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The Troubles Of Being A Malfoy by May Potter
Chapter 2 : Potions Anomalies
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 7

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  “And further more as your prefect for this year I will do an exemplary job, I will not let you down and…”

Oh my merlin.


 Does he ever shut up?


 He’s such a turd.


 I do not know how Scorpius puts up with him.


 Then again when the both of them are together they’re not exactly the brightest souls out there.


“I plan to bring all your problems to the attention of the school…”




 Well okay I guess some people do like his mum and the Albus Potter Fan Club. Who just so happen to be the group of giggling girls at the Hufflepuff table for whom he's making this speech for.


 Yes, he has a fan club.


Goddamit I want a fan club.






Yes, we refer to each other by our last names. We didn't always do this. But we figured that if we were going to hate each other we should do it by our last names.


It seems more professional that way.






Well, Mrs. Potter does like me.



I think.



She's always been really nice to me whenever I've met her.



Personally I think Mrs. Potter's way too good looking to be his mother.


 I mean James and Lily are both rathergood looking.


 Albus on the other hand looks like a troll.


 But then again James and Albus look rather alike, so its a rather complicated issue for me

The two of them could actually pass for twins whereas Scorpius and I who are actual


 twins can't even pass for being related.

Scorpius is pale, not fair. Pale as hell with with white-blonde hair and mum's dark big


 chocolate brown eyes.

I on the other hand look like the female copy and the exact opposite of everything Scorpius looks like. 

I mean the only thing we have in common is that we’re tall, I mean I’m tall for a girl. I’m 5’6 but I tell people I’m 5’7 because 5’7 just sounds so much more attractive.

I have tanned skin. No I do not mean go to the beach, get tan. I mean genuine brown skin. Mum's grandmother was Indian or something, I don’t really bother with details. I have the raven colored curls the exact opposite to Scorpius who is also known as Goldilocks. I also have Dad’s silver gray eyes.

I know I'm rather good looking. I mean I'm not Dominique or Victoire Weasely good looking, but I pass as a human being.

Unlike some people I could mention.


 Albus makes a rather disparaging noise and rolls his eyes and pretends to look uninterested.

Fuck you too Potter. Fuck you too.

I've been considerably crueler to him ever since James got me in a broom closet and took away my innocence.

Because even though James didn't turn out to rape me, he did take away my innocence. The innocence of not snogging Albus Potter.

Ah, I remember the days when I didn't have that hanging over my head,

Good times, good times.

“Being a prefect is a great honor…” He continues. "Only the best and most responsible can achieve it." At this he gives me glance.

Dear Merlin, I didn't know it was possible that your head could be that big. I wonder how his broom gets off the ground with his fat head on it.

"Oi!" Albus exclaims.

Oops I think I said that out loud.

I cross my arms and glare. "Hashtag sorry not sorry." I say which gets me some strange looks. 

What? Rose taught me that. She said it was muggles' way of being sassy.

"Yeah." I say again.

"Malfoy could you maybe say something that isn't rubbish?"

I choose merely to glare at him while I try to think of a witty comeback.

"Shut up Potter."

Clever of me. 

Albus snorts condescendingly.

"How dare you." I hiss.

"What the hell did I do?"

"You snorted at me!"

"The fuck? Malfoy stop being such a dumbarse!"

"I beat you in every subject last year." I say snootily.

Albus scoffs. "No you didn't."

"Yes I did."

I didn't.





"Shut up." Dom says.


"Yeah," Says Molly. "It's far too early to hear you two speak rubbish.



"Ah," Scorpius says. "I think I'm gonna love sixth year. No OWLS, no NEWTS. No more stupid Ancient Runes."

“Why’d you even take that?” Albus asks. “It’s completely useless.”

At this Rose sniffs haughtily. “Ancient Runes is completely fascinating. I thought you liked it Scorpius? You said you did when we were in class.” 

“I loved it!” Scorpius says too enthusiastically and when Rose looks satisfied he turns to me and gives me a thumbs up.

Yes, congratulations Scorpius. You talked to someone without making an utter dimwit of yourself.

I applaud you.



“Potter stop staring at my chest, you pervert.”

“I’m not staring at your chest Malfoy and I wouldn’t. It’s not like you’ve got anything there anyway.”

“How dare you! Just because your boobs are bigger than mine..”

“I do not have boobs!”

“Yeah, you do and even if I was flat-chested at least I don’t have a butterbeer belly like some people I could mention.” At this I give him a pointed glance.

