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The Troubles Of Being A Malfoy by May Potter
Chapter 3 : She's out of his league
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 5

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 I am cleaning bedpans.




Fucking bedpans.



Why has my life come to this?



I mean I know my Potions grade was pretty low last year, but its not like I failed. Right?






Oh god. This is just the next step. They've put me in this bedpan-toilet cleaning detention because its practice for my future career. I can't do anything. For god's sake I couldn't even be a pimp or a hooker.


I have like zero sexual experience.


I'm going to live my life like this, as a house elf's assistant.



My god.



"Malfoy you missed a spot!" Potter calls from his bed in the Hospital Wing.




"Malfoy what the fuck are you even saying?" He asks as he bites the head off of a chocolate frog.






"They've put me in this detention because I sucked in Potions last year!" I wail. "This is my future! I'm going to be cleaning your piss in bedpans for the best of my life!" I shriek hysterically.



Albus stares at me and then throws his head back cackling with laughter.




I do not see what exactly is amusing about this situation Potter.



"Malfoy you moron. You are in here because you pushed me into a caulron. So calm your tits. And besides if you end up with a life like that I'll recommend you to a friend. Perhpas you can be his mistress."



And this I can't help but wail louder in anguish.



"But I don't know how to bang anyone!" I screech. "I can't even be some pimps bitch! They'd fire me because I can't be sexy!"



"Touche." Albus says. "Its alright I'll get you a job to help Kreacher out."



Kreacher is the Potter's house elf. He's like 100 years old, so he's still got another 150 years of life left.


He is the creepiest motherfucking house elf you will ever meet.

I glare at Albus and in response throw one of the  piss soaked sponges at his stupid face.



I still don't see why I had to do this the muggle way. We're wizards and witches for a reason.



He screams and waves  his wand like he's been waiting for this all along and reflects the sponge in the opposite direction.



...right at my face.



I don't think I've ever scream louder.



I am fucking infected. No one will ever want to kiss me because my lips will forever be pissed stained from now on. I'm going to die an old owl lady with like 50 million owls and my disgusting cheap clothing forever stained in owl droppings and depressed because my face shrivelled up because of the piss and I am no longer the sex bomb I was.



Its this quick mental image that makes me shriek louder as I toss the sponge to the floor and run around screaming like a hippogriff that has had its head chopped off.



"MS. MALFOY, why on earth are you running around like a demented banshee!" A stern voice calls.



I'm still too busy shrieking and running around so Albus chooses to answer.



You know if he can breathe between how much he's laughing.



"Malfoy," He says practically wheazing with laughter. "Threw one of the sponges she was using to clean the bedpans at me, but I reflected it with my wand. And it fell on her face." At this he practically collapses due to laughter and is smacking his hand against his thigh as he roars with laughter.



McGonagall looks horrified. "Here Ms. Malfoy," She says kindly, she conjures up a basin with some strange green liquid in it and a fresh sponge. "Clean your face with this."


I half don't want to use the sponge but all I really want to do is boil my face. I snatch the sponge from McGonagall --Manners be damned-- and promptly scrub my face thoroughly with the liquid.


Its peppermint scented and burns as I voraciously scrub my face with the sponge.


I keep scrubbing and scrubbing as I hear McGonagall screech her arse out at Potter.



Good ol' Minny.



I'm scrubbing so hard. I really don't want to have a bunch of owls. As cute as they are, some of them are scary motherfuckers.


Suddenly the green liquid and the sponge disappear.



"Ms.Malfoy I think thats enough," McGonagall says gently. "You've been at it for the past 15 minutes."


"And that certainly isn't enough!"



Potter is still cackling with laughter. "No amout of scrubbing would make your face beautiful Malfoy."






"MS.MALFOY!" McGonagall shouts. "I understand you're angry, but I've already punished Mr. Potter. And Potter stop provoking Malfoy."



"Sorry Professor, I just can't help it. Malfoy's just easy bait." He says smirking at me.



