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The Marauding Misadventures of Teddy Lupin by ShieldSnitch3
Chapter 1 : Day 1
 
Rating: MatureChapter Reviews: 5


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The faint smell of Hagrid’s decaying pumpkins filled the air of the Great Hall, reminding me once again that I was home. It took me three years, but gosh darn it, I found my way back to Hogwarts.

Call it a stroke of luck, call it fate, but whatever it was, something brought me back. Guess I really owe it all to good old Dad when you think about it. The only reason I got the job was because of his “phenomenal” teaching, despite the fact that he was a “werewolf” and parents argued that “such a monster should never be allowed to teach their children.”

Yeah, whatever.

It’s not like I’m complaining. Personally, I think being taught by a real live werewolf would have been wicked.

And having one for a father?

That’s just badass.

Anyhoo, thank Godric that Headmaster Vector got a hold of me and offered this temporary teaching position. Otherwise, I might very well have been at the Ministry, starting my first official day as an Auror.

If I’m being totally honest, I never really wanted to be an Auror. It was just one of those things that I was supposed to do - you know, like brushing your teeth or eating your vegetables. The Ministry was always dying to snatch me up, seeing as I’m a Metamorphamagus and what-not. Plus my mum and dad were big-shot Dark Wizard fighters or summat. But my heart was never really in it, you know?

Nevertheless, I suppose it all worked out in the end, seeing as I eventually made it back home to Hogwarts. Oh, how I’d missed the smell of those decaying pumpkins.

It did feel a bit awkward, though. I mean, I used to be sitting at those four long house tables, gazing up at the people I was now sitting next to. Who the bloody hell ever thought Teddy Lupin would wind up enforcing the rules instead of breaking them? Certainly not I.

Ah, well. Sometimes life surprises you like that, smacking you right in the face like a wild flobberworm when you least expect it. Or, you know, something of that nature. I’m not good with similes, all right? Jeesh. Everyone's a critic.

Anyway, in my three years away from Hogwarts, I’d somehow evolved into the knowlegable and wise Professor Lupin, sworn defender of peace and justice and -

Okay, that’s just utter bullshit.

Truth is, I didn’t know the first thing about teaching. Just the thought of standing there, in front of impressionable young minds, made my hair turn an obnoxious shade of pansy purple.

No, not just purple.

Pansy purple.

Giggles issued from some of the students seated at the tables before me, and I felt my cheeks flush violently. As I drew more and more stares, my hair switched from pansy purple to a deep shade of maroon.

No, not just red.

Maroon.

Well, at least it wasn’t pansy anymore.

“Lupin, knock it off,” Professor Pucey whispered from a few seats down.

I sighed, ran my fingers through my maroon hair, and turned it back to its new regular shade of blondish-brown as dictated by my contract. Apparently, having a teacher with blue/maroon/pansy purple hair wasn’t “proper” or “professional.” I had personally disagreed on this little tidbit, but Vector insisted on putting it in writing. 

Speaking of Vector, she’d begun to announce the changes to staff, which meant that it was my time to shine. I’d worked on my entrance for weeks, ever since James Potter had made me promise to do something cool when I got called on at the welcome dinner.

“Due to the untimely departure of Professor Thomas, this year we have a new Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher joining us,” Vector drawled. “Please give your warmest Hogwarts welcome to Professor Lupin!”

Taking my cue, I waved to the student body and shot them a lopsided grin, Metamorphamagusing my nose into a pig snout. The students laughed heartily (yes, I said heartily) at my little trick, and over the din I heard James yell boisterously, “That’s my Teddy Lupin!”

From down the table, Pucey glared at me. I had the feeling that he and I wouldn’t be getting along very well.

Git.

I never liked him when I was a student, either. Honestly, the bloke had always had it out for me. I was a perfect angel in Potions, all sunny and cheerful, but for some reason, he seemed to think that I was a “trouble maker.”

Please. I only blew up my cauldron those one hundred and eighty-seven times -

“Lupin,” Pucey hissed pointedly.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” I muttered, disdainfully Metamorphamagusing my nose back to normal. 

“You better get yourself in line,” he growled, “or you’ll be out of here just like your father.”

Oh, fuck no. I wasn’t going to stand for that. Nobody insults badass Teddy Remus Lupin or his werewolf father and lives to tell the tale. So, as Pucey smirked and turned back to listen to Vector’s speech, I responded with a hateful and fear-inducing silence.

Ha! Take that, Pucey! Tremble at my feet!

Oh, who am I kidding? In no way was my silence hateful or fear-inducing. I was acting like a scared little first year, not even able to stand up to bloody Pucey.

For Merlin’s sake, Ted, you went through Auror training. You’re a manly man, dammit!

Yet for some reason, as soon as I opened my mouth to tell Pucey off, nothing but squeaks came out. I was an insult to manly men everywhere. To be honest, I might as well have been a girl.

A pansy girl.

Argh.



