.
"Well, whatever. You got the point." He laughed loudly at that, and even I did a bit. Did I even really think that was a compliment? I felt his laughter reverberating in my body as I leant on the side of his chest.
"I never in a million years thought that Lily would say yes."
"I know!" I said, falling to let my head rest on his lap.
"What do you think about my future?" he asked, stroking his fingers through my hair.
"You?" I asked, turning my head quickly to stop his hand from going through my hair. I couldn't afford another awkward situation this week and this would certainly lead to it. "You shouldn't marry. I don't think you'd be good at it."
"I think I could learn," he said, moving his hand to my arm and drumming his fingers rhythmically.
"I didn't say you wouldn't do it. It's just, you wouldn't enjoy it. And I sure as hell wouldn't let any girl make you unhappy." He looked down at me, his fingers climbing back up my arm slowly. I sat up quickly, my breath quickening as I tried to wipe away the goose bumps on my arm.
"You're probably right," he said softly, his mouth barely moving, his words blurring together. I focused clearly on his nose, willing myself to look anywhere but his mouth or his eyes. His face moved closer to mine, inch-by-inch. Our breathing was the only noise I heard now, and it seemed to take over the room. It filled my ears and it sounded so much louder than it had a moment ago. My head bumped the wall gently and another pillow fell of the bed with a soft thud.
"I-I," I said, stuttering a bit over trying to answer. Then I gave in. I grabbed his head and his arms wrapped around my body tightly. My back was now pressed up between him and the wall, his mouth roaming mine frantically as I let out the breath that had clearly been damaging my judgment.
I responded easily, his skilled and seemingly frenzied movement dragging me into it. It's like he was the cork and I was the bottle of well-shaken champagne. My nose bumped his awkwardly, and we both smiled involuntarily, our eyes, or mine at least, staying closed. He clutched my upper ribs, his fingertips digging into my sides delightfully.
"Sirius," I moaned faintly, his lips moving down my neck quickly. I became dizzy with the feeling of enlightenment. I felt my lips growing dry from my more ragged than steady breathing and lack of moisture. I heard or felt, I'm not really sure right now, his heart beating faster, the usual slow tandem racing out of control.
My teeth chattered a bit, as they did whenever I was nervous. I pushed off the wall gently, Sirius' frame following to hover over me as I laid down. I finally looked at his face fully, not focusing on one certain aspect. His cheeks were a darker red, and his messy, long hair was falling all over the place.
"Yes, dear?" he said quickly, tilting his head slightly while speaking through heaving breaths. My mouth stayed open. I didn't know what to say, and he took full advantage, leaning his weight on his arms and knees and bending down to kiss me. I'm not sure how long we stayed in that singular position, his arms quivering as he was concentrating on kissing, rather than falling on, me. He broke away and dropped on his elbows, the soft bed bouncing slightly.
We finally found a position in which we were both comfortable, and the snogging slowed down considerably. He right hand found my cheek and he gripped it softly. I broke away from him and looked away immediately, still not wanting to face his eyes. I felt his heavy breath on my lower jaw and goosebumps surrounded me again. He placed his lips gently along the area where my neck and my face met, each kiss lingering, arousing me further. He finally reached my lips and he clutched my face with both of his hands now.
I broke away again, but only to flip myself ungracefully on top of him, and not to stop altogether. I straddled his lap and our pace hastened. His body pressed into mine, and his hands continued trailing up and down my body slowly, as if he knew it gave me goosebumps. I felt a small frown grow between my eyebrows as I realized what we were doing, but I kept kissing him roughly anyway.
His arms wrapped around me again, and I fell onto his body heavily. I didn't have too much time to think about that though, as the door slammed open and Peter's eyes grew twice their normal size. Sirius sat up quickly, forgetting my forehead was there and his head rammed into mine.
"Come on, Hestia," he said quickly, turning around, grabbing Hestia's hand, and slamming the door shut again. Then I was left with a splitting headache and the rattling of the doorframe.
"Peter was going to try and have sex with Hestia Jones in your bed," I blurted. He raised his eyebrows in amusement, and I smiled a bit before feeling my head. Sirius' face turned to one of shock and he said something, but I couldn't hear him. I frowned at his awe, not seeing the big deal, when he grabbed the back of my head and shouted what I faintly recognized as a cry for help. My eyes began to close slowly, my body wavering slightly, and I let myself fall forward into his arms. I really could sleep on his collarbone forever.
"Wake up!" a voice shouted, shaking my shoulders gently. I began floating again, and it felt like my spine was coming out through my chest which was left on the bed or couch or soft surface that I was on. Well, as I opened my eyes, I realized that Remus was just trying to wake me up and I was not indeed floating. I indeed wasn't on a soft surface either. I felt the cold floor on my back, my shirt slipping up and my jeans slipping down.
"I swear, we were just talking and we bumped heads and she just kind of fell forward!" Sirius exclaimed. He was seated on the edge of the bathtub, his head in his hands.
"Just talking, yeah?" Remus said, smirking slightly and feeling my head as he noticed I had begun to wake. "How are you feeling?" he asked, calmer now that I was awake.
"Dorcas!" Sirius said, getting up and coming to kneel next to me. I smiled weakly as I saw the reason that Remus was so skeptical about Sirius' not-so-clever ploy to lead him off the scent of our fooling around. Lipstick was pretty much smeared all over his mouth. The one time I decide to try out the whole make-up thing and it completely backfires.