Fucking Tosser.





"May I need to tell you something." 



"What is it my lovely brother?"



I'm in the boys dorms visiting Scorpius. We're both perched on his bed eating the box of chocolates Grandma Narcissa sent us. 



"I think... I'm in love."



"Are you sure?" I asked him seriously. 



He nods furiously, his head bobbing back and down. 



"So whats his name?" I ask tossing another chocolate with a vanilla filling into my mouth.






"Is it Albus? Please tell me it isn't. I couldn't stand it if I was him of all people to become my brother-in-law. You remember what he did to me yesterday in the hospital wing?"


"Yes I do May. I am also aware of the fact that you shoved him into Moaning Myrtle's toilet and vanished all of his clothes. Professor McGonagall found him covering in toilet water, naked walking to Gryffindor tower."



I smirked. "That was one of my finer moments. Besides it was Transfiguration



James however was not happy, he went on for an hour about how this was affecting the dare and I didn't have forever to finish it.



He rolls his eyes and tosses a pillow at me. 



"So is it Albus?" I ask.



"NO. May this might come as a revelation to you. But I'm not gay."




He laughs at pounces at me shoving my face into the matress as he sits on me. He sits on my face and screams.




"NEVER!" I shriek.


"ADMIT IT!" He screams rubbing his arse on my face. "I WILL NOT GET OFF UNTIL YOU ADMIT IT."






I hardly ever get to chill with him anymore at school. We might run in the same circles but I hardly ever get to spend time with him anymore. Mostly because of the demon spawn.



"HELLO MALFOY'S!" Cries out a loud voice.



Ah, speak of the devil and so the devil shall appear.



"HAI ALBUS!" Scorpius calls out. "WASS CHILLIN'!"



Oh Scorp.



"Anyway," Scorp says hopping off of me. "I need to tell you two something."



"I'm all ears." Potter says moving over onto the bed with us.



"I like somebody."



"Really? Well whats his name then? How does he play Quidditch?"






"Really mate? Are you sure?"


"Scorp for once, dumbarse here has a point. Are you sure this girl you like isn't just a delusion? Maybe you actually are gay?"


"Or maybe she's secretly a bloke and that's why he's attracted to him slash her." Albus points out.


Not bad I must admit.


"No! I am sure! I love her!"

Albus just rolls his eyes.


Scorpius falls in love about every week or so and we go through this same routine.


 "Besides why do you guys think I'm gay?" Scorp says indignantly.

"Not that many straight guys carry purses Scorp." I say delicately.






Albus snorts. "Its a purse mate. It's got a special pocket for your lipstick."



Scorp rolls his eyes. "Where else is one supposed to put their lipbalm?" He says like its the most obvious thing in the world.



Both me and Albus exchange glances.



Its nice to see we agree on something. Even if that something is of a public opinion, Scorpius' sexuality that is.


"Alright so who is she?"


"Yeah spill mate."


"She's gorgeous." He says. "She's got the most beautiful red hair, and blue eyes and she reminds me of Roses."


I blink in confusion and then it comes to me.

How poetic. 


"Oh my fucking god."


"May don't get mad."


"I'm not mad, she'll just never date you!'


"Who?" Albus says


"Thats why I need your help. You're her best friend."




"No way! Are you insane? Scorp you're on your own. Besides she's out of your league!"


"Exactly how you can help me!"




"Oh keep up you stupid owl." I snap. "Its Rose obviously."


"WHAT!" Albus says and then he collapses into laughter.


I am ashamed to say I joined him.



Let's just say Rose is... Rose.


And Scorpius is….


Well, Scorpius.

Albus doesn't even need to be disgusted at the fact that his best mate is into his cousin.


There's NO chance of it happening.


Albus snorts. "Come off it mate. Rose only dates those blond idiots."



"I'm blond! I'm an idiot! I could be anything for her!" He sighs. "She's perfect."


My eye twitches.


"Ew." Albus says.


