Chapter 1 : Let The Light In
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I’m bouncing high up in the clouds. Bouncing on their white wisp high into the infinite air. High up. And then I feel the rush of the air as I descend and suddenly I’m bouncing back up again. Effortless. Free. Happy.
The colours of the atmosphere change almost instantly, like I’m on a movie set and they're transporting me from day to night all at once. I see the endless blue of the sky, its purity and peace, and then in a flash, I see the majestic sunset. The yellows fading into oranges, fading into pinks, fading into purples and then into the fading blue. Off into the distance. Fading.
And then it’s night-time. And what can I say. It’s magical. The stars twinkle and shine. Their expanse endless, continuously stretching everywhere I look. All I can see are stars. Stars of every colour imaginable. Blue, green, yellow, red.
And then it’s sunrise. Happy. Free. Bouncing.
I keep bouncing.
I’m in a white and red dress. It’s white lace at the top, and fades into red, covered in little white and red roses with green stems. I feel pretty. I feel happy.
I float on the clouds, and twirl, my dress twirling with me. I’m a princess. In my own castle. I continue to twirl round and round, and I never feel dizzy. Only happy. Happier than I could ever remember.
I feel the soft silky fabric brush my skin as I whirl around. The clouds twirl with me, spiralling around me, soft like marshmallows. I stop, and the clouds cease in a beautiful spiral, twisting, winding into the distance. The sky is enchanted, magical, like a completely different world just waiting to be explored. Just waiting for me.
I feel like I belong here. I feel like I should stay here.
It’s enchanting, magical; like I’m stuck in my own little world and no one else knows. The clouds float, and hover mid-air, and feather light they glide through the air. I just stand still for a while, just taking in the entire picture, processing the entire possibilities that lie ahead of me. I stand watching until I see a cloud slowly part.
A beautiful man, like an angels godsend walks through it, drifting on top of the mist. His unruly hair is copper brown, glittering golden in the afternoon sunlight, and it looks so soft to touch. It flops over his forehead, into his eyes, but he doesn’t make any effort to move it. It makes him look so carefree, so lightweight, so free and it just fits, him being here. His angular cheekbones lead my eyes to perfectly shaped lips, uplifted in a lazy smile. His eyes warm and light brown, almost melted honey stare at me, into me, through me. Flecks of amber dance in them, and they look happy and contented. Laugh lines graze his eyes, showing a life full of happiness and love. Though he looks like a person who’s been through a lot, he looks young, youthful and full of love, someone with a kind heart.
He glows; his aura shines out of him, almost blinding me. But that’s what they always say. They always say to never look at the sun directly, but you do anyway because it’s just so beautiful, so glowing, and you’re so curious, so you do. You don’t regret it.
His tall, slender figure walks gracefully towards me, lazily, taking his time. And it seems to take forever for him to get to me, but when he does, I know that I love this man. That he loves me, and that we have always and will always have each other. He reaches me, and I twine my fingers with his, and just smile at him, and he smiles back. An adorable smile, a loving smile.
I think of the fact that soon we will have forever to explore this place, the both of us together, and my heart is so full. So content, and so happy.
We bounce on the clouds together, laughing, just enjoying every moment. He twirls me around, and I feel loved, I feel beautiful like never before. The scene is so perfect, so complete that I can’t think of anything that’s missing. We end up sitting on a cloud watching the sunset, me leaning my head on his shoulder.
Suddenly I feel a wetness touch my temple, and I look up, only to see him crying. I tenderly touch his check, and dash away the tears, and he just smiles at me. I hold his hands in mine, and I can see the pain, and the sadness in his eyes. All the heart-wrenching love that he has for me, out in the open.
“I need to save you.” He says, his voice cracking.
“You can’t.” I say, knowing it’s true. Knowing that he’s tried everything to save me, invested everything he has in him to save me.
Cancer isn’t something that is always cured. We all only see the cases of people that survive. We tell everyone that they’ll make it through, but the fact is that they usually don’t. That’s the reality of life. Not everyone wins, not everyone crosses the finish line. That’s how it is with me. I know that it’s over. But that’s okay.
Because I know that he loves me, and he knows I love him. My beautiful children know how much I love them, and although I know that I’ll always be missed, they know that I’ll be there, watching over them, always.
“Don’t leave me.” He says, his check anew with fresh tears. His face sobers, and he looks so desperate, so vulnerable.
I rest my head on his shoulder again, and we just sit there for a while, watching the sun go down when I softly whisper to him, “I’ll wait for you.”
A small sob escapes his throat, and I kiss his forehead, brush away some hair in his eyes, tell him I love him, and watch as he mouths it back. In the background I hear a monitor beep, and a nurse run in before I fade away, into the light. Where I know that he’ll join me soon.
Because the ones that love us really never leave us.