Chapter 1 : The One Where Malfoy Dies At The Hands of Fried Chicken.
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A loud snort cut him off. Rose Weasley stood, arms crossed, eyes rolled. “Could you be any more pathetic Malfoy?”
Scorpius jumped off the ledge that rested against the wall and sighed pompously. I mean, didn’t Weasley have anything better to do, like, be in the library? “Young Rose, little Rose, spotty, insufferable Rose –"
“I am not spotty!” she exclaimed, her face turning as red as her hair. She was about to turn on her heel, but what Scorpius said next made her double back.
“Yeah, and I’m not sexy,” Scorpius drawled sarcastically.
“Well, you – you’re fat!”
Scorpius waved off her last remark, and continued, “I’ll let you know, the Malfoy family has been blessed with something you Wotters have never experienced. It’s called SEXYNESS THAT MAKES THE WITCHES OF HOGWARTS AND BEYOND DROOL OVER OUR AWESOME SEXY BODY’S THAT ARE FILLED WITH SEXYNESS.” See, usually Scorpius wasn’t one to brag about his awesomeness, but he was taking full advantage of the corridors being empty.
Rose coughed and said something that sounded oddly like “man boobs.”
And then, Scorpius screamed, “I have no time for fried chicken!” Which in all honesty, wasn’t true and Rose being Rose was quick to point that out.
“Puh-lease, you have fried chicken every morning for breakfast!”
“You’re just farting from your mouth because you’re J-E-A-L-O-U-S Rosie,” said the boy.
Rose rolled her eyes in disgust. “Only you would think someone can fart from their mouth. Honestly –"
“You’re doing it again!” he exclaimed.
Rose released a huff. “Doing what?”
And then, the window smashed unexpectedly, glass flying everywhere, as the ghost of Colin Creevey flew into the room on a broom. The boy had been a Gryffindor and would’ve been expected to “go on” but for all intents and purposes, the author of this story really just needed him to be present. Anyways, Colin just couldn’t resist not seeing Harry Potter, and after eleven long years of hard work, he had managed to found a “Harry Potter Fan Club”. Naturally, he was President.
“Hiya Rose! How’s Ron? How’s Hermione? ERMAHGERD HOW’S HARRY!?!?!?!”
“He’s good, I guess.”
Colin tutted. “Hmph! I expected better of you Rose! I mean, wasn’t it clearly stated in the epilogue that you had inherited your mother’s brains? Clearly not. Oh, and I would commit these three words to memory if I were you. Ahem – cleanse, tone, and moisturize.”
“I am not spotty!” she wailed, before conveniently running into Moaning Myrtle’s bathroom that was still out of order. Twenty-six years and it was still broken, but oh well, funds were running low at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Scorpius waddled behind her, his belly flopping in front of him, up and down, and up and down.
“You know Rose,” started Scorpius, clutching his chest for air, “You shouldn’t lie. You really are spotty.”
“They’re freckles!” she alleged.
Scorpius shivered as a cold hand went through his stomach. At first he thought he was hungry again, but then he saw a ghost floating in front of him.
“You really ought to lose some of that fat,” said a voice belonging to Myrtle. But the ghost that hovered in front of him was not Myrtle. It sounded like her, but this ghost sure didn’t look at her. Scorpius squinted his eyes at her.
“Why don’t you have pimples?”
The female ghost who was sporting long robes that seemed to have been in fashion like, a billion years ago (according to Scorpius. I mean, who wears lace? That was like so last millennium) crossed her arms and said, “I don’t know what you’re talking about boy, I’m Rowena Ravenclaw, the founder of Ravenclaw, the most Rowena of the Rowenest, the most Rav of the Rav, the most Claw of the Claw –"
“Okay, we get it!” exclaimed Rose. “What are you doing here? Where’s Myrtle?”
“Myrtle? Who is this Myrtle you speak of? I don’t know any Myrtle –"
Rose’s eyes widened in realization as she saw the phial that was in the ghost’s hand. “You’re not Rowena Ravenclaw’s ghost!”
The female ghost looked away frantically. “I don’t know what you mean! I’m Rowena Ravenclaw!”
“No you’re not!” hollered Rose. “You’re Myrtle! Moaning, moping, metal-mouth, moronic Myrtle!”
Scorpius looked back and forth from Rose, to the ghost, and to the Ton Tongue Toffee in his chubby hand. So... juicy... must... eat...