"Come off it Scorp. Lets just go to dinner. I'm starving." I say.


"I agree!" Albus says getting up off of the bed.



"NO!" Scorp says. "She'll be at dinner! Help me! What do I do?"


"Scorpius you have been around Rose for years. You have half of your classes with her? Why would it suddenly be hard to talk to her?


"Because this has to be the start of my new image to seduce her. Help me be sexual."


"Ew." Albus repeats.

“How am I supposed to know?” I say despite the vomit rising in my own throat.


“You have to help me May!”


 “Why do I have to?”


“Because you’re my sister! And her best friend! And your name is Aphrodite! You have to live up to your namesake.”


I blink at him.


I find myself doing this quite often.


“Well, your name is Scorpius Hyperion but I don’t see you living up to your namesake of being a hyperactive Scorpion.”


This sets Albus off again as he roars with laughter.


“My name is sexy,”


“Um, no it isn’t.”

“May! Please just help me!”


“Will you let me go to dinner then?”


“Qui.” He says.


Oh dear, the poor bloke doesn’t have a chance.


“Fine, can we just go now?”


“NO! She’ll be there! What do I say!”


"I don't know Scorp." I say. "I'm starving, can we work it out later? Just tell her she smells nice or something she'll appreciate that. Its not like you haven’t been conversing with her at all for the past 5 years. You dont have to pick tonight of all nights to 'seduce' her."


Scorpius sniffs. "I suppose I could do that." He says haughtily.


"You'll survive it mate." Albus says shoving him out the dorm with me following behind them.




Its during desert that Scorp makes an arse out of himself.



Like more than usual. 



I had been talking to Dom about the Celestina Warbeck's daughters pregnancy. When Scorpius chose to act like a demented dog and started sniffing her.



My Merlin what a fucking moron.



Forget everything I said about loving my brother.



"Scorpius what are you doing?" Rose asks him completely weirded out.


I can't blame her. What would you do if an albino weirdo like Scorpius started sniffing you?


He looks at Rose with a lovesick expression.


Way to be subtle.


“You smell lovely.” He says.


“Um… Thanks?”


I can understand why Rose is a little turned off. She can't really converse with Scorpius after I told her I had a sneaking suspicion that he and Albus were gay and practiced many disgustingly kinky acts in the Gryffindor dormitory.


You know involving like bondage and whatnot.


You can laugh, but it was a serious concern of mine at one point in time.


Rose hadn’t been able to look either of them in the eye just the same way after that.


“You smell like lovely.”

"Er, thanks." She says and looks over at me with a pleading look.


Why am I always the one who is supposed to help? If anything people should be helping me, I can't even speak without embarrasing myself.



"Yeah. That new perfume you bought smells really good." I pitch in.


Rose raises her eyebrows at me. "I didn't buy any new perfume. In fact I'm not even wearing perfume."


See what I mean? 


"So that's your natural scent? Wow!" Scorpius exclaims and takes in another huge whiff.


Oh sweet Merlin.


Rose now looks wholly uncomfortable and Albus down the table  is laughing his arse off.


However because Scorpius has no sense of social environment he keeps talking. "Yeah you smell really good today." 



"As opposed to other days?" Rose says jokingly obviously trying to lighten the awkwardness.


However Scorpius is still an idiot. "No, no!" He exclaims. "Just today you smell like you just took a shower!"


I think Albus just facepalmed but I can't be sure from here.



"Excuse me?" Rose asks.


"Like you smell fresh." Scorpius continues. 


I kick him under the table.


"Ow May!"


Rose obviously deciding that she has no interest in this shit show quietly excuses herself and leaves with Dom and Molly who are just as confused as she is.


"Why'd you kick me?" Scorpius demands.


"Shut up."


"Did I do something wrong?"


"Shut up."


"But you told me to-"


"Just shut up."



Reviewed as of 1/21/16

Favorite quotes, favorite quotes :)

And once more James or Albus?

And James comes back next chapter. 

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