Chapter 18 : My Name Is
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Am I coming or going?
I can barely decide
I just drank a fifth of vodka
Dare me to drive?
~ My Name Is ~ Eminem ~
“You’re still here!” I sighed exasperatedly as I entered the supposed safety of my dormitory to find Sirius still there. He seemed to have bruised his knuckles when he punched the door and winced even as he flicked his wand at various objects in the room. He was making them levitate.
“I haven’t finished with you.” He said.
“I’ve finished with you.” I sounded cold even to my own ears.
“Look, I told you I’m sorry, okay?”
“Go back to casual sex and pranking. You’ll soon forget all about me.”
“I… that’s not even the…” Sirius gave up and just shook his head at me. “Erin, you know what happened on Halloween, it wasn’t-“
“I’m not having this conversation.” I snapped angrily, “Leave me alone.” Sirius gaze grew cold on me. He looked more furious than I’d ever seen him. He stood up abruptly and I anticipated him to raise his wand or even punch something again, but he merely looked at me, his expression bypassing anger and turning to disgust.
“Fine.” He said this in such a repugnant way that I recoiled, taking a step back as if he had actually made to hit me. All he really did, though, was spit this single word before turning around and storming out of the dormitory. I heard the klaxon go off in the corridor, the castle’s reaction to a boy being in the girls dormitories.
“He really told you that?” I’d tiredly recounted the story of my Sunday to Alice, Perry and Frank as we sat in Transfiguration. I’d avoided her, Perry and Frank over the past few days, not wanting them to see me in the state I’d been in- interchanging between depression and rage. The news of Sirius’ so-called ‘feelings’ for me seemed to be as much news to Alice as it was to me.
“Yes.” I sighed grimly. “I don’t get why he had to say anything to me. He knew what I was going through that day after finding out about Remus.”
“I don’t know.” Alice agreed. “It’s a bit odd for someone who claims to be Remus’ best friend.”
“Maybe he just felt like there was no other way to make you listen.” Perry muttered. Alice and I turned to look at her. Even Frank looked up from his notes to raise his eyebrows for a moment at her tone.
“Listen to what?”
“He said he’s fallen in love with you, didn’t he?” She asked. I nodded. “Well, he’s not the kind of person who would say that sort of thing if he didn’t mean it- he probably wouldn’t have said it all, considering Remus, but that’s why he said it. It means you’ll take him seriously when he tries to protect his friend.”
“I don’t know how you’ve worked that one out.” I was getting annoyed now. I felt as if Perry was accusing me of something, somehow.
“It’s not something he would want to admit to for the fun of it, is it?” I thought about this, but it was hard to take coming from Perry. “I know he liked you from the second he met you on the train though. It was so obvious. Obviously when he brought it up at Hogsmeade…”
“Wait. You knew?” I yelled. A few people, including the Marauders who were sitting on the other side of the classroom, turned to look at me.
“Well, yeah.” Perry said, looking a bit guilty now though.
“So that’s two secrets you’ve kept from me.” I stated through gritted teeth.
“You said you weren’t angry about-“
“Sssh!” I hushed her. “I wasn’t, okay? I get it, even if I hate people lying and hiding things from me, I get it. But this? You could’ve told me about this!”
“I tried to- but I knew you’d get freaked out! But remember when I told you he liked someone else?” Perry reminded me. I did vaguely remember that, but it was ages ago, and how was I supposed to have known she meant me? I could feel my face darkening, and Alice looked worried.
“Erin, Perry didn’t mean-“ She began.
“I’m starting to think she did!”
“You’ve been awful this year, Erin. You won’t tell any of us anything, so why do you expect anyone to tell you stuff?” Perry hissed. I looked from her to Alice. I had told Alice everything- but not Perry. Perry was kind of flighty and there were things nobody could quite understand- not yet. Alice’s round eyes were brimming with tears, and Frank noticed this too. He put his arm around her comfortingly and opened his mouth to say something, but I shook my head at him.
“Forget it, okay?” I put up my hand.
“Miss McNamara?” McGonagall addressed me.
“I’m not feeling to well. I think I need to go the Hospital Wing.” I was never usually one for faking illness, so McGonagall let me go without too many more questions. I threw my books back into my bag and stormed out. I could feel Remus and Sirius’ eyes on the back of my head as I did so.
“What was that about earlier?” Remus asked. We were supposed to be going through our Arithmency questions for tomorrow’s class, but I couldn’t concentrate. “I can tell it’s still bothering you.”
“Perry and I are fighting.” I sniffed.
“Oh.” He paused.
“She just keeps secrets from me, Remus. I can understand why she didn’t tell me about- you know-“
“My furry little problem.” He supplied grimly.
“-Yes- But she knew about…”
“Sirius.” He filled in. “You know, it’s really obvious to most people, Erin. Why do you think it’s been so hard for me to see you two getting close?”
“Sirius is just my friend. Although I’m not exactly jazzed with him either, at the moment.”
“Yes, he seems pissed with you if I’m honest.”
“I don’t know what anyone wants from me anymore, Remus.” I sighed, putting down my quill. He followed suit and looked across the table at me. Amongst the books in the library, his face was cast into shadow.
“Erin, you haven’t done anything wrong, okay?” He said. “They’ll come round.”
“I just feel like everything’s going off beam.” And of course, I had done something wrong. I’d slept with Sirius, which had probably done nothing but exacerbate my current problems, although I knew for a fact Alice had never told a soul about this.
“The world is a messed up place as it is, Erin. People’s heads are all over the place. Just try not to stress over this, alright? Things have a way of working themselves out.”
I recalled these words to myself as we gave in and decided we weren’t going to get the homework done. We walked back in silence, but departed as I headed towards the west wing of the castle for Ravenclaw Tower and he headed south towards Gryffindor.
“Try to get some sleep.” I advised him, knowing tomorrow night was the start of the full moon. “You’ll need it.”
“Thanks.” He paused before kissing me on the cheek and departing. I watched him go with a heavy heart before I headed back to my dormitory.
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