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Memoirs of a Nutter by loony_lovegood101
Chapter 5 : Nutty Escapades
 
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 12


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“I NEED A GALLEON, GALLEON, A GALLEON IS WHAT I NEED.”
 
I’m going to murder the world.
 

“I’m going to murder the world,” Conner moaned from behind me.
I love that boy.
 

“You know, my life was a lot more peaceful before hunky, hot boys started talking to me,”

I slumped down onto the breakfast table.
 

“Your life was boring before us, darling,” smirked James from behind his goblet.
 

“Boring, peaceful, are they not the same thing?” I swatted Freddy away from my toast.
 

Don’t nobody touch my toast.
 

Ain’t nobody got time for that.
 

…once again. I wish I was black.
 

“AH AH AH AH STAYING ALIVE, STAYING ALIVE, AH AH AH AH, STAYING ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE.”
 

“SHUT THE FUCK UP, FREDDY,” all three of us screamed.
“Am I doing the running man?” I asked James.





“Not quite.”
 

“How about now?”
 

“It looks like you’re feet are having a heart attack.”
 

“MAYBE YOU’RE STUPID FACE IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK.”
 

“That’s physically impossible,” noted Conner from the couch.
 

“Oh, I see how it is, a couple of weeks of hanging out with hunky males and you already love them more than me. THE BETRAYAL SEEPS THROUGH MY BONES CON CON. I SHUN THOU. THOUST IS SHUNNED…and by the way, I wouldn’t have a footing problem if I was black,” and with that I dramatically lifted my hands to my forehead and mock fainted to the ground.
 

…without looking where I was falling.
 

“MY FUCKING HEAD IS ON FIRRRRRRRRRRRRE. CALL AN AMBULANCE, CALL DUMBLEDORE, CALL MERLIN, CALL HARRY POTTER, CALL FUCKING OPRAAAAAAAAAAAH.”
 

“Aguamenti,” James said, rather flippantly, whilst dousing my body in water, “seriously dude, how did you put up with her for 5 years?”
 

To which Conner replied, “she’s the best person I know,” and then shrugged.
 

Awwww. My heart just melted. Like the wicked witch.
 

“I’M MELTING, I’M MEEEEEEEEEEEEELTING,” I said whilst flailing my arms and rolling on the floor.
 

James looked at me both quizzically and admittedly extremely terrified, while Conner clarified for him, “it’s her way of showing affection.”
 

I crawled over to Conner’s couch and snuggled into his middle, feeling his hands wrap around my waist, and told him, “It takes an awesome person to know and awesome person.”
 

“Gee thanks, Collins,” James added in from the corner.
 

“Awww, well aren’t you just a big sensitive marshmallow, dear Jamie”, and solely for the purpose of including him (and most defiantly not for the purpose of touching his abs) I crawled over to him and wrapped my hand around his tummy.
 

Forgive me. I think I’m drooling.
 

James lifted his arms hesitantly and twisted them around my waist, cautiously at first and then slightly tighter, pressing my head into his chest. A feeling of warmth spread through my body and without registering what I was doing I inhaled deeply.
 

James smelled like…cookies.
 

Look at me right now God, and tell me that this boy wasn’t made for me.
 

No?
 

Okay then, I’ll see you later, perhaps when I die and float into the white light. Oh, and can you do me a solid and make sure that I die whilst eating chocolate? Thanks bro.
 

James gently pulled my head from his chest and smiled sweetly at me. “You’re growing on me, Collins,”
 

Awww…listen to that. It’s practically a declaration of love.
 

“…a bit like a wart.”
 

Scratch that last.
 





My breath flew raggedly from my lungs; the sound of my heart echoed the frantic movements of my hands. Panic filled my vision like waves crashing in a storm, and everywhere I looked faded into a dream. My belongings lay scattered around my trunk, whilst my hands dug down, deeper and deeper, to the very depths of the unknown.
 

As I came up empty handed I stared at my hands in horror, watching them twitch pathetically, knowing I had no control over my own body.
 

My rainbow socks were gone.
 

My rainbow socks were gone.
 

My rainbow socks were GONE.
 

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” a tortured shriek escaped from my lips.
 

My knees gave out from beneath me and I crumpled to the floor.“





 

 



 

 


You’re sure you didn’t lose them, Jess,” Conner said softly, whilst pulling my hair back.
 

“N-n-n-oooooo I didn’t fucking lose them, I w-w-would never lose them, besides, I found this is my truuuuuunk,” I broke off into wailing sobs and let the letter flutter down from my hands.
 