At this Albus sniffs indignantly and looks offended. “Are you referring to my rock hard abs?”

I scoff and attempt to look unimpressed.

“Jeez Malfoy, I’ll prove it to you.” And then he starts un-buttoning his shirt.

“WHOA POTTER!” I shriek and smack his hands away from his buttons. I can’t have him take off his shirt here. I might openly ogle him (yes he actually has abs) even though it would be hilarious to see Professor Chang yell at him.

Sigh. Dilemmas, Dilemmas.’

He smirks like the stupid prat that he is. “Malfoy go get the Gurdyroot.” He orders.

“You get the Gurdyroot.” I respond simply and go back to doodling offensive pictures of Albus in my Potions book.

 “No, I have to watch the Potion.”

“How about I watch it and you get the Gurdyroot?”

He glares at me. “Fine you watch the potion but make sure it bubbles every 30 seconds and then as it does change the heat from high to low and…”

Shit, ok that sounds really complicated.

And considering I’m failing my Potions Practical because I’m incapable of basically everything that involves making a potion, I prefer to sit back and let my partner do all the work.

Unfortunately when your partner is Albus Potter it takes a lot to get him to agree to something like this.

The lot in this case was me causing an explosion that blew up the cauldron and burned his eyebrows off.

He smirks at me.

 I really hope his face gets stuck like that some day.

I’m about to protest more until I see Mark Davies walking into the Potions Storeroom.

Shit I can practically hear James patronizing me to get back on the plan

Whatever Mark Davies is hot as fuck.



I speed off towards the storage room telling Albus over my shoulder that I’d be getting the Gurdyroot after all.

Speaking of which, What the hell is a Gurdyroot?

I barrel into the storage room and quickly put my hand up to my hair and attempt to flatten it. I quickly finger comb through my bangs as well.

I quickly make my way over to Mark before I can lose my nerve.

“Hey Mark.” I say my voice higher than usual.

He turns around and when he sees me he grins. “Sup May?”

Mark Davies is probably the most amazing boy to ever exist. He’s attractive, smart, nice AND he plays Quidditch.

I didn’t even know people like that could exist.

He’s tall, tanned from playing Quidditch all summer, the most amazing body I’ve ever seen. Completely muscular and the most amazing abs ever.

Yes, I like abs.

Moving on.

He’s also got gorgeous brownish blond hair and the most amazing green eyes ever. His hair is brilliant. I wish my hair was brilliant.

Ok. I have to think of something smart, intelligent and funny to say.

“So what’s up?” I ask awkwardly as I rock back and forth on my heels.

“Oh nothing.” He says running his hands through his brilliant hair, I want run my hands through his brilliant hair. “Just thinking, I have to hold Quidditch tryouts this weekend.”

“Oh you do? Right you’re the Ravenclaw Captain. Congrats.”

This is the most mundane conversation I have ever experienced.

“So Mark.. I… was wondering if you could.. help me out.” I ask.

 “Sure.” He says. “What is it?”

Oh shit, I didn’t think of this.

Goddamit why am I incapable of stringing two vaguely intelligent sentences when I’m with attractive people?



“Well I was wondering... Uh… no I was wondering if maybe you could help me with – aw shit why can’t I think of anything?-- some of my Quidditch… I’m trying to learn how to pull out of a dive but I can’t really learn how to do it. So could… you teach me?”

YES. I am a genius. There is no way this plan can fail.

I should get shirts printed up ‘May Malfoy Is Brilliant’

He chuckles. “Aren’t you a Gryffindor? As a Ravenclaw this would be treason against my own house.” He says.

I can be a Ravenclaw for you Mark.

I'm sorta intelligent... I suppose.

“Oh.. well then… alright.” I say awkwardly.

My fool-proof plan failed.

He laughs. “May I was just joking, of course I’ll help you.”

“Wait? What?”

“I’ll help you.”



Mark inches towards the doorway “Alright May I’ll just be leaving now,” He says.

“Yeah,” I squeak out. “I am too.”


Now to get the bloody ingredient, why do I even take this class?

Goddamn you Gurdyroot, what do you even look like?

I grab a white colored root. Worth a shot.

I practically race over to my cauldron so I can shove the stupid root at Albus and then tell Rose, Molly and Dom all the dirty details.

“May!” Mark calls.

I turn around and proceed to walk backwards at the same speed towards the cauldron.

