Chapter 2 : The Time I Attempted To Be Attractive And Almost Killed Albus
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Oh my merlin.
Does he ever shut up?
He’s such a turd.
I do not know how Scorpius puts up with him.
Then again when the both of them are together they’re not exactly the brightest souls out there.
That’s just a nice way of saying they’re both a couple of dumbarses'.
“I plan to bring all your problems to the attention of the school…”
“POTTER SHUT UP NO ONE LIKES YOU.”
Well okay I guess some people do like his mum and the Albus Potter Fan Club. Who just so happen to be the group of giggling girls at the Hufflepuff table for whom he's making this speech for.
Yes, he has a fan club.
Goddamit I want a fan club.
“SHUT UP MALFOY. NO ONE LIKES YOU EITHER.” He replies
"PEOPLE LIKE ME POTTER."
Yes, we refer to each other by our last names. We didn't always do this. But we figured that if we were going to hate each other we should do it by our last names.
It seems more professional that way.
"YEAH, LIKE WHO?"
Well, Mrs. Potter does like me. I mean whenever I'm at Rose's or Dom's or Molly's she's always very nice.
Personally I think Mrs. Potter's way too good looking to be his mother.
I mean James and Lily are both really good looking.
Albus on the other hand looks like a troll.
But then again James and Albus look rather alike, so its a rather complicated issue for me. The same messy black hair, the tall lanky figures but at the same time muscular and built. James is taller though. They both have glasses. James just looks more like Mrs. Potter and Albus looks like his Dad. And then James has brown eyes wheras Albus has an emerald green.
The two of them could actually pass for twins whereas Scorpius and I who are actual twins can't even pass for being related.
Scorpius is pale, not fair. Pale as hell with with white-blonde hair and mum's dark big chocolate brown eyes. When we were kids they were the best puppy dog eyes ever, we got so much shit out of our relatives.
I on the other hand look like the female copy and the exact opposite of everything Scorpius looks like.
I mean the only thing we have in common is that we’re tall, I mean I’m tall for a girl. I’m 5’6 but I tell people I’m 5’7 because 5’7 just sounds so much more attractive.
I have tanned skin. No I do not mean go to the beach, get tan. I mean genuine brown skin. Mum's grandmother was Indian or something, I don’t really bother with details. I have the raven colored curls the exact opposite to Scorpius who is also known as Goldilocks. I also have Dad’s silver gray eyes.
They're awesome for creeping people out in the night… Not that I've ever experimented and tried to do that.
Albus makes a rather disparaging noise and rolls his eyes and pretends to look uninterested.
Fuck you too Potter. Fuck you too.
“Being a prefect is a great honor…” He continues. "Only the best and most responsible can achieve it." At this he gives me glance.
"Responsiblity." I say pointedly and through clenched teeth "Is overrated."
"And it would do you good to have some Ms. Malfoy."
Aw shit, it like you have to keep an effing sensor around so that everytime a teacher shows up you won't say anything stupid.
You would think I would know not to do something stupid like this after what happened yesterday when Albus and I were cussing each other out in the corridors and right then Flitwick chooses to come by with the first years.
Needless to say Albus and I have detention for the next month every Monday, Wednesday and Friday evening for corrupting the poor virgin ears of first years.
"Hey Professor Longbottom." I say awkardly giving him an equally awkward smile. "Whaddup?"
Professor Longbottom is the Head of Gryffindor House and probably the most awesome teacher to ever have. He's hilarious but is also exceedling strict and rather scary at times.
The strange part is when I told Dad that, for some reason he just couldn't stop laughing.
Weird man that one.
"Whats up May. Is that you and Albus seem to have detention for the next month, Care to explain that?" He asks, he seems relatively calm but I know the anger is boiling down beneath. It goes along with his fury that we haven't won the House Cup in the last 10 years.
Yeah, we kinda suck.
"Its totally explainable Professor." Potter says.
"Yeah." I echo.
"I see, you two realize we are not even a day into the year and you've lost Gryffindor 50 points already?" He says.
"50's not that much Professor." Albus says.
"Yeah." I say again.
"Malfoy could you maybe say something that isn't rubbish?"
