Chapter 12 : Because The Night
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CHAPTER TWELVE: Because The Night
Take me now baby here as I am
Pull me close, try and understand
Desire is hunger is the fire I breathe
Love is a banquet on which we feed
~ Because the Night ~ Patti Smith ~
When Sirius kissed me, I didn’t feel awkward or embarrassed like I had the first time Remus kissed me. It was down to the alcohol that I didn’t give this kiss a second thought, and I also blamed the alcohol for the fact that I didn’t feel self-conscious. It was all a blur, all of it, nothing seeming clear until I was on the bed and Sirius was between my legs, pulling my knickers down. Sensations followed that blurred my thoughts all over again and I found myself breathing hard. When he reappeared above me, the light came from above and he looked like he had a halo. He was an angel to me then. Still an angel even as he reached down between us.
“Alright?” He asked, undoing his flies. I nodded. I was totally naïve to this kind of thing- I knew about sex, obviously, but I didn’t know how to cope with what I felt. I felt him against my entrance and whimpered. “Alright?” He said again.
“Yes…” I breathed. He pushed and I felt pain for a second. My eyes stung but he waited and the pain subsided. I was no longer a virgin. The thought seemed a bright spark in my clouded mind before he began to move, and I forgot everything for a while.
What he said when we were done I would block from my memory for quite a while. He whispered five words into my ear, but those five words became a taboo subject as soon as the deed was done. I lay panting with Sirius beside me. We stayed for a while as I came back down to earth. I was sobering up and I felt empty. I remembered when Sirius kissed me- I had felt warm and didn’t want him to stop. That was how I got into this situation. I hadn’t wanted him to stop at any time.
I sat up.
“What have we done?” I asked quietly, horrified.
“I’m so sorry Erin. I’m really really sorry.” He still sounded incredibly drunk. “I was meant to remember to not… oh Merlin, I can’t believe myself, I… I’m the worst friend.” His tone was devastated, and I felt a pang.
“It wasn’t just you.” I said, my throat constricting with tears. I pushed my messed-up hair out of my face. “It was me, too.”
“I took advantage…”
“So did I.” There was a silence. Sirius sat up beside me and I pulled down my dress, feeling really embarrassed all of a sudden that he had seen me like that.
“We can’t tell him.” Sirius said, sounding a bit more coherent now. “It’ll destroy him. This was what he was scared would happen.” The thought of Remus finding out terrified me, so I had no trouble agreeing to this plan. “We’ll just go back to normal, like nothing happened.” I agreed to this too, though mentally I decided I would go with Remus’ wishes from now on and spend less time with Sirius. I didn’t see how I could move on from this if I was around him all the time.
“We should go back out there before people realise we’re gone.” I said listlessly. He agreed and we snuck back out into the room as if nothing had happened, just like Sirius said. I made my way over to where Perry, Alice and Frank were standing.
“Where did you go?” Perry demanded, but didn’t wait for an answer. “David said he really likes Lily Evans and doesn’t want to get back with me. Can you believe that?” She sounded scandalised.
“Well, I suppose I can.” I caught sight of David and Lily slow-dancing nearby. Before any more conversation could ensue though, the door opened and Remus stepped in. He looked as if he was concentrating hard on something, but then the music stopped and I realised that’d been it. Everyone looked around, annoyed.
“Sorry guys, but we’re busted. Someone ratted us out and McGonagall’s on her way so we’d better get out of here now.” Remus called. No-one needed telling twice and everyone started hurrying towards the door, staggering drunkenly with panic. I caught up to Remus and he hooked an arm around my waist, perhaps seeing that I couldn’t quite walk straight.
“Sorry I didn’t come earlier.” He murmured to me. “I felt awful.”
“You look better now.” I noted, feeling weird that he was being so touchy-feely with me. He was walking me back to Ravenclaw Tower, where a few fifth years were drunkenly trying to figure out the answer to the question so they could be allowed in. A seventh year came along and helped them and they all spilled in. I went to follow them but Remus stopped me.
“Hey, wait. I thought we were going to spend more time with each other.” He said quietly, coming closer. “I wanted to say goodnight to you properly, at least.” I let him kiss me, but I felt completely empty- switched off from it totally. I didn’t even really kiss back. I was thinking about Sirius doing the same thing not half an hour before. This was very odd. Remus seemed to guess something was wrong and stepped back to look at me. “Are you okay?” My eyes were brimming with tears, but I held them back.
“Yes, I’m just tired. And drunk. I need to go to bed.” I answered emotionlessly.
“I’m sorry, Erin. I’ll speak to you tomorrow?” He asked.
“Yeah, definitely.” I babbled, turning to knock the door. I managed to get the right answer to the question first go and hurried without looking back. When I collapsed into bed, I burst into tears. I couldn’t believe what I’d done.
A/N: I do want to know what you guys think. I can already pre-empt from your reviews on earlier chapters that this won't be a popular move, but trust me, it had to happen early in the story. Oh also, I am aware this is a short chapter. It was originally really long, but I split into two chapters. I hope you will stick with it after this! And as usual, please leave a review, although I can only ask you don't be too mean with criticism if you have it.
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