Chapter 28 : The Madness of Moving On
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I looked up from my homework at Rose, who stood in the doorframe, a serious look on her face.
"Okay," I said, moving some homework to my nightstand to make room for her to sit.
"I need to talk to you," Rose said, sitting down.
"You said that already," I said, smiling, despite the fact that I was becoming very worried by Rose's nervousness. "What's wrong? Is it Scorp?"
Oh my god.
What if Scorpius dumped her?
What if she's pregnant?!
What if Scorpius dumped her AND she's pregnant?!
"No!" Rose said, tugging on the end of her shirt. "No, Scorp is good. Better than good, he's, uh, great."
Well thank god.
After smiling like an idiot for a few seconds, Rose soon returned to her serious demeanor. "I need to talk to you about Fred."
I frowned. "Fred Weasley? Why?"
"Because of what you let slip a little while ago," Rose said. I stared at her blankly. "You know, at breakfast last week?"
I thought back to last week.
I got nothing.
Rose sighed, frustrated. "You implied that you were hooking up with Fred."
That was right before I actually did hook up with Fred.
"Now, I know that I left before you could explain," Rose said. "I realized that once I left but I was just kind of in shock because, you know, you're hooking up with another one of my cousins and not the cousin I expected it to be either-- I always thought that you'd hook up with Louis or James before anyone else-- and I'm not good in awkward situations so I just bolted. Anyway, I was going to talk to you after Potions, but you weren't there. After finding out about the letter from your dad, I assumed that was why and I didn't want to bring this up when you were still so upset over it. So I decided to let it go, figuring that it was probably a one-time thing and that I was being melodramatic over the whole thing. But, then I found out the real reason you weren't in Potions, which is because you were hooking up with Fred. I want you to know that I love you Addie and I support your decisions but-"
"How'd you find out that I was hooking up with Fred?" I asked. I knew the answer, but I was hoping that it wasn't the one person that it probably was.
"Lana told me," Rose said. "She came up to me that night and asked if you and Fred were hooking up-"
"What did you tell her?"
"If you stop interrupting me then you'll find out," Rose said, with a pointed look. "I told her that I wasn't sure, but that you had mentioned it."
Even though I knew that I shouldn't, I asked the one question that was burning in my head.
"You don't think she told Al do you?" I asked.
"Oh my God," Rose said, putting her hand to her face and taking a deep breath. "Addie, I'm going to try really hard not to yell at you right now, but I really can't promise anything."
"You have to stop doing this," Rose said. "You have to stop going around and worrying about Al and what he thinks about you and moaning about how he's moving on yet go and snog his cousin. You know that would hurt him, it would probably break his heart more than anything else that you've done. You can't sob over how he might be moving on with Lana, something none of us know is true, and do this. It isn't fair to him."
"Rose, let me explain-"
"No," Rose said firmly, and I had to admit, I was taken back by the conviction in her voice. This seemed like something she had been holding back for a long time. "You are my best friend and I love you to death and I will always be by your side, but I have watched you put Albus through hell. You wouldn't even look at him unless he was insulting you for years and you were convinced he hated you, when in actuality, he was mad about you and the only way he could get your attention was to piss you off. And then this year, when he finally decides that maybe becoming friends would be a better way to win your heart, you not only lead him on, but you get a boyfriend. So for nearly 2 months, I had to watch my cousin, someone who is more like a brother to me than anything, pine over you and deal with the fact that you would act like you like him before running back to your boyfriend. You don't know this Addie, but that killed him. Yet no matter how many times I told him to stop chasing you or to not even bother any more, he wouldn't listen, because he was just happy you were giving him attention."
I looked down at my hands, suddenly wishing I could go back in time and change the past.
"And then you finally give the guy a chance. Finally, everyone thinks that Al is going to stop getting played. And for a while, that was true and you treated him really well. And then New Year's happened. I know, nothing happened between you and Louis, and Al probably made a rash decision in breaking up with you. But you can't blame him. He had no reason to trust you or expect that you wouldn't just throw him away. And since then, all you've done is complain about how much you miss him and want to be with him. You spent the entire month of January crying! And then you tell the entire school that you're falling in love with Al. But then it's like you just gave up! Besides your confession, you have not tried to get him back at all. You don't talk to him and despite his efforts to be friends with you, you can barely look at him. The only thing you did was wear the necklace he gave you. And now he's done and possibly moving on and suddenly it's like the whole world is falling apart for you again, even though, really all of this can be traced back to you. You need to stop being so goddamn impulsive and actually learn something from the mistakes you make. You can't say you're in love with Al and then hook up with his cousin on his birthday. I love you Addie, I really do, but it is so hard to be sympathetic towards you anymore, when it has been 2 months of this bullshit. If Al is moving on, you need to let him and stop moaning about how unfair it is to you. Al is his own person and has his own life and maybe he's actually starting something with a girl who isn't going to send him mixed signals and argue with him at every moment she can. For the first time in months, he is happy and it might have something to do with Lana and if it does, you need to accept that and move on. The sooner you let him go, and I mean really let him go, not just stop wearing his necklace, the sooner you will be able to move on from him. I know that idea sucks, but you need to realize that you've hurt him a lot and that he might actually be done with you. Unfortunately, that's the price you have to pay."