I choose merely to glare at him while I try to think of a witty comeback.
"Shut up Potter."
Wow. I'm drowning in all of my wit.
Albus snorts condescendingly.
"How dare you." I hiss.
"What the hell did I do?"
"You snorted at me!"
"The fuck? Malfoy stop being such a dumbarse!"
"I beat you in every subject last year." I say snootily.
Albus scoffs. "No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"Ok. Can you two shut up? This argument just became uninteresting." Dom says as she flips back her long blonde hair. Her peach colored skin is unblemished and I can’t help but envy that. Her blue eyes flash and her face is contorted into some strange expression.
"Ok?" I say. "Dom what is that look you're giving us? You look like an idiot."
"Yeah." Snorts Albus. "You look like you're trying to take a shit."
If this had come from anyone else I would have laughed for a very long time and then when I thought about it again in the near future I would laugh again.
But as this comes from Albus Potter I must control myself.
Rose, Molly, Fred, Scorpius and James on the other hand seem to have no other inhibitions about this as they all practically die on the spot of laughter.
Albus turns to me and smirks like the stupid prat he is.
Just as I'm about to pronounce an even funnier joke and make everyone laugh and forget about stupid Albus and his stupid joke I hear Professor Longbottom clear his throat awkwardly.
Oh shit, I forgot he was here.
See he heard us say everything we just said, and the man didn't even say anything.
Told you he was cool.
"50 points guys. That’s a lot.”
"Professor, it honestly doesn't matter anymore." Rose says.
"Yeah, we lose every year anyway." Albus says cutting her off.
Rose glares at Albus.
I really should write a book about this. Albus Potter And The Times Girls Glared At Him.
"Honestly all of you, I'm ashamed that you guys have lost confidence in ever winning the House Cup." Professor Longbottom says with a disappointed shake of his head.
"To be fair Professor, I don't think we ever had any." Scorpius says.
Professor Longbottom rolls his eyes and then proceeds to hand us our schedules.
"Ah," Scorpius says. "I think I'm gonna love sixth year. No OWLS, no NEWTS. No more stupid Ancient Runes."
“Why’d you even take that?” Albus asks. “It’s completely useless.”
At this Rose sniffs haughtily. “Ancient Runes is completely fascinating. I thought you liked it Scorpius? You said you did when we were in class.”
“I loved it!” Scorpius says too enthusiastically and when Rose looks satisfied he turns to me and gives me a thumbs up.
Yes, congratulations Scorpius. You talked to someone without making an utter dimwit of yourself.
I applaud you.
“Potter stop staring at my chest, you pervert.”
“I’m not staring at your chest Malfoy and I wouldn’t. It’s not like you’ve got anything there anyway.”
“How dare you! Just because your boobs are bigger than mine..”
“I do not have boobs!”
“Yeah, you do and even if I was flat-chested at least I don’t have a butterbeer belly like some people I could mention.” At this I give him a pointed glance.
At this Albus sniffs indignantly and looks offended. “Are you referring to my rock hard abs?”
I scoff and attempt to look unimpressed.
“Jeez Malfoy, I’ll prove it to you.” And then he starts un-buttoning his shirt.
“WHOA POTTER!” I shriek and smack his hands away from his buttons. I can’t have him take off his shirt here. I might openly ogle him (yes he actually has abs) even though it would be hilarious to see Professor Chang yell at him.
Sigh. Dilemmas, Dilemmas.’
He smirks like the stupid prat that he is. “Malfoy go get the Gurdyroot.” He orders.
“You get the Gurdyroot.” I respond simply and go back to doodling offensive pictures of Albus in my Potions book.
“No, I have to watch the Potion.”
“How about I watch it and you get the Gurdyroot?”
He glares at me. “Fine you watch the potion but make sure it bubbles every 30 seconds and then as it does change the heat from high to low and…”
Shit, ok that sounds really complicated.
And considering I’m failing my Potions Practical because I’m incapable of basically everything that involves making a potion, I prefer to sit back and let my partner do all the work.
Unfortunately when your partner is Albus Potter it takes a lot to get him to agree to something like this.
The lot in this case was me causing an explosion that blew up the cauldron and burned his eyebrows off.
