Chapter 13 : Dirty Rain
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CHAPTER THIRTEEN: Dirty Rain
So may the wind blow
May the moonlight know your name
So let the needle move the record round until the walls cave in
And you and I were out there dancing in the dirty rain
~Dirty Rain ~ Ryan Adams ~
“Are you okay?” Alice asked softly, perching on the edge of my bed. I looked over at her. I didn’t even have a hangover, so I couldn’t use that as an excuse for my misery. “You seemed really weird at the party last night.”
“Alice, I’ve done a really stupid thing.” I hadn’t really thought of telling anybody about it, but there was something comforting about talking to Alice. She was the sweetest, kindest, least judgemental person in the world.
“I slept with Sirius.” I whispered. She covered her mouth, her wide blue eyes surprised.
“Oh, Erin…” She gasped.
“I don’t even know how it happened… we were both so drunk and we felt terrible after, so we rushed out and Remus was there… it was awful.” Alice looked at me for a long moment.
“It was your first time, wasn’t it?” She realised. I nodded. “Oh Erin, the first time is meant to be special…”
“I know. I know I’ve fucked up badly.” I felt tears brimming in my eyes. “I was just buzzing from the alcohol and being at the party, and all of a sudden…”
“I understand.” Alice said sweetly, taking my hand gently. “You didn’t really know what you were doing… and I know Sirius wouldn’t have done that if he hadn’t been in the state he was, either.”
“I don’t blame him for it. I can’t. It’s just as much my fault.” I said earnestly, wiping away a few escapee tears.
“Are you going to tell Remus?” She asked nervously after a moment. I looked at her.
“Well, I don’t know. I think if Remus finds out, it should be from Sirius. Those two are best friends. I know if, for example, it was you and Frank, I would want to hear it from you, not him.” Alice explained.
“Alice, I hate myself so much right now. I know I said it was going to be new year, new me, but I didn’t mean this new. I didn’t mean to compromise my principles!”
“You’re a good person, Erin. You never would’ve done it if you’d been in your right mind.”
“You’re right…” I breathed. “Thanks, Alice. I guess I need time to think things over. Let’s change the subject.”
“Good idea,” Her pretty round face lit up, “Perry never came back last night.”
“I thought she was with you.”
“Well, she was but then she ran into David and Lily, and you know how she gets. David dragged her off to have the argument out of sight and Lily went back to Gryffindor tower. I have no idea what happened after that, but…”
“David and Perry have so much history though. I like Lily, she’s lovely, but I just don’t know.” Alice shook her head. “I can’t see it lasting.”
“They work better than David and Perry.” I pointed out.
“That’s true… Merlin, it must just be him.” Alice giggled, and I managed to smile, even though I still wanted to curl up under the covers and never have to see or speak to anyone ever again.
This plan mostly succeeded for the rest of the weekend. I didn’t go to the Great Hall for meals, but snuck down to the kitchens, then went back to bed, caught up on my studies, and tried not to talk to anyone. Alice had promised not to tell anyone about what happened with Sirius, and I was eternally grateful for having such an amazing friend. Alice and I were never as close as I was to Perry- Alice had Frank, after all. But this wasn’t something I could ever tell Perry, even if she did do almost the same thing to Lily Evans that I did to Remus Lupin.
Sadly, the weekend came to an end and lessons began on Monday. I had Defence Against the Dark Arts first, and took my seat with Alice and Frank at the back of the class. I forced them to sit here so I could keep watch on the Gryffindor’s. Frank objected, but Alice gave him a silencing look.
We were working on how to remove deception glamour’s from around people. This meant if they were using any kind of charm or spell to alter their appearance, you would be able to tell, except for if they were using Polyjuice Potion or were a Metamorphmagus.
I wondered if there was a spell for revealing someone’s glamour of lies they had to surround themselves with to make life bearable. But then I remembered Veritaserum. Sighing, I glanced over at the Marauders. Peter Pettigrew was trying to copy James’ notes, while the latter stared sadly into the back of Lily’s head. Sirius was idly causing his quill to levitate, while Remus studiously took notes. Again, I wondered how he didn’t end up in Ravenclaw. What made him braver than he was intelligent? I realised I didn’t know much about him at all. This was not a new realisation, but it made me sad all the same.
He must’ve felt my eyes on him because he turned, caught my eye, and smiled sweetly. It made me melt, seeing him smile that way, and I smiled back. He turned back to face the front and I noticed Alice looking at me. I avoided her eyes.
After class, Remus was waiting for me. “You’re free ‘til after lunch now, aren’t you?” He asked. I nodded, and turned to say goodbye to Alice and Frank. “You’re quiet.”
“Am I? Uh, sorry.” I stammered awkwardly. He gave me a weird look and I smiled a big fake smile. “What’re we doing then?”
“I thought I’d show you one of the secret passageways.” He told me quietly. I looked at him in surprise.
“Really?” I asked excitedly.
“Yes, come on.” He took me to a corridor where there was a statue of a one-eyed hunchback witch. He tapped the hunch on her back and muttered a spell that I missed. It hollowed out and revealed a tunnel behind it. He went first and I followed, cautiously jumping down after him. The entrance sealed shut behind me.
“Where does this come out?” I enquired.
“Oh.” I paused, thinking about things.
“You’re definitely quieter than usual.” Remus noted as we walked along the passageway.
“I suppose I’m kind of tired. Didn’t get much sleep.” I smiled. This was honest- I’d been up all night panicking about facing the school. “I haven’t seen you at mealtimes the past few days, either.” Remus said.
“The party took a lot out of me.” Including my virginity, I silently added.
“Lightweight.” Remus teased smilingly, “Although Sirius has been acting strangely too. Maybe there’s some new bug going around.”
“Be careful then, you seem prone to illness.” I said, trying to sound convincing. Remus chuckled as falsely as I did at that. We reached the cellar, and luckily nobody was in there. I followed Remus up the stairs, and we came out behind the counter. Even though it wasn’t a Hogwarts visit day, it was still busy enough for us to duck discretely under the counter and out of the shop. Remus began to lead me back towards the edge of the high street.
“I thought we should go back to that meadow I showed you. James spoiled it last time.” Remus was just too sweet. He took my hand, something he’d never done before, and I felt a rush of happiness inside when he did. It helped to make me almost forget to feel guilty for a moment.
A/N: Finally! Please tell me what you think! It would mean a lot especially after all this time.
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