I nodded, still looking down at my hands, knowing that she was right. This was my fault and now I had to pay the consequences. I couldn't cry about Albus yet hook up with his cousin.
If Al had let go, I had to do the same. For real.
Rose took a deep breath and put her hand on top of mine, causing me to look up at her.
"I know it's hard," she said softly. "The idea of moving on from something that you really want but sometimes you have to accept that it's for the best. That maybe this madness between you and Al should finally end."
"I really have been an idiot when it comes to him haven't I?" I asked.
"Just a little," Rose said and tears came to my eyes. "What?"
"I just wish that I didn't have to lose him to realize that I need to stop acting before I think," I said. "But I guess that's the price I have to pay."
"Yeah," Rose said. "Unfortunately, it is."
I wiped away my tears and took a deep breath. "Okay. From this moment on, no more tears. No more complaining about how Albus has moved on, not even in my head. No pretending like I'm going to get him back. No hating on Lana. No hooking up with Freddy. No doing anything, that is impulsive, self destructive or stupid. It's time to let go. For real."
Rose nodded and picked up the necklace off my nightstand and holding it in front of me. I took it and put it in her hand.
"Take it. I can't be trusted with it," I said. "Too many memories."
And with that, I began to clean Albus Potter out of my heart.
Maybe attempted to clean was a better word choice.
I spent the entire month of March trying to move on from Al. It wasn't easy, so I mainly kept busy. I actually studied for tests. I got help from Rose and Scorpius in Defense and raised my grade up to a Acceptable. I wrote letters to my parents (the biological and the people who actually raised me). I got to know Ellory and she showed me pictures of her childhood and what our little brother, Jacob, was like. Scorpius would even come along when Ellory and I hung out, getting to know his newest cousin, even though they weren't actually blood related. I spent time with Caleb, Anna, Mary and Oliver. Freddy, James, Annalise and I would hang out and eat lots of food together. I would sneak down to The Pitch with Alice and Mary and got to know Will a lot better. Louis and I would go out and fly around together.
I really did anything I could to keep my mind off Al.
And for the most part, I did. I would be so busy throwing myself into all these new projects and hanging out with people that I wouldn't have time to think about Albus until I was lying in bed at night, trying to fall asleep.
But despite that, I wasn't over him.
And I knew why. There was one small incident that took place on March 10th that was making my heart hold onto hope that he still cared, despite my head telling it otherwise.
It was one day in Defense. Al's dad had come in to talk to us about the Patronus Charm and how, in his 3rd year, he used it to fight off over a hundred Dementors at once.
Everyone knew this story. Hell, everyone knew everything Harry Potter did. But everyone was still so enthralled in what he was saying, because this wasn't someone else telling us what Harry did, this was actually Harry Freakin Potter telling us a first person account of it.
The only person who wasn't actively listening was Al. Instead, he was doodling and looking around the room, as if trying to find inspiration for his latest doodle masterpiece. His eyes landed on me and, for some reason, stayed there.
I turned my head toward him, giving him a questioning look and saw that he wasn't looking at me, but instead my bare neck. But instead of looking like he was glad that it appeared that I had moved on like I thought that he would have, he instead looked sad, as if his worst fear had been confirmed.
And then he basically ran out of class, Lana close behind him.
Like I said, a small incident, but my heart was holding onto that incident as if its life depended on it.
After that, there was even less contact between the two of us than before. I mean, we still sat next to each other in class and stuff and we would still make eye contact or catch the other looking but we never really spoke after that.
But, like I said, I tried to keep my mind off him.
One night, I was doing that by sitting in the Hufflepuff common room with my favorite Puffers, since I hadn't seen them in a while.
"You cannot actually say that the Weird Sisters aren't one of the best bands of all time!" Oliver said.
"Yes, I can because I'm not an ignorant idiot like you," Mary said back. "If you listened to muggle music you would see that the Weird Sisters aren't all that special. In fact, they're kind of overrated."