“What time should we meet up?” He calls.

“Um…” I say still walking backwards like the fool I am. “5:00 on Saturday?” I shout.

“Alright.” He calls. “I’ll meet you on the pitch.”

Suck it bitches.


I attempt a what I hope is a charming smile at Mark. 

And in my attempt to do so I crash into Albus who is standing next to our cauldron causing him to fall in head-first.

“MALFOY!” He shrieks and with his feet scrambling in the air somehow manages to tip the cauldron over and  fall out of it  with the  entire cauldrons contents falling over him.

Oh fuck. This is not good. Not good at all.

"MS. MALFOY," Professor MacMillian screams.

Shit, shit shit shit. This is not good at all.

"Yes, Professor?" I squeak my voice about 2 trillion octaves higher.

Oh shit he's gonna kill me. ShitShitShitShit. 

"Are you trying to attempt to murder Mr.Potter?"

"No ma'am." I say in my high squeaky voice, out of the corner of my eye I can see Scorpius laughing across the room.


"Then why, did you push him into the cauldron? I hope you realize that pushing him into a cauldron would be fatal had you been brewing a more complex potion!" Professor MacMillian asks his eyes slanting until they're almost slits.

"I did not not push him!" I shriek. "He fell in, all by himself." I state in an obvious sort of tone. I'm rather proud of myself for thinking of such an excellent lie on spot. 

"She's lying!" Albus shouts. "She's mad I tell you Professor, Malfoy's out to get me!"

Fucking tattletale.

Its like there's no brotherhood. He couldn't cut some slack for a bro.


I need to confer with James about this bet.



"I am not!" I hiss at him. "Need I remind you of last year when you poured a bottle of color-changing elixir over me! I was bloody orange for a week!"

"AH-HA! So you admit that this was your revenge!" 

"I will neither confirm nor deny anything." 

"So you did do it on purpose!"

"Whatever at least I don't have a hairy chest."

"Don't change the... wait... what?"

Hair has started rapidly growing in strange dark patches all over his body and I can see it even peeking out between the buttons of his shirt.


Chest hair is not attractive on you Albus, you are not the Wolverine.


Professor MacMillian looks ready to explode. "Its the effect of the Potion."

"What potion were we brewing?"

"Ms. Malfoy are you even unaware of what Potion we were brewing?" Professor MacMillian hisses.

"I know what potion we're brewing Professor, speaking of which shouldn't we take Albus to the Hospital Wing?" I ask trying desperately and awkwardly to divert the topic.

"It was a hair growth potion Ms. Malfoy and yes, escort Mr. Potter to Madam Pomfrey, I'll owl her. She will decide your punishment."

"WHAT, No Malfoy is not leading me to the Hospital Wing! She's gonna push me down the stairs and try to murder me!" Albus says as he attempts to pull the rapidly growing hair off of his arm.


I roll my eyes. "I'll take him Professor." Only to prove that I'm not actually plotting his murder.



Maybe I can squeeze in the snog somewhere on the way there.


On second thought maybe not, he does have hairy lips now.

And for the second time in two days I get out of Potions early, luck must be on my side. Unfortunately I trip over Albus' beard and fall face forwards onto the floor.








 I can hear the roar of Albus' laughter in my ears and I grab him by his unbelievably long beard and tug it as hard as I can.


"OW!" He yells, "Jeez Malfoy, pissed cause your boyfriend's realized you're actually a psycho?"





I can see Mark rubbing the back of his head and Natalie Nott putting her bloody hands all over him.





Albus sighs in an exasperated sort of fashion, "Can we leave now? I don't really fancy watching you drool over Davies."



I grab him by his disgusting beard which is now longer than my hair and proceed to drag him out of Potions. "Put a sock in it Hairy Potter." I snap at him.


"Thats not even funny!" He protests. "Its not my fault you're obsessed with Davies!" 


As Mark looks over at the sound this rather interesting piece of information, I grab Albus' beard and attempt to pretend that it's my own.


This is by far one of my best disguises.


I am brilliant.


"You idiot." I hiss at Albus. "He heard you." 


Albus roars with his stupid obnoxious laughter and my only response to it is to yank his bloody beard even harder.




Well, fuck.



Revised as of 2/22/14

Favorite quotes, favorite quotes! 

Ok guys question, who do you like for May better? Albus or James? It's your choice ladies and gentlemen. So pick fast :)





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