Dear you,
I have claimed what is rightfully mine.
Not sincerely, me.
 

“Definitely not the biggest hole in the cheese,” noted Freddy, “What? I get bored of the sharp pencil thingo,” he added after James looked at him questioningly.
 

“I don’t understand why someone would want a pair of socks.”
 

We all twirled around to find the midget second year sitting in the table behind us, a pondering look upon his face.
 

“NOT JUST ANY PAIR OF SOCKS. THE RAINBOW PAIR OF SOCKS. People kill for socks like this. After they stopped selling them in 2015 there were actually hippie riots. HIPPIE RIOTS I TELL YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU.” I shook my fist at his back as he scampered away from me.
 

“No, no, I defiantly understand the importance of the socks, James said, twirling the moustache and adjusting the monocle he had transfigured.
 

“All you need to do now is find out who stole them,” Freddy whispered dramatically.
 

“And perhaps you need an accomplice to venture forward with you on this journey,” whispered James, pulling his new trench coat up above his chin and placing a disguising black hat inconspicuously upon his head.
 

“This is ridiculous!” exclaimed Conner, “the socks are los-I mean the location of the rainbow socks has been miscalculated. I’m sure they’ll turn up somewhere, Jess.”
 

“You say that quite convincingly young man,” I said ominously as I rose from my chair.
Conner nodded proudly from behind me.
 

“Perhaps too convincingly,” I cried as I spun around, a pointed finger crooked his way.
 

“Oh, by the merciless of fluffernutters folks, wizmail me to vote who shall win the showdown, Jess the Mess or Conner the Bonner, and have your name put down in the draw for a faster, more efficient owl,” threw in Freddy from the sidelines. 
 

 “Tell me Conner, why was it you were so eager for me to dismiss the notion of a search for the rainbow socks. Perhaps because you don’t want them discovered…ON YOU?”
 

“I mean, I guess if you want, I could be your accomplice. I have many techniques to offer. Playing evasive, good auror, bad auror, I know it all,” nodded James enthusiastically, “Watch this.”
 

James proceeded to saunter around the table towards where Conner was looking at us like a bunch of chickens that had begun to poop gold. He slammed his hands on the table beside Conner with a resounding thud and leaned towards his face. “I’m gonna beat your ass like the Whomping Willow, boy, I’m gonna-fuck, my monocle keeps slipping-wring your neck till those rainbow socks that you’re wearing absorb into your bloodstream and fall out your mouth.”
 

“How did I do?” James asked after he turned back towards me eagerly.
 

“FOR THE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCKSSSSSSSSSSSSSS,” I bellowed as I shoved past James and attempted to gnaw Conner’s ankle.
 

And then the strangest thing happened. Conner picked me up off his ankle and hugged me.
 

“Jess, you know not very deep down, that I would never do that to you. I completely understand that you’re going through a hard time right now, with the socks and whatnot, but you have to realize that you’re only accusing me because you want to play detective.”

 

“I LOVE YOU, CONNER. NEVER LEAVE ME, MY SWEET BUBBLE OF SANITY. MY ROCK OF CALMNESS.”
 

“That’s her way of saying sorry,” he assured both Freddy and James, while hugging me back, “does this mean you’ll give up the crazy sock chase?”
 

“Hell no, THIS BITCH IS GOING DOWN,” I fist pumped inspirationally, “you ready for a wild ride partner?” I asked James, and watched the huge grin spread across his face.
 

“Sure thing, good old chap.”
 

“Damn I could have sworn that Conner the Bonner was in it till the end, but a happy ending now who wants that?” said the midget second year.
 

“Well life is full of disappointments, youngling, you’ll learn that soon enough. Till next episode folks, this was Freddy Weasley, over and out.” 
 





Disclaimer: The quote “I’m melting” was not a lOony original, it is from the Wizard of Oz, the song “Staying Alive” is of The Bee Jees creation. Also the song “I need a Galleon” was pretty much entirely based on Aloe Blacc’s “I Need a Dollar”. Also Oprah is her own woman. YOU GO GIRL.

I was abducted by aliens? No? Something more believable? A fish ate my face. This is actually true, if the fish were school and my face was me. But anywho…I am sorry that it took so long…honestly I had a bit of trouble figuring out a plotline. In the end this is what came to me most naturally so this is the one I wrote :D
Pet the box if you dare.


 
 


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