And then, she dropped the phial of Polyjuice Potion and declared that she would never masquerade as Rowena ever again. “I will never masquerade as Rowena ever again!”
Scorpius cocked his head to his left side, releasing a big belch. “Wait, why did you declare twice? That’s a bit redundant, don’t you think?”
Myrtle shrugged her shoulders. “Meh. I'm rather duh-mb. I hated being Myrtle. I mean, no one even knows what my last name is! It's Gliberfigturp. I'm Misses Gliberfigtup. I’d rather be Misses Potter though of course... We could share a toilet and everything. It might get tough during constipation season though, but I think we’ll manage.”
Rose faked gagging, and Scorpius let out a girlish giggle. “Ha, nice one. I think we all know every girl dreams to become Misses Malfoy.”
Myrtle’s face – which had now returned to her own, the effects of the potion wearing off – contorted in deep thought and said, “Wasn’t your dad that cry baby who got bullied?”
Rose gawked at her. “Look who’s talking...” she mumbled.
Scorpius scratched his head and said pompously, “Nope. That can’t have been him.”
“But it was!” insisted Myrtle. “I swear on my life!”
Scorpius snorted. “LOL WHAT LIFE?”
Myrtle gasped in horror and flung herself into a nearby toilet, splashing water all over them.
“Yuck,” said Scorpius, as he brushed off something brown from his sleeve. “Someone forgot to flush the toilet.”
Rolling her eyes, Rose said, “That’s not poop, you git. It’s a stain from your chicken legs.” She then took her wand out from her back pocket and used the drying charm to dry herself off. Rose turned to face Scorpius who was sporting a face that he thought must’ve looked cute, but it actually just made him look like an overstuffed pug, and Rose sighed and dried him off as well.
And then, Myrtle jumped out of the toilet and grabbed his shoe. “HAHAHA TAKE THAT YOU FATTY!” Myrtle lassoed the boy around, Scorpius’ head spinning, his robes everywhere.
“PUT ME DOWN YOU STUPID GHOST! ROSE, HELP!!!” screamed Scorpius like a little girl. Myrtle was still spinning him around, now with dance moves to match as she hollered.
“SCORPY SCORPY IS SO PORKY, SCORPY SCORPY IS SO PORKY!”
The sudden turn of events left Rose so confused that she began swooning, and obviously, fainted.
“ROSE! YOU CAN’T JUST FAINT! MERLIN’S PANTS! UGH!”
“SCORPY SCORPY –"
“What is the meaning of this?!” shrieked Professor McGonagall, as she came sweeping into the bathroom.
Wheezing, Myrtle let go of the boy, and with one final rendition of Porky Scorpy, she plunged into the toilet, travelling to an unknown land of poop and pee.
“Mr. Malfoy,” said McGonagall, who was looking very pale indeed. “Are you okay?”
Scorpius who had turned a delicate shade of green shook his head, but that just made him sicker, and he upchucked right on McGonagall’s shoes.
“Just splendid...” she muttered under her breath, not believing her luck. “I really am getting too old for this kind of nonsense... One would think I would get a pay raise but no...”
“Professor?” asked Scorpius timidly. “Am I going to die?”
McGonagall required quite a bit of force to stop herself from rolling her eyes. “No boy, you will not die. You only threw up. Now, where is Weasley?”
“There,” he said, pointing to a heap of red hair, because y’know, all Weasleys have red hair and hand me down clothes.
“Just like her father and mother,” she tutted as she summoned a stretcher and began placing on it. Due to her being like – er – a billion years old (that seems right?) she wasn’t able to do it the first time. She snapped her head back at Scorpius who looked back fearfully. “Well? I’m a 107 years old; you could at least try and help?”
“Oh right Professor, sorry.” Together they both managed to place Rose onto the stretcher and looked pretty proud of it. “Hey, Professor McGonagall? I thought you were a billion years old?”
“What? Heavens no!”
Scorpius adapted a look like Goyle. “But my thought dialogue above said –"
“Oh so you think?” McGonagall snapped. “Hmph. Never thought much of your thinking skills. Never did. Terrible at Transfiguration, never got the right hand movements...” Scorpius waited until the old Transfiguration Professor finished her breathless rant, before following her as she led him and the floating Rose out of the washroom.
As the gargoyle let them into the Headmistress’ study, Scorpius was surprised to see his father, Rose’s mum, the old little Flitwick, and the oaf Hagrid all standing inside the office.