"I'm feeling okay, I guess," I said to their concerned expressions. The looks of shock and worry faded a bit, but were still present. I still heard the pounding music from downstairs, so I knew I couldn't have been out that long, this time. "Listen guys, you can't tell anyone about this," I said pleadingly.
"Well why the bloody hell not?" Sirius asked incredulously, grabbing my arm and helping me as I struggled to sit up; I was still sort of disoriented.
"The other's would make a big deal out of it, and I know you two probably already have. It's really not such a big deal!" They looked at each other with uncertainty and I glared angrily, my lips tightening. "It's all your fault to begin with!" I said furiously.
"Me?" Sirius pointed to his chest and let go of my arm. "What did I do?" He gulped and became silent after realizing my implications. Remus raised his little condescending eyebrow again, and shot up from his crouched position.
"I think I'll leave you two to finish your talk." My nose twitched involuntarily at his mightier-than-thou attitude, but I was grateful when he did leave.
"You've got lipstick smeared all over your face," I said bluntly, my face void of all emotion. He looked in the mirror, and without looking back responded,
"Your shirt is already halfway off." I pulled up the large sleeve and stood up, trying to salvage my dignity.
"So are we going to..."
"What, you want to go back to my room?" he asked, turning on the water and splashing some on his face to get the pigment to come off.
"No, you arsehole! Are we going to talk about it?" He screwed up his mouth uncharacteristically and turned the water back off.
"Do you really think that's necessary?" he asked, wiping his face on a hand towel.
"Yes," I mumbled, uncertain about my answer. I didn't really want to talk about it, but I decided I should become more like Lily. This is what she would do.
"There's not too much to talk about. So we snogged? Who gives a shit?" I frowned a little again, and I ground my teeth in sadness and frustration. "That's not what I meant Dorcas." Sirius sighed and walked away from the sink and sat down on the bathtub again. He patted the space next to him and I joined reluctantly.
"Then what did you mean?" I asked vulnerably.
"I'm not the one that broke it off, you know," he said, his voice turning more stony. He was referring back to when we were, quote un-quote, dating.
"I know. And I'm not completely suggesting we should go back to that," I explained as delicately as I could. "But I wouldn't.....object," I said finally after finding the proper word. He didn't answer for what felt like quite some time, and it probably was pretty long, seeing as I had let my mind drift back to the music.
"I just don't know-"
"Oh no I completely agree," I said quickly but more wounded than anything.
"No, no, you didn't let me speak," he said, chuckling and turning my face back towards his. "I don't know how everyone else would adjust," he said, his lips twitching up. Mine were still turned down forcefully.
"You really are an arsehole, you know that?" I slapped his chest and wobbled a bit on the thin seat before catching my balance. I tightened my lips in anxiety, and all the thoughts of betrayal I felt towards my family when I found out they hadn't told me came rushing back. I couldn't die knowing Sirius hated me.
"This doesn't make any sense, anyway!" I exclaimed radically. "I mean what are we really thinking of anyway? What, are we going to go out on little dates to Hogsmeade? Are you going to warn me to never take you into Madame Puddifoot's, which I actually like, because it's always so pink and frilly?" I stood up and leaned against the sink, my mind going haywire. "Should I spend an hour getting ready for you only to have my perfect look ruined by you a moment later? Why should I do any of that when you've seen me half-conscious and drooling?"
He smirked and came up to grab my hips my left belt loop. "You know why we can do all that?" I avoided his gaze childishly and crossed my arms to separate us even more. "I'll tell you not to bring me there, but you can drag me in and I won't care." He kissed my cheek after that, and it left a burning sensation, like his lips had been doused in alcohol. Probably had been, as a matter of fact.
"You love to spend time getting ready. Don't lie to me. It takes you about an hour minimum simply because you have fun doing it." He leaned over my left side and kissed my other cheek, taking my arms down from their crossed position.
"I told you two months ago that I've seen you in all sorts of natural. You know I don't mind how you look." He kissed my forehead and wrapped his arms around my waist. I let my head rest on his shoulder, feigning reluctance so it would seem like I was still mad. I had to keep up appearances, didn't I?
"Why won't you just do this, hmm?" he whispered into my ear, kissing the softest and thinnest part of skin behind my ear.
"I don't want to leave you," I murmured into the cloth of his shirt, making it almost inaudible to him. I wanted to hear how that sounded aloud. I had never said anything remotely close to that to anyone since the beginning of this year. A tear slipped from under my eyelid, and I squeezed my eyes tighter to try and stop the flow, but he had already felt the wet stain.
"Stop crying, you drama queen," he said, patting my head affectionately. I tittered a small laugh, but that only made me tear up even more. I was selfish. How could I do this to someone? I was going to give generously and then rip it all away at the last second. I only wish I could say I cared.
"Let's go," I said, calming myself and blocking everything from my head. Or at least stuffing it in the back for now. I took his hand and slipped out from where I was nestled. "Come on," I said to his frozen body. His face was stuck in a position of confusion and happiness.
"I'm not going to ask?" he questioned, obviously not sure if I wanted to talk about it or not.
"Good choice," I said quietly, and a bit solemnly. I glanced up at him quickly, but it only lasted for a second before I looked down again.
I still didn't want to talk about it.