My first class ever was a group of third years. They filed into the room, glancing expectantly around and chattering quietly amongst themselves.

I, meanwhile, hid behind my desk.

The thought of standing up there and acting all serious and shit terrified me. I mean, for the longest time, I’d told myself I could do it. I planned out the lesson, I memorised my opening speech, and I even had an ally in the form of one J. S. Potter.

Oh, no. James.

“O Teddy Lupin, Teddy Lupin, wherefore art thou, Teddy Lupin?” James hollered.

I peeked out from behind my desk and saw him standing on top of a chair, searching for me dramatically like a ship’s captain on the lookout for pirates. Or something. You know I’m not good with similes.

Breathing in deeply, I collected my thoughts and counted to ten, then Metamorphamagused myself and jumped up from behind the desk.

“ARRR!” I yelled.

“AHHHH!” the terrified class yelled back.

“IT’S VOLDEMORT!”

“KILL HIM!”

“HOW?”

“GET PROFESSOR LONGBOTTOM!”

“JAMES, DO SOMETHING!”

WHAT? WHY ME?”

“YOUR DAD KILLED HIM LIKE FIVE TIMES!”

I jumped on top of my desk with a large amount of unnecessary theatrics and snake-like hissing as the class screamed in terror once again. They all stood frozen before me, whimpering in fear and generally looking like rather pathetic little third years. I was never this wussy when I was a third year, I’ll tell you that.

“Relax, class,” I said, Metamorphamagusing myself back into Teddy. “It’s only me. But if it really had been ol’ Voldy, you lot would have been screwed.”

“Oh, Teddy Lupin!” James gasped, clutching at his chest. “You nearly gave me a heart attack, you silly goose!”

“It’s Professor Lupin to you, Potter,” I responded curtly. “I guess it’s time for introductions now, yeah?”

“But Teddy Lupin, we already know who you are,” some random Hufflepuff said.

“It’s Professor Lupin!”

“Who is this Professor Lupin of which you speak?” James demanded. “I want my Teddy!”


“James - I mean Potter - you will address me as Professor Lupin! Now, let us begin.”

James sniggered behind his hand and turned to face the rest of the class from his seat in the front of the room. “Teddy Lupin said lettuce!”

I let out a breath of exasperation and ignored him, continuing onward with my speech. “Welcome to Defence Against the Dark Arts, Year Three. I am your instructor, Professor Lupin. It is my job to prepare you for -”

“Teddy Lupin! Teddy Lupin! Teddy Lupin!” James squealed, bouncing up and down in his chair with his hand stuck up high in the air.

“What, James?” I spat through my teeth.

“Hi.”

“- your fourth year, during which time you will begin preparation for the fifth year O.W.L. exams -”

“Teddy Lupin! Teddy Lupin! Teddy Lupin!” James squealed again.

“What?”

“We were over at the Delacour-Weasley’s for dinner the other night and Victoire said that you said that I said that she said that Al said that Rose said that you said that -”

“SHUT UP!”

“Teddy Lupin, don’t you want to hear what Victoire said that you said that I said -”

“No, I really don’t.”

“But Teddy Lupin -”

No, James. And you will address me as Professor Lupin from now on. Are we clear?”

James nodded glumly, puppy dog eyes sparkling and lower lip jutting out in dejection. Oh, bloody hell. I hated it when he pulled that card. He looked so pitiful and God damn cute -

“Professor Lupin, I trust things are going well?”

Enter Pucey, smiling snidely.

“Yup. You bet’cha,” I said as cheerfully as I could, trying my hardest not to grimace in disgust at the sight of his existence.

“Really? Then why did I hear small children screaming about Voldemort attacking the Defence Against the Dark Arts classroom?”

Bloody children.

“All part of a demonstration, my dear lad. Now, if you don’t mind, I’d like to get back to teaching.”

Suck on that, Pucey.

“So you think that Metamorphamagusing yourself into the most feared wizard of all time is an appropriate classroom demonstration?”

“But of course. Now out you go,” I answered merrily, quite literally pushing him out the door.

“I’ll be watching you, Lupin!” Pucey yelled as I slammed the door in his face.

“Right, so back to Defence...”

“Teddy Lupin! Teddy Lupin! Teddy Lupin!”

Sweet baby Merlin, it was going to be a long year.



A/N: Hey y’all! Hope you enjoyed this silly little story I put together at 3:30 in the morning because I have nothing better to do with my life. I might make a couple more of these. Who knows?

The line “O Teddy Lupin, Teddy Lupin, wherefore art thou, Teddy Lupin?” is a reference to “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?” which was penned by the bard himself, William Shakespeare, in Romeo and Juliet. Hopefully you already knew that. Obviously I am not Shakespeare, but it would be pretty sick if I were. Well, no, actually, it wouldn't be, seeing as he’s dead.

IT’S 3:30 IN THE MORNING, OKAY? DEAL WITH MY STRANGENESS. 




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