Oliver looked like Mary had just told him his mother was ugly. "Aren't that spec-- you have got to be out of your mind! The Weird Sisters are a band unlike any other, a band that has character and a band that plays the fucking bagpipes! They are completely original and 'Do The Hippogriff' is a complete classic and you are absolutely mad if you think that the Weird Sisters are ordinary. They are fucking special and you don't deserve to listen to them if you are ignorant enough to think that they're overrated."
Mary smirked at him. "You're such a fanboy."
"No I'm not!" Oliver said.
"Yeah you are," Mary said. "And you're totally in love with Myron Wagtail."
Oliver glared at her. "I will sit on you."
"It won't make you any less in love with Myron Wagtail," Mary said, with a smirk. Then, "Hey, get off me!"
I looked over at Caleb. "So are they dating yet?"
"Nope," Caleb said, shrugging. "Not really sure why either."
"It's because Oliver is scared of Mary's brothers," Anna said. "He finally realized that he likes her, but the fact that she has 4 brothers is a little intimidating to him. Even if they are all muggles, he's scared that they'll beat him to a pulp."
"She has four brothers?" I asked. "Damn."
"I'd be scared of that too," Caleb said. He looked at Anna. "Thank Merlin you don't have any brothers. Besides the seven year old."
"He could still kill you if he wanted," Anna said. "He's very talented for his age."
"I could take him."
"I'm sure you could," Anna said. "Speaking of, I owe him and mum a reply. I'll see you guys at dinner."
"Bye," I said, waving at her as she walked away. Mary waved from underneath Oliver and attempted to kick him again. I turned toward Caleb. "So, are you guys dating yet?"
"Depends on your definition of dating," Caleb said. "We've gone on dates but we are not officially boyfriend and girlfriend."
"Because he's a fucking prick and won't ask her," Oliver said.
"Really?" Caleb said, raising an eyebrow. "I'm the prick who won't ask the girl he likes out?"
"Oliver is just a prick in general," Mary said, attempting to push him off again. "Now GET THE FUCK OFF ME."
"They're going to have such stubborn children," I said quietly to Caleb. "Why haven't you asked Anna to be your girlfriend?"
"Because why should I?" Caleb said. "We're perfectly happy going on dates with only each other without the label. There's no point to ruin that."
"I guess you have a point," I said. "I shouldn't really be giving out relationship advice when all my relationships go to shit."
"How are you doing anyway?" Caleb asked.
"Oh I'm great," I said. "You know, I'm great when I'm busy and hanging out with people and doing stuff but the minute I'm not, I begin to think of him. I can barely look at certain things without feeling my heart lurch. Even on something as pointless as an attendance sheet, when I see his name, all the progress I made is pointless. I'm fine when I'm not thinking of him, but the minute something happens that causes a flashback, I'm suddenly not fine. And I don't really know why I can't move on."
"Do you want to?" Caleb asked.
I took a deep breath. "I don't know. I want to move on, so I can be happy again and so that he can live his life, but at the same time I'm still waiting for him to come back. And it sucks. He's not coming back. My head has accepted that. It's just my heart that can't."
Caleb nodded. "I don't really know what to say, since this seems like a girl conversation, but I'm sorry. I really am."
"You don't need to say anything," I said, smiling at him. "Just distract me, please."
"That, I can do," Caleb said, standing up and holding a hand out. "I do believe that there is a bakery down in Hogsmeade with every sweet available. I'm told food normally helps in these situations and I'll pay."
I grabbed his hand and let him pull me up. "Have I ever told you how much I love you?"
"You say that to every man who offers to buy you food."
I smiled because of how true it was.
So Caleb and I snuck down to Hogsmeade and I ate way more than I should have, all on his tab, not even worrying about how I looked or anything.
Caleb and I may not have worked as a couple, but we were awesome at being bros.
I could only hope that Al and I could be this good of bros one day.
You know. Once I moved on from him and all.
"Oh my God," I said, holding my stomach as Caleb and I walked down the main street of Hogsmeade. "I shouldn't have eaten that much."
"I told you that you should stop after you decided to mix carrot cake with coffee ice cream," Caleb said. "But as usual, you didn't listen."
"It was all just so good."
"Yeah, but you should have stopped."
"I never had such amazing food in my life."
"You could have gotten a to-go box, you know."
"I just had to eat as much of that amazingness as I could."
I hadn't realized that we were walking by the Three Broomsticks. More than that, I hadn't realized that my father was sitting on a bench right outside it, reading a letter.
"Cor- Da- uh, hi," I said, unsure of what to call him.
He stood up and walked over to us. "What are you doing down here? Shouldn't you be at school?"
"Well, yeah but I was hungry," I said. Caleb coughed awkwardly. "Oh, um, this is Caleb. Caleb this is, um, this is-"
"Cormac Mclaggen," Cormac said, reaching out and shaking Caleb's hand. "Addison's father."
