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Chapter 1 : Her Only Choice
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Lily Potter stood in front of the mirror, wand in hand, in all of her naked glory. She looked at herself, smiling sinisterly. She wasn’t crazy, she was finished. She’d made her choice. Choice was dangerous: you had to forgo all other possibilities when you chose.*
She looked at the door, the clangs and shouts behind them were heart breaking. It almost made her want to change her mind. To change her choice. But she couldn’t. It was too late now.
“LILY, YOU COME OUT THIS INSTANT!” roared her older brother Albus, who was a Slytherin. How he’d managed to get into Gryffindor Tower highly intrigued her. He usually wasn't one for rule-breaking; that was Scorpius's job. If only Al was there when it happened. Things could've been different. If Al had forced her into telling him what was wrong, maybe she wouldn't be doing this. But he didn't talk to her about it. He didn't even know.
“Please Lily, please...” whispered her cousin Rose, whose own shouts had soon failed and turned into whispers, whispers that cut through her like a cold blunt axe. It was Rose that had noticed she was missing first. Well, Lily wasn't missing, she just wasn't there. Lily never was really there these days.
Lily wanted so much to blame her family for taking this decision. Because they didn't ask her how her day went, or why she seems pale, or why she isn't talking. But it wasn't their fault. She couldn't tell them, it was far too hard and agonizing to relive that. It was too shameful.
Lily couldn’t take it anymore. She knelt down to the floor and curled up into a ball, inhaling and exhaling deeply. “You have to do this Lily, you have to do this...” she whispered soothingly to herself. She looked up from her knees again into the mirror.
Black dripped from her eyes, streaming in all directions, the mascara running. Why she even bothered to put it on infuriated her. It was just a routine she followed to make things normal, to show herself that everything will be all right. That she would play Chaser on the Gryffindor Quidditch team like she used to. That she would go to Hogsmeade and meet up with her friends for a good swig of Butterbeer. That she would wear Muggle clothing that showed any bit of flesh. That she would pull pranks with James.
But it wouldn’t be all right. It wouldn’t. She could never take back what had happened, what he had done to her that awful night.
Why had she been so stupid? Why couldn’t she see the lies behind the compliments he gave her, the casual touches he placed on her filled with lust not love? How she didn’t stop him when he did it, how she didn’t yell as his hands went through her skin exploring her body, torturing it. Why didn’t she tell someone, when the silkily strokes on the first night became nails piercing her skin like claws on the fourth? She had had so many choices, but now she had only one.
She was standing up again, as she continued to examine her body. Bruises coated her thighs, her neck covered with scars. The light kisses that made her face light up became raw bites, the inner girl destroyed in her forever. Lily looked at herself, sick and disgusted. She remembered the days when she laughed and joked, and then he came and showered her with love a fifteen year old wanted, but never got. Every part of her had some of him on it, and no matter how much she scrubbed and bathed the filth remained on her. That was what she was right? A shameful piece of filth.
She looked at the door again, new voices were shouting, and crying.
“Lily! Please open the door!” she heard her mother say. Amusement was all she felt when it came to mind that it has barely been minutes and the Head of Gryffindor, Professor Longbottom had managed to contact her parents so quickly. She guessed Al had ran and gotten him when she didn't open the door the first couple of times.
Al was still shouting, though Lily could sense his voice cracking. His shouts soon became whispers just like Rose too. Lily was yet to hear from her father, and as if they had read her mind – figuratively not literally since the closed walls of her dorm couldn’t possibly allow Legilimency – she heard Harry Potter’s voice.
“Lily,” came her father’s voice, unusually calm. The calm for some reason shook her even more. “Love, we can talk. Please come out, we love you very much.”
And in that moment, her hand gave a quick spasm directed to the door. She was going to open it. But then she shook her head and spoke for the first time through the door, “Don’t love me. I don’t deserve it. I'm filthy,” she spat.
“No, Lily Pad no!” she heard her dad say. She smiled at that nickname. Lily Pad. But Lily Pad was a different person, not her. Lily Pad was a fun, bubbly person who remained untouched and innocent. And the girl who stood in front of the mirror was anything but that.
"What does she mean by she's filthy Harry?" came Ginny's voice which was shaking. Her mum had never been... Then why had Lily been...
“Accio knife,” she whispered softly, though her voice echoed in the room or maybe she just imagined it. The knife appeared at her feet, which she picked up. This was her choice.
“Lily Luna Potter! You listen to me right now!” she heard her godmother’s voice say, which wasn’t dreamy like usual but cold and rasp. “You will come out!”
“I can’t Luna. I have to do this. It’s the only way.”
She could hear her mum’s uncontrollable sobs that joined Rose’s. Lily could imagine Rose crying into Scorpius’ arms as Ginny continued to plead, “Please Harry, do something, do something...”
“Fuck, Lily! Do you hear mum out here! At least come out for her!” yelled Albus, who kicked at the door in vain.
It tortured her so much to listen to her vulnerable family, but she had to go through this.
“Bye Rosie. Luna, Al, Mum. Bye,” she started. “Bye Dad,” she continued, her voice breaking.
“NO! NO! NO!” screamed Ginny who had seemed to find her voice.
“I’m really missing Jamsie right now. And Teddy, Uncle Ron, Aunt Hermione, say bye to them for me,” she said to the crowd behind the door.
Then all went really quiet as Lily listened to their heavy breathing. They were so alive, while she was on her way to seize being alive.
But she’d made her choice. Choice was dangerous: you had to forgo all other possibilities when you chose.* And this is what she chose.
“Bye,” she said once more softly as she picked up the knife.
And then all went black.
*- The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling p.g. 434
AN: So dark I know. It was just I saw the quote and BAM. I hope HeyMrsPotter likes this :) And... I hope you liked it too. Reviews are highly appreciated, you know where to put your thoughts and suggestions ;) and if you're looking for some romance, you could go and check out my Dramione, First Name Terms, or read my other dark attempt at another challenge. Thanks again!
**EDITED ON 16/07/2013** (Thank you Athene Goodstrength for providing amazing CC!)
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