Chapter 1 : Rita Skeeter
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Author Note: I don't tend to do author notes at the beginning but I thought I should say this is a parody of sorts, so have fun and don't take it too seriously!
They were closeted away in a dark corner of The Three Broomsticks. Rita Skeeter didn’t want anyone to overhear this exclusive interview; The Quibbler had paid a significant amount of money for it happen, so obviously they wouldn’t want to lose it all.
“People really don’t understand mine and Cho’s situation. They always assume that we’re going to be bitter old witches, moaning over our exes and we’re not. Just because I flaunted the fact that I was dating Celestina Warbeck’s son to Ronald, does not make me hung up about him,” Lavender Brown burst out, while Cho Chang gave her a sympathetic pat on the back.
Rita laughed at both girls’ stupidity. She had heard the stories about Cho breaking into hysterics when she bumped into Ginny in Gladrags. How Witch Weekly loved it when Cho pulled clothes off the rails like a mad woman and then threw ink around the room. Of course The Quibbler strayed away from that sort of stuff, they were a professional magazine. Well, not so much after this interview.
“How do you feel about the rumours of Hermione Granger being pregnant, Lavender? Aren’t you even the slightest bit upset about hearing this?” Rita Skeeter gave her a warm smile, while she dabbed her quick quotes quill in pot of crimson ink. Getting gossip from these two was as easy as stealing sweets from a baby. Not that Rita had done that of course, she didn’t sink that low.
Lavender spluttered out her butter beer at the mention of Hermione being pregnant. “I think those accusations are unfounded, Rita. First of all, they would have to have done a certain thing, and I really don’t think that’s possible. Granger would never have got her head out of a book long enough for that to happen. Besides, she’s the not thinnest of people, so she could just be piling on the pounds, nothing more.”
Rita smirked at her response; the reaction to this article was going to be wonderful. She then turned to Cho. After all, she couldn’t portray one of them more badly than the other. “How do you feel about the birth of Harry Potter’s first child? When the wizarding world heard about you and Harry, we all assumed you would be the one. We never thought that he would deign to date a Weasley, when he could have someone like you.”
Rita eyed the little figurine of Harry Cho held in her hand. If she wasn’t in love with him, Rita was a flobberworm, and that was a blatant lie as Rita was far more attractive than a slimy pink thing. “I know, I’ve heard that a lot too. Of course, we all know how that child came along. Ginny Weasley was always a talented witch, so making a love potion shouldn’t have been too hard for her. Us Ravenclaws always used to wonder how she ended up being a Gryffindor. Slytherin would have been the most obvious choice for someone as devious as her.”
Rita’s quill ran across the parchment so quickly that ink began to spurt out everywhere. This was good, but it wasn’t good enough. The only way she was going to get what the readers wanted was if she liquored them up. Then the secrets would begin to spill.
Several fire whiskeys later, Rita had got them just where she wanted them to be. Lavender was now sobbing into the sleeve of her robe about the unfairness of it all, and how she could never become cover girl of Witch Weekly without her ‘Won-Won’. Cho was mutilating what appeared to be a picture of Ginny Weasley and muttering darkly under her breath.
“They always go for the same girls. Ginny had enough boys of her choice at Hogwarts, why can’t she give someone else a chance," Cho spat out. "I tell the press that I’m crying over Cedric, but they don’t know it’s really for Harry.” Rita began to feel a little guilt rise up inside of her; she didn’t expect their reaction to be this extreme. At least it would make a good article, she thought happily.
“You know what you should do, Cho?” Lavender had managed to refrain from crying for a few moments to give a word of advice to her. “You should date one of her exes. I’m planning on doing the same with Krum. I sent him a letter explaining all the details about how wonderful it would be. I would get my Won-Won, and he would get Hermione. I got a very nice letter back from his manager explaining that he was a little busy now, but when his schedule was free he would consider it.”
Rita laughed at this point, but the girls were too far gone to even notice her presence. How naďve they were thinking that they would get support for their cause by talking to her. Though she felt a twinge of guilt about it a few moments ago that feeling had long since disappeared. Anyone with an ounce of sense would know to stay away from her if they wanted to keep a positive image. She had enough notes on their views of Hermione and Ginny to write a book on them.
Exposes were her type of thing, after all; the one with Dumbledore went miraculously well. Cho Chang’s perfect image as a healer could be crushed in seconds. Lavender Brown’s moderately successful modelling career could be ruined forever. Oh so tempting, oh so easy.
“So Cho, would you contemplate going down the same path as Lavender and date Dean Thomas or Michael Corner?” Rita hoped that the mention of their names would generate some gossip about them. That ridiculous Xenophilius Lovegood told her to keep this article gossip free, but everyone knew boring facts didn’t sell. If it was facts about their private life, however, it would sell like freshly baked Cauldron Cakes.
“Haha, I wouldn’t touch either of them with a ten foot broomstick. Dean Thomas is reportedly doing something dodgy to keep his failing art career going. But that’s Gryffindors for you – they never know when to concede defeat. Then Michael Corner is the most notorious womaniser ever. You should hear what he did to my friend Marietta…” Cho launched into her anecdote, and Rita’s eyes lit up with excitement about it.
This article was going to be golden, she thought merrily, even if it did ruin a few reputations in the process of writing it. She would finally be back in the place she longed for – the most devious writer in the wizarding world.
Author's note:So here's a more detailed one! I'm not sure how many chapters there will be, but this is more of a pet project! The world and characters are inter-linked and you will see some characters again, such as Lavender, but each chapter will have a different focus. I love parodies and I would love it if you left a review as they really make my day and I would love to know what you thought of Lavender, Cho and Rita!