He smirks at me.
I really hope his face gets stuck like that some day.
I’m about to protest more until I see Mark Davies walking into the Potions Storeroom.
Shit I can practically hear James.
‘You’re in a storage room with him, what other opening do you need May Flower?’
I speed off towards the storage room telling Albus over my shoulder that I’d be getting the Gurdyroot after all.
Speaking of which, What the hell is a Gurdyroot?
I barrel into the storage room and quickly put my hand up to my hair and attempt to flatten it. I quickly finger comb through my bangs as well.
I quickly make my way over to Mark before I can lose my nerve.
“Hey Mark.” I say my voice higher than usual.
He turns around and when he sees me he grins. “Sup May?”
Mark Davies is probably the most amazing boy to ever exist. He’s attractive, smart, nice AND he plays Quidditch.
I didn’t even know people like that could exist.
He’s tall, tanned from playing Quidditch all summer, the most amazing body I’ve ever seen. Completely muscular and the most amazing abs ever.
Yes, I like abs.
He’s also got gorgeous brownish blond hair and the most amazing green eyes ever. His hair is brilliant. I wish my hair was brilliant.
Ok. I have to think of something smart, intelligent and funny to say.
“So what’s up?” I ask awkwardly as I rock back and forth on my heels.
“Oh nothing.” He says running his hands through his brilliant hair, I want run my hands through his brilliant hair. “Just thinking, I have to hold Quidditch tryouts this weekend.”
“Oh you do? Right you’re the Ravenclaw Captain. Congrats.”
This is the most mundane conversation I have ever experienced.
“So Mark.. I… was wondering if you could.. help me out.” I ask.
“Sure.” He says. “What is it?”
Oh shit, I didn’t think of this.
Goddamit why am I incapable of stringing two vaguely intelligent sentences when I’m with attractive people?
“Well I was wondering... Uh… no I was wondering if maybe you could help me with – aw shit why can’t I think of anything?-- some of my Quidditch… I’m trying to learn how to pull out of a dive but I can’t really learn how to do it. So could… you teach me?”
YES. I am a genius. There is no way this plan can fail.
I should get shirts printed up ‘May Malfoy Is Brilliant’
He chuckles. “Aren’t you a Gryffindor? As a Ravenclaw this would be treason against my own house.” He says.
I can be a Ravenclaw for you Mark.
I'm sorta intelligent... I suppose.
“Oh.. well then… alright.” I say awkwardly.
My fool-proof plan failed.
He laughs. “May I was just joking, of course I’ll help you.”
“I’ll help you.”
THERE IS A GOD
Mark inches towards the doorway “Alright May I’ll just be leaving now,” He says.
“Yeah,” I squeak out. “I am too.”
Now to get the bloody ingredient, why do I even take this class?
Goddamn you Gurdyroot, what do you even look like?
I grab a white colored root. Worth a shot.
I practically race over to my cauldron so I can shove the stupid root at Albus and then tell Rose, Molly and Dom all the dirty details.
“May!” Mark calls.
I turn around and proceed to walk backwards at the same speed towards the cauldron.
“What time should we meet up?” He calls.
“Um…” I say still walking backwards like the fool I am. “5:00 on Saturday?” I shout.
“Alright.” He calls. “I’ll meet you on the pitch.”
I can see several of the girls glaring at me.
Suck it bitches.
I attempt a what I hope is a charming smile at Mark.
And in my attempt to do so I crash into Albus who is standing next to our cauldron causing him to fall in head-first.
“MALFOY!” He shrieks and with his feet scrambling in the air somehow manages to tip the cauldron over and fall out of it with the entire cauldrons contents falling over him.
Oh fuck. This is not good. Not good at all.
"MS. MALFOY," Professor Chang screams.
Shit, shit shit shit. This is not good at all.
"Yes, Professor?" I squeak my voice about 2 trillion octaves higher.
Oh shit she's gonna kill me. ShitShitShitShit.
"Are you trying to attempt to murder Mr.Potter?"
"No ma'am." I say in my high squeaky voice, out of the corner of my eye I can see Scorpius laughing across the room.