"Oh," Caleb said, hiding his shock very well.
An awkward silence fell over us.
"So, Caleb," Cormac said. "Are you Addison's boyfriend?"
Even though he tried, Caleb couldn't help by let out a small laugh at that.
"Um, no sir," Caleb said. "We're just friends."
"Oh, okay," Cormac said. "You don't mind if I have a minute with Addison alone do you?"
"Of course not," Caleb said. "I'll just go back-"
"I insist that you get a drink inside," Cormac said. "Whatever you want, just tell them it's on the house. I would prefer if you walked with Addison back to the castle when you both are ready to go up."
"Okay sir," Caleb said. "I'll be right inside when you're done."
"Why don't we go sit down, yeah?" Cormac said, nodding toward the bench. We sat down but neither one of us talked, both unsure of what to say.
"What are you doing here?" I asked. "I thought that you'd be at home with your wife."
"Oh, Becca and I both decided that I should stay in Hogsmeade for a while," Cormac said. "I'm staying right above the pub. One of the joys of owning it, I suppose."
"Are things alright with you two?" I asked.
"Oh yes!" Cormac said. "Yes. I didn't need to stay here because problems with our marriage, I needed to stay here for...other reasons."
"That's good," I said, awkwardly. "That your marriage isn't falling apart I mean."
"Yeah," Cormac said, just as awkwardly, before we fell into a moment of silence.
Well it's good to know where I get my awkward gene from.
We spend about two minutes in silence before we both decided to speak.
"I should go back-"
"The reason I'm here is-"
"You can go first," I said.
"The reason I'm here, Addison," Cormac said. "Is for the exact reason I said in my letter to you. I want to be a part of your life. When you didn't respond, I expected that you didn't feel the same, however after Ellory wrote saying that you and her were becoming close, I got confused." Cormac looked at me. "I understand if you cannot forgive me, I do. I know that I should have fought for you and that I never should have left you or your mother completely alone. You were my child and I walked away. I told myself that Matilda would have brought you far away from here and used that as an excuse to never seek you out. I'm sorry. You have no idea how sorry I am. If I could change it, I would. However, I would like a second chance. But you don't have to forgive me."
"I never got the chance to write you back," I said. "I would have, but I've been very busy lately."
"I understand that," Cormac said. "I just can't explain how sorry I am. But I would like to change things. I would like you to have a family, a proper family-"
"I already have a family," I said, turning towards him. I was surprised at how I wasn't angry at his false statement. “Even though you and Matilda left me, I have a family. I have a father and mother and a brother. Yes, they may really be my aunt, uncle and cousin but they are my family. They've been with me through everything. They are my proper family. And I would like if you didn't disrespect that."
"Yes, of course," Cormac said. "I didn't mean it like that. I had forgotten that you had grown up with two parents, despite the fact that both of us left you. I hadn't even thought that you might not want to know the people who were supposed to be that with you."
"I'm not going to pretend like I hadn't wondered about you," I said, softly. "Yes, they are my family and yes, Draco is an amazing dad, but at the end of the day, a part of me always wondered why you both left me. Why we couldn't have been what Draco, Astoria and Scorpius were. But eventually, I just had to force myself from wondering that."
Cormac sighed. "I've wondered the same thing too." He loosened his tie. "What do you say that when you come and meet Becca and Jacob next Hogsmeade, that we invite your family too?"
"Okay," I said. "But you have to realize that my family also includes Matilda now."
Cormac smiled. "I figured."
I tried to ignore the curiosity inside me. But there was something about his smile that made me unable to.
"Do you still love her?" I asked.
"It's very complicated," Cormac said. "I do. However, I am no longer in love with her. For a long time, I was, but I eventually just had to move on. When I was first dating Becca, I wouldn't let myself get close to her because I was still in love with Matilda and I was still considering going back. But I knew that I couldn't. So I let her go. I moved on. It was hard, but I did it."
I nodded. "I think that's what we all need to do right now," I said. "We all just need to accept that this is our family. Messed up and dysfunctional as it is, we need to find a way that works with all of us. We need to accept it and move on."
No more crying. No more worrying about what cannot be changed.
I needed to accept my current circumstances-- my relationship with Al, my family, my DADA grade-- and move on.
A/N: Yay new chapter!
What’d you think?
I like it. I originally wasn’t going to have Addie so actively decide to move on from Al, but it just worked out that way. It’s possible that happened because that’s what I happen to be going through right now, but who knows.
Let me know what you think! Also follow my blog!
Love you all lots. Only 1 more actual chapter! <33333
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