Draco Malfoy groaned. “Every time I come up to the school it always has something to do with Granger Jr. What did she do this time?”
“What did she do this time?” said Hermione indignantly. “More like what Scorpion did!”
“Er – Mrs. Weasley, my name is Scorpius, not Scorpion –"
“What?” she snapped. “Oh. Hmph. Hello Minerva, it’s absolutely delightful meeting you.” Hermione adjusted her skirt, clearly having rushed in from the Ministry and shook McGonagall’s hand. Draco rushed forward to do the same, earning a roll of the eyes from Hermione. Scorpius just shrugged to no one in particular, it was common knowledge that the Weasleys all hated Malfoys and vice versa.
Scorpius watched on, bored, and hungry too as his dad and Hermione shook everyone’s hands, but snapped back into attention as McGonagall addressed him.
“So Malfoy, please tell us how Weasley fainted?”
Scorpius began telling them the story of how he was up on the rusty ledge of the wall (it was rusty because, like McGonagall, it was around a billion years old) and how Rose just had to interrupt his proclamation. He then filled the adults in on Colin Creevey’s rude interruption, and then on their chaotic encounter with Myrtle.
“Well,” squeaked Flitwick. “Looks like you and Rose here have had quite the day!”
And then, Professor McGonagall picked up a Patented Daydream Charm. The cover of the box was pink – Scorpius’ favourite colour – and showed a female that was swooning over a particular good looking man. She opened the box up and dug inside. Scorpius watched her in jealousy... She was about to eat it... But he wanted it...
All of a sudden, Scorpius body slammed onto McGonagall, her ribs cracking. “AAAAARGH! GET OFF OF ME YOU ABSYMAL FOOL!”
“I – WANT – THAT – TOFFEE!!!” he bellowed.
“It’s a bloody potion Scorpion, not a toffee! Get off of Professor!” demanded Hermione in outrage, sticking up for her teacher, because she’s a teacher’s pet that one.
“Shut up Granger! Nobody talks to my son that way! His name is Scorpius!” Draco Malfoy said indignantly. “Scorpius Hyperion Malfoy, get off of the lady!”
“Well ferret, maybe if you hadn’t overfed this son of yours into a baby hippo, McGonagall’s ribs wouldn’t be cracked! And I don’t care what his name is, it’s pathetic anyways!”
In the commotion and argument, nobody had noticed that McGonagall was still being thrashed around by Scorpius, who was still trying to reach for the Patented Daydream Charm in her hand. “Stop...Fighting...Help me...”
“QUIET DOWN!” roared Hagrid, creating an elephant in the room.
Scorpius stopped in his tacks and got up, panting. The entire room was a mess. Vases shattered, vials broken, portraits fallen – all thanks to Scorpius Malfoy.
“You – stupid – idiotic – foolish – man child!” cried McGonagall, rubbing her chest. “All this,” she said, waving her hands to indicate the torn apart room, “For a piece of candy? It actually isn’t even candy!”
Scorpius looked down at the floor. “The box was pretty...” he mumbled lamely.
Draco Malfoy shook his head. Grabbing Scorpius’ meaty shoulder he began leading him to the door, when Hagrid said, “Oh no Malfoy, we aren’ finished here!”
Both Malfoys groaned. Hermione rolled her eyes. “What Granger?” snapped Malfoy.
“Oh nothing,” she waved off.
“Please!” squealed Flitwick. “Have a seat! Evanesco!” All of the debris vanished and the lot sat down, facing the three Professors, waiting for the verdict to be laid.
“Here,” said McGonagall weakly, putting down a plate of biscuits. “Have some biscuits.”
Scorpius was just about to dive his pudgy fingers into the cream coloured cookies when he heard hooves.
And then, a unicorn burst into the drawing room and ate everyone’s biscuits.
“NOOOOOOOOOO!!!” screamed Scorpius, and died of shock.
AN: I'M SO EVIL IT'S SCARY... Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this read... I used six prompts (I think, it's late at night and I can't count...) Thank you for reading and if you're not mad at me for making you feel dumb (if anything you should feel smarter) please drop a line in the box below! Also, if any typos or mistakes were found, again you know the drill :) I hope this made you smile, or even your lips twitch upward(is that a word? blegh it's too late at night for this...) Also, the fart jokes were inspired (which is different from taken from) byScott Lynch, an author who brings the humour out of anyone. Anything else you recongnize belongs to Jo Rowling.
I think I had too much fun writing this...