"Then why, did you push him into the cauldron? I hope you realize that pushing him into a cauldron would be fatal had you been brewing a more complex potion!" Professor Chang asks her eyes slanting until they're almost slits.
Is that racist? I mean she is Asian after all.
"I did not not push him!" I shriek. "He fell in, all by himself." I state in an obvious sort of tone. I'm rather proud of myself for thinking of such an excellent lie on spot.
"She's lying!" Albus shouts. "She's mad I tell you Professor, Malfoy's out to get me!"
Its like there's no brotherhood. He couldn't cut some slack for a bro.
"I am not!" I hiss at him. "Need I remind you of last year when you poured a bottle of color-changing elixir over me! I was bloody orange for a week!"
"AH-HA! So you admit that this was your revenge!"
"I will neither confirm nor deny anything."
"So you did do it on purpose!"
"Uh... Albus you're a panda."
"Don't change the... wait... what?"
Hair has started rapidly growing in strange dark patches all over his body and I can see it even peeking out between the buttons of his shirt.
Chest hair is not attractive on you Albus, you are not the Wolverine.
Professor Chang looks ready to explode. "Its the effect of the Potion."
"What potion were we brewing?"
"Ms. Malfoy are you even unaware of what Potion we were brewing?" Professor Chang hisses.
"I know what potion we're brewing Professor, speaking of which shouldn't we take Albus to the Hospital Wing?" I ask trying desperately and awkwardly to divert the topic.
"It was a hair growth potion Ms. Malfoy and yes, escort Mr. Potter to Madam Pomfrey, I'll owl her. She will decide your punishment."
"WHAT, No Malfoy is not leading me to the Hospital Wing! She's gonna push me down the stairs and try to murder me!" Albus says as he attempts to pull the rapidly growing hair off of his arm.
I roll my eyes. "I'll take him Professor." Only to prove that I'm not actually plotting his murder and going to murder him.
"May!" Scorpius calls and as I turn out of the corner of my eye I see him throw something to me
... which promptly hits me in the face.
Curse you slow reflexes, and as Albus roars with laughter I pick up the stupid thing that my stupid brother threw at me.
Albus stops laughing for a minute and reduces his amusment to gasps, "Why the bloody hell did he throw a radish at you?"
Shit, this is the Gurdyroot.
"I don't know Scorpius is weird." I say quickly to avoid any sort of discussion on the matter and as I chuck the stupid radish back at Scorpius I hit someone else in the face with my horrible aim.
Thank Merlin I'm not a Chaser.
Oh shit, I hit Mark in the back of his perfect, beautiful head, shit shit shit shit.
I can hear the roar of Albus' laughter in my ears and I grab him by his unbelievably long beard and tug it as hard as I can.
"OW!" He yells, "Jeez Malfoy, pissed cause your boyfriend's realized you're actually a psycho?"
I can see Mark rubbing the back of his head and Natalie Nott putting her bloody hands all over him.
I WILL RUB YOUR HEAD UNTIL YOU FEEL BETTER MY LOVE
Is that creepy?
Albus sighs in an exasperated sort of fashion, "Can we leave now? I don't really fancy watching you drool over Davies."
I grab him by his disgusting beard which is now longer than my hair and proceed to drag him out of Potions. "Put a sock in it Hairy Potter." I snap at him.
"Thats not even funny!" He protests. "Its not my fault you're obsessed with Davies!"
As Mark looks over at the sound this rather interesting piece of information, I grab Albus' beard and attempt to pretend that it's my own.
This is by far one of my best disguises.
I am brilliant.
"You idiot." I hiss at Albus. "He heard you."
Albus roars with his stupid obnoxious laughter and my only response to it is to yank his bloody beard even harder.
'OW! PROFESSOR I TOLD YOU SHE WAS TRYING TO KILL ME!"
Hahhahah :) Hello all, forget to put an authors note at the end of the last chapter. Sorry that one sucked by the way. I couldn't think of a better way to explain things. I think this chapter is a favorite of mine and I would just like to thank you all for your reviews from the first chapter :)
So now that you've seen both Al and James I'm leaving it up to my lovely reviewers to pick May's beau ;)
So, enjoy and don't forget to review! :)
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